Ascites

[Guest]

Nothing wrong with you V, cry not cry makes no difference, some days you want a good sob, others you don't. I' so glad it went off okay, and that so many people are recalling happy times. No one deserves to be remembered like they were at the end.

Real life may take a while but you have got through this big week which is no small achievement. There will be more hurdles so manage your expectations and remember, the people on here never judge you or think you have to behave this way or that.

I hope some of our good wishes and prayers land and wrap you in comfort and peace and our presence in on the sidelines encourages you.

Rest easy V,

M xx

[jay]

Glad the day went well Veema,

I hardly shed a tear at Jem's funeral as I didn't want to upset Jessica. To be honest it just feels like you are in a dream.

Take care and go at your own pace. Phoebe's power point sounds beautiful.

love and hugs Jayne

xx

[Dandygal76]

Hey Veema. I am glad the day went smoothly and I can only imagine what a strange day it would have been and peoples emotions do not seem to tally with expectations of 'how they should be' from all the funeral descriptions we have seen on here. I do hope things are still reasonably calm for you all. It is surreal how the laughter can break through in these situations, I know it sounds awful but one of the funniest times i have had (buckled over laughing) was arranging the funeral of my best friends brother several years ago with her mum and sisters. It was surreal. I think it is also a coping mechanism.

Much love, DG. xx

[sandraW]

Hi Veema,

Glad everything went well,it is such a surreal occasion,the saying goodbye, but still not really grasping the fact that they have gone, expecting that in a little while things will revert back to how they were.Julia (a lady who still posts on here from time to time) always used to say "keep on keeping on" and that's all we can do. It doesn't get easier as much as you learn to live with the fact that they are not there anymore, even today I saw something and thought, Oh I must tell Trevor then realised that I couldn't after all, take care of yourself and Phoebe, I hope she is doing okay, love sandrax xx

[Justamo]

Hope your day was more or less OK V, and that Phoebe is coping with it too.

Thinking of you both, and the boys too.

Love, Mo

[Veema]

Grrrrr! One financial institution wants probate...I've got to go through the whole damn rigmarole just to take Nige's name off an insurance policy...ridiculous!!!

That is all.

Grrrr.

Vx

[Justamo]

Only Grrrrr ? If you message me privately I can supply a list of MUCH better words, courtesy of My Patient, in various combinations, and guaranteed to partially relieve stress.

Love

Mo

[Veema]

Oh Mo...I've got some much better words than that...trouble is, the mods would have to censor them...

Vx

[Guest]

I sympathise Veema,

I have the same issue. Everyone else is happy and have made over bigger sums but one company are insisting. There is absolutely no justification for it, they don't gain anything only solicitors (if you use one) and the government (£217 minimum) collect.

I just received 16 pages of forms to transfer some shares into my name and they have already had the will, the death certificate and certified copies of my passport, birth and marriage certificates. They are charging £85 because there is no grant of probate, for doing what? Okay, rant over.

Apart from that, I hope you are both getting through the days without too much advice and interference. Thinking of you, M xxx

[Veema]

That's just what I don't understand...the will states everything comes to me...I have the marriage certificate and all my ID...what's the issue, it seems bizarre...and its for my life insurance that was written up as my life assured but in Nige's name, so on my death it would pay him out immediately...I just now want my life assured in my own damn name!!!

I've filled in the probate form easily enough, but the inheritance tax form that has to accompany it, is more taxing (pun intended)...I don't have the values of some of the assets yet, so can't complete it. Suppose there's no rush, but I just want everything sorted.

[Guest]

Exactly! It appears to have something to do with the levels of indemnity held by the institutions. Each has different levels at which they require probate. With major banks the figure is quite high but other institutions its £5000. Sadly they can legally insist and there is nothing you can do. Fortunately everything has been paid over now bar this one damned thing.

Ah well, these things are sent to try us. Rest well V, M xx

[Dandygal76]

Dearest Veema, how are you doing around all the paperwork? Pesky bureaucracy is a nightmare. I hope Phoebe and you are doing okay and that the boys are looking after their little sister on this journey. It must all still seem so surreal my lovely but you know we are here for you whenever you need us.x

[Veema]

I am surprisingly OK...thought it would be a nightmare, but we're coping really well. I have my moments of intense sadness, but it by no means fills my days. I'm going on a trip with school next week and then back part time the week after. Most of the financial stuff is done, just waiting for the monies to be paid into the bank...there are a few bits where I'm waiting for forms to fill in, and the probate to finish for one policy, but apart from that, all is good. I am prepared for the meltdown to come though...

I have excelled myself this morning...having new stairs and landing carpet fitted, took the old carpet up and one of the stair risers was loose...I found a little metal bracket in the garage and screwed it in place and bobs your uncle...sorted. I am a DIY genius.

I've still got all the sympathy cards up...think it's time to take them down really, will do that tomorrow when I do the cleaning.

Hope everyone else is OK.

Vx

[Proud Wife]

Hello V

Your lastest post really mirrors where I am at. I don't think those moments of immense sadness and loss will ever go away but hopefully they will become fewer and far between.

The best advice I can give you is to continue to keep busy, it really does help. Enjoy that school trip! Brings back memories of a trip I assisted on as a parent, many years ago to Southend with 30 odd very noisy 9 year olds on the top of a very old rickety double decker bus. Didn't think we would make it back in one piece.

Much love to you and Phoebe. xxx

[Veema]

Had a totally rubbish day today.

I'm a bit PMT, so have been teary all day anyway...had a bit of a tiff with my mum and generally just wanted to be on my own.

This evening my mum phoned...my auntie, who had breast cancer 15 years ago, has just found out she's got cancer in her bones, in her lungs and in her liver...she's waiting to see if any treatment will be offered and what that might be. I don't know if it's a new primary, or if its breast cancer spread as she did have significant lymph node involvement back then. I'm gutted...she's been like a second mum...she supported me throughout my pregnancy when my own mum was in hospital for 6 months and has always been that special auntie.

Then as I'm sat here just about to have a brew after taking Phoebe to bed, I can hear water running like the tap has been left on...nope...water is pouring through the ceiling of the downstairs toilet light fitting...toilet is flooded and it's starting to flood the hallway and the lounge...loads of towels later and the stop cock located (good job Phoebe knew where it was), leak has subsided, but now have no water until the engineer comes tomorrow. They say it never rains but it pours...literally! So now have no water and no heating...and it's flippin' cold! I'm supposed to be seeing the financial advisor tomorrow, but will have to cancel that now. I hope they don't have to rip the new carpet up upstairs which I've just had fitted (for the second time) to locate the leak. What a nightmare.

Vx

[Guest]

OMG! Its been a dog of a day for quite a few of us, poor PW has water pouring through her ceiling too and is sitting there listening to the plumber ripping the toilet out. I've been teary all day, no disasters yet but a thumping headache and generally miserable.

I am so very sorry to hear about your auntie, I don't know why these things come at us all at once but reading on here you will see the pattern repeated time and time again. Maybe we just latch on to all the horrible things that are happening because we are so low already and don't see the positives or maybe life is just really rubbish. Small consolation that even in this we are not alone.

I hope you get some rest

M xxx

[Dandygal76]

Oh dear V

Tiffs with mums are not nice at all but I am sure it will pass. If we cannot have a little tiff with our mothers on occasion then we would have no where to process would we.

What a shame about your auntie, as Marmalade says it does just seem to be one thing after another. This does seem to get worse as we get older and more people around us get poorly. I hate cancer and I dearly hope that one day there will be cure. What an absolute shame for you all.

I hope you get the water fixed today and as they say... this too will pass. And I know this does not work on a lot of things but with a leakage... this too will definitely pass. So, hold on and perhaps FB for anyone with a blow heater you can borrow in the meantime.

I am routing for you all, the leak being repaired, the carpet being okay, most definitely your auntie coming through this and mostly that you and Phoebe can get some peace the other side of everything that has happened and is still happening to you.

x

[Justamo]

Oh V, I'm so sorry. I do, however have a method of dealing with these crises.

A. Swear loudly and as fluently as you can.

B. Get A Man In. Forget womens' lib and flutter your eyelashes and sniff.

C. You can't boil cabbage without water, so take Phoebe out for a nice supper tonight.

D. You can't wash without water so either (i) stock up on air freshener, or (ii) locate a leisure centre and spend the evening there after your nice meal. Phoebe will love it.

What about all these people who say at funerals, "If there's anything I can do, just let me know". Did any of them mean it ?

Really sorry about the mess, wish I lived near and I'd be there with my mop and bucket, my slippers and pinny on, and a fag in the corner of my mouth.

Much love, Mo

[Veema]

Ha ha Mo...there was lots of loud, very fluent swearing...and Phoebe joined in...she's getting quite good at swearing, terrible mother I am (we've got the killer clowns up here and when I asked her earlier what she would do if she saw one her answer just came out as 'run like f**k' then she looked horrified and said sorry...lol).

I have to say, she is an absolute star in the face of a crisis...as I was on the phone to the insurance emergency department she got the mop and bucket out and loads of towels and instructed my mum what she needed to do...and if she hadn't known where the stopcock was, water would still be pouring out now!

I also got a man in...my dad is the only man I can now rely on (mind you, Nige would have been useless in this situation), he's found and fixed the leak...but has made a right ruddy mess in the process (which my mum cleaned up...tiff forgotten), whilst I finished building some flat packed shelving things I bought yesterday...just hoping the repair holds and we can get it all plasterboarded and skimmed at the weekend...more decorating!

So...during all the hoo-haa I've managed to shove two cinnamon swirls down my neck, a wagon wheel and several other chocolate biscuits.

Vx

[Guest]

Fantastic! xxx

[Proud Wife]

Why Fantastic Marmalade? I think it's pretty poor show. I'd have added a family size packet of crisps as well as a few fresh cream cakes and then a box of quality street, just for good measure. Oh and lets not forget the magnums that MUST be eaten in bed.

Loving Phoebe. Bless her for being such a superstar when her world has already been turned upside down.

Count yourself lucky btw, I had dirty toilet water coming through ceiling in lounge the same night. So I think it was Sandra who'd asked if I'd moved, well the answer is very clearly, I AM MOVING NOW! That is just one leak too many because my landlord won't employ proper tradesmen to fix the problem in the first place and then wonders why they keep occurring. Strange that, isn't it?!!

Have a good day all xx

[Veema]

I had assumed Marmalade's 'fantastic' was a reference to Phoebe's ability to swear like a trooper!

I am so pleased my flood was warm, clean water...although the stench from the damp plasterboard isn't pleasant.

Hoping for a drama free day today...I was supposed to be going on the trip with school, but just don't feel up to it...not really looking forward to going back next week either.

Vx

[Veema]

So...had a meltdown today.

Been to pick Nige up from the funeral directors this afternoon, having just had a row with a woman at school over my tea and coffee money that I haven't paid because I havent been in to drink any tea and coffee...told her I wasn't paying it blah blah blah...so I gave her a piece of my grief ridden mind...then picked Nige up and started crying in the funeral place and didn't stop until I had to go and pick Phoebe up, at which point I went and saw the headteacher and told her exactly what I thought about her business manager (in language Mo would appreciate).

I told Phoebe I'd been to pick him up, she came in the house, went and patted the tube and said 'hi Dad', then went and did her homework...god I wish I was 10.

They've put a memory box in with it with photos of the funeral flowers, a copy of the funeral music on CD (like I'm going to play that in my car!), a copy of the obituary and some other guff...it was just all a bit too much, but I suppose these meltdowns are going to happen as we move through this first year.

In other news, the flood has been sorted and my dad has replastered the ceiling and wall ready for painting, I have returned to work on a part time basis and life basically does go on.

Hope the rest of you are well and all patients are behaving themselves.

Vx

[Guest]

Hi V,

You are such a sweetie. Of course things are going to make you cry, sometimes for the loss, sometimes for Nige and his suffering and sometimes for yourself. It doesn't matter if it's prompted by PMT, stupid officious idiots or because there is an R in the month, doesn't matter, have a good cry if you want and don't feel bad if you don't want to. Bereavement messes with your head, at least it messes with mine, and catches me off guard.

A friend gave me a book recently which has helped me regain my perspective, it's called A Year of Marvellous Ways by Sarah Winman. Its quite hard to explain what it's about because it sounds ridiculous to say its about an old woman who lives in a creek in Cornwall who thinks her mother was a mermaid. She has "lost" (some died some just went away) several people close to her in her life time and how she lived with it, but told in a really original way making a great story. I don't have much concentration still but managed this, the first book I have been able to read this year. It has a bit of sex, a bit of mystery and bucket loads of hope. I think my friend (who owns a book shop) is very astute...

Much love always sister,

M xx

[Justamo]

Oh V, what a pig of a day. These important little people have such tiny minds, and you KNOW you shouldn't let them wind you up, but you just let it happen. At least, I do. Today I went with Peter to see the Mr Bogeyman (the surgeon) who sent Peter for blood tests. I trotted along behind, but the nurse doing the terribly skilled and important and dangerous job of actually drawing the blood put her hands up to prevent me coming in. Why ? Because it made her feel like a brain surgeon I suppose. I don't care how it made her feel, she was being bossy and I was being bossed.

You were right to stand up and argue about the tea money. But you weren't really arguing about that, were you ? It was just one of the things you thought you could control, at a time when everything else is spinning around you madly. And the bossy tea lady got the benefit. Good. Better her than Phoebe.

If there are one species of people on this earth who can deal with weeping, it's funeral directors. I think it might be a law or something. It's certainly in their job descriptions, viz: "Staff must not show any embarrassment if clients cry, and they should keep a sympathetic and dignified expression on their faces at all times". So you are actually helping the funeral directors keep their jobs by behaving this way. They will all get a few more brownie points for staying calm and concerned.

Cry all you like my love. Yes, I sometimes wish I had a ten-year old mind as well. Phoebe is a credit to you. Try and get Marmalade's book to see if it helps. I'll pray for you a bit too. Jangling a rosary makes me feel that I'm helping so if you start to feel warm and glowy at about 10.30 this evening, it's not your central heating playing up, it's me.

Love, Mo