Nina's Dad

[Veema]

That was one of my main worries about Nige going into the hospice...if he'd have gone in, he would have known he wouldn't have come out...he'd have known he was leaving his home for the last time and that would have been a lot to bear I think. It really is a tough call...do they not do hospice at home? Our hospice do and they basically send nurses out to look after the patient in their own home...maybe that could be a compromise?

You need to get your mum out and about for an hour or so...is there someone who can sit with your dad? Even if she goes for a walk in the park or round asda or something...and she does need to eat.

In the end, you'll manage with whatever you decide...honestly, you will...and the decision may well be taken out of your hands if the hospice don't have a bed and he goes quite quickly.

Lots of love and thoughts...will keep checking back.

Vx

[Veema]

And...I don't know if these have been mentioned, but have you got the 'just in case' crisis pack (injectable meds for sickness, pain, agitation) that the district nurses can administer immediately when they are required? And have you got a DNAR in place? It would be awful if your dad was to suffer an unnecessary resuscitation.

Vx

[Guest]

Hi Yanina,

I am so sorry you and your family are in this terrible position. The aggression is a symptom of the disease but can be managed with the right mix of medication so I think it well worthwhile speaking to the nurses on here or get your GP to speak to the local hospice about tweaking his medication. Believe it or not the GP's do speak to hospice doctors for advice! They can also help with your Dad's depression and you should make sure his GP is attending regularly and reviewing his drugs as they sometimes need changing every day.

I am glad the district nurses are coming in but wonder if your Mum could have some additional carers to take the pressure off her a bit more or if the local hospice have night sitters, volunteers who come and sit up overnight with the patient so the main carer, your Mum, can have a proper rest overnight.

It sounds like your Dad's body is beginning to close down if he is only taking water. I know it's hard but it is now just a matter of time. Trying to make sure Dad is comfortable (mental as well as physical) and that you and your Mum don't have regrets is the most important thing.

It's very easy to torture yourself with thoughts of what more you could have done afterwards so it is vital to understand that although your Dad may not think he wants to go to a hospice, he would probably be more comfortable there with trained medical staff on hand at all times who are able to change his drugs and help him in ways that you can't. Don't be afraid of talking to Dad about it or of asking for help. We have to accept when we don't have the skills or energy to cope alone, there is no advantage to Dad to have you all ill too.

If you would like him to spend his last days at home and can face it, then dry the tears and put your efforts into getting the GP and palliative care team including sitters, carers and DN's to get Dad comfortable and as much help as your Mum needs. Stay on top of them until he is comfy and you and your Mum able to sit and hold his hand or lie with him peacefully. You are doing the right things and whatever decision you make will be the right one, don't allow regrets to creep in, you do your best for Dad and for Mum and no one can do more than their best,

I will be thinking of you xxxx

[Elaine123]

Hi Nina thinking of you and I hope your Dad is having a better day today.

Elaine

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[yanina]

evening all , hope every one is as well as can be expectd.

dads been taken into hospital today as he had a turn for the worse mum rung 999 and ambulance took him. lady from hospice came to see him and toldus still no bed for him but they will be keeping in hospital, and that is only a matter of days for dad.

the ward dads on are putting him a driver in so he as meds constant as hes in loads more pain.

they hve said they will make his last few days as pain free and comfy as can be for him. they have been amazing with us today in the ER,and on the ward.

my dad is dieing and there aint nothing i can do. im hating life right now and im taking things out on my poor hubby.

ive had to take m self off to docs my self today as im having some probs with my chest blood pressure is low, she as said its all stress related, have to go for a ecg tomorrow.

really dont know how im going to cope

[Proud Wife]

I'm so sorry to hear your news yanina. I hope your dad is kept pain free and peaceful. You will cope sweetheartt, we all have because we have no choice and you will find the strength from somewhere. I'm pleased you are going to the doctors, you need to take care of yourself as well. If you need support or need to talk you will always find someone here to help.

Keep strong xx

[Justamo]

Poor Nina, it all sounds like a nightmare. I think you are coping remarkably well; you were smart enough to find this website to get appropriate advice, it sounds as though you are supporting your mum as well, and you have got support from the experienced members of this forum.

I can only offer sympathy and prayers. I'm glad your dad is having proper pain relief and I'm sure he is more comfortable in hospital than at home. You have done all the right things for your family, and your husband will understand how stressed you are and will forgive you snapping at him. Don't judge yourself harshly Nina.

Good night, God bless, and let us know how things are tomorrow.

Love Mo

[Guest]

Dearest Yanina,

I am so sorry that you are all having to cope with this and glad Dad is getting the help he needs at last. When people are coming to the end their bodies don't absorb medication through their digestive system very well. Although they are having lots of medication it doesn't work well so the syringe driver under the skin will be much better and he will get relief and sleep more because his body is exhausted and the medication strong. The hospital can adjust the syringe driver if he has more pain and can include drugs to help him feel better. He is in the best possible place and you and your Mum have done everything you can.

Try to be calm and patient. Be kind to yourself and let Dad go peacefully when he is ready. Even when he appears to be deep asleep he may still be able to hear. If you feel a bit useless you can talk quietly to him, reassure him that he has nothing to fear and that you and Mum will be very very sad but you will look after each other.

You will cope Yanina, it will be tough but you will, We know your heartache and the pain of waiting and we are thinking of you all and praying for you, sometimes it helps to know. M xxxx

[Veema]

Oh Nina...it did sound like he was getting near the end...he'll be kept comfortable at the hospital, its a shame there's no bed at the hospice, but unfortunately that is often the case.

Just be with him now whenever you can, you and your mum can be daughter and wife again now and not carers...hopefully it will be quick and peaceful.

We will all be here for you for as long as you need us afterwards too...dont forget that. I've taken a lot of comfort from here since my husband died...it really does help to get things off your chest.

Hope your ECG hoes ok tomorrow...look after yourself.

Love Vx

[yanina]

i write with sadness in my heart to you all tonight, at 5.30 am this morning my hero my dad sadly passed away piecefully with mum by his side. he is no longer suffering and no longer in pain, words can not describe how im feeling right now.

this horrible cancer took my dad so quick my self and rest of the faamily will never be the same again.

and to make matters worse with mum not coping not eating, she too is now in hospital, as she passed out and cracked her head on the butchers block in the kitchen,shes being kept in over night for observation.

thank you all so so much for your support over the last few weeks its been amence.

[Guest]

Dear Yanina,

I am so very sorry for your loss, your Dad is now free and flying with angel wings bless him. You have been a wonderful daughter to both Mum and Dad and as Mo said you did very well to find the forum and to get help and advice. No, life will not be the same and for quite a while it will be unbelievably sad. Don't worry about showing your grief, or coming back here, it's ok and people will understand because it happens to us all, young and old.

Stick tight together with family and friends and try not to let your Dad be defined by his illness, he was much more than a cancer victim he was a great Dad. He would want you to think of the happy and good times you shared when he was fit and well. He has left his genes in you and will always be in your heart.

Much love,

M xxx

[Dandygal76]

Oh Yanina, I am so sorry for your loss. Just always remember we are here for you and mostly that your dad wants you and your family to beat what this disease does by dragging everyone down with it. In time your mum and you will find new strength and you will live a different life but you will make your hero proud of you. Thinking of you all. x

[Veema]

So very sorry Nina...it's just so sad. He's at peace now, bless him.

No words will make you feel any better, but don't forget we're here for you...it would be nice for you to tell us some of the lovely things about your Dad.

I do hope your Mum is okay.

Vx

[Justamo]

Oh Nina, I'm so very sorry for you all. Poor Mum must feel awful ending get up as a patient herself. But I'm glad that Dad's suffering is ended now.

Don't worry too much about Mum not eating, but make a nice little snack for both of you and keep talking to her. She might eat it without noticing, if you see what I mean. It worked on my father after my mother died. I just put a sandwich and coffee in front of him and he ate it without thinking what he was doing.

You have been so brave and strong throughout all of this and now you can rest a little bit. Poor Mum will have to come to terms with it herself, you can't do it for her. Take care of yourself now, and stay strong. Cry all you want, do whatever makes you feel better and let us all know how you are doing.

Love, Mo

[sandraW]

Nina, I am so sorry to hear you have lost your lovely dad to this dreadful disease, the other ladies have given you lots of good advice already. I lost my dad 52 years ago when I was 17, it took a while before I could remember him with a smile, but that time will come. I still think about him and hope he is looking down and happy with how I live my life, he will never leave you he will live on in your heart and mind forever. I hope you mum starts to feel better soon it will be very hard for her but she will have your support to help her through, take care love sandrax xx

[WifeampMum]

I am very sorry for your loss Nina and send my sincere condolences to you and your family.

This forum offers support to the bereaved as well as those living with the disease so please come here whenever you feel in need of support. I know that others here have found it really helpful.

W&M xx

[Elaine123]

Hi Nina I was so sorry to read your post that your Dad reached the end of his fight with PC. I hope your Mum is doing well in hospital. Good luck for your ECG and please let us know your results. Thinking of you and your Mum

Elaine

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[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hello Nina,

On behalf of the nurses here at Pancreatic Cancer UK, we are very sorry to read of your dad's passing.

Please accept our condolences to you and your family.

I also hope that your mum has recovered now, and that she is out of hospital.

It is good that you have found the forums supportive Nina, and as W&M has suggested, feel welcome to come back on should you wish to at any stage.

Kind regards,

Jeni.

Jeni Jones

Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse

Support Team

Pancreatic Cancer UK

email: support@pancreaticcancer.org.uk

support line: 0808 801 0707

[yanina]

hi all sorry its been a while but , theres been a lot to do sorting dads funeral out wich is this coming wednesday, not looing forwrrd to it to say the least.

ive been coping and trying to support mum best i can by being there for her every day durning the day time and going home to be with my family about 3pm onwards, ive been helping her sort all dads affairs out banks accounts out ect ect still not done yet.

my youngest brother and my oldest son have been sleeping at mums thru the night so shes not alone baring in mind my son is only 27 and still young he doesnt mind doing this. but all my brother as done is moan moan moan moan, and made everything about him!!!

it all come to a head yesterday when he started dictating to me that my son had to stay at his grandmas 3 times a week and he would stay the 1 night and his new relationship with his g/friend would have to be put on hold!!! his words

this is a load of CRAP if he spent less time in th pub and less time golfing and stop making it all about him ARRRRRRRR im so mad right now im ready to explode.

i know i can vent on here but i can see us not speaking again. mum knew something was wrong with me yesterday and so did my other brother , so i told all to mum, i didnt want to but i did.

going to see my dad tuesday at the chaple of rest with mum... going to be a hard day.

take care and speak soon

nina xxxx

[Veema]

Things like this often happen when people are grieving...regardless of what he might do, try to keep your cool because words that are said cannot be unsaid...I know it's difficult...but you will feel better in the long run if you just ignore his behaviour now. I have 3 brothers, 2 of them are right idiots and wind me up no end most of the time, but they generally come through for me when I need them.

Things will calm down a bit after the funeral...I felt really strange because I'd thrown myself into organising it and hadn't really thought about how I would feel when I didn't have that to focus on.

I will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

Vx

[Justamo]

You know, Nina, that a family death brings out the best in some people and the worst in others. It's made you strong and caring and compassionate, but it just seems to have brought out the selfish side in your brother. I would try to avoid friction just now because it won't help anybody. Mum won't need people sleeping in the house for ever, she will become accustomed to fending for herself and she needs to be allowed to do this at her own pace.

Of course there's the old saying - a daughter is a daughter all of her life, but a son is a son till he takes a wife.

We'll all be thinking of you on Wednesday, but meantime if you're feeling mad and angry just get straight on here and let it all out.

Much love

Mo

[Proud Wife]

First of all Nina, I'm am so sorry for your loss. I know this is a hideous time for all of you.

I totally get where you are coming from and whether it's grief or selfishness that's making your younger brother act this way who knows, it is what it is. Don't forget, you too are in mourning and feelings/emotions are just heightened.

As everyone has said, please come on here day or night and vent. Rant, do whatever feels good for you and just get it off your chest. You don't want to be falling out with family.

Thinking of you. (((hugs)))

[Guest]

Hi Nina,

Agree with all that has been said. My youngest brother was a pain when my Dad died but I had to accept that we all deal with things differently and there is no right and wrong way.

Your Mum will have to be alone at some point and it will be hard whether it is this week or next month. There is no reason to worry about this. Your Mum will be lonely but there is no need to fear spirits. Your Dad loved you all and would never harm any of you. Perhaps someone could stay occasionally to give her some company, I'm sure she would like that.

You are doing really well and being a good daughter. We are all thinking of you, praying for the repose of Dads soul and for strength for your family.

M xxx

[yanina]

hi every one, its been a while.

dads funeral went ahead without any problems and the church was packed! there wasnt a seat spare in the church, im amazed at how many people knew my dad, and came to pay their respects its was so comforting to know how well thought of my dad was.

people came from his old places of worked where he had worked 30 yrs prior we did him proud and he had the best send off.

things still seem sureal and i still expect him to walk through the door at any moment, its as if hes gone away and were waiting for his return.

take care speak soon xxxx

[Elaine123]

Hi Nina I am so glad that everything went okay at your Dads funeral and that so many friends turned up to pay their respects that will be a nice comfort to you to look back on. Hoping you are bearing up well and I can just imagine that feeling of waiting for him to walk through the door. Thinking of you and take care of yourself at this sad time.

Elaine

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