Finding it so hard to recall better times

[Sueoliver]

Hi Linda,

I don't write on here so often now but I have read your post! I lost my Mum in January after a long 19 month fight against this disease. I supported her throughout the journey I am an only child and we were very close. I also recall the awful times at the moment and I think it is because the illness was so intense and so awful. The last 4 weeks were in the hospice and I can't get further than that. I carry on with my routines and chores and I go to work! On the outside I suppose I appear normal! I have had a session of counselling with the hospice and that helps. You can talk about anything and they don't judge you. I have heard that Cruse are very good have you contacted them?

If you can meet friends for coffee friends who know you that is good. I have some supportive friends who don't mind me talking about my Mum.

This isn't easy and it will take a long time to remember the good times but I am sure we will eventually. There is a poem called grief that sums it up well I will try and find it and copy it on here for you.

This forum is brilliant as well as people do understand how you feel.

Keep posting and look after yourself.

Love Sue x

[Linda G]

Hello PW, I am going through the motions of living day to day but I struggle to do more than that. I find I want to be on my own mostly. I know that's probably not healthy but I feel stressed and anxious if there is more than one person present. I will find a way eventually I suppose. I think about you and your hubby often and my heart goes out to you both. How are you both doing at the minute? It's a stupid question really because we all know what a massive nightmare the the whole thing is!

xxxx

[Linda G]

Hello Sue, nice of you to post. Goodness, 19 months is a long time! I hope you managed some better times during that journey. Being an only child must have made it so much harder (if that's possible). Stewart and I spent 24/7 together before he was ill, we didn't really need or want anyone else in our little world. I agree with you that the bad memories are hard to get past because they are so horrendous. Stewart was in the the hospice too for the last three weeks. For the last 12 days he was in a morphine induced coma (for want of a better description). He went in for symptom control but it was really difficult and he never got home again until the night before his funeral. I question myself all the time - could I have done more, sought other opinions/treatment in the beginning, should I have brought him home anyway as it was where he wanted to be? I stayed with him all the time he was in the hospice and I wonder if he even knew I was there during the last 12 days. I have a number for the hospice counsellor so I may get in touch. Sometimes I think this is the only place where people understand exactly how I feel and it does help to get it out. Thank you for your kind words. I will watch out for the poem. Take care.

Linda

xxx

[Sueoliver]

The poem is grief by Gwen Flowers and it starts I had my own idea of grief....

I couldn't copy and paste it so hopefully you can google it. It certainly resonates with me! The chaplain read it for me at Mum's funeral as I felt it explained how I felt!

Sending you a hug.

Love Sue x

[Dandygal76]

Hey Linda, keep going sweetie. You will find yourself again. x

[boa]

Hi Linda, I think it's very easy to question whether we could have done things differently or better and run them through our minds. But we all did our best I'm sure. These feelings will get less and less and we will remember the good times which lasted for longer. As Dandygirl says we will find ourselves again. Catherine

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi all,

Here is the poem - thanks Sue for sharing about this.

"I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I'm learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather,

There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element of yourself-

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self."

Jeni,

Pancreatic cancer Nurse Specialist, Support team.

[Proud Wife]

Thank you so much for posting that Jeni, amazingly true words.

The only way I coped with the loss of my parents was to read and re-read the following poem. If it's okay with everyone, I am going to copy and paste both of these and start a new thread to help anyone or for additional poems to be posted.

Here goes:-

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,

I am the swift, uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I did not die.

I am the song that will never end.

I am the love of family and friend.

I am the child who has come to rest

In the arms of the Father

who knows him best.

When you see the sunset fair,

I am the scented evening air.

I am the joy of a task well done.

I am the glow of the setting sun.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I did not die.

[Proud Wife]

Just started a new thread so that the poems can be easily found in future. I am a little concerned that the words "I did not die" in the version of the poem that I found may upset someone - if that is the case, just let me know and I will delete immediately xx

[sandraW]

Hi PW,

Those words don't upset me, I totally agree with the sentiments of the poem

Trevor is still here with me, in the silliest of tasks I do, I think what would he have said when I dropped the porridge oats and they went all over, he would have thought it was hilarious, and pulled my leg. They do die in the respect that the bodily person is no longer here but they live on in our hearts forever. I know with Trevor it is only nearly a year, but my Dad died over 50 years ago now, and I still feel him there with me and I can still hear him talk to me and still see his smile. sandrax xx

[boa]

I think any verse, poem, quote or whatever that helps people move forward is great. I have heard the one that you wrote PW but not Jeni's. They are very different. Jeni's is more about the grieving process which is interesting.

Catherine

[Linda G]

Hi All, I have heard PW's poem before but not Jenni's. It certainly makes one think about the grieving process. I had a terrible evening yesterday and cried for about five hours non stop. It was so hard to pull myself together. But when I went to sleep I seen Stewart in a dream. I don't recall what the dream was about but I could see my Stewart standing watching me from a distance. I would like to think that means he is somewhere watching out for me. Didn't cry at all today- until now. Has anyone else had an experience of any kind that made them feel like their loved one was nearby in some way? I wrote my own poem for Stewart's condolence book, I may add it to the new thread sometime.

Linda

xxxx

[Didge]

Yes, when my first husband died I got to a point when I demanded in a rage that I wanted him back. That night I had the strangest dream which was not like a dream at all. It lasted all night and we just walked together hand in hand by the sea. Which leads me to another bit of advice (sorry!). Spring is here and if you can, get out for a short walk now and again - and take him with you! Rather than tell yourself he is not around, tell yourself that he is! Talk to him (silently if in company!) and you will hear his responses that you know so well. I don't think it really matters whether you believe in an after life or not - at this stage is does no harm to give it the benefit of the doubt! I have never understood why people say 'I have to keep telling myself that he/she is no longer here'. My answer to that has always been 'why'? I hope you can find some comfort in feeling that he is near to you.

Didge x

[Linda G]

Thanks Didge, did your dream bring you some comfort? I do talk to him all the time. In my head (when necessary) and out loud at home. I always talked to myself anyway so its nothing new. I don't really feel that he is no longer here! not sure if that's because it hasn't quite sunk in yet or if I will always feel that way. Thanks for the advice about "taking him with me" when I go out. I always say "bye darling, just going to ........., wont't be long", he used to say "take as long as you like darling, I'll still be here when you get back" When I come back I always say "Hi darling, I'm back". From now on I'm taking him with me!. It might make it easier to go out and stay out longer, as sometimes I just want to get home quick to be where he was/is. Thanks for that.

xxxx

[Sueoliver]

Hi Linda I'm glad Jeni managed to post the poem! It certainly resonates with me!

I would love to see my Mum in a dream but I haven't. Someone said to me it is because you want to so it won't happen! We went to the crematorium today and her ashes were buried with her memorial. It was very surreal! Didn't really seem real!

Take care,

Love Sue x

[Linda G]

Hi Sue, Yes, I liked the poem too. It makes more sense that the grief is absorbed and accepted and endured, not something you can complete and move on. I was very surprised to see Stewart in my dream. I had heard/read that it takes a long time to dream about a lost loved one and its only 7 weeks for Stew. It will happen when you least expect it. I have Stewart's ashes at home with me. Today I filled 3 keepsake urns for me and my 2 adult stepchildren. That was also a bit surreal! I intend to scatter the rest in special places that he loved like his football team's stadium, parks, cycle tracks and our beach. I will be waiting for some better weather before I do that though - weather like today makes me want to stay home and hide under the duvet. Take care Sue.

xxxx

[Proud Wife]

How are you Linda?

I love the sound of what you have done with Stewart's ashes (that was really brave of you I think, if brave it the right word?).

Take care

xxx

[Guest]

Hi Linda,

I think that is lovely what you have you done with the ashes. I have put some of Dad's in a bracelet, and also had some made into a Pandora clear charm, and I have that engraved, but wear it on a necklace mainly.

Leila xx

[Linda G]

Hi PW, Still struggling with my emotions but a little better than before I think. It was ok filling the little keepsake urns, I felt like I was doing something special for Stewart and his son and daughter. I have my little urn on my bedside table with a photograph. It brings me comfort. I just found out from Stewart's friend that the football stadium do a little ceremony every now and again and ashes are actually buried on the pitch- I like this idea and I know Stew would too. The stadium will let me know when the next ceremony is. His friends are also having his name inscribed on a brick in the wall of the stadium - he would like that too. He was a season ticket holder from a young boy and loved his team. Not sure if Im allowed to say which team on here?

How is your hubby doing at the minute and how are you coping? I think about you both often.

xxxxxx

[Linda G]

Hi Leila, it also sounds lovely what you have a had done with your Dad's. It's a comfort to have something near you isn't it? I will be thinking of you on Thursday.

Take care love and stay strong. You are extremely helpful to lots of people using the site and we need your strength.

xxxx

Linda

[Proud Wife]

Hi Linda

That's really positive!! Of course you are going to be struggling with your emotions but brilliant news that you feel a little better. I think you just have to do whatever that gives you comfort.

I would love to know which football club Stewart supported and where his ashes can be buried. How lovely of the stadium, I'm going to hazard a guess and say Man Utd? I see no reason why you can't say on here which team, as it doesn't confirm where you live - my son and hubby are crazy about football and have been watching all televised matches this weekend. Never heard of the brick in the wall either but can think of no better way for a footie fan to be remembered.

We are both okay-ish at the moment thank you. My GP has told me how to up my anti depressants if I need to which should help the tears. I suppose what we are going through currently must bring a lot of not so good memories back to you?

Just about to go and make him a roll which will be his first solid food today. xxx

[Guest]

Hi Linda,

How really lovely of his friends to do that, he must have been well loved by a lot of people.

It is very comforting, i adore the charm, I have had it made in white, and you can see the ashes inside it. Feel paranoid to wear it, especially if I am walking somewhere.

I got it made from Chris Parry Jewellery. He makes anything. If you have an idea of something, he can make it to how you want. He has made some very special jewellery containing ashes.

Leila xx

[Guest]

If you are interested.

http://www.chris-parry.co.uk/web2/?page_id=16393

Leila xx

[Didge]

Sorry for late reply Linda. Yes, the dream did bring a lot of comfort and although I have had dreams about him many times since, I never had one like that again. But I did feel that he answered my call and when thing became intolerable he was there. And yes, I too would like to know which football club!

Didge xx

[Linda G]

Thanks Leila, I would be terrified in case I lost it. I will have a look at the website though. I have an appointment with the hospital matron on Tuesday to discuss some issues surrounding Stewart's care when he was in there before I had him transferred to the hospice. I will not rest until I have told her what was wrong, it plays on my mind all the time. I might feel better if I get it off my chest. You are so right to encourage people to push and push for urgent appointments and care. You are right when you say patients are just a number to admin staff. Many times I phoned the consultant and the sp nurses myself to push things through and it is so stressful. Take care.

xxxxx

Linda G