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[Veema]

That's exactly the reason I don't want it...why on earth do I want to talk to a total stranger about Nige when they don't know him...I don't even think I need counselling...I think I'm coping just fine and dandy. I'm just not putting up with any crap. The teacher in question sent me a text tonight saying 'thinking of you xx' with a bloody big smiley face emoticon thing...what planet does the woman live on???

Anyway...I've had an extra few days holidays, so all good.

Vx

[Guest]

Exactly! Enjoy the few days off and try not to bother about these silly people. Lots of people make silly or inappropriate remarks and gestures or assumptions. They are not trying to be unkind, quite the reverse but they are emotionally immature and inexperienced.

Now relax and eat your biscuits/drink wine

M xx

[Veema]

The thing that really winds me up is this bloody teacher is supposedly a trained counsellor!!! I hope I don't get anyone like her!

[Guest]

I have a cousin in Australia who is an eminent psychologist - she has been full of common sense and supportive of time and letting the tears come, mind you, her husband was killed in a car accident leaving her with 3 teenagers so she speaks from experience as well as theory. She did a degree, masters and PHD because she needed to support the kids!

Try and be open minded, some actually do know their business. You said this woman is a good teacher, pity she has so little self awareness. Let's hope this is something she will think about but you have to let it go now because the solution has been agreed and you certainly don't need other people's issues right now.

Nighty night xxx

[Didge]

I found bereavement counselling great after my first husband died although we didn't really talk about the bereavement as much as everything that was going on in my life. I felt it very helpful to be able to talk to a 'stranger' about my life and grew to look forward to it. Don't forget you are in control. If you want, you can just sit there and not talk about anything or just your job plans or whatever. You can vent your anger, safely and confidentially etc. You can use it as you wish. x

[Justamo]

Hello V, I think your headteacher sounds like quite a sensible lady. I'm glad that your decision about leaving your job has been 'postponed' as it were. I think it's a mistake to make a fairly big decision about your future while you're still sorting out the immediate aftermath of Nige's death. A bit of breathing space is a good thing.

I've been offered counselling twice. Once when I was diagnosed with cancer, and I had one session with a lady with very hairy legs and wooden jewellery. She spoke entirely in jargon; I couldn't stand it and jacked it all in after only 20 minutes. The second time was before I had major heart surgery. That really was helpful, and I appreciated it. (Different lady, no jargon and plenty of common sense). So if you don't think that counselling is for you at the moment that's OK, but I wouldn't shut the door on the offer - see if you can rethink it in a few months time when you might be feeling quite different.

Take care of yourself, Hugs to Phoebe and Ughs to you.

Love Mo

[Dandygal76]

Hey V.. you could always ask to see how the next half term goes and then decide. If you are not ready for counselling then you will still keep your options open then. If you go nuts at the new teacher then it is a no brainer that you are struggling but if everything falls into place then perhaps no need for counselling. As for the text, just reply 'thanks' to everything and don't engage any further. That way you don't look like you are continuing things but at same time you give her no space in your mind as to weird ways. x

[Justamo]

V, how are you and Phoebe ? Did you decide to go ahead with the counselling ? Or is there a 6-month waiting list ?

Tell us how you're getting on and how Phoebe is getting on at school after the Christmas holiday.

Love, Mo

[Guest]

Mo darling,

You are going to have to bite the bullet and join FB where you will find us all. Do you know any small children who can help you set up the security so that you don't air everything on the interweb?

M xx

[Veema]

No...not doing the counselling...have moved into the juniors and feel much more comfortable. Phoebe is doing OK most of the time...has a few wobbles, but so do I. I put the caravan up for sale last week and cried for about 4 solid hours.

Found out yesterday that the mother of a little boy in my class (she also has a daughter in Phoebe's year group) has got some really rare stomach cancer...nothing they can do. The boy is 8 and the girl 10. It's just too sad, so I did a fair bit of crying for them yesterday.

I pick my new car up on Thursday, which is a bit exciting...but will then have to part with some of my inheritance...

Vx

[Veema]

It was 6 months yesterday since Nige died...in some ways it seems like yesterday and in other ways it seems a lifetime ago. There's been so much to sort out that I'm only just coming to the end of it, the caravan goes next weekend and with it my old life.

I'm still functioning ok, but have started, recently, to cry a lot more...I think realisation has set in. I struggle to look back at our lovely life together because I feel so sad that we won't be making any more memories as a complete family. I look at photos and can't believe that I don't have that relatively carefree life any more. All those things I took for granted...all the time I took Nige for granted. I should have spent more time with him instead of doing my own thing...what a waste. I sit in the staff room listening to all the women moaning about their husbands...I never had cause to moan about Nige, he was a brilliant husband...I actually said to one woman 'at least you've got one' when she was complaining about her husband. I do find my tolerance of people in general is lower than it was (and I was never a tolerant person!)

Phoebe is stressed about school...she's got her SATS coming up, they've got her extra time and she's doing them in the heads room with the little girl who's mum is dying of stomach cancer...the family support worker is invigilating them and they will be able to take breaks when they need to. I'm dreading the transition to high school and all her hormones are starting to kick in...all this I have to deal with on my own.

So...I'm half way through that first year...we did Christmas, we did my birthday, we did Nige's birthday and we've coped...we've yet to get through Phoebe's birthday and our summer hols, but we will cope.

Sorry for the overly depressing post...

Vx

[sandraW]

Veema,

That's what we are here for V, because we all understand exactly how you feel

Its nearly 2 years since I lost Trevor and I have been really really down this winter worse than last, sorry if I am not giving you much hope that you will start to feel better anytime soon, but its a whole new life for us all.

Its just hard, to accept that we are, never going to see them again ever!

I always felt stupidly that after some amount of time Trevor would suddenly be here again, I don't know if it was some kind of coping mechanism, or what.

It sounds are though the school are being really supportive of Phoebe, its such a hard time for her too of course, but you two are obviously very close, so I am sure she will get there.

I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you both, and at the end of the day its all just a matter of time, time heals so they say, and how lucky are we to have those wonderful happy memories to look back on, take care love sandrax xx

[Elaine123]

Hi Vee I am so glad you felt you could share your feelings with everyone here and far from being depressing I found it so realistic and I think loss and grieving for the person we loved for so long is something that we all can identify with whether they have gone or are still here going through there own journey with PC. As Sandra said it is a whole new life for us all and we will never be that person again that we were before this horrible disease came into our lives. I try so hard not to dwell on the future but I know it is there waiting in the wings. I am thinking of both you and Phoebe and I hope your wonderful memories sustain you both until you can reach a place where your feelings and memories are not as raw. Thinking of you both . Hugs

Elaine

Xx

[Guest]

I know exactly what you are going through V and understand so well the feeling of things being like yesterday but also like a million years ago. I still cry almost every day and find making decisions daunting without Louis.

You did your very best for Nige with the knowledge that you had at the time, that's all any of us can do. You have come a very long way in that six months, dealt with some big events and made lots of decisions and you have always kept your precious daughter at the top of your priorities.

It's very hard but you have done really, really well so don't be too hard on yourself or expect to feel "better", its far too soon. You have a good cry, Nige was worth it xx

[Elaine123]

Thinking of you and Phoebe ....I hope you both have a good weekend and this spring weather gives you both a lift....hugs to both

Elaine

X

[Proud Wife]

I thought you'd been quiet over on FB. I can so relate to how you are feeling. It's just over 9 months for me and I'm starting to feel differently. Whereas before I would just keep thinking about all the bad things, now I have to blank them out because it hurts too much. Not sure if that's a step forwards or backwards.

If we all had the wonderful benefit of hindsight, we'd all have done things differently so you can't beat yourself up on anything you may or may not have done. Neither of us had any idea that our marriages would end abruptly like this before diagnosis.

I really do think you should have a chat with your GP, you don't have to do anything or take medication if you don't want to. Selling the caravan must have been a major trigger and of course you're fretting about Phoebe, who my heart goes out to as well as her little friend. Life can be so damn cruel and there's just no answers as to why. I read about a little girl of 4 who died 22 minutes before midnight after a hit and run accident yet her parents were selfless enough to donate some of her organs. I dread to think how her mother is coping today of all days.

I think we need more nightly conversations to lighten the mood! You know where I am xx

[Dandygal76]

Hey V,

The passage of time is mad isn't it. Next week will be 2 months without dad. I am so busy worrying about my mum now though that it is hard to process my own feelings at times. Oh and I get the amount of things to sort out.. it is never ending and I am looking forwards to the day I do not dread the post box with another letter with that horrible word '(deceased)' after his name.

It is awful trying to manage the kids feelings on top. My eldest has just spent the last 2 months (other than 1 kick off day) pretending everything is normal and nothing has happened. I am just at a loss in what to do with him and so I just have to let him carry on and process things in his own way.

I also wish I had spent time with dad but we are only human. It wasn't wasted time to have time to yourself at any point. Time to ourselves makes the time with them even more special. He loved you because of who you are and that is all part of who you are.

I am sure you will make the best of Phoebe's birthday and that she will forge new happy memories of birthdays and holidays that will embed in her mind way before those pesky hormones kick in. She will do you both proud, I am sure of that with a mum like you supporting her the whole way.

I hope you are both having a good weekend.

Stay strong my lovely. x