The loss of Mum!

[Sueoliver]

Hi everyone I always knew it would be hard to lose such a strong brave wonderful woman but gosh it is hard? I just wondered if anyone else re lived what they went through. I can't stop thinking about the awful things Mum had to go through and the horror of it all! When she was alive I dealt with it and supported her all the way but now I feel like I am having nightmares! There have been nights when I haven't slept at all!

She was so brave and strong but all I can think about is the horror of it all!

I know it will get easier and these thoughts will fade but at the moment it is awful!

Did any one else feel like this?

Love to everyone,

Sue xxx

[Guest]

Sue,

I could have written your post. Literally not one minute of any day do I not think of my Dad. And it is the last week of his life, on constant replay. Going to the hospital for results, hearing chemo hasn't work and Dad having broken bones, Dad saying he doesn't care about broken bones and wants to live so he wants chemo. Watching the nurse help him to a room. The horrible nurse telling him she was a palliative nurse and watching Dad have a stroke. Seeing Dad look at me wirh his big beautiful brown eyes, as he can't speak or move any longer. Watching him sleep. Heating the secretions start. Moving in with him. Being scared every time I go to the toilet, in case I come back and he has gone.

Then while I am reliving all this, I will get flashes in my head of past things he has said. The one at the moment is, " I don't know how many cuddles e have left ".

Sue, it is has been such a very short period of time for you. Are people trying to encourage you to ' pull yourself together '?

What you are feeling is so completely normal. You haven't just lost your Mum. She didn't just pass away in her sleep one day. She watched her being diagnosed with a terminal illness. You watched her so very bravely want to live. Seen her so desperately want to live. Watched her suffer. Watched her pass away. It isn't just the physical side that is hurting you, it os the emotional side. The things you remember seeing and hearing your Mum say. The times she had had enough, the times she wanted to live. While we, take it all in and be so very strong, it takes it's toll on our heart and minds.

My Dad has nearly been gone a year, and I don't find it any easier, or the replaying any lesser. I just find it very cruel what has happened and it breaks my heart to think of the fear my Dad was in. It breaks my heart to thinking what he must have been thinking.

I hope you have supportive family members? Remember, people that haven't lost someone to cancer, haven't a clue what it feels like to grieve this way. I know this first hand now. I had someone that was supposedly a close family member tell me I should be over this by now, and moving on. When she would call me, she would talk about herself, like I cared! I just wanted to talk about Dad.

You need to do what is best for you. If you want to talk about your Mum all day, do it. If you can't, don't. You are the one that is grieving, you are the one that has seen and felt everything.

Always here.

Leila xx

Edited March 4, 2016 by Anonymous

[Proud Wife]

Hello Sue

The loss of a parent is exceptionally hard and the feelings you are experiencing are perfectly normal. It is very, very early days for you and I think it's only natural that you are for want of a better description reliving your mums ordeal through her eyes, which is part of the grieving process. Personally, I don't think there is any harm in it, bottling it up will only make it worse in the long term.

I lost my dad far too young to stomach cancer and my mum at the same age, due to injuries she sustained in a car accident. I have more recently started to think about the pain she must have been in from her injuries and the fear/shock of what happened to her but I try not to dwell on it if I can.

I was a busy working mum at that time and my coping mechanism was just to blank out the thoughts at the time and I don't think I ever grieved properly or came to terms with the death of both my parents. I suppose because life had to go on and the anguish so bad, if I blanked it out and didn't think about the suffering, it wouldn't hurt quite as much.

This is not something I'd recommend for you because it will come back to bite you on the bottom as it has me in later life, especially as hubby is now battling PC at exactly the same age as I lost mum and dad so of course, it brings back memories of what my mum had to go through when she nursed dad through his illness and until you have to go through it yourself, I don't think anyone can appreciate how hard it is to watch a loved one suffer.

My advice to you, for what it's worth would be to go for bereavement counselling. I wish I had at the time because if I allow myself to think about what happened I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I'm sure now, 15 years on had I have had counselling, these thoughts might have diminished.

I hope this helps?

Take care xxx

P.S, since submitting this post, I see that Leila has also posted and yes, I absolutely agree with what Leila's said. You feel this way because you loved your mum so very much and I agree, if you can or when you are up to it, talk about your feelings as much as you can, either to family or friends or to a counsellor - whoever you feel more confident about but talking and expressing your feelings and thoughts is very important for the long term xxx

[sandraW]

Hi Sue,

Is so sad and cruel that you had to watch your lovely Mum go through what she had to suffer. I was so incredibly lucky when I lost Trevor that he died so quickly, that seems such a strange thing to say.

Of course its perfectly natural to feel the way you do, and its all down to personal feelings which way you handle it, but I am sure you mum would not want you to dwell on it, try to find a lovely memory of her smiling and being happy and try to hang onto that, remember her like that, and try to stop the awful memories crowding in.

Whether or not you decide on counselling, I hope the horrible memories start to fade for you, sending a cyber (((hug))) love sandrax xx

[PCUK Nurse Rachel C]

Dear Sue,

I just want to echo what your fellow forum friends are saying…what you are feeling is normal, not that it makes it one ounce easier!

Grief is a normal response after someone dies, especially when that someone has been very special to you and you have cared for them all the way. As you know, everyone feels grief in their own way and at times, it can even feel very overwhelming.

Sue, it’s also quite normal to have physical symptoms, like being unable to sleep and having nightmares, as a result of experiencing the loss of a loved one. Please do not be afraid to phone through to the support service (0808 801 0707), or chat to your GP if you are worried.

Please do not feel that you are on your own, and please continue to use the support of your forum friends (when you are ready). Sue, I hope you don’t mind but I’ll drop you a quick direct email.

Sending our best wishes,

Rachel

Pancreatic Cancer UK Specialist Nurse.

Support and Information Team

[J_T]

Two and half years on, I still think about it all. Plus the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. Not everyday obviously but I don't think something like this leaves you very easily, if ever.

Much love.

Julia x

[Linda G]

Hi Sue, I so know how you feel right now and my hear breaks for anyone in our position. My lovely husband died on 21st Feb and was cremated yesterday. He spent the last 3 weeks of his life in a wonderful hospice and his last ten days he was in a coma. At the moment all I can recall is the horror of the last eight months! I find it hard to remember a time when he was well and I so need some of those memories right now! I totally understand how you feel. When you live every day of this nightmare supporting your loved one it becomes the only thing in your entire world. I have followed this forum since his diagnosis last June but this is the first time I have felt able to join in. I don't know how long this state lasts but I would imagine it's different for everyone. I just hope we can stay strong until the bad memories fade and the good ones are able to shine through. I hope you have friends and family around to support you. I feel as if all I want to talk about is what happened in the past eight months, not the sixteen happy years before that. Perhaps its normal? People give lots of well meaning advice but at the end of the day only you know how it feels. I feel as if I should be saying "look after yourself" and "try and sleep" and things like that but I think we just have to do whatever and however we feel is best for ourselves at this time. When I am able I will write our entire story, in the meantime - I know how you feel!

Linda

[Guest]

Hope you don't mind me replying to Linda on your thread Sue.

Hi Linda.,

I wanted to say I am so sorry you have lost your husband. I hope during his illness, you were able to get some support and help, from reading these posts? I think however we feel, is normal. I know personally, I want to talk about Dad constantly, and it is the illness and his last week that I talk about the most, and can do 24/7. As perhaps that is why it is only that going through my mind.

I don't want to take up too much of this thread, I just wanted to welcome you so you didn't feel alone. Grief is a lonely place, but we all know how you feel here.

Leila xx

[sandraW]

Hi Linda, so sorry to hear of your loss, I lost my husband 45 weeks ago, after being together 49 years, I have lost my other half, and I understand exactly how you feel. Welcome to the forum, we all need support from each other at these terrible times. love sandrax x

[Sueoliver]

Thank you everyone this is the only place where people truly understand! No one unless they have been through it understands! My own husband said to me last night, "you have to move on" ! How cruel is that! I thought he understood but obviously not!

I know we will all be ok and the good memories will come back!

Linda I am sorry to hear of your loss this forum is wonderful and supportive so when you feel ready please join it will help. Thankyou for replying on mine I understand how you feel.

Leila I will e mail you soon.

I feel so sad today to hear of Steve's passing as well!

Rachel thankyou for your e mail I don't mind at all I am truly grateful for the support.

Love to everyone,

Sue xxx

[Guest]

Hi Sue,

You're right, no one understands but here. No one at all.

I don't really want to say anything about your husband, but it is incredibly soon for him to say that, even my mother waited 5 months before telling me to get over it. I think though, when it is a husband, maybe he is being a typical man and just wants his wife back to normal? Maybe ask him to try and support you, tell him you were the only one and had to take it all on yourself, tell you love your Mum so much, you can't just move on. I know these are obvious things, but maybe he needs them spelling out?

Leila xx

[sandraW]

Sue,

That is exactly what Trevor would have said to me, I can hear him saying it to me all the time "I am gone now and nothings going to change that so you just have to get on with life without me".

I am sure your husband means well and just wants you to start feeling better, he will feel helpless, unable to make you feel better, try not to judge him too harshly.Sending you a (((hug))) love sandrax xx

[Proud Wife]

Oh Sue, I'm sure your husband didn't mean any harm by that comment but he probably didn't think about the context in which you would quite understandably take it and I can fully appreciate why it must have hurt so much at a time when you need lots of TLC. Keep coming on here and posting if it helps and just take one day at a time; it's all you can really do at this very early stage.

Linda, so sorry for your loss. When you feel up to it, please start a new thread so that we can all support you as best as we possibly can

Love to you both xx

[Linda G]

Not sure if I am using the site properly so forgive me if this is not correct. I'm sure I will get the hang of it and be able to reply/talk with individual members, but for now.....

Hello Leila and Sandra, thank you so much for for your kind words. You are right, grief is a very lonely place. I have lots of wonderful family and friends but at the moment I don't want to see or talk to any of them. I just feel so lonely for my husband. They are all being helpful and supportive but I just want to be by myself, in our home and surrounded by our things. We were married only five and a half years (together 16). It was my first (and only) marriage at the age of 55 yrs. I feel so cheated. My husband was fit and healthy until last May. He used to do 40 mile cycle rides, walk everywhere, didn't smoke and ate quite healthy. Its just so unfair. Just being able to post here helps because I know everyone has had or is having the same nightmare as me.

Leila, it sounds as if you felt, for your dad, as I did for my husband. I was tortured by what was going through his mind, watching the sadness and the fear in his eyes. I feel like I will never forget the helplessness and hopelessness of it all, knowing how much he wanted to live.

Sandra, how do you feel now after 45 weeks? after being with him for 49yrs? I cannot

imagine the next 45 minutes without my husband! Every day seems like a month and the nights are so long.

Thanks for listening. Next time I will try and respond individually

Linda G

[sheena]

Hi Linda so sorry for your loss x

[Proud Wife]

Hi Sue

How are you doing? It's still such early day for you xx

[Sueoliver]

Hi PW,

Thankyou for thinking of me. I miss her terribly and still struggle to think of the happy times! I still keep going over everything she went through! I miss seeing her and our chats. To be honest I'm ok on the outside and I get on with my chores, work etc but inside and when I am on my own the sadness is overwhelming! I know it takes time and I know she would want us to get on and enjoy ourselves. She never ever spoke about her illness and death and I struggle with that! I watched her deteriorate but she never mentioned it!

It will get easier I know! I have to go to the crematorium on Tuesday and have her ashes buried with her memorial! Just doesn't seem right!

I hope you are ok and I am thinking of everyone going through this nightmare.

Love Sue xxx

[Proud Wife]

Of course you do Sue, as I said before, it's still such early days for you. Try not to be too tough on yourself. You have to ask yourself, if your Mum had of talked about her illness and the subject of death, would it have helped? There is no right answer, it could go either way. You would then have had the pain and memories of what your mum said.

I struggle to remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday but a couple of things stick in my mind. One was the night the surgeon called us after operating on my dad to say that they'd opened him up, the cancer was too far spread and they couldn't do anything more for him. I immediately asked him not to tell my dad, that was my first reaction because you want to spare your loved one's the pain of something that cannot be changed. Of course he couldn't do that but the point I just try to make is and my hubby is exactly the same, talking about cancer (which is becoming a forbidden word in our house) doesn't change things or the outcome and from a patient's point of view,it only reinforces what is inevitable, so why talk about it?

Hope this helps a litte?

Take care and let us know how Tuesday goes, if you feel up to it xxx

Thinking of you tomorrow xxx

[Sueoliver]

Well it has been 3 months since Mum died and in the last few weeks I have felt so unsettled! I literally want to change everything! I want to move house, I would like a puppy and most of all I want to remember the happy times! Sometimes I would even like a new husband!!

I went to Cyprus for a week and that was ok but as soon as the plane touched down at Gatwick I felt sad again!

My youngest daughter moved out at the weekend as well! I feel a bit lost!

I just wanted to write it down as I know you all understand.

Love to everyone,

Sue xxx

[Linda G]

Hi Sue, I know exactly how you feel. Its nine weeks and one day since my husband died and I understand the unsettled feeling perfectly. Its as if you need to change things to be able to accept what has happened. I find it really hard to do the simple things Stewart and I used to do together because it hurts! Simple things like cooking the meals we both enjoyed - can't do that anymore as it makes me cry, listening to our favourite music - makes me cry so I listen to other stuff. Watching things on TV that we used to watch together- makes me so sad. I hate how life has to change without them. I miss our conversations and companionable silences. I live alone now and always feel lost. And like you I want to remember the happy times. I think the nature of PC makes the bad memories so bad its hard to get past them. I hope you were able to relax a bit on holiday. It does help to write things down doesn't it. Thinking of you. Take care.

Linda G XX