Love.

[LittleMissOptimistic]

Growing up you learn to adapt to the environment around you. You adapt to the culture, to the climate, to the economy, but most of all you grow to adapt in your family. It is your foremost environment since day one. You grow up so naturally in it that it is the one you blend in most of all, so much so that you forget that is even a separate thing from you. Indeed, it is not a smooth flow of daily events. In fact, most of us protest to it in smaller or larger ways throughout our childhood, with a peak around teenage years. But overall they are your family, your home, your blood, you. They are your security, your provider, your answers, your love, your life, you.

Growing up you learn to adapt to the environment around you. So much so, that you take everything for granted. You assume that’s that. And if you’re leaning on the rebel side, and have dreams of greater things, of different things, then you might have ideas of change. Change in culture, in climate, in economy. Yet you never have ideas of changing family. No. That is the baseline assumption.

Growing up you learn to adapt to the environment around you. You do change as you grow up, indeed. But you change in accordance to it, as influenced by it. And, for most, you know that things change. Sometimes, you even hope that they will. Sometimes, you even aim to do so yourself. You know that time goes on, and that the sun will rise again after each night. However, you never think about the last night.

No, of course not. Every child grows up being a positive being. There is no greater dreamer than us kids. It is partly because we are yet naïve, and partly because we are still fearless. And both of these are because we are young. Yes. We have the world at our feet, and all the time ahead of us. Indeed.

As positive beings, we never think about bad ending. I wonder at which point it first hits a person that someday everyone goes. And that this means some day our parents will too, naturally before us. I wouldn’t know. Because, this never hit me. No. I never believed I would exist in this world without my foremost parts of me, my parents. And yet, at some point we all go, it’s true.

But it is meant to be after we have grown up, and stood on our own two feet, and gotten all the answers we need. And heard all the stories about your lives before me, and during me. A million time, so that we can repeat them to our children in the decades to come.

It is NOT meant to be while I’m still growing. And have not grown up enough to have time to settle my mind and soul for a day, so as to look back on my life, then look up at you and tell you just how truly and deeply and fully I love you and how you are the two most amazing beings in my life, in me.

And most of all, it is NOT meant to be in pain.

I am not a negative being.

But now, there is NOTHING I can do, but live with the pain of what you went through, and the regret of not taking those moments to tell you everything you meant to me.

I am a positive being. Just as you brought me up to me.

I will spend the rest of my life trying to turn these overpowering thoughts and feelings into love for the rest of the world.

[millyjo]

Hiya,

Just read your post, and understand what you are saying.

As with any of us, until you loose someone it is easy to take for granted everyone and everything, especially those we love.

We are all quilty I'm sure of not telling someone you love them, or even without words showing them you care, but as I see it, that's life, yet a hard lesson to learn. Makes you wonder why come into this world to encounter the suffering and pain . . some will say it is life experience that makes us stronger and able to cope with things/gods making, but is that the case?

There is no order as to who goes first, the parent or the child . . whichever it is heartbreaking.

Learning to care/love after you loose someone precious is something I'm trying to come to terms with, infact can understand how some choose not to, if you know what I mean. But it is that cycle of if you do something silly how are those you leave behind going to cope.

Life!!

Millyjoxx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi Millyjo,

Sorry to hear things are difficult for you right now.

If you would like some support or someone to chat things through with, do email me at support@pancreaticcancer.org.uk.

If there is something we can do to help, then we would be glad to.

Kr,

Jeni.

[LittleMissOptimistic]

Dear MillyJo,

I am very aware of everyone having different feelings, relative to their life experience, and I am not comparing them,

it would be stupid and impossible.

That is merely something that was inside me and I wanted to express.

You should write more too, if you feel like it, I'm here to listen.

Life indeed! And love!!!

My best.

[millyjo]

hi littlemissoptomistic,

I hope you are ok.

Please don't take what I said as in any way patronising, I was understanding and appreciating your feelings.

God bless

Mx