Ascites

[Guest]

Hi V,

I think you will be ok registering the death. The registrars are very good with people like us and because they are organised and calm it's not too bad at all. I ordered 8 certificates and that seems to be enough. Everyone wants one and certified (by a solicitor) copies of the original will but all that can wait until you are ready.

I am glad you are managing and its a good sign that Phoebe is back with her classmates. You've done a great job there.

I know exactly what you mean about bed time, we miss them dreadfully don't we and no-one else will do.

Much love V, M xxx

[Proud Wife]

Just checking in to find out how you and Phoebe are V.

A few days after hubby died, I went and bought myself a teddy bear that now sits on his side of the bed. It says "It's at nighttime that I miss you the most". How true is that. And with cold dark nights to look forward to, I for one am afraid for winter.

Much love xx

[Veema]

I'm just fed up of people today. Fed up of having to pussy foot around other folk who think they have a right to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. I've been really accommodating of Nige's lads but today they have bugged me a bit. They have ridiculed the vicar, who in all honesty I'm not that keen on, but he was lovely and thoughtful and interested in everything I wanted to do for Nige...I wanted to pick out the clothes Nige will wear myself, but they had to be involved in that...and whilst they were rifling through his underwear drawer they came across his little jewellery box and had all the stuff out deciding what each of them were having...got me really cross, because actually, I'm not ready to let it go yet. Then the sister in law stated that she would come and stay on Saturday night...errrr...no...and she's peed off that my brother is an executor on the will and she's not. Then I told her I'd ordered the flowers and she asked how much she owed me...and when I said nothing because they were from me and the kids she was obviously miffed about that too.

Anyway, I'm having a day on my own tomorrow, waiting for the medical equipment to be collected and for Nige to be ready to go and see...oh...and the SIL wants to do that with me too...I just want to go on my own, so I am. Really I just want to spend some time with my mum too, who I've hardly seen since Friday because there's always been someone else there. I'll be glad when the funeral is over and I can just start getting on with my life.

I'm tired today and maybe a bit grumpy, so it's probably just a low tolerance threshold. I really hope Nige likes what we've done, I've put such a lot of thought into it, but I'm very aware that it's things that I like,but he never said what he wanted so it will have to do. I do know he'd kill me over the amount of money I've spent!

Hoping for a nicer day tomorrow.

Vx

[Guest]

Darling Veema, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do and you must tell everyone to back off. This is your home and your husband you are entitled to decide how you want things. It is not ok for other people to ferret through drawers etc. people can be thoughtless because they cannot feel what you feel. You are allowed to be grumpy. The SIL is probably trying to help but you are allowed to say you want time on your own or with your Mum and you should.

Nige chose you so whatever you choose will be fine, who else would know better than you? Self doubt is normal but you needn't worry, the vicar and the funeral directors will do a good job for you, it's what they do.

Hope you get a little rest and that the new day is a better one.

Much love, m xx

[PCUK Nurse Rachel C]

Dear Veema,

I am so sorry for not posting sooner, however, I just wanted to say that I am truely sorry to hear of your dear Nige’s recent passing. Please accept our deepest condolences from all the nurses on the support team and members of the wider charity.

Veema your strength and courage throughout Nige’s journey has been truly amazing and we are thinking of you and your family at this very difficult time.

With our heartfelt sympathy,

Rachel

Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse

Support and Information Team

Pancreatic Cancer UK

email: support@pancreaticcancer.org.uk

support line: 0808 801 0707

[Justamo]

Darling V, I've started dozens of messages to you but deleted them all before they went.

I just want to say that

(a) it's your day today and you can have any kind of day you damn well want.

(b) Nige didn't choose his sister, he just got landed with her. He chose you, so your wishes are paramount

© If his sons seem a bit flippant it's because they don't know how to do death yet. They'll learn.

(d) My sisters-in-law hated me : "Who does she thinks she is anyway - reading BOOKS", was one comment which I have treasured over the years.

It sounds to me as though you are doing everything right. I especially like the sound of your cars Silver Lady and I'm sure your flowers will be perfect.

I asked for no flowers at my father's funeral because my dad had a theory that the one who sent the biggest wreath had the biggest conscience. He was probably right.

Plod on V, go through all the rituals, take the phone off the hook for today, and grit your teeth. Once you've done all the tasks you can grieve quietly and alone.

Love and prayers and stuff

Mo xxxxxxxx

[Proud Wife]

I think our lovely Mo has summed up your last post very nicely with (b) above. Totally and utterly agree.

I so hope you are having a better day today V. Just to put your mind at rest, I too had to make those types of decisions. You can but do your best and trust your instincts as to what Nige would have wanted. I am sure you will give Nige the wonderful send off he so deserves and you will do him proud, whatever you decide. With or without any interference!

Love and kisses x

[Justamo]

Proud Wife has got it right V. Trust your instincts and do what YOU think is right.

Hope you're doing OK today, we are all thinking about you.

Love, Mo

[Veema]

I went to see him today...never done that before. They've done a reasonable job with him, but his nose and his mouth just aren't right. Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I expected.

I really don't know where the days go...I've done nothing, yet don't seem to have sat down all day.

Going into work tomorrow to copy the memorial booklets I've done for the funeral.

Feel really tired today too, I need to go to bed really.

Night

Vx

[Dandygal76]

Sorry to be so blunt Veena but the boys are young still, it sounds as though they don't have families of there own and to be honest with you they will be the most inconsiderate and selfish at times for a while yet given their age. From the age of 13 until settling down they just have moments that drive you crazy. They clearly didn't even think about your feelings which is better that them thinking about your feelings and doing it anyway.

I know they annoyed you and it would have annoyed me as well but hold onto the facts you know that they are good boys and Mo is right, they are just not experienced enough.

Everyone is trying desperately to grab a piece of what is happeneing, not to offend you but because it also their only link to Nige as well. You are most important in this process but everyone is trying to cope in the mess this has created and they are probably all doing the best they can given the circumstances.

I think you will find you will all {edited - moderator} each other at times for a while to come and the most important thing in the long run is that you all come out as friends the other side of this. That is the most important thing. Stay strong as a family and don't sweat the rest of it if you can do that. x

Edited September 29, 2016 by Dandygal76

[Dandygal76]

Hi V, I think that time does blur a bit around all of these stresses. I am glad it was okay going to see Nige and that you managed to get some sleep. I have ever been to see anyone who has passed before and it has always been through a fear that it would ruin my memories.

I hope you have got to spend some much needed time with your mum today and that things are still ticking along as best as they can.

L x

[sandraW]

Hi V, I hope you had a better night and got some much needed rest, I think at times like these we are running on Adrenalin, so its bound to catch up sometime.

I went to see Trevor, just felt I needed to, he didn't look right either perhaps its because their essence/spirit is no longer there, but its something we need to do.

I hope you got the memorial books printed, and that Phoebe is still doing okay, take care love sandrax xx

[Proud Wife]

I went to see hubby too. So pleased I did because although I was warned his face wasn't in great condition, I was so happy for the opportunity just to see "him" one last time in whatever condition he was in. Because I am still struggling to accept that he died and is not just away on business, I keep thinking back to him laying there in his yellow submarine and it helps, it really does if that makes sense?

Hope you are both as well as can be expected. Thinking of you xx

[Veema]

I've reached an angry phase. I am angry at everyone and everything.

Went to get something to wear for the funeral today...Nige was a traditional chap and would prefer people to be traditionally dressed in black. Managed to sort Phoebe out with some skinny black jeans, a black jacket and some boots, but nothing fit me. I was in M&S changing room in some tunic dress thing with silvery sleeves and popped out to show my mum...it wasn't really suitable, but I was reaching the end of my rope and some woman cheerfully stated how lovely that would be for the christmas party as long as I was covering my legs up with some leggings or tights...I just looked at her and asked if she thought it would be appropriate for my husbands bloody funeral which made her quickly shut up. Anyway, I came home with nothing, which means that I will have to go out again tomorrow...all the while towing Phoebe along who hates shopping and usually stays with her dad!

Phoebe has made a powerpoint slideshow of photographs to display at the funeral, she's made such a good job of it, searching through the many thousands of photos on my computer...it made me cry watching it...I miss him so much.

I spoke to the lady who lives across the road yesterday, her husband died about 10 years ago, he was 49, so she must have been about the same age as me when he died, maybe a little older, but she says she's never got over it and it hasn't got any easier...she still misses him terribly.

I'm dreading Monday. Really dreading it. But at least it will be over and hopefully everyone will then leave me alone to get on with stuff.

Sorry...feeling really miserable tonight.

Vx

[Dandygal76]

Don't apologise lovely lady, you have every right to feel miserable. Just because the lady across the road never found her feet again does not mean it has to be the same for you and Phoebe. You will find your own path and you will give your beautiful daughter a life of happiness and laughter, even if you cannot see your way there right now. I am sure you are dreading Monday but it will just happen, no choice in that I am afraid... but I know this, you will be surrounded by love and we will all be here thinking of you and willing you on.

Much Love.

xxx

[Justamo]

Of course you're angry. Angry is normal. You can even get angry with all of us if you like, and none of us will get mad back. We'll all understand. Not in a patronising, "Of course, she's only just lost her husband - you have to make allowances, don't you ?" way. But we'll understand the white hot incandescent rage that you feel after battling alongside Nige for so long. There's a guilty phase as well. That's a tough one.

Do you have a Matalan near you ? Or a Next ? They have black 'uniform' type suits and jackets and dresses which might be suitable. I had to buy a black suit quite recently for my sister-in-law's funeral and I thought my 'good' suit hanging in the wardrobe would do, but it almost fell off me, so a new one was indicated. Next came up trumps, although their sizes are a bit funny. The jacket is a 12 and the trousers are an 8. Weird.

I expect you'll go through the phase of HATING happy looking couples in supermarkets doing the weekend shopping. There's also the thing about wanting to stop couples from arguing because they might not have each other much longer.

Personally, I approve of black at funerals although there is a certain movement against it, and I see death notices in the local paper specifically asking people to wear bright colours. I don't think I HAVE any bright colours. Everything is black or navy.

And V, be warned, it will be a little while before you can 'be on your own and get on with it'. You will be bothered for a day or two, so be prepared.

We'll be thinking of you on Monday. 10.30 wasn't it ?

God bless, try to sleep a bit,

Love Mo

PS : I would like it clearly understood that at my funeral I want everybody to wear black and cry a lot.

[Guest]

V I know exactly how you feel, it was a nightmare trying to find something reasonable to wear for Louis' funeral, backless, frontless, sleeveless affairs with diamanté everywhere. I ended up with three all of which were flawed in some way. Ended up sewing black lace on the ends of some very short sleeves to hide the chicken wings.

Take some comfort from the posts on here, most of us managed to get through the day and the funeral people do everything they can to make things go smoothly. Arrange a bolt hole for yourself afterwards in case you need a bit of time out. A room that only you can access or a nearby friends house just in case. If you plan an escape route you won't need it.

Be as angry as you like, people can be crass. You will be ok, we are going to be raw for some time, and angry and tearful and lonely but we will learn to cope. In time we will get stronger and be able to enjoy life but our love for them and theirs for us will never go. We have it to keep and carry with us on a new journey. All in good time my lovely.

Rest easy V, xxxxxx

[Proud Wife]

Be prepared for a total roller coaster of emotions V and never, ever apologise for how you are feeling. My goodness, you've got every right. I will be thinking of you on Monday - you and Phoebe will get through the day, even if you don't think so right now. Adrenaline kicks in, although don't be surprised if the day is a blur.

Look after yourselves my lovely.xxx

[Veema]

I now have one pair of reasonably comfortable black trousers and 3 tops to choose from tomorrow. I had set my mind on a floaty tunic affair from Debenhams, but my mum thought thigh high suede boots would be inappropriate and I can't wear pretty shoes as I need orthotics...so trousers it is.

My brother is looking for a new house and today asked if I'd be selling up now it's just me and Phoebe because my house would suit them down to the ground! I really hope he was joking, but he got THE LOOK anyway.

I've managed to do all the chores that Nige would normally do over the weekend, so feel very accomplished! I've even dusted! I hate housework.

Mo, you made me laugh about your funeral...I could cry at anyone's funeral, so rest assured, if we are still conversing at that point, I will weep for you lovely.

[Justamo]

We'll be thinking of you tomorrow V. Keep strong and you'll get through it OK.

Love, Mo

[WifeampMum]

Thinking of you this morning V, and sending you strength and love.

W&M xx

[Dandygal76]

Thinking of you Veema. Much love to you all. X

[jay]

Thinking of you all this morning

love Jayne

xx

[Veema]

I am dead inside...everyone around me was crying and I hardly shed a tear...what the heck is wrong with me???

It was a lovely day and I think he would have been pleased. The sun shone brightly and we laughed lots. We don't live too far from the church and the Funeral Director walked in front of the hearse all the way to the church...the vicar (who I'm not keen on) was great, there were loads of people there and I just filled up a little in the crem when Queen's 'Your my best friend' came on. He really was my best friend and I loved him soooooo much. I now have flowers all over the house as I've brought home the coffin topper (it was just far too nice to give away) and everyone commented on how lovely Phoebe's powerpoint photo montage was.

So...that's that done. Now to get on with getting on.

Vx

[Justamo]

Been watching in case you posted, but didn't think you would - thought you'd be too tired. Sounds like you did really well V, and Phoebe is a star.

There's nothing wrong with you my love, there are no rules for grief. Laughing is not a million miles away from crying and I'm glad you got through the day more or less OK.

And don't bother about getting on until you're good and ready.

Peter and I were at hospital in the eye clinic when your service started and I took ten minutes out to send you a few prayers. And I'm sure a lot of other people did the same.

Much love

Mo