My love 💔

I’ve read some of the book, I was actually thinking of reading abit in bed tonight.

Today was ok I went to home bargains for some cleaning bits bought some unicorn and dinosaur hot chocolate bombs for my niece and nephews and little dog treats for their dog. I went to see the work girls again a couple of them had made cake so they wanted me to come in for taste testing. They done a money collection for me a couple of weeks ago and I told them today that I used the money to adopt an animal at the local zoo in Lewis memory ( an otter ). The canteen are providing free soup and sandwiches and occasionally meals during covid so they got me a macaroni cheese too so I did not have to worry about dinner which was nice.

I’ve managed to pick up all the clean washing off the floor and pack it away. I’ve also sorted out some of Lewis shirts which will be sent away to make a memory cushion and a dog teddy bear type thing. I’m looking forward to seeing how they look.

It’s hard when you want to talk to people but they are just not into it, they don’t understand what we are going through so don’t understand the need to reach out. I’m always here to talk if it helps.

Sleep well

X

Thankyou lovely. I really Like our chats and I’m pleased for you that you had a lighter day! What lovely colleagues you have. Mine did a collection too and I donated some to the dogs trust- the rest sits in an envelope as I don’t know what to do with it.

That sounds lovely, the shirt teadybear thing how do you arrange that? Kid has lots of shirts in our wardrobe. I haven’t moved a thing, not even his shoes from the shoe rack. Don’t want to... not ready. Xxxxxxx

I found it on one of the widowed groups tiller and co, there are lots of them about vary in prices I’ve ordered a dog £45 and a cushion £20. Lewis loved dogs I will probably get a regular bear done I got him some rather cool ac/dc pj

bottoms but he never got to wear them so I would like them to be used.

I bought a bigger a shoe rack to accommodate the new shoes I’ve bought and put all of his on there, I just want them to be together hopefully they will absorb the Lewisness from them so he is with me always.

I’ve had some jewellery made using his handwriting from cards and we should be receiving some trimming of his beard hair to go into jewellery, I’m not to keen on the hair in jewellery but I spoke to a lady who does it and she says she could just put a few in because I just like to know it’s there I’d rather the cremation jewellery but he was buried. There may also be fingerprints too.

Hopefully I will be able to show you the dog and cushion when I get them I will post the shirts off tomorrow.

Ahh that would be lovely Thankyou I would like to see them! Such a lovely idea.

Took ages to get to sleep last night, still awake gone midnight, feel I prob could have slept in but need to do the school run. Maybe a morning nap nap kinda day.

I hate the loneliness of grief, esp during this pandemic, can’t go anywhere can’t see anybody. I still can’t believe he is gone. Toast and drugs, nap, recoup. That’s my plan today.

I woke up a couple of times int he might I must of been sleeping with my mouth open as I was so dry!

I seem to prefer to be alone, I’ve always been abit of a loner anyway. I would like to be able to go to the seaside I have a craving to hear and see the waves crashing but it’s too far from me.

I would like to go and play on the PlayStation but I’m not sure I always used to play with Lewis.

Hopefully you have a nice little nap and a restful day

I do like to be alone too but broken up with a little conversation with another adult.

Feel like this week has been a lot calmer, which in itself makes me feel guilty. Still replaying and replaying but carrying it lighter. Think the walls defiantly help.

I enjoy doing things I would have done with kid, makes me feel closer to him. We used to play PlayStation a lot in our early years, with some Beers, generally olympics or grand theft auto. Our son Max now has it in his room.

Three months without him, longest I’ve ever been with out him. When I think of him though he makes me smile. We were such good friends, just used to laugh and laugh.

That’s good that you can smile at the memories, I’m not quite there yet I struggle to look at our photos.

I suppose being with children all the time can make you miss adult conversation. I’m going to my mums for dinner today with my niece and nephews.

Yesterday I just felt meh and I just took myself back to bed and ordered a pizza and ate it in bed. I did get up about 8pm for abit and then back to bed for sleep.

I will give the PlayStation a go this weekend it will probably need lots of updates.

Lewis hadn’t really been home since the end of October so I’ve been on my own at home for a while, I would visit him every day morning till late evening apart from the admission for the pulmonary embolism the ward would not let me visit there.

It’s a nice sunny day here, I posted the clothes yesterday for the cushion and the dog I can’t wait to get them back.

Have a nice day x

I think that is such a lovely idea. When I am ready to move/part with anything I will defiantly make them into bears for the kids and me. Look forward to a pic!

Having a chill morning in bed as it is raining cats and dogs outside! He was just a phenomenally strong, kind, loving, funny man I am bewildered as to how this happened and overwhelmed that I won’t see him again. It’s not sunk in. Don’t think it ever will. But I do feel grateful I got him home and was able to care for him myself and be with him every minute until the end. I’m so sorry you didn’t get that. Think your doing incredibly with your loss. Pizza in bed, that sounds like a plan

My appetite is very hit and miss, pretty sure I’ve lost weight as my clothes feel loose and i was only 81/2 stone before, but meh, trivial. Problems.

Hope you have fun this evening with your family xxxxx

I really struggled to look after Lewis at home, he was 6’2 and was 24 stone I managed to get him into bed alone but it was super hard I really hurt my back, it would take 4 nurses to get him into bed at hospital. I did not want Lewis to be home when he was really unwell I couldn’t manage it, I preferred having nurses around 24/7. When the hospice nurse was asking the week before she explained that there would be times where it would be just me and him and if he had pain or something it would be a little while before a DN could come to give him medications, so he said hospice but the local one was closed to admissions due to covid and the other hospice were not allowing visitors from tier 4 areas which we were, his mum said about having him at hers and I said he did not want that and she did not seem understand that he needed 24/7 supervision.

My eating well I’m overweight anyway I did lose over a stone in the week he was in hospital the last time but it’s hard to be bothered to cook properly for just one person. I eat a lot of toast.

I had to go to my grandparents house yesterday my grandad died a couple of years ago and the house has sold so my parents said I could go and have a look to see if there was anything I liked, I never got anything from them apart from money so it was nice to pick things, I got a Charles and Diana wedding glass! Vintage mirror little trinkets some lovely wine glasses a crystal cake stand. I wish I could of taken more but I have no where to keep it all and it is just going to be scrapped.

It was nice seeing the kids they were so excited to see me the dog even gave me some love she sat with her head on my lap.

I need to go to tescos today I keep buying food and not eating it so it goes off so I have to replace it.

Bored bored bored. Waiting for bedtime.

It’s nice you got little trinkets from your grandparents. When mine passed, both in there 80’s I simple wanted my grandmas cooking pot and my grandads draughts board that we used to play whenever we stayed over.

You up to much this evening? What a strange world we are in now? Firstly without our loves which in itself seems inconceivable and secondly with the stupid persistence covid.

Struggling to find ‘any cares’ for anything other than the children and walking the dog! But maybe that is enough, more than enough for now.... I dunno. Just feel very very lost. X

I know exactly how you feel. My sister in law text me to see how I was and I was just like rubbish really what’s the point my whole life plan has gone to shit and she’s just like I know where here for you if you need anything. The one thing I need I can’t have

I fired up the PlayStation today and updated it all and I’m playing some computer games, I’m awkward as I use a keyboard and mouse on the PlayStation but I took the good mouse mat from Lewis’ PC I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

I got a cute little watering can from my grandparents house too I used it to water all the plants we bought a bonsai tree last year after watching karate kid we called it groot it’s still growing so I must be doing something right.

I don’t really have any plans anymore for the evenings if I find a movie to watch I do that or making things. I’m just bored but I don’t want to do anything anyway. I don’t know what the solution is.

Say in the snow with the kiddies today, sledging. Then walked the dog. Bitter sweet, nice to see the children having fun, sad daddy isn’t hear!

Little robin on kids bird feeder today, so sweet! Hoping to get out of the witching hour 6 o’clock and then count down to bed!

Much love, hope you say has been ok? Xx

Oh yes I love seeing the robins I have two now that come to the feeder on the window they always seem to have a good look in.

I didn’t go out in the snow I saw the kids from other flats taking snow off the cars for a snowball fight, my mum sent me pictures of the snowman my niece and nephews made.

It’s been an ok day, a little tidying, cleaned the fish tank just got dinner in the oven, curry from M&S.

Thinking about going back to work if only for something to do but I don’t know I’d like to start the bereavement counselling first to see if they have any pearls of wisdom.

It sounds like you had a lovely day. Hopefully you get a good nights sleep x

Can’t sleep

A tiny little feather blew onto my shoulder in the lounge last night, don’t know where it came from, weird. Yawning and eyes watering but can’t sleep FFS!

It took me awhile to get to sleep last night, thinking did I do enough should I of pushed harder for his treatment to start but then I think we’ll he had that infection and had antibiotics for the month and then the PE so he only had a week to recover from that before starting treatment. Unfortunately he went so downhill in that week. I don’t know if I could of done anything to stop it. I had to take a diazepam last night.

The feather wow, your man is with you.

It’s still snowing in Essex has been for 3 days. Hopefully today is easy for you and you get a good rest.

Whatever you do, please don’t blame yourself for not pushing for treatment. It’s a bastard disease and unless you can have a Whipple op the outcome is pretty inevitable. My husband had virtually no symptoms but an astonishingly diligent GP referred him anyway. Diagnosed early, he was fit and healthy. Coped well with chemo and radiotherapy. Died 20 months after diagnosis. Whatever you’d have done the outcome would have been the same. Be proud of what you did for him.

Thank you

I know there will always be what if we found it then or was this the cancer that made you ill then, so many questions and no definitive answers. All I know is he never wanted to go to hospital until he felt really bad and it was like he knew because he took it a lot better than I did. If it was found early enough for the whipple he would not of had it, he hated operations he had so many as a child due to his hearing loss.

It was over as quick as it started.

Yep, over as quick as it started! That’s the truth. 4 days from diagnosis.... . It’s hard and horrid either way even with or without time!

Sorry not posted last few days, out with the kiddies in the snow then paid for it with no sleep for 3 nights! Threw up my sleeping tablet last night too and have felt awful! Dropped kids at school and walked and walked with a friend until pick up today.... 6hours and 25.5K later, hoping for sleep. I have loads of ‘if only’ and ‘it’s not fair’, truth is it’s just hard a world without him, them, cruel for him/them and cruel for us. Day by day. Xxxxxxxxx hope you are swimming? X

That is so ‘unfair’ Borobi, what a trooper your hubby was! Blooming disease is nasty! Much Love to you

It’s crazy to think that potentially that tumour was there the whole time I knew Lewis, we have only been together for nearly 4 years. It is out 4 year anniversary on the 23rd of this month. I’ve ordered this little bench with flower pots to go on his grave. I hope his family don’t mind he is buried with the ashes of his grandparents. Should also be getting some of his hair soon so I can have it put into jewellery.

23k is a crazy long walk! I done a 10k cancer research a couple of times and I’m done after that. Hopefully you are feeling better soon and not coming down with something.

I’m doing a zoom pamper evening with some of the people from WAY and also signed up for a beer tasting night. Gives me something to look forward too, I’m useless with the pamper stuff so it might actually help me! I’m already good at drinking the beer.

I’ve made myself a toad in the hole and roast spuds for dinner it’s a lot of effort for one person but I don’t eat proper meals much.

Not quite swimming just wading through the mud

X

I like that, wading through the mud! Good analogy. I hear you.

Bad few days, took myself off for another walk yesterday with a friend. 6.5 hours later and 27.5 K we got home. I slept for the first full night since. Did take me sleeper to get to sleep but managed 10-6

Kids tumor they said was only likely there for about a year was only small but clearly very aggressive as had spread so widely so quickly. It’s nasty, I get your thinking, I think when did it start exactly was it this or then but I guess we’ll never really know and won’t bring them back. It’s rubbish. Just rubbish. I finally got our car back from the garage yesterday has been in since the week this all happened. Looked in the window, kids golf shoes

Miss him.

Yes they said Lewis’ was very aggressive too to have caused all the problems it did in the short amount of time.

Glad you had a good nights sleep I hope you feel better for it.

I went to my mums for dinner today, saw my niece and nephews it’s nice to see them they take my mind off my life for the time I’m there. I gave my nephew an old Xbox controller of Lewis’ he sold the Xbox a long time ago and my nephew had ‘lost’ his controller apparently smashed them in a rage. I told him he had to look after it or I would get Lewis to come and haunt him.

I bought myself a couple bunches of flowers yesterday it’s valentines on Sunday so I’ve been buying myself little treats to take away the sadness that he’s not here.

It’s silly but I bought kid a card today in home bargains. We rarely did valentines anyway, but it said “I love you to the moon and back, the stars and the moon” couldn’t help myself. He would call me an endearing swear word for being so silly! Cried in the shop too. Not been many place since and it’s like ‘what, the world is going on and he is not in it, this is not normal or ok’. Ergh, tiring! Bacon butties for tea tonight, again he would endearingly call me a swear word from the ever after and say “what, bacon butties for tea selfish! Didn’t do that when I was around!”. Miss him, his banter, smiles, and love.

Your ‘he will haunt you’ comment made me lol!

Hope you are doing ok ish. Are you sleeping? The doctor said about prescribing me the tablets you said about as my sleep is not consistent. Do they work? Xxxxx

The zopiclone? Yes they helped had to take 7.5mg but they helped. I sleep ok I suppose it takes me a while I usually fall asleep with a movie on I end up waking late like 10-11ish. That’s part of the reason I think about going back to work as it might help my sleep pattern abit better and I’m just doing nothing really as I’m alone.

I fell asleep easy last night I was a tad Merry after a zoom thing with the WAY people.

I’ve bought a single rose and some wooden hearts on a stick, I was going to take them to his grave tomorrow but I’m not sure about going there.

I’ve bought myself a steak and fancy bits from tescos to have tomorrow I don’t really know what to do.

I had a sausage in a french stick the other night one of lewy’s favourites.

Sominex I think he said? Does that work?

Nearly 4 months since kid went to the ever after, so surreal, feels like he could just walk back in. Wish he would! I don’t know about work or what to do and atm I’m trying to to think about it or it becomes too over whelming. Have you spoken to Lewis’s family much recently? Kids family haven’t contacted at all since 27th dec! Together 15years plus and two kiddies and they can’t bring themselves to apologise and make an effort! WTF.

Max’s birthday soon, he will be 9. Bought him a gas monkey T-shirt like daddy used to swear all the time. Isla saw it and said “I want one” so have bought her one too. X