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Veema
Posts: 503
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Fri Mar 23, 2018 7:45 am

It's a rubbish reality for anyone to face. I hate being a widow (the first time I had to tick THAT box on a form made me cry) and I hate being a single mum. I worry about me getting poorly and there being no one to look after me the way I looked after Nige and I really worry about me dying and Phoebe having no one.

You do come to accept this new reality and there is a lot to be said for being able to please yourself....but it doesn't make up for all the other stuff you've got to get used to...its a road we just don't want to travel.

Loads of love,

Vx

Veebee
Posts: 93
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:31 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veebee » Fri Mar 23, 2018 11:24 am

Mo your post says it all and I'm still trying to find my new normal. I've been going through the motions for 9 months but can't find a point in anything, yet. I'm sure we will all have happier days to come and find real enthusiasm for life in the future.

Love Vee xx

sandraW
Posts: 1033
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby sandraW » Fri Mar 23, 2018 1:05 pm

Oh Mo, I have been through all those feelings, its just so shit being on your own.
I always seem to cry when I do the garden, it was very much Trevor's domain, I did the planning and choosing he did the planting and sorting, he loved it not too sure what he was doing and quite often left a nice healthy weed because he thought it was a plant. So when I'm out there doing, I feel just as you do, even still.
I went to put some washing out this morning, and heard a noise from our very small triangular pond,
on investigation it is full of toads there were 3 having what appeared to be an orgy! as they were welded together, as I looked closer the pond was full (well there was about 12 that I could see) of toads of varying colours and all quite large, if they breed the pond will be full of spawn as as I say its very small, and we now only have one gold fish to eat it. We had 3 and they seemed to devour most of the spawn in one sitting, but the other 2 sadly died, we will be awash with toads but at least they should keep the slugs and snails at bay. My daughter in law is terrified of them, the toads, and last summer they seemed to wait while she was putting the washing out and then leap past her, it was quite amusing to watch.
We love your posts, even if it is about going to Tesco and we need to hear about how Boris is doing too, wish I was nearer then I could give you that much needed hug, as I'm not it will have to be a cyber ((( hug))) instead. sending much love sandrax xx

Dandygal76
Posts: 762
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Dandygal76 » Sat Mar 24, 2018 1:33 pm

My lovely Mo... the reality is that this is normal. The wordsmith in all of us (and we know I was a mighty one) just seems to dull over time with our great losses. I never managed to post on my dads thread again and I never realised that would happen... in fact I thought I would carry on with my worldly wisdom (or not) on last hours, lessons learned, funerals, the afterlife (whether there is one for him and the one that exists currently for us). Someone on here once mentioned the 'other side of the divide' and you just don't get that until you are here. And it is a hundred fold worse being your long time love and partner than for me.

Anyway, now I have chirped you up (sorry!)... post or don't post... change your mind as often as you like if you want to. No has your answers or knows your path... I can recommend a soup maker though for the veg front. I always thought 'soup maker' why not just do it in a pot but they are bloody brilliant and really easy. Soup is also really easy to eat just like an egg (and it freezes). Trust me.. my mother is souped out.

Much love. x

Justamo
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Mon Apr 09, 2018 9:55 pm

I scattered Peter's ashes today on the ski slopes where he spent some of the best days of his life.

It was a glorious day, bright and sunny, and you could - quite literally - see for miles. And now, when I 'lift up my eyes to the hills', I won't just see mountains - I'll see my Proud Highlander's final resting place.

Love, Mo

patrigib
Posts: 48
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:53 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby patrigib » Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:03 pm

"Courage" Mo!!!! Great place for Peter to rest! You're still caring for him, don't you? Hugs

sandraW
Posts: 1033
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby sandraW » Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:48 pm

Glad it was such a wonderful day Mo, and I'm glad the Proud Highlander has such a special resting place love sandrax xx

Justamo
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Wed Dec 26, 2018 1:11 pm

12 months ago today I was sitting beside my husband’s bed watching the final stages of this evil illness take an increasingly firm and final grip on his life.

The details are as real to me now as they were then: I didn’t know whether I wanted to keep him alive at all cost or if I wanted to him slip peacefully away. The decision wasn’t mine, thank God, and in due course nature took its inevitable course in the compassionate care of our Hospice.

The anniversary of Peter’s death is 10th January, but in my mind he really ‘died’ on 5th January, because that’s when the Hospice put him under heavy sedation, and to all intents and purposes Peter left me as soon as the drugs took effect. His poor tired body stayed working for as long as his heart kept pumping, but Peter wasn’t really ‘there’. I think he was in a better place.

So this Christmas has been yet another ‘first’. I’ve done the first wedding anniversary, and the first birthdays, and the anniversary of the date that we first met (2nd May 1972 – more important than any other date), the anniversary of our son’s death. And now the first Christmas. I refused lots of festive invitations, I just wanted to be quiet and alone, and reflect on this turbulent year.

I sold both the cars and bought one new one; sold the house and bought a smaller one; (leaving my beloved garden was hard), taken up and dropped several new hobbies (“You must try something NEW dear” Why, exactly ?), learned to reject well-meant help and suggestions, and tackled a new garden. I shed half my books, (like giving away old friends) and donated most of the house contents to different charity shops.

The garden I inherited had been planted, fairly randomly, some 40 years ago and then abandoned to nature. So I hired three strong men and a JCB to lay it to waste, which they did within two days. I had thought I was getting the Chippendales, but I seemed to have got the barely house-trained Dingles; no matter. The job was completed by laying a heavy membrane and covering the whole damn lot with gravel. I drew up a carefully considered plan of shrubs, they have all been planted through the gravel, and so far so good. Think Beth Chatto. Or maybe not.

I hit my personal wall in July, when I had nobody to argue with in shops about the colour of the curtains and carpets. I actually didn’t want to continue with anything. I got through it with my beloved cat (now my next-of-kin), pills, and friends and support of various kinds. A special friend flew up from London specifically so that I could argue with her in the curtain shop. Thanks Lulu.

I have stuck with the art classes, and sewing, I’ve written a book, I have rediscovered my love of photography, my (almost) daily swims, and things are on a more even keel. Boris the Cat has settled in well, he continues to be a joy to me and is almost the only thing I really love.

So the first year is nearly over. It has been tough, and I sometimes think that if I didn’t have my lovely cat to look after I could have just drifted away completely. There are days when I wish I had. But I catch up with the Forum from time to time and am glad that it still offers succour and help and love to people affected by this evil disease.

I’m sorry we need it at all, but so thankful that it’s here.
Take care, love Mo

Marmalade
Posts: 59
Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2017 4:29 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Marmalade » Wed Dec 26, 2018 2:43 pm

Dearest Mo,
I'm ridiculously happy to see this post. These firsts are hell and the seconds not much better but we are all still here and very slowly, adjusting to life alone by whatever means works for us. The things you have done are not small or insignificant they are massive and involve so many complex, sometimes completely draining, feelings and emotions. You've achieved so much, physically and mentally and I hope that Boris, the art, the writing and the new garden will continue to sustain you.

Much love, and good wishes for 2019

Marmalade xxx

Sandiemac
Posts: 69
Joined: Tue May 10, 2016 11:27 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Sandiemac » Sun Dec 30, 2018 1:13 pm

Hi Mo
I too am happy to hear how you are. I have often thought about you during this past year. I think we have all been fortunate having the support of friends and relations and it has certainly helped me immensely (it's been 15 months for me) but unless someone has been through bereavement in these circumstances themselves they cannot really understand.

It's a cliché, but it really does help to keep busy. I have started doing voluntary work and have also discovered cruising. My next hurdle is to get my tax return in before the end of the month!

Keep on keeping on. Take life in little bites rather than thinking too far ahead.
Love, Sandie xx