Hello

[Elaine123]

Hi Vee just on to let you know I am thinking of you both....as Marmalade said you feel free to rant at anytime. I know how you feel about people fussing around I just wanted time with Pete , you decide what you want. Sending love and prayers

Elaine

Hugs x

[Veema]

Still lots of love and positive vibes winging over to you Vee...

Vx

[Veebee]

Hello all....just a quick update...The hospice at home are back in 2 X daily at our request. This weekend has been very difficult as Allan can't stand for more than a couple of minutes, even leaning on the zimmer, before he has to sit straight down again. This resulted in him getting off the commode onto the bed without cleaning himself properly. There's a first time for everything ...it's a good job I don't mind tish!! Joking aside, trying to clean him on the bed, then wash him and change him and the sheets was a bit of a feat and he wasn't really with it all that day. I felt like Nurse Ratchet bossing him but it had to be done. It's not nice telling a man who would be horrified at the thought of being unclean that he's clarted up and it's everywhere and it's got to be done.Cancer is no respecter of dignity. Anyway, I realise he needs 2 people for safety and so does he. The nurses came tonight and he's had a good bed bath and cream applied while I took myself off into the other room so they didn't feel as if I was hovering. They really are lovely people. His food intake has been virtually nil for over a week but he sits up for a while every few hours . So, that's it for now....goodnight all and take care and if you have sunshine where you live please send some to Yorkshire as it's been dismal . love Vee xxx

[Proud Wife]

I will try my very best to send some sunshine your way Vee.

You are so right about the dignity bit but so what, Allan was lucky enough to have you close by at the time.

Are you coping okay? Its far from easy on you too my lovely. I think it was a good idea for you to disappear, I did too - not only does it allow them to get on with their jobs efficiently, it gives you a break if Allan is now bed bound.

Remember to take care of yourself too. xx

[Veema]

It was the lack of dignity thing that really upset me. Nige was an intensely private person about his bum in particular, but got to the point where he didn't give a sh*t who cleaned his sh*t, which I thought was sad for him.

Keep going Vee...you're doing amazing.

Loads of love and virtual hugs

Vx

[Veebee]

Hi Allan has had a bad day today...lots of ramblings and distress. The nurse has given him a sedative tonight and he's calming a little. I'll be in the chair beside him tonight and our 2 daughters are staying over. Please think of us. Love Vee xxx

[Justamo]

Of course we're thinking of you Vee. And praying for you both and your daughters. Glad he's had a sedative and even more glad that your daughters are close by.

Much love

Mo

[Veebee]

Allan died at 11pm. May he rest in peace. His torment is over and I feel strangely calm. His family were with him and he died at home which was his, and my, wish.

Vee xxx

[Quickasyoucan]

Veebee I am very sorry for your loss. I also felt strangely calm when Dad died. I think it is partly because a lot of grieving is done along the way and partly because the suffering and loss of the people they were is so horrific. I'm glad everyone was there. Take care of yourself xx

[stepuha]

Dear Veebee, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad Allan was in peace and surrounded by family. You have been amazing at helping him through the torment. Sending love to you and your family.

Big hug

stepuha

[Didge]

Vee I am sorry to hear your news but as you say his torment is over and I hope that will be of some comfort. Thinking of you x

[Sandiemac]

So very, very sorry to hear this Vee. Sincere condolences. Sandie x

[Veema]

So sorry Vee...it is a strange kind of calm...I remember feeling that way.

Much love...sleep tight Allan x

Vx

[sandraW]

Veebee, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely Allan, it was lovely that your daughters could be with you to support you, and that Allan got his wish to be at home with you all around him.

Your feelings will be very muddled, I can remember those feelings very well, I think that the calm feeling is because its over, finally, and you will be exhausted.

I am sending love strength and hugs to you all for the next stage of the journey, take care, love sandrax xx

[Justamo]

I had a sleepless night for various reasons, and you and Allan were on my mind a lot of the time. So glad your daughters were close. I remember that feeling of calm detachment from when each of my parents died. So sorry Vee, like everybody else I'm sending love and hugs.

Mo xx

[Guest]

Dearest Vee,

I am so very sorry for your loss. You did such a good job and really and truly he had the best of care from you and you achieved his wish to pass at home, a good wife to the end. You have done your stuff and now the twilight time where there are things to organise and people around you and the sense that nothing is real. My dearest Vee, the only thing I can say is that many of us know this feeling and others that may follow and we are here as always, walking beside you. I send prayers for Allan that he, a good man, may rest in peace and that you may know comfort and have courage.

Much love Vee, Marmalade xxxx

[WifeampMum]

Dear Vee

My thoughts are with you and I send you my sincere condolences for the loss of your dear Allan. Wishing you strength and comfort,

Much love, W&M xx

[Veebee]

Good morning friends....your words are a comfort. Marmalade, once again, your words are spot on. It is a twilight time and a perfect way to describe this feeling. Yesterday was a day of a houseful of relatives, weeping brothers, weeping daughters , my elder sister telling me what I'll feel, what I need to do and what I shouldn't do ( she's been widowed twice and feels she's an authority on the subject but I'm afraid I snapped and swore at her but, to her credit, she let it ride). She means well but she can be overbearing at times. The GP came with the form for the certificates and the DN came to log the controlled drugs before they go back to the chemist. Lots of phone calls, text messages and a houseful of people made it a strange day where I felt disconnected from it all. I was relieved when they'd all gone home....my sister wanted to stay but I insisted I needed to be alone to sit in the quiet and process everything. I took a sleeping tablet and slept for 10 hours and the tears have come this morning, as I thought they would. They can run all day for me , slow and steady. Tears for a man who would have been fishing today or we'd have had a walk and called into the local for a few drinks or we'd be gardening in the sun or we'd have been at his favourite spot on the East coast but this damned cancer made all this impossible and has done for too long and it turned him from a well built, healthy cheerful person into a frail old man who wanted to die. Thank you for listening. Your quiet support is a comfort. Writing how I feel to people I've never met is cathartic. Much love Vee xxx

[Veema]

Nige's sister was my authority on 'what to do when ones husband dies' and 'how to be a widow'...best dealt with early on, so even though you swore...you did the right thing.

Take time for yourself and to cry for your man.

Vx

[patrigib]

Sincere condoleances, very sorry for uou.

[Proud Wife]

I am so very sorry to hear your news Vee. I am strangely at a loss for words. Allan's passing was very similar to my hubby's and I can relate exactly to the feeling of calm at the moment, probably because his suffering is no longer. Wishing you strength for the coming days and sending you masses of hugs.

Lots of love

PW xx

[Elaine123]

Dear Vee I came on to see if there was any posts from you only to find Allen has passed , no matter how we know the inevitable we cannot quite believe that the end will come. I also felt that calm coming over me , I think we take on full responsibility for their survival and try so hard to make them better and go about trying everything we can to prolong their life but once they are gone that 24/7 urgency is no longer needed and can only then allow ourselves to feel calm. I am glad you had the family with you and Vee I am so glad you shut down your sisters advice to you. Only you will know how you feel and what decisions you will make in the coming days. At the minute I can imagine everything is going on round about you and you probably feel that everything seems unreal. Like you the support from your forum friends seemed so comforting as I felt it was only them that really understood how I was feeling and the journey Pete and I had to get to that point in time. I will be thinking of you all over the coming days and please keep in touch Vee. Hugs X

Elaine

Xx

[Guest]

Hello Vee,

I know that many come on here and revisit each post when their loved one dies. I think we think feeling the hurt is better than feeling nothing. Anyway, I thought it might be nice for you to find a fellow traveller here and thinking about you if you do drop by in the next few days.

There is no proper way to grieve, no time limit and no one can tell how another will react or cope so your response was absolutely ok.

I hope you are able to rest when you need it and that the sun shining strong will give you strength and comfort.

M xxx

[Proud Wife]

What a lovely post Marmalade.

I'm here too Vee, thinking of you x

[Justamo]

You just came into my mind Vee, and I've re-read a couple of your posts. In a strange way it's easier to pour your heart out to friends that you haven't met yet rather than kith and kin, no matter how expert they may be on the subject of grief.

I think that everyone who has offered an opinion has said that there is no formula to follow. You have a perfect right to feel how you like, when you like.

And if you want to swear at somebody go right ahead and do it. And if you want some new words I'll let you speak to Peter; he really is an expert.

Thinking of you (and others).

Much love

Mo