Hello

[Veebee]

Hello once again.....it's been a hectic week as you will realise. My daughters and son have transported me to the places we needed to go to make arrangements, drop off certificates and to sort out as far as we can most things that have to be done. Let me tell you what I did....Some of you may think it's penny pinching and some will agree with it..I know that Allan would have agreed. The local funeral home which took Allan is where I arranged the funeral. They are run by the Co-operative society. I hadn't been home long when a neighbour came with a card and she asked who was directing the funeral....she hesitated and told me that another funeral directors which is a family firm and in the locality were far cheaper. I made a phone call and they will do the very same funeral for £1200 less. I cancelled the first one, the new funeral director liaised with the original one and collected Allan and transported him to their chapel of rest. I'll lose some money but the saving will more than pay for the reception. It meant making arrangements twice but as it was cancelled within hours of arranging the first one the obituary hadn't been sent to the local paper. I'd be interested to hear your views on this. I have enough money because we have plenty of savings but it's still a substantial sum of money to me.

In myself I'm not too bad...just a very sad, heavy feeling and weeping on and off. I've made myself get up and go to the supermarket this morning for supplies of fresh food. The family continue to be stalwarts and have made lists etc for things still to be done, cooked meals and generally been here for me. I'm blessed to have such a good family and good friends and the wonderful people on this forum.

Much love Vee xxxx

ThankYou

[Veema]

It doesn't matter how much money you have, £1200 is still £1200 and that is better in your pocket. I'd considered the Co-op for Nige's funeral, but went with a local family firm because they looked like the Adamms family on their website photo...I thought this was really funny, so chose them. They were fab...nothing was too much trouble...I'd wanted the co-op because they had silver cars...but my chap went out of his way and borrowed some silver cars (which were brand new) from a colleague. I'm sure Allan's funeral will be just perfect...and if he'd have agreed with the change, then that's all good too.

Your feelings will be all over the place Vee...you'll swing from being upbeat and getting on, to being totally and utterly bereft...and all that comes in between. I think the important thing to remember is that it's okay to feel however it is that you're feeling...that grief affects people in different ways. You come across as a sensible, get on with it, sort of lady...I think you'll be fine...and if you're not, you just have to shout.

Much love

Vx

[Justamo]

Vee , if saving £1200 is penny pinching then we're all penny pinchers !

Incidentally, my Dad always used to say that the person who sent the biggest wreath had the biggest conscience. On the morning of his funeral a huge mountain of flowers arrived from my sister in New Zealand (who hadn't even sent him a birthday card in 40 years) while i nipped out to the garden, picked some flowers, and tied them up with string. The floral art was disposed of, and the hand tied bunch of daisies with a card saying "Cheerio my Old China" accompanied the coffin. That's what he always called me.

I know which tribute he would have been most pleased with.

I think you have done the right thing. Good for you. Of course, you could always ask the sister who is an expert on grief . . .

Much love

Mo x

[Veebee]

Hello all....can I ask if anyone paid for a 2nd opinion before the final diagnosis? When Allan was ill at the beginning of last year he was diagnosed with bladder cancer but he still had upper abdominal pain which was investigated but nothing was found, so he was treated for vasculitis of the arteries in his abdomen. I've been reliving his illness, as I'm sure you've all done, and I wanted him to pay for a 2nd opinion last Spring but he refused. I'm now beating myself up because I'm thinking that if he'd have done what I wanted and not been so stubborn then the cancer may have been found sooner and would have been operable.

Love Vee xxx

[Veema]

Oh Vee...

We didn't, but didn't need to, Nige was diagnosed quickly and he had the surgery...he still died.

You're going through a phase of wondering what you could have done to keep him with you longer...I bet we've all done it...I know I did...what if we hadn't gone on holiday...what if they had changed the chemo earlier...what if we hadn't had a load of locum oncologists...what if I'd prayed that little bit harder.

It may have made a difference if Allan had been diagnosed earlier, but the chances are it wouldn't have done, you'll never know. The thing you need to hold onto is that you did the very best you could with the information you had.

Try not to beat yourself up lovely...hard as it is, it doesn't change the here and now...it will just make you feel even morebloidy miserable than you already do.

Huge hugs...its so bloody hard isn't it.

Love Vx

[Guest]

Hi Vee,

Couldn't agree more with Veema, we have all done what you are doing and will probably do so again and again but there is no future in it. All any of us can do is our best, you did that, cared and made suggestions but then you allowed Allan to make his decisions and supported him in doing what he wanted which is the humane and loving thing to do.

God bless you Vee and give you strength and courage, be sure that we continue to walk with you

Marmalade xx

[Dandygal76]

Vee - I am so sorry you lost Allan to this dreadful illness. Please do not beat yourself up, we all did the best we could at the time with what we knew at the time. Hindsight is never an answer. My dad was the same.. he would not pay for that pesky MRI much earlier or take other routes because he believed in the NHS. I had to fight dad for so many things and did not even bother to get him to do an early MRI with his markers rising because I knew he would say the scan is only in 4 weeks and let us see what that says. They are their own people and we cannot make decisions for them.. we can only suggest what we think is best. What you should take comfort in is that once symptoms appear it is already too late for most and so the chances are your wanting of the second opinion would not have mattered or made a difference.

What I do know is that our loved ones would not want us to beat ourselves up, the past cannot be changed but you still have your future generations that I am sure Allan would want you to concentrate on now. I know that is easier said that done but you did him proud in your efforts for him and you will continue to do him proud carrying on his legacy.

It is bloody hard I know, but we can all only work with what we have and form the future hence forth. Allan will be in your heart forever helping you to do that. You did him proud. x

[Veebee]

Hello again ....Allan's funeral is this afternoon and I'm counting the minutes and trying to calm my nerves. I'm dreading the hearse arriving and yet, I want it to be over. The last couple of weeks have been busy and today is the culmination of our preparations. The house is quiet for now and I'm just waiting and gathering my thoughts before family arrive. I didn't want to get up today and felt as if I wanted to stay in bed. You will understand my feelings I'm certain. Speak soon.

Love Vee xxxx

[Sandiemac]

Thinking of you and wishing you strength. I hope everything goes as you would wish and that you end the day feeling you have done him proud.

[Proud Wife]

I'm not saying it was the right thing to do but I had a Bacardi before my hubby's funeral. I am not a drinker but it just took the edge off. I know exactly how you feel. The hearse arriving is one of the hardest parts as is that final goodbye. You will get through it my lovely. And I hope that by tonight, you can feel you did everything possible to give Allan the best possible send off.

Think of you xxx

[Veema]

Hope today has been a little better than you were expecting Vee...I'm sure you did Allan proud and gave him a good send off.

Huge hugs...

Vx