A forum for family, friends and carers of pancreatic cancer patients

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gillvb1
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:31 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby gillvb1 » Wed Jun 24, 2009 10:51 pm

Ellie,

Thank you so much. I am so glad that we have this website on which to convey our feelings. It has been a tremendous tower of strength for me to be able to say what I feel without being judged. I don't go out much at all so this website allows me to vent, but I don't want to do that at the expense of others feelings. We are all going through a hellish time and I wish there was more hope. It seems that hospital staff give you an ounce of hope then deal out a ton of despair.

Grab every day as it comes.

Love, Gill xxxxx

Nardobd
Posts: 479
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 6:25 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby Nardobd » Thu Jun 25, 2009 9:58 am

Dear Gill

We are all living similar nightmares and I truly believe that no one on this site would judge or criticise other members. Having said that, even the harshest critic couldn't find fault with you or your family. Your Dad is very, very lucky to be so loved.

Ellie was right: you're not 'going on', nor are you writing at the expense of others feelings. We are, in a way, like a huge family on here, giving and taking support as needed. Don't forget, too, that the messages will remain on the forum and may help others going through the same thing in the future.

I'm so pleased that your Dad was able to enjoy Fathers Day and isn't in pain. As for your daughter, you know her best and I'm sure that you will choose just the right words for her. She will always remember her Grandad with love and affection.

Gill, we're sending you all the love and strength we can at this awful time.

Love
Nicki xx

Lisa

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby Lisa » Fri Jun 26, 2009 9:30 pm

Dear Gill,

I haven’t been on for a couple of days and I’m so shocked to read now how quickly your dad has deteriorated. Everyone has offered (as always) great support so all I will add is to remind you again that this is THE place for getting everything off your chest, that’s what we are here for!
I’m so glad your dad enjoyed father’s day and just remember that now everything you and your family are doing is in the best interests of your dad!

Wishing you lots of love and strength!
Lisa xx

gillvb1
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:31 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby gillvb1 » Sat Jun 27, 2009 1:39 am

Thank you for your messages. My Dad is in a very poorly state now but we know that he is getting very good palliative care. He is no longer taking nutriments, he is just taking water by drip so he's slipping away now. I visit my Dad every day and he is comfortable and seems happy, he's like a baby again, looking at us and giving us lovely smiles. In a way it has taken the taboo of death away from us in that he is having a peaceful and restful time. My Dad is hanging on in there but we know this is it - the final chapter and it's very hard to bear. Pain is minimal and he is given an injection for minor discomfort on an as and when basis. The most upsetting thing is the change in Dad's appearance, his is suffering from jaundice and is so very thin now. I am hoping that he continues his journey in comfort and with dignity. Love, Gill xxxx

chinup
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:22 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby chinup » Sat Jun 27, 2009 9:49 pm

Hello Gill, I just thought I would see how things were, been thinking about you today. It is good that your father is calm and peaceful, that is testament to the love that he is surrounded with. You have reminded me a lot of how my dad was with my mum throughout her illness, it is hard to put into words but it has a lot to do with devotion. Try not to be upset by the jaundice etc, those images will fade from your mind soon enough. My mum looked exactly the same and she also gave us those wonderful yet heartbreaking smiles you describe. She had no idea at all how she looked - we just kept up the cleaning and moisturising routine she had done all her life and told her she was beautiful and she was happy with that. I know things are very very hard for you now and it won't get better for some time, but I promise it will sooner than you might imagine. Just keep doing what you are doing, bye for now, XXXXX

gillvb1
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:31 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby gillvb1 » Sat Jun 27, 2009 10:38 pm

Chinup,

Thank you so much for your message of support, it's a comfort to have someone relate to how I'm feeling, and I can relate to you too. My Dad is now on constant morphine and after a pretty restless day he is comfortable again, the hospital took his air tube away today so he is working hard to breath. His situation is so hopeless and I really worry about how he is feeling emotionally. My Dad has been so good natured throughout, so much so that I can hardly believe it. Thanks again, you have made me feel strong and able to face another day. Love, Gill xxxx

gillvb1
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:31 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby gillvb1 » Sun Jun 28, 2009 8:50 pm

The nightmare is over - my gorgeous Dad died this afternoon after a very traumatic week for us all. Thank you for all your support - you've been an absolute tower of strength to me. I wish I could say that he died a peaceful death but I can't. He had fluid on his lungs and seemed uncomfortable although we were told that he would not have been aware of that. The decision not to take him home was definitely the right one. My Dad needed lots of medical attention and pain relief over the last 7 days. The lack of hasty treatment would have only added to the trauma of it all. I shall keep in touch with you all as I come to terms with the past 9 months and as I follow your respective journies. Lots of love and optimism to you all, Gill xxxxx
Last edited by gillvb1 on Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ellie
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:03 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby Ellie » Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm

Dear Gill

I am so terribly sorry to hear that your much-loved Dad has passed away. It is the message I didn't want to read.....

After such a brave and positive fight, it is tragic that it had to end this way. All I can say is that at least he is now at peace and will not suffer anymore. I truly hope that, when you have come to terms with this awful situation, that you will then remember all the wonderful, happy times you shared with him and that those memories will help to ease your pain and bring you some comfort.

You have my heartfelt sympathy and sincere condolences to you and your family.

Thinking of you at this deeply sad time.

Love & hugs
Ellie
xxx

chinup
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:22 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby chinup » Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:24 pm

We hardly know each other Gill but please accept my very sincere condolences. I always followed your story with hope - your dear father did so incredibly well and nothing will ever take that away. He won so many battles and as I mentioned to you before my mum and dad were genuinely pleased to hear of his continued success. Never forget what he achieved and all the nice things he was able to do even though he had this disease - add that to what I suspect was a wonderful life and I promise that you and your family will find that the horror of the last couple of months will begin to fade soon enough as you begin to count the good times.

As to you Gill, well, as I say, I don't know you but the love and devotion you have given your dad has shone through in your posts. You're obviously a good woman and I wish you peace and calm as you try to come to terms with what's happened. XXX

Nardobd
Posts: 479
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 6:25 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby Nardobd » Mon Jun 29, 2009 4:23 pm

Dear Gill

I was so very sorry to read that your Dad has passed and you and your family have my deepest condolences.

I'm glad that after much heartache and self-doubt over the last week or so, you now know that it was the right decision not to take your Dad home. I know that was so very, very hard for you all.

Wishing you all lots of strength and tranquility.

Love
Nicki xxx

pauline
Posts: 48
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 3:24 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby pauline » Mon Jun 29, 2009 9:33 pm

Dearest Gill

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved dad,over the last 4 months since i have come on this site your posts alone give me the strength for my dad.

i'm sending you and your family my heart felt condolences at this sad time

please send all my families love to all of your family

lots of love

Pauline

gillvb1
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:31 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby gillvb1 » Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:30 pm

A big thank you to everyone who has passed on their thoughts and condolenses after my Dad passed away on 28th June - you'll never know how much strength I have drawn from that. I have arranged his funeral for the immediate family for Monday 6 July followed by a low key celebration to reflect on his life. We're going to put ribbons in the trees and make it as lovely as we can. We've also decided not to wear black - nice bright colours to reflect my Dad's positive attitude and determination in life. I shall keep in touch with all your journies. Love, Gill xxxx

Lisa

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby Lisa » Mon Jul 13, 2009 12:18 pm

Dear Gill,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I'm sure he was very glad to have you all around him so much during that last week.
I hope very much that the funeral went well and everything turned out as you wanted it to - as a celebration of your dad's life.

I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you and your family now but just remember your dad is at peace.

Please keep in touch.
Lots of love to you and your family
Lisa xx

gillvb1
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:31 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby gillvb1 » Sun Jul 19, 2009 11:56 pm

Hi Lisa, yes, the funeral went well - very low key but just how we wanted it. My brother and brother-in-law made the readings which were personal to the family and very well conveyed. I realise now that my Dad has gone that I spent most of my time subconciously worrying about him. I miss him so much but I don't feel the worry I used to - it's quite a relief really and I feel so bad saying that but I can't change the course of events. My Dad used to take my 6 year old daughter out every weekend and would see her a few days a week to boot. Towards the end my Dad became forgetful and would be late home because they 'took the wrong turning' so I had to bite the bullet and allow him to take my daughter out hoping that his instinct would keep them both safe. They did remain safe and they enjoyed some fantastic days out. The Saturday before he was taken into hospital (he never came out) he took my daughter to the zoo and they came back reeling from a fabulous time together. Now I feel I don't have to worry any more - don't get me wrong - most evenings are consumed by my reminiscing and a me shedding a good few tears and I would do anything to have my Dad back, but there is now this sense of calm which I feel quite guilty about.

Nardobd
Posts: 479
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 6:25 pm

Re: CHEMOTHERAPY

Postby Nardobd » Mon Jul 20, 2009 4:34 pm

Gill

The last thing your Dad would want is for you to feel guilty! You loved him and cared for him throughout, always putting his needs first and the fact that you were so worried on a subconcious level only shows how deeply you felt for him. What you're feeling is perfectly natural and part of the grieving process.

Love
Nicki x