Friends

[Janecav]

I lost my Husband 10 weeks ago, after 11 weeks of symptoms then he died. At first the support from my friends was good but now it seems like this life changing event never happened for them.My friends of 40 years seem to not understand the traumatic events of diagnosis and then me caring for him at home and finally losing him.

One friend has recently lost her parents but has withdrawn from me all together.I emailed her to say could we get together and support each other in our grief but she sent me back a frankly harsh reply saying I must meet her half way as she has messaged me but I dont reply for days sometimes.I have been doing that, its true but because I don't feel like facing the world some days. The other friend was coming to visit and then changed plans for a job to do in her garden-but didnt even ring to say she wouldnt be there-so I felt hurt by that and said so-she told me all about the people shes lost in her life and that you just have to not be negative and move on in life basically.

The one thing my Husband took comfort in was that my friends would rally round but few have and my two longest friends seem to want to have a go at me whilst I`m sitting here crying and feeling like what have I done to warrant an attack from two of my oldest friends?. Is this me being oversensitive? I know when my Mum and Aunty were widowed that I couldnt and didnt understand what they were going through and I see it through fresh eyes now.

Has anyone on here experienced this please and could give me some advice.

[Skippy]

You have gone through great trauma and parts of grief is totally unaccepting it, total disbelief, the anger, the worst images, the huge vacuum, loss, whole life changes for you at home and in your habits. I'd not worry so much about your long standing friends or reactions, they too will find it difficult to what to say or how even how to 'say it'. 

I spent months wanting to go back in time, wishing I'd done this, or said more. It's been one long conveyor belt of pain, images, and distress

What helps me, is what if it were the other way around, and that it had been me, what would I want for 'him' the ans I found is I'd want him to find comfort, that he did his very best, and find some positive thoughts to heal from the worst of life's experiences. 

I hope you cope. If your friends are not available, right now, then you've been heard on this site. Many have endured your loss too and understand it.

 

 

[Jj24]

@Janecav I am so sorry to hear what you are going through with your friends, I dont really have any words of wisdom but as Skippy said, I wanted you to at least feel heard and understood on here. I would say that perhaps your friend who has lost her parents is really struggling herself and maybe feels hurt that you dont reply straight away to her messages as she is grieving too. I do understand, some of my messages go completely unanswered, as I wonder what to reply to a text that just says how are you ? You would think as you are both grieving that you would be able to understand each other better but perhaps neither of you has the resources to support the other at the moment? It is all so new, this grief we are navigating 10 weeks is no time at all especially as your husband was only ill for 11 weeks. It is difficult because some days I dont want to see or speak to anyone and on other days if I do make arrangements I get really stressed or anxious if the plans are changed. 

 

I have found it is sometimes the friends I was not so close to who have been the most help to me. I really hope you find the support you need, perhaps through counselling or from other friends, or if not on here.