Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

[stepuha]

It is so lovely to read your post, Mo. you write so well, it is like reading a novel. I wish I had green fingers like you. I am rubbish at gardening but I do find it very therapeutic. Before we left on holiday, I planted some herbs, strawberries and tomatoes outside. It had been warm for weeks before we left and, of course, it had to snow when we were away. Luckily I put some plastic freezer bags on the tomatoes. Miraculously they survived and even started blossoming, so we may just have some early season tomatoes.

I hope the weather warms up soon. Sunshine can be so therapeutic. I know that dreaded feeling of 'what's next'. Hopefully you will get your answers soon.

With love

stepuha

[Justamo]

I've been quiet for a little while because I have been completely flattened by the two recent losses. Yes, flattened is the word. Not depressed or anything, just squashed and a bit withdrawn. It really is like a family on here: I mind desperately about other people's bad news. Hard to explain when we've never even 'met' each other but that's the power of the forum. That's why it's so good when people share good news too because I can rejoice in their happiness.

Now. Back to the day job. My Patient is still in bed, swearing robustly at Jeremy Kyle. He was swearing robustly at the News and the Weather and most of the advertisements as well, so I don't think it's anything personal against JK, it's just how he is today. Kind of normal.

He's been feeling fragile since Thursday, having had chemo last Wednesday. Absolute fatigue, mild nausea, an itchy/blistery patch on his forehead, sudden awareness of all the hair I've been poking out of the plughole, and general misery. He's stayed in bed most of the time; he gets a sore back slouching in the armchair and lying down is easier, but of course he goes off to sleep when he does that and misses the climax of whatever junk he's been watching on TV. He's obviously feeling better today - I can tell by the level and variety of swear words - so I may persuade him to get up and go out for a while. Peter is not at his best indoors. He needs to be Up and Out every day; my Nanny used to call it cabin fever. It's a bright and sunny day (so far) so a tootle out in the car might appeal.

We've had a couple of alarums and excursions: the bold Boris hopped over a 6ft wall last Thursday and as the good Lord endowed him with beauty rather than brains he didn't know how to get back again. I rushed and got a ladder and climbed onto the wall, but fortunately my neighbour was at home, and likes cats, so she picked him up and handed him back. He is now grounded unless one of us is within grabbing distance so his sorties into the undergrowth have been dramatically curtailed. See how my world has shrunk ? These silly things assume immense importance when your boundaries are dictated by illness. Really, Mo, get a life will you ?

While we've been housebound I've been sewing and gardening. The garden looks stunning but by June it will look ordinary again. It's a late spring garden - the alpines are all showing off like mad, and the peonies are threatening to explode within the next fortnight. I've still got masses of daffodils, and the species tulips are stunning. Don't like ordinary tulips and never grow them, but these little beauties pack so much into their diminutive size - dark pink with black middles. Lovely. The perceptive amongst you will have gathered that I'm still feeling a bit flat and trying very hard to find something to make me happier and waxing lyrical about the garden like a naffing bulb catalogue is as near as I can get.

This forum is very quiet at weekends. I check in most days and in my current frame of mind I think people aren't posting because something awful has happened. If I pulled myself together a bit I would assume that no news is good news.

I am now going to go and prod My Patient to see if he will get up and come out. At present he is singing very loudly (and tunelessly) so obviously he is conscious and ready to sit up and take notice.

Hope everybody is OK

Take care

Love, Mo

[Veebee]

You've kickstarted the forum, Mo. I'm smiling at Boris' antics. Our old Springer was very brave at barking at other dogs through the fence but used to dash into the house if they barked back.

JK deserves to be sworn at and good for Peter for doing it...carry on cussing, Peter.

Love Vee xx

[stepuha]

Hello Mo, your garden sounds really beautiful. It is a shame we can't post pictures on the forum, I would love to see it.

My family always knows when I feel better, I get louder and start ordering everyone around. I often feel like swearing but try to control myself in the presence of the children.

We are waiting for the end of May to adopt two kittens (it has to be two, so kids don't murder one whilst fighting for it). We are on the list of adoptees in a local rescue center. Apparently they get around 30 kittens each year, so it should be easy enough to get them. I will be entertaining everyone with my kitten/children stories soon, I hope.

I know what you mean about the forum being quiet on the weekends. I also worry that it means bad news but hope that people are out enjoying themselves.

Wishing you a peaceful week.

X stepuha

[Proud Wife]

Well, I don't know about anyone else but my mood is lifting more and more as I work my way through latest updates. First we had W&M's good news, then Stepuha's baby wide smile and gorgeous caring kiddies and now your good humour, with a side order of patient improvement. Excellent. The only fly in the ointment for me today, is Boris. Having been privileged to receive a couple of photographs off forum, I can reliably announce Boris is one rather special, handsome furry forum family member. I only hope he was not too frightened by his adventures.

On the subject of swearing, don't ask me why but when my hubby felt at his best, his used to open his car window and shout out F,B,C's to passers by. I think it was just his way of expressing how he felt about PC. A form of release perhaps. I continue, in his memory and for those that have crossed the divide. I suppose it's far better than punching someone.

May everyone have a lovely, peaceful week.

Much love

PW xx

[Veema]

Oh Mo...I do wish you lived closer and could advise on my garden...its huge and I am just not a natural gardener. I mowed and scarified the front lawn last weekend, which totally balded it as it was full of dead grass and moss, so then chucked some seed on, which hasn't done anything! I bought a load of plants (no idea what they were) and shoved them in yesterday...my fingers hurt. I swept the patio and the decking...I've never seen so much muck...the more I swept, the more there was! think I'm going to have to get a gardener.

I'm glad all's quiet on your western front...

Vx

[Justamo]

Thanks, ladies.

Stephua: if the new kittens need a litter tray, make sure that you are not the one who cleans it. And if you can't delegate the job, wear rubber gloves. You can pick up toxoplasmosis from cat faeces and if you are having chemo you will be a bit vulnerable. You don't need an Osis on top of everything else.

Veema, I am an expert on lawns. I expertly paid a youthful neighbour to scarify the lawn on Monday. Next week I will expertly pay him more money to stick a garden fork into it at 12" intervals and wiggle it round a bit to make holes in it, and then I will throw bucketfuls of sand over it. With any luck it will then rain (or snow) and wash the sand into the holes. Then I'll mix a handful of seed with some soil and chuck that around so that I can watch the local sparrows expertly pick out all the seed and eat it. If it still looks moth eaten after all that I will blame young Jake. If it looks good I will modestly take the credit and graciously accept the plaudits. Simples.

Right. Anybody else got a problem ?

Love

Mo

[Guest]

Dear Aunt Mo,

I am just writing to say how much I am enjoying your new life as an agony aunt for animals and gardens! Little rays of sunshine are so welcome.

M xxxx

[raun cesar]

Hi Justamo,

It a great feeling to be together again after being apart for long. Surgery is the good news, initially is difficult hopefully he will recover Keep on updating us

Lots of luck

[Proud Wife]

Yes Mo. I have a problem. I can't seem to stop shoving food in my mouth.

Solution? Other than have my jaw wired?

Hope all's well your end. xxx

[Veema]

Damnit! I didn't do the forking!

Vx

[Justamo]

Some neighbours bought artificial lawn from B & Q and laid it on a small patch by their patio. At the time I thought it was very common and lowered the tone of the area, (think Hyacinth Bucket) but after trying to cut the naffing grass in the snow last week it seemed like a terrific idea. All you would need to do is pop out and hoover it from time to time.

But it would cost an absolute fortune, and if Boris powdered his nose or took his trousers down on the 'grass' it would mean sending for a mop and bucket. Unlikely, because he comes tearing in with his legs crossed to use his litter tray before tearing back out again to see if the baby bird he fancied for lunch had waited for him.

My Patient was very sick today and muttered about chemo, but I don't think it was really chemo-related. I think he let his blood sugar descend to ridiculous levels and then gave the emergency jelly babies a hammering. So now he's in bed doing swearing at the TV, Boris is doing thinking, and I'm supposed to be doing this perishing programme for the Golf Club and I'm stuck with it. Committee meeting tomorrow night. Help !

Take care.

Love Mo

[stepuha]

Thank you, Mo. I grew up with dogs so I already have toxoplasmosis. It doesn't hurt to be careful so I will keep the rubber gloves at hand.

x stepuha

[Veema]

I've had artificial grass put down in the back garden (Nige would be spinning in his grave had I buried, rather than burned him), it's the most amazing stuff...it did cost quite a bit as the Duchess in me picked out the most expensive stuff from the samples I was shown (I had to take my socks off and walk on them...it was the only way to choose). Our grass used to be sodden all the time, insect ridden and generally somewhere I didn't want to be...now I can roll around in gay abandon without getting wet or muddy or covered in slugs etc. Dido (dog) has decided she doesn't like to use it as a poo place, so that's all good, in any case, it's easy to pick up if she does and a quick hose down every now and again keeps it nice and fresh. Our front lawn joins into next doors and so would be difficult to change to artificial turf without altering the look of the road (probably not allowed in the covenants), so that will have to stay as traditional turf...it's my mission to get it green and lush and beautiful. I may be living in a dream world.

I've got my counselling session in a few minutes, so better go and have a wee.

Hope the patient has a better day today.

Vx

[Justamo]

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

And they were flat.

Sat upon

By

A cat.

Enjoy your weekend, hope everyone is as well as they can be.

Boris is busy gardening. In his own sweet way.

Love

Mo

[Veema]

Fab!

[Dandygal76]

Hey lovely Mo… miss pants is back and I opened a word document to comment as I read through your posts from early April!!! I am where I am on this subject (frozen pretty much) but I have learned that all of us (including the patients) have such different reactions to things. So, going from April I will be a bore…

• Patients often have their quiet times

• Spending money on golf things… I can only go by experience but I was very surprised to find what dad had spent money on.

• I probably would have been a friend who displeased you in buying a cancer food book prior to dad’s diagnoses. It is probably a cancer virgin or Peter has expressed a view he thinks he can control the ghastly beast (and some people do very well with this tactic).

• Starlings are bloody pests and I am spending about a £2 a day on bird food at the moment (not my choice) but at least they are not in any buildings. They are my garden nightmare.

• Tote bags – whatever rocks your boat my lovely??

So, has the buggy been for a drive without the snow? I hope the fatigue is gone as it is a pesky beast (as is Jeremy Kyle). My dad also had blistery things on his head at one point but they went away on their own. It is a random point but make sure always lots of water is being drunk to flush the chemo out. We also got dad a really comfy garden chair that you can adjust for watching tv. Armchairs are not great for tv under these circumstances.

Re Boris and jumping walls… we have a new staffie and he is doing the same in wall jumping to neighbours. A lovely rescue dog but I have no idea how I am going to contain the little blighter. At least his antics are doing what he was supposed to do… cheering up the eldest child.

Re the garden – you can get lovely June blooms. My neighbour does the spring stuff and the summer is wasted…. You should get lots of lovely pots and hangers for the garden as well to convert to the summer.

Always remember… moaning is a great sign of energy I found. If he is moaning that is a sign the car needs a blowout.

I also have a problem… I really hate that I have to scroll up to change pages on the new forum. I already know the fix is to come back more so I do not need to do it. I am trying my lovely. I read and I really want to finish dad’s story but I am just not there yet.

You can always contact offline. I find it easier than the forum at the moment.

Much love my lovely friend.

xxx

[Elaine123]

Hi Mo great to read your " cheer me up " posts again. Lovely to catch up on Peter again ( and Boris ) and your thoughts on artificial grass lol. Still at the putting one foot in front of the other then going back two but great to be back on the forum as I know everyone understands whereas people I have known for years don't seem to know what to do or say around me. Take care and big hugs.

Elaine

X

[Justamo]

Nice to hear from you Elaine. I understand about people not knowing what to say to you. It's odd how close friends can't get on your wavelength, and yet people that you hardly know can say just the right thing at the right time. I noticed it when my dad died. Odd. Anyway, it's lovely to have you back.

I have had an exciting week. I nipped out to buy some fabric (more naffing tote bags) yesterday lunchtime and completely missed a kerb so landed on the side of my foot. It hurt like stink so I sat quietly in my car until the pain had gone off a bit and then drove home. It gradually got better but then by the end of the afternoon my whole foot had turned navy blue and had swollen up quite badly. So I became a statistic in the NHS A & E Waiting Time Tables, and after a couple of hours left hospital with a shiny pair of crutches. I haven't broken anything but I have torn ligaments and can't drive for a while. And this is the week that Peter has 5 hospital appointments ! We managed two of them today, him striding along corridors and me dot-and-carry-one behind him. And people trying to help us to the Bad Leg Department, and us trying to get to the McMillan Clinic and the Eye Clinic . . . . .

Fortunately Peter is well enough to drive today, and should be OK tomorrow, but it's chemo tomorrow and by Friday transport may be a problem. But the freezer is full and I can always get Tesco to deliver . . . . Having broken the other ankle twice I'm quite an expert on crutches but this time I feel quite shaky so I'm happy enough to stay around the house and garden for a few days. And the weather is totally glorious here so that's a consolation. And you can't do ironing on crutches, can you ?

And isn't it lucky that Mr Bogeyman doesn't do extra shifts in Accident and Emergency ?

Take care

Mo

[Quickasyoucan]

Hijacking your thread justamo re dandy gals staffy. They are scramblers as well as jumpers. Jake was a staffy x. Get rid of anything on which they can get a foothold. If that's possible. Also inward leaning fence extender/mesh if that's possible and safe. He may be finding something to jump on to get over or a weak spot. Jake used to jump like a cat was amazing to me when I first got him. Hope that helps and sorry for the hijack and about your injury mo.

[Elaine123]

Aw Mo you could do without your injury and having to use crutches , you need to get Peter to bring you his buggy home from the golf club. I could just picture you and Peter striding ( you hobbling ) up and down the hospital corridors and the waft of Peters expensive aftershave in your wake. Hope your foot feels better soon. Take care

Elaine

X

[Proud Wife]

Fabulous, idea Elaine!

Sending you and Peter all good wishes Mo. And Boo of course. Hope he's now been restored to his former glory after the tuna oil rub. xx

[Justamo]

Had a phone call from my darling cousin at the beginning of the week to say that she has had a stent fitted (Oesophageal cancer) and had been in pain ever since, so she was being admitted to a hospice for 'a few days' to get the pain relief sorted out.

So I filled up the fridge, wrote lots of notes, left My Patient to look after himself and hopped on a plane on Friday to spend a couple of days near to her. Lovely hospice, lovely staff, best of care, magnificent gardens, but still bad pain and a total lack of appetite and thirst. The 'few days' has now morphed into 'a couple of weeks'. Her partner is very positive about everything and is working out plans for her care when she comes home. I feel a little bit as though I'm in Limbo; I can't see a positive side and yet I don't feel especially pessimistic about the situation either.

Peter picked me up at the airport this afternoon. He has managed OK but is sick of chicken and says that he has no appetite. He only wanted a sandwich this evening despite only having had soup for lunch (Google just typed SOAP) but cheered up a bit when I suggested fruit and ice cream after the sandwich. He's had his last chemo and has a scan booked for 29th May. I gave nice tote bags to all the staff who had been so kind to him, and Dr Feelgood got a special one for Mrs Feelgood. She was delighted. I can't get worked up enough to worry about the scan at the end of this month - in a strange way I feel that all of this is preordained and whatever is coming is going to happen anyway without me getting all drama queen about it.

It's almost as though I'm sitting in an audience waiting for the next Act. Perhaps I've overdosed on stress and anxiety ? I know it doesn't sound like it, but despite distraction techniques my every waking minute is about cancer and it's coming from all directions. Even when I hurt my foot last week the first thing the A & E doctor asked me about was my own cancer. What the hell does that have to do with a bashed up foot ?

I daresay that I'm just overtired with travelling and driving 300 miles on top of the flights and by tomorrow everything will feel better. My Patient is sound asleep. My Cat is in bed with him, also sound asleep. Nobody is talking to me, they're all too tired. So I think I will just go to bed myself and wake up in a more sunshiny mood tomorrow. As Nanny used to say.

God Bless,

Love Mo

[Guest]

Ah lovely Mo,

In many ways you are right, we don't have to be fatalistic but at the same time we do sometimes need to recognise that fretting and trying to push back the tide is unnecessarily exhausting and it can be a relief when we accept our fate. I am put immediately in mind of St Francis, change what we can, accept what we can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. Now if he could only pass on that wisdom!

The limbo is probably exhaustion - flake out and rest, it's allowed. It has taken many months so far for my batteries to recharge and I am still on a trickle charge so don't underestimate the drain on your physical and emotional resources of 24/7 cancer and caring. Worrying will not alter the scan results and not worrying will not cast a bad spell on things. You have a rest from chemo appointments so make the most of it

Rest well Mo, be calm and know that you are not alone and never will be

M xxxx

[Elaine123]

Hi Mo I have been lax at coming on the forum since Pete passed I think to be honest I felt a bit guilty and worried that I was upsetting people and reminding them how awful PC is. However I think that was just an initial feeling and seems to have eased off a bit.it is nice to read over everyone's posts and catch up with you all.... Life is ever so slowly taking on a resemblance of normality. There seemed to be things to attend to every day and there was always someone arriving or leaving and it was becoming so stressful as I never actually had time to myself to go over personal issues or thoughts. This week has been a lot quieter and I have been walking every day along the waterfront and like Petes song some days are diamonds and I think over happy memories , other days are like stones and every step of the walk is just reminders he is no longer here but I feel good after the walk. Like you I have also got caught up in the garden and passed many hours doing it. I as usual cheered up reading through your posts I can always rely on you brightening my mood. I hope all is well with Peter and that Boris is keeping within his garden boundaries. Take care and try and make time for yourself....it's only now I realise just how hands on we all are and were and how intense every day was ....keep making us laugh Mo it's a pleasure reading your posts.....hugs

Elaine x