A wonderful woman my mother has died.

[millyjo]

My dearest most beloved mother passed away on the 3rd July 2009, having been diagnosed with inoperable, metatastic PC on the 15th April 2009.

The shock of being told the diagnosis, put mum into what I can only say was mental shock. From the moment of the diagnosis she stopped living.

The 75 yr old who looked 55, was trendier than me, fun loving, active, physically fit , beautiful, intelligent women became someone I didn't know.

My brothers and I gave up jobs, and our time to be with her during her darkest days.

Despite knowing the prognosis, she insisted on having chemotherapy, which as her billirubin was high, her liver disfuntional was maddness really. But we supported her in that wish, it gave her something to keep going for.

Another wish was that she was cared for at home, and not left to vegetate in a hospital or hospice. This as a family we ensured did not happen, despite her having to have blood transfusion and IV treatment, we arranged for it to be carried out at home, by a team of intermediate community nurses. They came day and night, and were so very supportive and understanding.

Her deterioration was rapid and devastating for us to witness, her voice changed and she stopped talking as she once did...animated and witty.

A woman who thought nothing of walking 15 miles, was now unable to walk to her commode unaided. Her beautiful feet swollen and painful. .they were beautiful ,as many had told her. Even though they were puffed up like melons, I washed them and painted her nails as she liked.

When there was no other option than for her to go into hospital, we spent 24hrs with her, much to the amazement of the nursing staff. Nothing was too much for her, she was wonderful.

Even up to the end as with any relatives of an terminally ill person, we were waiting for that miracle, so when we witnessed her last breath it was unbelievable. The only consolation was that we were all with her and she was at home. and as we had to wait 5 hours for a doctor to register death, this gave us time to say our goodbyes.

The horror, which is the only thing I can call my mum's last few months, I fear I will never forget. My dreams are filled with the nightmare. But fortunately she was never aware of how I and my brothers were feeling, we always smiled and tried to jolly her along, kissed, cuddled her and told her that we loved her, all the time,

She was Welsh and loved to sing, and once in an Operatic Society. To honour this we arranged for a Welsh Male Voice Choir to sing at her funeral, which she would have loved. We left the crematorium curtain open so we could see her, and she could she us. .so many people commented on the idea being wonderful. So I, we, hope that after the months of suffering she went through, her farewell was pleasurable for her.

Sorry this seems to sound a little self pitying, but it is as many of you must feel or have felt, and somehow it feels theraputic to be writing it down.

Condolances to others who have gone through this.

millyjo x

[Nardobd]

Hi Millyjo and what a moving and fantastic testiment to your mother. She sounds like a beautiful person and I'm sure that you all meant as much to her as she did to you.

What you write doesn't sound like self-pity to me - more an outpouring of grief for your mum and what she had to go through. I can't promise that you'll forget the horror, but I can say that it gets less painful with time - I had to watch both my mother's and grandmother's deterioration due to cancer before their passings. We all have to cope in whatever way we can and there's no 'right' or 'wrong' so feel free to vent here if you wish.

My sincere condolences and sympathy to you and your family.

Love

Nicki xx

[millyjo]

I have been reading through all the other posts, and Nicky you are an inspiration to others.

Thank you for the kind words and support for me and my family. they are very much appreciated, but may I take this opportunity to offer my support to you.

Much love

millyjo x

[Nardobd]

Thank you Millyjo. I try to help where I can and researching issues for others helps me to be informed too. I feel very lucky right now *touch wood* because I have had an opportunity to spend some fantastic quality time with my husband since his diagnosis and before he becomes very unwell. I'm only too aware that I'll be the one needing support soon and your kind offer is greatly appreciated.

Love

Nicki xx

[millyjo]

Hi Nicki,

I hope you will make the most of your time with your dear husband, but do I need to say that really....silly fool arn't I

Not having a good day at all today, feel demotivated and cannot stop myself from crying. I have been through mum's clothes, smelling them caressing them. The whole house is so full of her.

I don't know whether I said but my partner and I lived with mum, so it is difficult to have any respite from the terrible memories of her illness.

It has only been 5 weeks since she passed.....god where does the time go?, but my partner has sugggested that I redecorate, or alter some things in the house to help me, but just going through her toiletries in the bathroom reduced me to tears.

Have even taken to spending the odd night on her bed.....am I going mad, am I ever going to get over this?

Tears are rolling down my face whilst I write this, my partner is at work and I don't feel able to talk to anyone else about my feelings.

My one brother has gone abroad for two weeks, the other does his own thing without little thought for my well being...feeling sorry for myself maybe?

Sorry to burden you with this as you are going through your own tough time.

Take care

My thoughts are with you

love millyjo xx

[Nardobd]

Hi Millyjo and I'm sorry you're having a tough day. It happens to all of us and don't ever apologise - the only thing it shows is that you love your Mum dearly. It's natural that you want to feel closer to your Mum and no, you're not going mad!

Personally, I couldn't redecorate or make any big changes so soon, although I can see why your partner might think it would help. Conventional wisdom is that you shouldn't make any really big decisions for about a year after the passing but grief is such an intensely personal thing, you need to judge for yourself when you're ready.

Talking about time, you need to cut yourself a little slack! Time will make it less painful and you'll be able to remember your Mum in a happy and comforting way but five weeks is a very short time in the context of the grief process and everything will be so raw right now.

You're not 'burdening me' with anything and I'm happy to help if I can. As I said, I'll be the one needing support when Ted becomes very unwell and that will come all too soon (whenever it comes, it will be too soon!). Stay strong and ask for whatever help you need - whether that's here on the board, your doctor, Cruse (the bereavement charity) or Macmillan (who help anyone affected by cancer).

Love

Nicki xx

PS: Pauline has added her support on the 'Families and Carers' board and invited you to PM (private message) her. Unfortunately the forum doesn't have that facility but if you'd like to email Sue (sue@pancreaticcancer.org.uk) she will be able to provide you with Pauline's email address. I'd also be happy for Sue to give you my email address, if you wish, so that you can contact me direct.

[millyjo]

Hi all,

What can I say, othe than thank you so much for all your kind words and support, despite you all having your own pain. You are all selfless and wonderful people.

They say time is a healer, but at the moment it is passing so quickly, but my pain feels worse.

As you say Lisa each of us have our own triggers for our tears and saddness, as yours the thought of not being able to telephone her, and mine is to shop with her, to laugh with her over a glass of wine, to cuddle her, even to argue with her and make up, to spend days with my nephews her grandsons, the holidays to Tuscany, the Lakes, the morning shout of hello from our bedrooms. . .the list is endless isn't.

Unfortunately mum passed away just before my nephews 12th birthday, which he in his innocence asked me 'do you think grandma had remembered my birthday?'. . I told him 'there was no doubt she'd remebered as she loved him so very much. On his birthday I bought him a present from grandma, but had to explain that she'd forgotten his card. He cried and said 'that her passing should have been on national news', and my other nephew asked me 'when would he ever feel happy again?'

I'm whittering on again, apologies.

If you ever need to talk just give me a shout, as I don't want this all to be me me me.

Although have to say being able to post on here really does have some theraputic quality.

PC is one of life's tradgedies.

Love and condolances to all you beautiful people.

millyjoxx