Mother in Law very distressed - don't know what to say

[JacquiToots]

My mother in law is in the final stages of Pancreatic Cancer. She was admitted to a hospice last week as she was too weak and ill to be in her own home. She is very sleepy and has lost so much weight she is not much more than bones and flesh. She has Ascites and is very sleepy most of the time and eats and drinks very little

She is a lovely lady and it is breaking my heart that she appears to have completely given up. She is showing very little interest in anything when we visit her, doesn't want to get out of bed, watch tele or even talk. Due to family and work circumstances we are unable to care for her in her home and were relived to find her a hospice place. When she first entered the hospice they said it would be for 2 weeks to get her symptoms improved but she has declined so much in a week there is no way she could be at home again. The distressing thing is she is fixated on when she is going home, she is constantly asking when are they going to let her out, when will she go home etc. These thoughts seem to be consuming all her thinking time. She still has all her mental faculties and this is all she wants to talk about and gets very upset.

Has anyone any advice on what to say to her ? Should we tell her she won't be leaving, should we be honest? She has never wanted to know how long she had left and it if we tell her she won't be coming home it will be very final but it may make her more peaceful. Has anyone any advice or had similar experiences ? Thanks Jacqui

[sandraW]

Oh Jacqui,

I really don't know what to say to help you, but I couldn't not to reply to you, it must

be so hard for you, email the specialist nurses in the morning they should be able to give you some advice. take care sandrax

[EmmaR]

Dear Jacqui

So sorry to hear how your MIL is she does seem near the end of her time but please do not give up hope just reassure her that if it's possible you will get her home and please do as Sandra says and get it touch with the brilliant nurses on this forum ,and just be there for her and her son (your hubby ) .

Emma x

[JacquiToots]

Thanks for your kind words. My mother in law has deteriorated very rapidly and I have had some great advice from the nurses. She is sleeping a lot now. We are being as honest as we can with her, I just wish we could help her more, I hope she will be at peace soon x

[J_T]

I hope your mother in law can be made comfortable.

Take care.

Julia x

[Didge]

Is it not possible for her to be at home for these last few days with hospice nurses in attendance? It's possible she's hanging on for this! I am thinking of you whichever way you go with x

[Cathy]

Hi Jacqui

I can only advise you from my own experience. My partner went to a hospice, poorly, in January. The plan, as far as we were concerned was he would go there for a few days then come home.

He deteriorated very quickly and became confused. However he always believed he was coming out again. I knew he wouldn't (after talking to the doctors there). Our relationship had always been honest and it broke my heart at the time that I didn't feel i could tell him the truth. He truly didn't realise how ill he was. After he died, his palliative care nurse, and many others (including his son), have said how wonderful it was that he hadn't, that he thought he was coming home. In retrospect I believe that they were right and he died not having to have dealt with that knowledge.

I'm not sure if this is helpful at all?

I'm thinking of you. It's a terribly difficult time for you all.

Cathy xxxx