Miss my Dad so much :(

[natters]

Hi,

I wanted to post here as I know everyone here will probably be feeling the same... my wonderful 55 y/o dad collapsed, out of the blue, on 4th September 2015. He had been fine prior to this. He was taken to hospital by ambulance and initial thoughts were he has kidney stones or something wrong with his gallbladder. After 2 days of various tests, on 6th Sept (my wedding anniversary) he was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver. To say we were shocked would be an understatement. We were pretty much left to our own devices after that. A month later, after he had been complaining of backpain, which the hospital had put down to the nasty fall he had, they discovered he had a slipped disc and the cancer had spread to his spine. His tumour markers were in the millions. He had chemo, but passed away this February, exactly 1 month after his 56th birthday. He lasted 5 and a half months. His consultant said it was one of the most agressive types he had seen in a long while. Its been 7 months since his gone and although Ive obviously been devastated, I had been coping okay but now it's really hitting me and I feel very tearful all the time and heartbroken. It was such a shock and the flashbacks of the final days keep playing on my mind. I feel quite traumatised and in disbelief as the whole thing was like a nightmare and whirlwind of craziness?! Its such an awful disease and angry there was nothing that could be done. We feel cheated! My daughter should have had her grandad for many many more years. He was so young

Just wanted to share my story and sleak to anyone on a similar situation. N xx

[Veema]

It really is a horrible disease and although we're not in a good place right now, I do feel lucky having the 2 years we've had since diagnosis. My husband is a similar age to your dad, so you must be fairly young yourself.

Grief hits us all in different ways, so don't be surprised that you are feeling the way you do now...keep talking about him...tell us all about him, we'd love to hear it...and talk about your feelings too. Have you thought about or had bereavement councilling? I know it's not for everyone, but it might help.

Vx

[natters]

Hi, thanks for your message. Yes im currently having bereavement councilling, which helps. How is your husband doing? Sending you lots of positive thoughts & hugs xx

[Guest]

Dear Natters,

I'm so very sorry you lost your Dad. Losing a parent is especially hard as they are the people who we have relied on all our lives so to see them leave us is hell.

Grief is such a personal thing and can take us by surprise and last a long time. Sometimes some other event triggers the reaction or tips you over.

The image of how it was are freshest but don't have to be the ones that last. It may help to think of them as a film being wound back through the life you had together. He was weak and ill at the end of his life but for the vast majority he was the fit strong and loving father who was always there for you. It would be such a pity not to think of him just being good old Dad. It will come but we have to go through the process of grieving, you have done the right thing by talking about it, it helps, and you are allowed to cry and be sad.

I hope today brings some peace for you and is the first day of your journey to happier memories.

M xx

[Dandygal76]

Hi Natters, I am so sorry you lost your dad in such a terrible way and so quickly. My dad is also going through this at the age of 62 and I dread to think we will go through everything your family has. Grief really is an individual thing and I think it hits everyone at the weirdest times. This is your lovely dad and of course you miss him. My partner lost his dad several years ago and he says there are still times when it pops into his head that he should call his dad over some DIY or something silly. Just remember the strength he gave you and most importantly, he gave you your life to live the best you can and he would want more than anything else for you to be happy. xxx

[Proud Wife]

Hello Natters

I think our forum family members have pretty much summed it up. I am so sorry for your loss. My 21 year old lost his dad (my hubby) 3 months ago and I really don't think it's hit him yet as he is coping so well. They had such a close relationship and idolised each other. Your Dad was far too young to have lost his life and I know it must hurt like nothing you've ever felt before.

My advice to you is come on here, shed a tear, get things off your chest and take advantage of the wonderful support you will get from members here who know EXACTLY what your are going through.

Lots of love

PW xx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hello Natters,

Thank you for posting on the forums, and for having the courage to post about losing your dad.

I am so sorry that this happened so swiftly, and of course, its understandable that you were all devastated, and still are. It does seem from what information you have posted, that this was particularly aggressive, especially with the tumour markers in the millions - I have to say, as a nurse, I haven't come across this - have seen 5 figure readings, but not millions. He must have been incredibly strong to have such a high volume of disease, and seemingly carrying on until the unexpected collapse.

Natters, its really good to hear you are having bereavement counselling - and have certainly come across the flahbacks in other folk who lost a loved one to this disease. Its slightly like a Post traumatic type of event when you go through a trauma such as this, so you are doing the right thing by seeking help, and even posting on the forums where there are people who have gone through this with their own loved ones. And you have identified that you feel traumatised - I really hope the counselling can explore some of these issues and that you receive the specific amount of counselling which is needed.

As is the custom, the wonderful forum family have already offered support to you, and I am sure they will continue to do so - this has been such a place of solace for so many, so I hope that the forum benefits yourself as well, during this upsetting time. There are lots of wise words already, and I can only second them - grief is very individual, and expresses itself differently through all of us - don't be hard on yourself that it seems to be hitting you now Natters. It can happen like this, and you just need to "run with it" so to speak, and ride the storm - as Marmalade said, hopefully, you will in time be able to remember your dad as the well, and loving dad, and not just the final days which were so distressing.

Our contact details are below should you ever wish to contact us.

Kindest regards,

Jeni.

Jeni Jones

Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse

Support Team

Pancreatic Cancer UK

email: support@pancreaticcancer.org.uk

support line: 0808 801 0707

[natters]

Hi all, thanks for your support, it means a lot. It's good to talk to people who can fully identify. My dad was treated at a hospital in london. His tumour markers started at half a million, so just wanted to correct my comment above as i thought it was a million but i still believe 500,000 was pretty high and i often wonder if he was near the end when he collapsed and what would have happened without chemo? I can't thank Pancreatic Cancer UK enough as they were a great support to my family when my dad was diagnosed and gave us so much information which our original hospital (Basildon) didn't! N xx

[Guest]

Good to hear from you Natters, I hope you take some comfort from being here with us all.

My thread "our journey without chemo" will tell you how it was for us but there is no hard and fast answer. Once an organ becomes compromised and its functions impaired any number of things can go wrong, and do. It is not possible to say that this will happen or that will happen, it varies from person to person and the medics have to do their best to deal with whatever comes up. All treatments have side effects and they have to be managed too. What helps one thing causes issues with another.

I think a great many issues are caused by medics not being clear with us. Mostly they try to prevent us being upset which they see as compassionate and encouraging but when we later find that things were obvious to them and were always going to end here however long it took, we feel betrayed because we would have said or done things differently, it stops us trusting them. The truth is that we cannot walk in other peoples shoes. They do what they do with the best of intentions and because they care and we have to ask if we would do in their place?

I hope that you will come to believe that, although you miss him very much, your Dad is free from pain and all the burdens of this life. He has left in you some of his precious genes, so he is always with you and part of you. Little mannerisms, phrases he used, they way you smile or think or speak or walk. He is with you. Its a wonderful thing when you think about it, passing some of ourselves to the next generation and the next and so on.

I hope you have a good day today,

M xx

[natters]

Thanks for your kind words. It feels like everything has caught up with me as ive been so busy sorting out dads business, working, looking after my daughter who has also spent a lot of time in hospital over the past 2 years. I feel very teary all the time at the moment and very angry. This disease is a sneaky horrible pig!! My nan had it 15 years ago and it doesnt seemed to have moved on since then! I often wonder how close to the end my dad must have been when ge first collapsed. I came on this site when dad was ill byt cant remember if i ever posted but i remembered the other a post you wrote (well i think it was you) did you say your hubbys pc was discovered after kidney stones? As my dad had kidney stones 3 and a half yrs ago just before my daughter was born. We obtained the scans from this to see if the pc was there then but the cobsultant couldnt see anything but i have my doubts! X

Proud Wife wrote:

> Hello Natters

>

> I think our forum family members have pretty much summed it up. I am so

> sorry for your loss. My 21 year old lost his dad (my hubby) 3 months ago

> and I really don't think it's hit him yet as he is coping so well. They

> had such a close relationship and idolised each other. Your Dad was far

> too young to have lost his life and I know it must hurt like nothing you've

> ever felt before.

>

> My advice to you is come on here, shed a tear, get things off your chest

> and take advantage of the wonderful support you will get from members here

> who know EXACTLY what your are going through.

>

> Lots of love

> PW xx

[natters]

Thanks for your message. As dad was diagnosed as terminal straight off, I felt we were given little info or direction. If it hadnt been for this Charity Pancreatic Cancer UK, it would have made things even harder. They gave us lots of useful information and helped us which im very grateful for. We saw a few consultants varied greatly from damn right brutal to honest but human with a positive spin which is the approach we took. We also discovered a lot of conflicting info Xx

Marmalade wrote:

> Good to hear from you Natters, I hope you take some comfort from being here

> with us all.

>

> My thread "our journey without chemo" will tell you how it was

> for us but there is no hard and fast answer. Once an organ becomes

> compromised and its functions impaired any number of things can go wrong,

> and do. It is not possible to say that this will happen or that will

> happen, it varies from person to person and the medics have to do their

> best to deal with whatever comes up. All treatments have side effects and

> they have to be managed too. What helps one thing causes issues with

> another.

>

> I think a great many issues are caused by medics not being clear with us.

> Mostly they try to prevent us being upset which they see as compassionate

> and encouraging but when we later find that things were obvious to them and

> were always going to end here however long it took, we feel betrayed

> because we would have said or done things differently, it stops us trusting

> them. The truth is that we cannot walk in other peoples shoes. They do

> what they do with the best of intentions and because they care and we have

> to ask if we would do in their place?

>

> I hope that you will come to believe that, although you miss him very much,

> your Dad is free from pain and all the burdens of this life. He has left

> in you some of his precious genes, so he is always with you and part of

> you. Little mannerisms, phrases he used, they way you smile or think or

> speak or walk. He is with you. Its a wonderful thing when you think about

> it, passing some of ourselves to the next generation and the next and so

> on.

>

> I hope you have a good day today,

>

> M xx

[Justamo]

Hello Natters,

Of course you miss your lovely dad, but it is good to see that you are taking positive steps to help yourself, both with bereavement counselling and by posting on the forum.

I still miss my mum and dad and they died years ago. Christmas Eve is always bittersweet because my dad used to truss, pull and stuff the turkey which always arrived wrapped up in brown paper, through the post from family in Ireland, with most of its feathers in place and quite often a few unshelled eggs inside. I can see him now, with his sleeves rolled up and a tea-towel wrapped round his middle trying not to sneeze because of the feathers.

You will find lots of triggers like mine, and for a while you will cry when something crops up, but as you get stronger you will treat these moments as precious. It doesn't matter how old you are, there is a remnant of childhood in all of us and in time the misery of his death will fade and the good, happy times will come into sharper focus.

We are all thinking of you my dear and it's good to know that you are getting some comfort by sharing your sadness.

God bless,

Love, Mo

[natters]

Hi Justamo,

Thanks for your message & yes i appear to have many triggers. Im lucky as i had a wonderful father & have a great family but we all miss him so much & feel lost. I know time is a healer and its only been 6 months.

Xx

Justamo wrote:

> Hello Natters,

> Of course you miss your lovely dad, but it is good to see that you are

> taking positive steps to help yourself, both with bereavement counselling

> and by posting on the forum.

>

> I still miss my mum and dad and they died years ago. Christmas Eve is

> always bittersweet because my dad used to truss, pull and stuff the turkey

> which always arrived wrapped up in brown paper, through the post from

> family in Ireland, with most of its feathers in place and quite often a few

> unshelled eggs inside. I can see him now, with his sleeves rolled up and a

> tea-towel wrapped round his middle trying not to sneeze because of the

> feathers.

>

> You will find lots of triggers like mine, and for a while you will cry when

> something crops up, but as you get stronger you will treat these moments as

> precious. It doesn't matter how old you are, there is a remnant of

> childhood in all of us and in time the misery of his death will fade and

> the good, happy times will come into sharper focus.

>

> We are all thinking of you my dear and it's good to know that you are

> getting some comfort by sharing your sadness.

>

> God bless,

> Love, Mo

[Proud Wife]

Hi Natters

Good memory! Yes, my hubby had kidney stones in both kidneys but.....kidney stones in the kidneys themselves are not really a problem, they cause horrific pain when they get stuck in the ureter. So when my hubby presented with back pain (that's all he had) the first radiologist saw them and couldn't be bothered to look at the rest of the scan and missed the very obvious mass on pancreas and multiple liver lesions. We know that for a fact as we successfully pursued a claim for clinical negligence. Hubby was put through a total of 3 unnecessary kidney stone removal operations when he didn't need any of them and that was because the 2nd radiologist flagged the tumours but his surgeon couldn't be bothered to read the CT report. Scandalous really and I will never forgive them for what they put my hubby through when he could have started chemo earlier.

I have heard of quite a few people who had kidney stones (and hernias for that matter) and were then diagnosed with PC. My hubby had a triple hernia op a year before diagnosis. Who knows if there is any connection.

Natters, 6 months is no time at all. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't expect too much too soon. It's going to take time. Focus on keeping his memory alive. My son was 3 when my dad died and 6 when my mum passed away so I can totally relate about your daughter being cheated of a grandfather and you of a dad.

Much love xx

[natters]

Thanks for your message. Hope u r doing ok. Ive been feeling quite down. I think its as i know xmas is coming up and my dad loved xmas. my daughter has also spent the last 2 years on chemotherapy so its been a tough 2 years. She finishes treatment in Feb 2017. Im hoping for a happier 2017 as 2016 and 2015 werent great!! Xx

Proud Wife wrote:

> Hi Natters

>

> Good memory! Yes, my hubby had kidney stones in both kidneys

> but.....kidney stones in the kidneys themselves are not really a problem,

> they cause horrific pain when they get stuck in the ureter. So when my

> hubby presented with back pain (that's all he had) the first radiologist

> saw them and couldn't be bothered to look at the rest of the scan and

> missed the very obvious mass on pancreas and multiple liver lesions. We

> know that for a fact as we successfully pursued a claim for clinical

> negligence. Hubby was put through a total of 3 unnecessary kidney stone

> removal operations when he didn't need any of them and that was because the

> 2nd radiologist flagged the tumours but his surgeon couldn't be bothered to

> read the CT report. Scandalous really and I will never forgive them for

> what they put my hubby through when he could have started chemo earlier.

>

> I have heard of quite a few people who had kidney stones (and hernias for

> that matter) and were then diagnosed with PC. My hubby had a triple hernia

> op a year before diagnosis. Who knows if there is any connection.

>

> Natters, 6 months is no time at all. Don't be too hard on yourself and

> don't expect too much too soon. It's going to take time. Focus on keeping

> his memory alive. My son was 3 when my dad died and 6 when my mum passed

> away so I can totally relate about your daughter being cheated of a

> grandfather and you of a dad.

>

> Much love xx

[Guest]

Dearest Natter,

Coping with death and illness is no picnic is it? Its very very hard, some days its overwhelming. These are the days when its most important to take care of ourselves and not ask too much of ourselves. It does pass but it takes time and you have been coping for quite a while now so its going to take quite a while to regain your balance and start to move forward. PW is right, its very early days and little steps are enough.

Much as the media would like us to think otherwise Christmas is not a day where the whole world is happy. My Dad died at Christmas which put a damper on it for a while but Christmas is about showing care and consideration for those who may not have family or friends, or who are alone, and to express joy that despite the winter and darkness, new life is beginning again, its about the difference a baby, a new beginning can make to the world.

Of course your Dad loved Christmas because he liked people to enjoy the festivities. Maybe thats all we can do now they have passed, think of what they would enjoy and try to make their happy, healthy, joyful times count for more than their suffering. I would hate my children to only ever remember me as sick, it would be as if the good years never happened.

Sleep well and rest easy Natter, we will all be here surrounding you with our love and prayers xx