Feeling totally lost

[shelda]

With a heavy heart we had to say our final goodbye to my brave, beautiful and amazing mum. She fought this cancer with such dignity and bravery right until her final breath at 11.45 last night. I feel no regrets as to how we spent her final hours, myself, my dad and brother holding her, listening to all her favourite music and reminiscing about the great memories we have and will hold very dear. As her breathing got slower we told her as much as we loved her and wanted her with us she'd fought so hard and it was time she went to her dad. We can't thank the hospice enough for their compassion and care. It doesn't feel real at the moment I haven't actually cried properly I'm consoling others and feel a little numb if I'm honest. Thank you so much for your kind messages my lovely cyber friends xxx

[alimc77]

I'm so very sorry Shelda. Thoughts with you and your family tonight x

[Guest]

So incredibly sorry Shelda. Your Mum was very brave and you loved her so much.

Thinking of you and your family in these hard times ahead.

Leila xx

[sandraW]

Shelda, sorry to hear you have lost your lovely mum tonight, how beautiful that you were all there with her, she would have felt so safe and loved. How you are feeling is perfectly natural, its all just like a dream that you hope you can wake up from, sending love and strength to you all sandrax xx

[boa]

What a beautiful picture of your mum and the family. I'm so sorry that you have had to say the final goodbye but it's wonderful to have so much love together. Catherine

[jay]

I am so sorry Shelda.

Thinking of you all.

love Jayne

xxx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Dear Shelda,

So very sorry to hear your sad news. I know that you were anticipating this, but as everyone finds out, its still heartbreaking when it happens, no matter how you had expected it.

Its so nice to read your account of you all being there with your mum - it sounds so peaceful and such a precious time.

I would like to extend our sincere condolences to you and your family on this sad occasion. You have been a great support to others on here, and I am sure that you will find support going forward from your "cyber" friends.

Kind regards,

Jeni.

Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse,

Support Team.

[Proud Wife]

Oh Shel, I am so very very sorry to hear your sad news but relieved at the same time that you had no regrets. That is my biggest fear. The news probably hasn't sunk in yet and you are probably on auto pilot at present.

All that I can say is I am here for you if you want a cyber buddy, you only have to ask the moderator to pass on your contact details. If there is any way I can help you, then I'd love to as you've been such a help and support to me.

Take care of yourself and my sincere condolences to you and your family.

Thinking of you during this difficult time. xxx

[Linda G]

Ah Shelda, I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Its such a difficult time. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Linda G

[Dandygal76]

My deepest sympathies to you and your family, please take care of yourselves during this saddest of times. x

[sheena]

So sorry my lovely another beautiful family destroyed by this awful disease think it of you today and always.xx

[Sueoliver]

I am so sorry Shelda your Mum sounded a lot like mine although younger. I know how you are feeling right now and I am thinking of you and sending you strength and love. Xxx

[Didge]

Shelda, heartfelt sympathy for your loss. Thinking of you as you cross the divide in this club. We are all here for you when you need us. Didge x

[Proud Wife]

Thinking of you Shel.

Like the "cross the divide" description Didge. xx

[shelda]

Thank you for your kind wishes, we buried mum on weds and I thought it may have taken me out of this limbo but I'm still in this weird daze, it just doesn't feel real, I've barely cried yet, even though I'm absolutely heartbroken!!! My dad and I came up with mums eulogy whilst sat with her when she returned home the night before her funeral. Her service was absolutely beautiful and my brave dad managed to keep it together reading the tribute, there was hardly a dry eye, and the church was absolutely packed, we couldn't believe all the people having to stand up at the back of church, mum would have been very humbled. I've been to visit the grave today, it's a lovely spot surrounded by fields, she always loved the little lambs in spring so we hope this makes her happy. I miss her so much already, it's 2 weeks since she spoke her last words and the last time she was awake. I'm still staying up at my dads I feel I can't leave him as much for me as him, I kind of feel I'm in this protected bubble whilst I'm with him I know I need to go home as my hubby keeps asking when I'll go back but I feel sick thinking about going back to normality!!

Proud wife how do we message privately I don't know how to add you hun??

[sandraW]

Hi Shelda,

As PW is not around at the moment, I thought I would reply to you, you need to email the nurses for Monday, and ask that they pass your email address on to PW, she can then contact you directly.

Glad your Mum's final resting place is so beautiful, and that the funeral all went well. As for getting back to normality, it will be a totally new normality for you without your lovely mum, but you can be sure she will never leave you, and will be with you always, take care love sandrax xx

[Proud Wife]

Thanks for advising Shel, Sandra. Would love contact, it sounds like the shock hasn't really hit you yet and I'd like to be there for you when it does.

I think you have to follow your heart and stay with your Dad whilst if feels right, is your hubby okay with that? Your mum must have been a very special, much loved lady indeed to pack the church out. I hope that gives you and your family a little comfort.

Much love xx

Thinking of you xx

[shelda]

Hello hope everyone is okay. The last few weeks still feel like a sad film I've watched, I've cried a couple of quick tears in unexpected places like HSBC and Morrison's but I'm managing to plug it all somehow as I'm really afraid of starting and not being able to stop. I have been referred to occupational health through my work as I've just not been able to go in, my job demands alot and the way I feel I'm too distracted and feel unable to do it, I feel like I'm maybe being too self indulgent by being off but I just can't face anyone not in my little circle at the moment. I've just cried reading Curly Little Miss posts about her beloved mum as I couldn't believe how our experience in final days were pretty much identical!!! Love to everyone xxx

[Linda G]

Hi Shelda, I am thinking of you in the lost place you are at the moment. I know from experience that everything you do has the ability to bring tears. Simple things like the supermarket shop, the sunshine and the rain, a favourite program on tv. Anything really. You try to keep it in when there are others around but its so difficult. I try to wait until I am home alone (which is most of the time) then just let it out. You are perfectly allowed to be self indulgent in your grief. Its thirteen weeks now for my husband and there are still tears every day, sometimes a few and sometimes a lot. And lots of things I can't do. I still only see a few people, like you I cannot face anyone else. Take your time and do whatever feels right for you. Take care.

Linda G

xxxx

[sandraW]

Hi Shelda, A good cry will not hurt you, you don't have to be brave you have lost your lovely mum and its devastating for you, you are certainly not being self indulgent. It's still early days and it takes time to work through grief and what's right for one is not right for the other. Its good that your work are being supportive too. just take care of yourself it might take time but it will get easier, sandrax xx

[Guest]

Dear Shelda,

There is no time limit on grief. You don't wake up one day and feel fine, it's a process of adjustment that can take a very long time. Everyone says it get easier and it does but it's very early days yet. Don't worry about crying in the supermarket or anywhere else, grief doesn't have to be hidden and there is hardly a soul out there who has not felt the same or who will not feel the same at some point. Let the tears come, you are not crazy, just very very sad. When the tears are done, which may take a while I hope you will find comfort in the memories of when you were all well and and full of vitality and life was good. It won't always be like this and the fog will clear it just takes a while and it won't be hurried so be gentle with yourself. M x

[boa]

Marmalade, that is a very comforting post for us all. Thank you. Catherine

[Proud Wife]

Have emailed you xx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Beautiful post Marmalade, thank you.

Jeni,

Support Team.

[shelda]

Thought I'd pop back on, still feeling lost, more than ever. It was mum's birthday on Thurs then a month since she died on Friday. I still feel dazed, angry and alone as my dad, aunt and others are experiencing the same it's sometimes hard to talk about what's happening inside you incase it upsets them. A few tears have been shed but I still keep swallowing them down afraid to let go. I keep questioning whether I did everything possible, wondering why this had to happen (which we all do I expect) I'm feeling so close to complete meltdown it scares me, do I just go with it or clench my jaw and keep it in...I really wish I could go somewhere isolated and scream. I miss mum so much everyday, how can you still feel somebody but not be able to see them or touch them, I almost feel like a child who doesn't know better by questioning it all the time, I lie awake for hours replying different things that have happened over the last 11 months, and even find myself drifting off during the day into the videos of it all in my head. I have to go and see a therapist tomorrow for my job for them to assess me, wouldn't mind but none of my managers have even been in touch to send condolences about mum, not even a lousy card, but get HR to put me through speaking to some stranger as you can probably tell I'm pretty angry about it!!!!

Anyway rant over, love to all my fellow PC warriors xxx