Finding it so hard to recall better times

[boa]

Linda, I'm sorry you are not too good just now. I try to find things to focus on to take my mind off thinking back. As you say it might be worth contacting the hospice. I can understand what you mean about not writing Stewart's story as you feel it is negative. Just wait and see if the time is right. Catherine

[Linda G]

Hi Leila, I know he wouldn't want me to be like this and I promised him I would be ok, but it's so hard! He was funny, we had the same sense of humour and I miss that. He could be grumpy when he wanted to be. We never argued, just agreed to disagree but he would go in the huff for a while. He was very happy, he loved his life and had so many interests and things he wanted to do, and places we wanted to go together. He would be upset to see me like this, he would cuddle me in and tell me everything will be alright. He was a very private man and I don't know what he would feel about me sharing like this. I'm glad you got something from the counselling sessions, I hope I do too. I think maybe the counsellor might be able to help me. I know what you mean, I feel as if I want to talk about everything we went through but I feel as if I am being a burden to my friends and family, and they have heard it all before. They all say not so, and try to help and support me and I am very grateful for that but I know it upsets them to see me like this and then I feel guilty. It just seems like a never ending circle of negative emotions! I think anger can sometimes be a good thing as long as it doesn't consume you. I have those feelings about a couple of people and that is why I went to see the matron at the hospital. Thanks Leila.

Take care.

Linda

xxx

[Proud Wife]

Again Linda we were posting at the same time.

Take if from me, Stewart will be fine you sharing whatever information you feel able to because we all in the same boat albeit at different stages. Do not feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about!

I am so pleased you are going to try counselling, I hope it will help you xx

[Linda G]

Hi Catherine, thanks for your support. I do try to focus on other things and sometimes it works but mostly just for a short while. I went for a walk in the park this morning in the rain and all I could remember was the last time we walked there together and he watched the autumn sun shining through the trees and the tears streamed down his face. It's these thoughts that make me so sad, remembering how sad and frightened he was just breaks my heart over and over again. Hopefully the counsellor may be able to suggest some coping strategies. Can't do any harm can it.

Take care

Linda G

XXXX

[Linda G]

Hi PW, thanks for your kind words. I hope it will help too. I hope your hubby is feeling a bit better. And I know when he is feeling a bit better you will feel a bit better too.

xxxx

[boa]

Hi Linda, I've no experience of counselling either having it or giving it but I have heard good reports from people. You've hit the nail on the head when you talk about coping strategies because I think that's what we need in these circumstances. I agree that focussing often only works for a short time. What I have tried to do, and it doesn't always work!, is to replace the sad thoughts with a happier one. So yesterday when I was at an event overlooking where my husband used to sail with his friends I thought how sad it was that he couldn't sail any more. Then I thought about the joy it had brought him in the later years of his life and for a while I felt calm, peaceful and, indeed, happy. But it takes effort doesn't it? Catherine

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Lovely, positive thoughts Catherine.

Thanks for sharing these.

Jeni.

[Guest]

Linda,

Your Stewart sounds so much like my Dad. In fact I was walking home from work this evening and the sun was shinning, and I thought about your Stewart with tears down his face. I sobbed the rest of the way home. That is something my Dad would have done. He was so very very frightened to die also. He would cry each time I left as he would say " I don't know how many cuddles we have left ". Everyone really, must be so very frightened being diagnosed with this, I cannot possibly imagine. Although it rips my heart out now, I am thankful my Dad could share his feeling with me. I am sure so many loved ones try and protect, but my Dad asked me if he could tell me how he felt, and he really did. It was devastating.

Linda, be honoured that Stewart felt so comfortable to share his fears with you, he loved you that much. I know it is hard and nothing more than heartbreaking to remember but he loves you, not loved, loves.

Leila xx

[Linda G]

Thanks Catherine and Leila, thank you both for your kind words and support.

Take care

xxx

Linda G

[Guest]

Hi Linda,

I am taking a very long break from here. I didn't want to leave without asking how you are, and wishing you some happy memories to come through soon.

I know this is incredibly easy to say, but Stewart would want you to think about the good times. Don't forget the bad, or even stop thinking of the bad times, it is part of you, but I hope you can smile at least once a day. Think about the love you had for each other. That is what I am trying to do. I can't get passed the illness, but I know my Dad loved me and I know how much I love him. I am going to think of the love.

If you ever want to write Stewart's story, it will never be too late too, and you will always get the support and love here, that you need and deserve.

Leila xx

Every life counts, every person counts here. We are all one, one way or another.

[Dandygal76]

Leila, we will miss you and your experience and wisdom. But, sometimes I do understand you need to step away and figure out a new way of living. PC takes over our lives and losing your dad has been so hard for you so if you need a long break then go for it lovely. I do hope you will pop in and see us in the future when you are ready though.

xxx

[Dandygal76]

How are you doing Linda? I hope you are coping and please do lean on us whenever you need to. x

[Proud Wife]

Ditto. Know what you are going through. How we all wish we didn't.

You have been an AMAZING support to me, am here for you too whenever you need xxx

[Linda G]

Thanks Leila, for your support. Good luck in everything you do.

Linda G

XXXX

[Linda G]

Dear All, I just want to let you all know I am withdrawing from the forum. I want to thank everyone for their help and support over my time on here, especially PW, Leila, Catherine, Didge, Marmalade, Dandygal and the nurses. I have followed everyones story's and it breaks my heart every time. I am attending some counselling sessions and hope they will help me to come to terms with things. PC is a long, difficult, traumatic, sad journey as everyone here is well aware and I think I need to try and find my new "normal", whatever that may be. I wish everyone well on their journey, weather still fighting, or grieving for their loved one. I will continue to support PCUK and I will think of you all with hope, sadness and gratitude. Take care everyone. Goosbye.

Linda G

XXXX

[Guest]

Love to you Linda, it can take a long time so don't push to hard, it will come and you will get through this cloud. Sometimes it takes as much courage to go on as it does to face the disease and by the time our loved ones pass we are exhausted physically and mentally, that alone takes time to recover from.

I wish you peace, good health and good cheer for your life Linda M xx

[Dandygal76]

Hi Linda. I think it is the right choice to leave this journey, and thus the forum, when the time comes for each of us. Our loved ones would not want this to be a defining element of our lives and future. It has already taken so much from each of us. I hope you move forwards and do create a beautiful and enriched new way of living. It will happen for you and leaving the forum is just the start of things to come. I wish you all the best. x

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Dear Linda,

On behalf of everyone on the nursing team at Pancreatic cancer UK, I would like to thank you so much for your valuable contributions to the forum, and wish you the very best with your counselling ahead.

Take care,

Jeni.

Pancreatic cancer Specialist Nurse,

Support Team.

[Proud Wife]

Hi Linda

I am really sorry to see you go but totally and utterly understand why. I would like to know how you are doing in the coming months so if you would like contact outside this public forum please feel free to ask moderators to pass on contact details. But, it may well be as part of the healing process, if that's what it's called, you feel a complete break away from the misery of others affected by PC is what you need, then as long as you promise to take good care of yourself and come back if you ever, ever need further support in the future, then I wish you all the very best from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so much for the unbelievable support that you gave me when you were (are) in such pain and turmoil yourself. That tells me you are a very special lady indeed.

From one recently bereaved wife to another . Say no more .

Take care xxx