2 years without mum and how I have dealt losing her

[louiepc]

Hi everyone, to old friends and new

Two years have now passed since my mum was taken from us. A lot has happened in what seems like a very short space of time. Good things and bad things, a friend of mine lost her daughter to PC last summer, she was only 37, life is so very very cruel. I have tried to help my friend through her grief as much as I can, but it is very difficult, you don't ever expect to lose your child, it's just wrong! I have been there to talk to her, and I understand why she is so incredibly angry, who wouldn't be?

As some of you know from a post last year, I started a child care course, I felt the time was right to start doing something productive, and it seems to have paid off. I have been volunteering in pre-school and school, and just before Christmas I was offered a position in the school, I am in absolute shock, especially as I didn't actually apply for the position. This last week I have started working as a TA on an as and when basis, it's very scary and sometimes I miss my rock or blanket to go and crawl back under, keeping my head below the parapet, I think even though I am the first person to doubt myself, I need to carry on, I know I can do this, and it will help me. I don't want to go back to sitting at home, and thinking, too much thinking is not good for you.

A few months ago, I bumped into the hospice nurse who looked after mum, I went up to her and thanked her for her support, I was in tears by the end of our chat, but it was something that had to be done.

I probably am rambling a bit - good at that! I wanted to let everyone know, those who have recently lost a loved one, those that are going through seeing someone that they love suffering with this horrendous disease, that as bleak and dark as that terrible period of my life was, I have learnt to live again, I have learnt to look at little things and feel happy. I miss my mum enormously, nothing will ever take that away, but I can think about her and smile or laugh, or even think oooh she annoyed me by doing that. The bleakness does eventually start to ebb, it does stay on the peripheral and comes back on occasions, a rollercoaster of emotions, but the ups and downs get more distant and prolonged. You don't get over losing someone you love, you learn to accept that they are no longer here, you start to see your life and those around you come back into focus.

Much love to everyone on this site, I hope my post doesn't upset anyone, I just wanted to give you my thoughts.

Louie xx

[marie souter]

HI Louie,

Thankyou for taking the time to write this. I lost my mom nov 8th last year and I'm begining to feel like there is no way I will ever come out of this grief, it's all I can do to get myself out of bed, I drag myself downstairs (eventually) where I just sit and nothing can distract me from my pain. I see people who are dealing so much better than me and you begin to wonder why you're not grieving the same, why can they go to work and I don't wanna face the world? I have become a source of support for my brother and sister and they ring me when they have trouble coping and they wonder why I don;t turn to them for support myself, I am just becoming very insular, I don't know if I just stay upstairs as I don't wanna impose my grief on my husband and daughter (shes 23)...I don't know .. to me shes just gone shopping and hasn't come back yet .. I just want to wake up not feeling so hopeless so stunted with grief ... and I wake up everyday feeling like that and its just getting worse and worse ... its gd to see there is light at the end of the tunnel and I know in myself (after losing my dad 4 years ago) that you learn to cope ... but this pain seems so much worse than when I lost my dad, it's hitting me so much harder ... I want to start to live again but right now it just doesn't feel possible...

[laura]

hi louie, how lovely to hear from you and see your name pop up, we both always seemed to be posting ref one thing or another, good on you about the job your mam will be so happy for you, and so am i, bri is still doing well, 4 years nx month since diagnosis.xx

you take care louie and good luck for the future, love laura xxx

dear marie, so sorry to read how you are feeling, everyone feels and deals with the loss of someone, so its fine how you are feeling, the downside is that it is so draining for you. would you consider going to talk to your doctor? maybe they could suggest something that would help you deal with things, no shame in it you know? i am still taking citalopram which was given to me when bri was first diagnosed, i did try cutting it down, didnt cope as well as i do when taking it, then last year losing a son didnt help. i certainly would reccomend that you perhaps go and see someone, you could of course ring one of the nurses here, am sure they would help you, thinking of you marie , big hug, and love lauraxx

[Bee]

hi Louie,

Thankyou, what a lovely post.

It's five weeks since I lost Chris. Right now the pain and sadness is unbearable, even though I half expect him to walk in the door. He was only 43 and my mind goes round in circles why, why and why? As a mum it is just so hard to watch my kids go through this and know that nothing I can do or say will make it better. I know this is a process we have to go through in order to come out of the other side but it is always reassuring to know that there is a way through.

Thanks again and well done on the new job !

Bee xx

[louiepc]

Hi Marie

You are very much still in the early days of grief, where everything is so raw, and the darkness is all encompassing. People do deal differently with grief, and there is no right or wrong way, it is individual.

I don't know your story, I will take the time to read your blog, but for me, at the time of my mum dying, I had so much else going on too. My dad had major heart surgery 5 days after, we had to wait nearly 7 weeks for mum's funeral. I have 3 young children too, which I honestly think was thing that made me get out of bed in the morning.

I would take them to school, but when I got home, would sit and cry for most of the day. Grief is such a strange emotion, I have lost grandparents, in-laws, but I had such a close bond with mum, I would talk to her every day, and that is what I missed and still do. When I got this job, I "forgot" and thought "ooh I'll call mum, she will be so pleased for me"...

Going back, I remember being absolutely tired, but not wanting to go to bed, until I was so tired that I would fall straight to sleep as I didn't want to think, even now I have a dread of the phone going in the early hours. The anger I felt was crazy, I am normally a placid, calm, happy go lucky person, I like a laugh, and have a lot of friends, but it was as if a black cloud came over me and would just not move. I was drained, of everything, I ran on autopilot, the children were washed, dressed, fed, taken to school, etc etc, meals were made for my husband, I refused to eat.

The point at which things came to a head, was when my eldest child's grief got so bad and he was being violent to his sister, he had a strong bond with his Nanny, I got him to see a child play therapist at the hospice and it started to help him, whilst I was there they suggested that I may like to see one of their counsellors, I was unsure, I have never seen one before, never been on anti depressants - they scare me, but I did see someone, and it was the best thing that I did.

I saw my counsellor once a week for almost 8 months, he made me understand that to be angry is a good emotion, it's how I use the emotion to benefit me, use it proactively.

Marie, you will know when the time is right for you, I think possibly now, but only you can make that decision, if you feel that you don't want to talk to your immediate family, maybe speaking to a stranger may help.

Take care, and I hope that I have helped, in some small way.

Love Louie xxx

Laura, I am so chuffed that Bri is still going strong, goodness me it's fantastic news. The sun's beautiful warm rays breaking through the darkness, and long may his good health continue. You take care too Laura, I know you have gone through a very emotional time, with your son and your friend as well. It was lovely to hear from you too. Louie xxx

[louiepc]

Bee, I am sorry for your loss of your husband, such a young age!

Your children must be quite young too, mine are 9, 7 and 5, my youngest doesn't really remember her Nanny, although we talk about her often and have photos etc. Does your children's school do bereavement counselling?

Mine did, and my eldest two went to it, and then my eldest child went to a play therapist at the hospice, it was very good for him, as it made him realise that it is fine to be angry, but not to hurt himself or others (he was really hurting his sister at the time). Two years on, he has changed, he's a quiet boy who does get teary or withdrawn sometimes, but we have an open relationship and he talks to me or his Daddy about what's troubling him. Although I do think he doesn't like talking to me so much, in his mind he doesn't want to upset me.

It is still very early days for you, and this time of year is horrendous too, when everyone is celebrating and you probably carried on for the sake of your children, even though you probably wanted to curl up in a ball.

Take care of yourself, don't expect too much and just take one day at a time. I would definitely recommend seeing a counsellor, when the time is ready, you will know when.

Love Louie xx

[jules 2015]

Hi Louie

It's good to hear that you are trying to move on in life, I lost my dad on 1st Nov and like Marie struggle to get up and do anything. it's lovely to hear that you have a new job, I'm sure your Mum would be very proud of you. I know our loved ones wouldn't want us to be unhappy but when you have seen them suffer it is hard to think about trying to move on, as they say life will never be the same again

Julie x