Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

[Quickasyoucan]

Mo sorry to hijack the thread but dg your dog sounds like he is in competition with boris for spoiled pet of the year! I love it. Hope you are having a reasonable start to the week mo,I'm rooting for you p and b. Although you're not supposed to say rooting in Australia as it has an entirely different rude meaning!! Ps how is your neighbours sister in oz going mo post heart attack.

[Justamo]

Hi Quickly, my neighbour's sister was thrown out of hospital two days later. When Peter had a heart attack 50 years ago things were very different - they started collecting for a wreath the minute you got a chest pain and IF you did survive it was six months off work. Nowadays it seems that you can have a heart attack in your lunch hour and still get into the office on time the next morning. Well, perhaps not, but you know what I mean.

Do you think we'll ever be talking about PC like that ? I wish.

I bet DG made lots of speeches about taking her dog to obedience training etc. when she first got him. And having a basket in the kitchen or perhaps the garage. And now look at him ! Sharing her pillow by the sound of it. If she cares to e-mail me with his vital statistics I'll see what I can do. Unless he's a Great Dane, in which case she can go to Poundstretcher** and buy a king-size duvet and sew it up the side.

I've finished the vet's bed. I mean I've finished the vet's cat's bed. I made a very deluxe job of it and even put the cat's name on the outside - "izzy" - in case it can read. The cat, not the vet. I hope I get some customers from her . . .

Peter has been in bed all day again - totally exhausted. I rang the MacMillan nurse, and he said it was the combination of RT & PE. I had to stop and work out what PE was - in my day it was leaping about in the playground wearing navy-blue knickers. I have been trying to get him to move around a bit, but without notable success. He's had a visitor for two afternoons which has cheered him up a lot and his appetite is surprisingly good.

Must dash, in a rush tonight.

Love Mo

** other cheap shops are available

[Quickasyoucan]

Mo did you have to wear black plimsolls to PE like we did with no laces just an elastic front?

Unfortunately I have had the other PE in fact multiple PE so I do know that terminology. And in my job I am learning more and more interesting medical terminology gotta love acronyms. Glad your patient has his appetite. Take care Quick

Ps a little medical brain teaser for you EUA plus TLH. Clue not pc related

[Justamo]

I've had one of them but fortunately avoided the total hysterectomy, laparoscopic or otherwise !

Yes, black elastic plimsolls, and the elastic used to perish and go into stringy bits. You kept them in shoebags hanging on your peg in the classroom.

X

[Quickasyoucan]

Mo just wondering how Peter has been this week. And You and Boris of course x

[Justamo]

Thanks, Quickly, for your kind enquiry. I last posted on 22/11, and said that Peter was refusing to get out of bed and said that he was 'too tired' and SuperNurse backed him up. By Friday (24/11) he was breathless again, so I rang his GP who sent the duty doctor straight out. Very sweet girl, not sure she is old enough to have a driving licence, but anyway she had a bit of a listen and said that My Patient has a chest infection - again. I've lost count of the number of times I'd warned him about getting a mucky chest if he wouldn't stay upright. So she faxed a prescription for super-strong-antibiotics to our local pharmacy and I collected them and administered them forthwith.

SuperNurse visited on Monday this week, and thought that Peter was a bit 'flat' and that he should really be trying to get up for a day, and maybe go out. So on Tuesday I drove him to a stretch of coast nearby where the dolphins come in close to the shore, but I think Tuesday must be their day off because we didn't see any. So we had a bacon roll instead, and then went to a garden centre which has its Christmas display in full swing. It's been in full swing since about August, but Santa was doing the rounds and foolishly asked Peter if he had been a Good Boy, and What Did He Want For Christmas ? He wasn't quite sure how to react when Peter said, "A new pancreas please". He'll probably need counselling by Boxing Day. Santa, not Peter.

It's one of those garden centres that only sells plants as a last resort so we looked at the oak furniture and the tweed knick-knackery and the pets' department, and the designer handbags and scarves (nasty) and the stuffed toys, and the delicatessen (smoked venison was only £12 for three ultra-thin slices) and Santa's Winter Wonderland, and then we had a decadent cream scone and a cup of overpriced tea. There's no doubt that a day out (well, a couple of hours), did Peter good; he even had a bit of an appetite and stayed downstairs for the evening and went to sleep in an armchair instead of his bed.

I dragged him out kicking and screaming on Wednesday as well, and dropped him off at the local indoor bowling centre to watch one of his buddies play a match, and on Thursday one of his friends took him out. I think they went to Tesco's, but it's a case of whatever floats your boat I suppose. Today he's been Home Alone (with a new DVD to keep him company) while I had a quick swim and then got my hair cut and whisked round Morrisons to restock the fridge.

And of course I'm smugly thinking that he's feeling better and that perhaps the radiotherapy has helped significantly, until I checked the box of quick-acting painkillers. He wasn't taking any at all for the past couple of weeks, but it looks as though he's been of 4 or 6 a day all this week. We see Dr Feelgood in a fortnight, and he has a scan booked for the day before.

The Gym/Pool have their Annual Christmas Party on Thursday this week. Peter usually comes with me, but this year I only bought one ticket. He just doesn't want to go out to social things; he's even turned down an invitation to the Golf Club Seniors' Christmas Lunch and he has never missed that before. It's entirely up to him of course, and I don't want to pressure him into doing anything he doesn't want to.

Boris is hale and hearty despite not having his full complement of teeth and has been warned several times about Santa not coming to Bad Cats . . . . . He has spent the last hour chasing a clothes peg around the kitchen floor. He loves the snow (providing that he can look at it through the window) and spent ages chasing snowflakes as they trickled down the glass when it snowed heavily earlier this week. He's been watching YouTube - honestly, do a search for 'Cat Videos'. His favourite is one where random white mice dash across the screen. Boo watches them solemnly and then inspects the back of my tablet very carefully in case they've popped out there. Perhaps I should get him an i-Pad for Christmas ?

This time last year I was planning a special Christmas in case Peter wasn't here for this one. I'm trying not to think along those lines now, and just enjoying each day as it comes. And this Christmas will be bittersweet - no Christmas Day phone call to my beloved cousin, and I will be thinking about Absent Friends on this forum too.

Once again I've rambled on and on about nothing. Perhaps it's me that's got Ostrich Syndrome.

Time to go and leave you in peace.

Love, Mo

[Quickasyoucan]

So lovely to hear from you. I'm glad your patient managed to get out and about.

I'm not sure if I'm ashamed to say I've seen the multiple videos of cats on iPads chasing fish etc. I've no doubt if you bought Boris one he would use it!! Btw when I typed boris in autocorrect gave me Borgia- do you think that's apt?!

Christmas won't really be great here either no grumps and no jake. I shall be going to my sisters and checking out her brood's no doubt huge stash of gifts.

I hope P manages some more positive days and that you get a bit of respite yourself Mo. could you make a large sleeping bag for yourself as they sound v cosy ! Xx

[Marmalade]

Darling Mo,

Your writing is a great treat for us all, it's full of seemingly insignificant cameos which say such a lot. I, and I suppose many others empathise with your anxieties and the checking of the meds and so many other things. I read your words and I am back there watching, waiting...

I am sorry you are going forward with mixed emotions this Christmas. I think it is amazing that you have nursed and cajoled Peter this far and that he is still well enough to get up and dressed and go out and about. It's truly amazing and something to celebrate and treasure.

Boris, is a wonderful companion, his antics bring little shafts of light to us all. Suzie's Bertie has been having a difficult time with a tick in his bottom which the vet had to remove and has taken to his sheepskin hammock to sleep off the indignity!

Much love to you both Mo, rest well,

Marmalade xxx

[Justamo]

We're hitting the painkiller trail again. Last night in my capacity as Senior Consultant I upped his background dose, and made a grovelling phone call to his GP this morning to see if that was OK. "Of course. And don't hesitate to add another 10mg if you think he needs it".

It took every ounce of effort for Peter to get up today, but he felt a lot better once he was sitting comfortably in his chair, with the halogen heater on (not worth running the central heating just to heat one room) and was able to tell Jeremy Kyle one or two home truths while drinking his Fortisip in lieu of breakfast. The additional painkiller meant that he slept on a little bit later this morning, and he was more comfortable during today as well. But it took over an hour to help him get up, and do his injections, and organise the various tablets, and he is so easily distracted and confused in the mornings these days. God knows how we will manage tomorrow, because he has an eye clinic appointment at 9.15.

Confused is the wrong word. Confused is when he was whipped into hospital with blood clots in his lungs and had smoked haddock and a jacket potato and trifle for breakfast, and tried to phone me at 3 in the morning because I was late for visiting. I think I mean that his lack of concentration is more marked.

Has anybody else had irrational flashes of anger at their 'patient'. Yesterday I was trying quite hard to listen to the midday news and I felt inwardly FURIOUS because he was talking to the cat in a loud voice. Yes, I know, that will come back to haunt me in the future. Is it just me that's evil and nasty, or has it happened to you ? Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Is it anything to do with this awful kind of 'advance grieving' that we do ? I've been grieving since before the official diagnosis, and I do know that anger is often directed to the sickness and not the person. But perhaps that's a cop-out and I'm just horrible. I sometimes feel resentful as well. "It's all very well for you lying there, but I've got the oven to clean". Or the ironing to do. As though cleaning and ironing naffing well mattered.

OK. Rant over. Please remember to stamp your hate mail before you post it because the Attendance Allowance doesn't stretch that far, especially with the price of gin these days.

Night all.

Mo

[AndAde]

I too am a horrible person.

I think I've become accustomed to choosing what to watch on TV. Last night Adrian stayed up with me, and of course the remote didn't leave his hand.....I could feel the anger rising. I can't believe how angry I felt over a bloody remote control when there's not a lot on TV anyway!!

[Quickasyoucan]

Mo I felt both anger and resentment at times and then guilt at both emotions while nursing jake and when I was with dad. Dad was also angry so we had a quite a few angry days. Its normal both at death and birth. I bet few first time mothers could put their hands on their hearts and say they never felt cross when their bundle of joy woke them for the umpteenth time after 2 mins sleep. It's part of loving someone. It'd be much worse if you were indifferent to it all. Xx

[WifeampMum]

I’m not proud to say that I’m a member of the horrible person club too. But you’re so right, Quickly, it goes with the territory. If it wasn’t for meditation, yoga and long walks in the park I think I’d be lurching from sobbing to seething on a pretty much 24/7 basis.

W&M xx

[AndAde]

Sobbing to seething...... that really sums up my life right now. Thank goodness I've got Taffy and Sweet Pea to keep me grounded xx

[Justamo]

Today was a nightmare.

He's been talking about the eye clinic for days, and we got there, with an effort, five minutes early. Actually, two days and five minutes early - the appointment is for Thursday.

So we went and had breakfast, and then into town where I left him in the car while I dashed into a shop, and then he wanted to look in one of the shops. Ten minutes later he was on the point of collapse from pain and cold, so it was a struggle to get him back to the car and home. Peter over-dresses for every occasion: vest, t-shirt, shirt, sweater, jacket. Today all he had put on was a t-shirt and a fleecey and it was absolutely Arctic here. It never occurred to me to check his ensemble before we went out because we were in a rush. I'll check next time he leaves the house.

For the rest of today he's been very, very muddled. Looking everywhere for a blue phone, watching the same (noisy) DVD twice, and if things don't improve tomorrow I'll phone the GP again.

I'm glad there are several other horrible people to keep me company. And who the heck are Taffy & Sweet Pea ? I've got a transgender teddy called Pansy, but can't imagine what/who is Sweet Pea. Please let me know immediately.

Love Mo

[Veema]

Yes Mo...I'm pretty sure we've all been the horrible angry person. It's so hard dealing with things all by yourself that were once shared...and then there's the fact that your life doesn't seem to matter whilst dealing with the sick person, because of course, they are the main priority. I remember quite clearly telling someone that I knew Nige was going to die and that part of me wished it would just happen so Phoebe and I could get on with our lives...how bloody awful is that? I'd now go back to that time in an instant, because looking after poorly Nige gave me a purpose...

Chin up lovely, you're doing great.

Vx

[Didge]

Mo, I hope the confusion gets sorted. It’s quite common with PC but can come from all sorts of causes so needs investigation. As for the ‘nasties’ we’d not be human if we didn’t crack sometimes. As long as we forgive ourselves no harm done xx

[Dandygal76]

Mo some emotions are just not discussed other than in a forum situation are they? It is such a hard thing to be supporting someone with this illness and there is no respite. You can go shopping or swimming and it is just there always and it never goes away and no one can not crack under that pressure at times. I think Veema and me had a conversation at one point on here about exactly the same issue and it being all about the patient and it was around my getting cross with dad. The burden is huge... massive... and I will admit to you now my friend that I was devastated (and still am of course) but also surprisingly relieved in some ways when dad died. I still cannot stand phones with my ring tone at the time because when it rang it sent shudders down me and most the time it was dad and I would say 'Hi dad how are you feeling are you okay' and in the last couple of months I just got "I feel shit" mostly and my day would be all about making him better. I swear I still get palpitations now at that ring tone. It was really hard and I was not the primary care giver. Chin up my lovely lady and yell at us... we can take it. x

[AndAde]

Hi Mo, Taffy is our very grumpy shih Tzu, and Sweet Pea is our 17 year old demanding male moggie. When he was a kitten the vet said that's a strange name for a tom cat, but I named him before he was sexed, and didn't want to change it.

Hope you're having a better day today.

Regarding the eye appointment, earlier this year Adrian had an appointment with the dietician. I dragged him from his bed to get him there, only to find out we were a day late! I guess its the strain of caring. Happens to the best of us (and the horrible ones too).

[Justamo]

Yesterday was awful. This morning everything seemed fine, so once Peter was settled after insulin and breakfast I went to his GP to collect some prescriptions and dropped them off at the pharmacy. Then I had a half-hour swim. I phoned home at 12.08 - I noticed the time on my phone - and Peter said he didn't feel too good, so I drove straight home which took 10 minutes.

By the time I got home he had lost his speech. Everything else worked, his face wasn't distorted, so I checked his blood sugar and that was ok. The GP came straight out; his heart was in AF and his sats were 98% one minute and 77% the next.

GP called an ambulance and while we waited for it I just held his hand. He was very frightened and his speech was coming and going. Sometimes it was total gobbledegook and then he would say a whole sentence which made sense. I asked him to write down what he needed in hospital and that was just a jumble of letters.

As I am writing this he is in the CT scanner. I have to phone the ward at 23.30 to speak to the doctor.

They think it's a small bleed in the bit of his brain which controls speech. He had difficulty in understanding instructions to clench his fists and raise his eyebrows too so the neurological examination wasn't entirely satisfactory.

I phoned his son who spent ten minutes telling me all about his motorbike, so I hung up.

Boris and I are sitting up in bed having a cup of tea and the sandwich which I stuck in the fridge at lunchtime. I'm eating the bread and Boo is eating the prawns.

I'll update you tomorrow.

Love Mo

[Didge]

Mo you poor thing. And poor Peter too. I do hope they get to the bottom of it. PC is such a weird cancer. There can be so many peculiar happenings it’s often hard to work out what’s going on. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. Much love xx

[Quickasyoucan]

Mo am very sorry to hear Peter is in hospital. I hope things improve for him. We are all thinking about you and sending positive thoughts. Xx

[Dandygal76]

Hey Mo, I hope things are more stable today. He is in the best place and at least you all have additional support whilst he is in the hospital. Please let us know how things are today - you know we are all routing for you guys. x

[Marmalade]

Hi Mo,

Hope you managed a little rest and that Peter is comfortable and a bit less anxious now. Love and hugs always Mo and best wishes and prayer that you both have a good day

Marmalade xxx

[Marmalade]

Dont have regrets about anything Mo, we are not saints, we all have our breaking points and we will all be forgiven. We do our very best and no one, especially you should beat yourself up about it. Yell on here as much as you like and scream from the roof tops that this is unfair on them and on us, because it is!

M xxxxx

[Justamo]

I rang the ward at 23.30 last night as instructed, and was told that "he's sleeping comfortably". So I asked to speak to the doctor and was told to phone back today.

I rang at 9.00 to be told that he's had a comfortable night, and was now resting comfortably.

The consultants and their acolytes do rounds between 9 and 11, so I asked if I should come up, because as he can't really speak I don't see how he can answer questions. "Oh yes", said the nurse, "visiting is at 2.30".

So I am comfortably sitting with Boris practicing deep breathing.

And BREATHE.

More later. Probably.

M