Message for Gill

[Nardobd]

Hi Gill

I hope the question doesn't upset you but I just wondered whether you'd like to share with us how you and the rest of the family coped with the anniversary in August. Of course, I'm sure you all found it very difficult and if it's too soon to speak about it that's fine. As much as anything it was just a shout to let you know we're here if you need to talk.

Love

Nicki xx

[gillvb1]

Hi Nardobd, how very lovely of you to think of me. To be honest, the worst thing about this website is that since my Dad died, I have felt so very alone. Whilst people followed my Dad's progress and kept me going with their inspirational messages, since his death there has been so little correspondence and I have felt very lonely.

My Dad had Chemotherapy for 6 months, 3 weeks in succession with one week off. The day after his very last session he suddenly took ill (you'll all know that he had been fighting fit until this time). My Dad had contracted sepsis and was put in an induced coma for 8 days. My Dad then spent a further 6 weeks in hospital - much to our disbelief he never improved and died on 28 June 2009.

Throughout my Dad's illness I was trapped in a nightmare and the stress and pressure of that wasn't apparent until now - I realise that everyone affected by PC probably feel the same. The anniversary came and went without too much thought but after about 6 weeks since my Dad's death, it's really hitting home. I am fine at work and with friends but when my partner and daughter are in bed I have a cry and can't believe that my Dad has gone. He was the most decent, honest and generous person I have ever met but my birthrday is looming, Christmas is coming and every other occassion that occurs will be nothing without him. My Dad had this child like love of all things celebratory and without him nothing seems worth it although I will make sure that my daughter has a fab time no matter what. Even when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer he strung Christmas lights across the ceiling of the hall (defyinging gravity), set up 2 full size christmas trees and spent 3 days putting up decorations. I'm ok and not depressed but everything seems a struggle now. My Mum is existing and not living now, she has never looked so drained. I expect my Dad to be sitting in the garden or to walk through the door or to phone me but he's not here any more and it's so unfair and hard to comprehend. One thing I will say, my Dad never complained - never. xx How are you and Ted doing? If I can give any advice it would be that if Ted feels even slightly unwell he gets immedicate medical attention. My Dad didn't and I believe that was what cost him his life.ht xxx

[Nardobd]

Hi Gill and thanks for your reply.

I think the lack of correspondence is simply due to people trying to respect your feelings - they don't know whether you would be upset if they enquired. If you ever need to vent or simply reminisce about your Dad, do post a message and I'm sure that all of your friends on here on the forum will be pleased to hear from you and respond.

Please, please don't feel that you have to sit and cry alone. If I remember correctly, your partner isn't too good at discussing feelings but you need to share your pain. If you don't feel you can do that with family or friends, there are organisations such as Cruse and, although your Dad has gone, Macmillan can still offer you help. There's something very cathartic about talking to a stranger.

Instead of dragging yourself through occassions which your Dad would have enjoyed, why not emulate his approach - it is something by which you can remember him. Naturally, you'll feel his absence but wouldn't it be good to look at the Christmas decorations, for example, and think "Yes, Dad would be proud of this!"?

I'm sorry to hear that your Mum is struggling so much. She is lucky to have you to help her.

Ted's doing pretty well. There's the odd niggle or two but overall he's ok. I'm keeping a close eye on him. At the moment we are just making the most of some real quality time, since neither of us are working. It's something I'm very grateful for and I'm just hoping that he stays well for as long as possible.

Take care and look after yourself. Don't forget to let us know how you're getting on from time to time.

Nicki xx

[gillvb1]

Hi Nicki - you've got me crying already!! Thank you for your support.

I think that the struggle is that in leaving a message on this post is the fear of bringing people down who are affected by PC. We have all been driven by hope and optimism so when things go wrong you feel that you're bringing a negative edge to those who still have hope - it's a lottery. You're right that my partner doesn't talk much (not at all really) he's very uncomfortable about all this and I keep it all in until my daughter and he go to bed then I have a cry and feel how unfair it all is.

You're right about celebrating occassions but I also feel it would be so sad without my Dad. He was a stickler for occassions and would open a bottle of bubbly for any occasion. I am 42 years old and for the past 40 years I have celebrated bonfire night for the sake of my Dad, always begrudging each year and every mishap as the fireworks misfired! BUT.... my Dad had a childlike draw towards bonfire night, he dressed up in the most scary costumes at Halloween and as I said before, his Christmas lights defied gravity!! It's all so upsetting now because he should be here with us and for the next 10-15 years for that matter.

It's lovely of you to take time out of your nightmare to share mine - it's such a terrible thing isn't it? But we have to put our best foot forward and make the most of today. All the best to you and Ted - it sounds as though you have time to enjoy eachother and that's the main thing.

Gill xx

[Nardobd]

Bless you Gill - it's so lovely of you to think of others when you're in so much pain.

The forum is here for everyone affected by PC, including those who have lost loved ones to this terrible disease. It's how we support each other, rejoycing in the good and commiserating when the news is not so good. All of us know the statistics and, whilst some of us still have hope, it has to be tinged with realism. Having said that, Ted enjoys making models and I've just bought him a load, telling him he's not allowed to even think about popping his clogs until he's finished all of them - that should keep him going until he's 90!!

It's by reading about the experiences of others - positive or negative - that we feel less alone because we can identify with the feelings and difficulties that members of this "community family" have. So, whilst you are concerned about bringing negativity to those who still have hope, by not posting you're running the risk of someone who has lost their parent/sibling/spouse feeling that they are struggling alone and that no one else feels the way they do. More importantly, you're denying yourself support and comfort from people who really do understand what you're going through.

So, please keep posting and asking for support when you need it. One day, you'll be able to return the favour and help another member of the community, bringing them comfort and understanding.

Kind regards

Nicki xx

[gillvb1]

Hi Nicki,

Thank you for the reassurance and for being upbeat. It's funny to think of Ted surrounded by all those models!

Lets face it, no one knows how one person will do against the next - you're post was very welcome at a time when I wish everything could be back to normal. My Mum isn't doing very well and to cap it all my brother telephoned me tonight suggesting that we put her in a home - aaaaahhhhhh!!!! Life will never be the same but I must not lose sight of what my Dad meant to everyone who knew him. My Mum might be a bit dodgy on her legs but she is in her house where my Dad is all around her so I will resist any suggestion to move her - she would be very hurt if she knew what my brother was thinking. Having said that, I am sure that he only has my Mum's best interest at heart. Gill xx

[Nardobd]

You're very welcome Gill. I don't know whether it will help as regards your Mum but most grief counsellors advise against making any major lifestyle changes within the first year after losing a close relative. The rationale is that people generally react without properly considering all the ramifications due to their loss. I'm sure your brother is thinking of your Mum's best interests too but it's a huge decision and I'd hate to think of your Mum being unhappy.

Kind regards

Nicki xx

[Ellie]

Dear Gill

I am so sorry you felt lost and alone recently. I have often thought of you and the only reason I didn't post anything on here to you was because I thought you probably didn't use the site anymore. I tried to post this message last week, but my pc crashed twice and then I've been away, so this is my first chance to write (if my damn pc works this time!).

As Nicki has said, we are always here to listen and help, if we can. We went through the battle and heartache with you as your dad fought PC, so we understand what you've been through. It must help to get your feelings out now, as much as it did when your dad was going through his treatment, and I used to enjoy reading your posts. It gave me strength to see how well your dad coped with everything and I was so upset when things went wrong so suddenly.

It's a rollercoaster for us all but what keeps me contributing is thinking that someone who is new to this may get some useful info or help from reading what someone else is going through.

I'm sure it is perfectly natural to sit and cry at night when you go over what happened to your dear dad and to be missing him and probably feeling cheated and bitter that he won't ever be around to share those special times with you again. Isn't that what grieving is about? I'm sure you have to get these things out of your system and, in time, hopefully they will hurt a little less. Let's hope time is the healer it's supposed to be.....

Thinking of you

Love

Ellie

xx

[pauline]

hi gill

i know how you feel we have just had mum's birthday which was very hard for her as it's the frist 1 without dad. it is dads birthday on the 9th then christmas then new years eve would have been their wedding anniversary

we have asked mum here for xmas but has already said no we can't go there because there is just so many of us but the thought of her waking up aloan on xmas morning is breaking our heart

how the hell are we going to get through this.

this year has been the worst year of my life i can't pull myself out of the black hole.all i want is to see my dad again i miss him so much

sorry i didn't mean to put a downer on things

take care

pauline XXX

[Nardobd]

Hi Pauline and I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time at the moment. All of the momentous occasions during the first year are especially hard, I know, but by leaning on each other and sharing your thoughts, tears and laughter you'll get through it.

If your Mum doesn't change her mind about staying with you at Christmas, are any of the grandchildren old enough to sleep over with her (without ruining Christmas for them)? Of course your Mum might not want that either - I can imagine that she's dreading having to get up and be bright and cheerful for the family, especially the grandchildren who may not understand.

Please make sure you keep talking to people about your feelings. Your friends on this forum will be happy to listen if it will help.

Love

Nicki xx

[gillvb1]

Hi Nicki, Pauline and Ellie

It's great to hear from some familiar people. I think that the only way of reconnecting with my Dad's/my situation is to keep checking the posts on this site - after all, we can all relate to each other to some degree. 3 months on since my Dad died and it's still so surreal. You'll remember how fit and well he was until he was suddenly struck down. I never really thought of my Dad's place in the family until he left us but I now see that he was the lynch pin that kept us all together - he'd be amazed to know that I thought that!! Well, when he died, I arranged the funeral and all that went with it. I also suggested to the family that we could commission a bench with an inscription for him at the local country park where he used to take us as children and where he used to take my daughter. It was really lovely because after ordering the bench and plaque we found a note from my Dad saying that he would like a memorial bench in exactly the location we had chosen. What wasn't so good was that he had said that he had left a message for us in his bedside drawer - but there was no message - I guess time ran out for him.

I am a realistic kind of person but this is so unfair and I don't think I can ever get over that. Pauline, I understand your anger over your Dad's last hours - my Dad's last few weeks and hours were less than acceptable too and we have to live with the memory of that. I saw something on the BBC News website about a woman who also lost her Dad to cancer and she was saying don't remember their illness but focus on the positive, funny things that happened in their life. I'm trying to do that and can see that it is a good coping strategy but my thoughts sometimes drift into the black times we went through in the last 7 weeks of my Dad's life.

Pauline, I like you am dreading Christmas and the New Year (and beyond). Your Dad left us about a month before mine. I don't know how Christmas will be but I've got a good excuse in a 6 year old daughter. I've booked my Mum, daughter and me tickets for a panto on Boxing Day just to give us an excuse to get out and have some normality.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to post your messages - it raeally has helped. Gill xxx

[Nardobd]

Hi Gill

The idea for a memorial bench is just lovely! How wonderful to then discover that your Dad had the same idea - it just goes to show that you were very close.

Don't forget to let us know how you're doing from time to time.

Love

Nicki xx