30 and motherless

[rufusthedog]

Hi everybody,

My mother passed away to cancer one month ago. I am 30 years old, engaged, and my mother was my best friend.

My mood lately is all over the place. I know that's normal and that it's okay. One second I'm happy and positive, the next i'm depressed, the next i'm pissed, and on and on. I'm a generally happy and positive person, like my mom was. I'm still pretty happy and managing to hang in there, but with a huge gaping hole in my heart and a constant cloud of depression that follows me wherever I go. I know this is normal, i'm not looking for anybody to tell me that.

I'm depressed, i'm pissed, and it sucks. I'm 30 years old, i'm about to start doing IVF with my boyfriend (so we don't pass on the horrible BRCA gene which caused all this shit in the first place) to our beloved future baby. My mom would have been the best grandmother in the entire world. She would have been the most supportive mother and grandmother and I could have trusted her more than anybody in the world. I feel so alone and lost.

I am so lucky to have an amazing and loving boyfriend who has been by my side during all of this. But it's not the same. Nobody loved me like my mom did. My mom loved me more than anything in the world and was willing to do anything for me.

She died after 8 months of being diagnosed. I am confused/angry/and experiencing feelings of guilt- how did we not even think it could be cancer? We have a major history of cancer in our family, my mom also had the BRCA gene, and she had breast cancer 15 years ago. For some reason, despite the fact that she was suffering for months of pain, none of us thought cancer. Even my brother who is a doctor. I feel horrible, I feel guilty, and I feel stupid. I know it's not our fault, again I'm not looking for anybody to tell me that, I just don't understand how our minds didn't think cancer for a second.

I'm just so hurt/sad/depressed/angry/lonely/don't know how i'll go on like this.

On the other hand, i'm appreciative to have so many supportive friends, an amazing fiance who loves the hell out of me and who I love, and supportive siblings and a supportive dad. But, there's nothing like a mother. Nobody who cares for you like a mother.

On another note, as I mentioned, my boyfriend and I are about to start the IVF process. I'm very excited about it but I know that it's going to bring up some really hard feelings for me. Also, I'm worried about mothering a child when I myself am feeling so depressed at the moment and with so many ups and downs.

I just don't understand how any of this will ever get better. I'm not sure if I should start therapy and what that will do for me.

Please comment if you're in the same boat and if you have any advice.