My love 💔

Yer I hear that. Stupid cruel unfair. I have thought the same, but blame myself for not seeing it!

Take it easy tomorrow lovely. Veg out, drink, watch a film or go see him. I often have a half of kronenbourg with kid when I’m feeling shitty. Do what you feel you can do. Xxxx

Morning

Thinking of you x

Thank you

It was hard to get to sleep last night, ended up crying myself to sleep.

From today my adoption at the zoo starts, I adopted an otter in memory of Lewis, hopefully I will be able to go and see it soon.

That’s so lovely. Will also give you a day out/ change of seen. Sorry you had a bad night!

Feel like I’m swimming along on this pain train- walking is distracting but just not sure what life is without kid. Doesn’t seem real. Never will. I dunno. Meh, just feel meh!

Have you got any plans today? I am going to start some painting..... keep telling myself to get up and do it but that in itself is a drag.

The sun is shining here

I’ve just cleaned the fish tank, fish make a lot of mess!

I’ve emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen.

I’m going to give blood later my appointment is at 3pm.

It seems the lead up to the day of something is worse than the actual day, I put a post on Facebook last night about our anniversary with pictures and videos of our little trips away so I woke up to loads of comments on that. Back in November lewis said he wanted to marry me ASAP but in a couple of months as covid was ramping up again, me never knew but during his first admission to hospital when we found out it was cancer I bought myself a nice dress with the intention of it being a wedding dress, he never saw it I thought it would be cool to get married today so it would forever be our anniversary but it was not meant to be.

Oh darling that is heartbreaking. Saw the dress and post on fb- it is a lovely dress! Why not go all ‘ab fab’ wear it, take a bottle, and go see him? Or not, whatever suits.

Both our children sad today. Both crying. Feels like knives stabbing in the heart, little people’s pain you can’t take away and only weighs heavier on your heart! Life can be cruel!!!!! Lewis should have married you today and Kid should be here with me and the kiddies (and stellar ). Cancer, all cancers, but especially this one, is a ****!

I haven’t been since the day of his funeral I just can’t bring myself too. I hate the thought of him just there.

The dress still has the tag on! I could go all wailing widow and go to grave screaming and crying wearing the dress with the felt flower bouquet that I got too but that would probably get me locked up. I’d rather just leave it in the back of the wardrobe for now.

We got some hair from Lewis’ beard from the funeral place, his mum gave me ‘my share’ last week I’ve ordered a couple bits of jewellery that it can be set in and the bits came today to send it off. The ashes jewellery looks nicer but I’ve asked for only a little to be used and colours and sparkles so it’s not obvious. So much hair I could have multiple pieces made.

I gave my blood donation all good quick and easy went to home bargains to buy pamper stuff to cheer me up, just had my feet soaking in those foot peel socks for 90 minutes, hopefully it works.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for both is us.

X

Hiya

Sorry not posted for a few days, heavy few days tbh. But I find inner strength tonight - my kid self. Remembering how strong and loving are relationship was, our years together and the strength he had at the end and me also by his side. I am proud of him as he was with us.... I am going to survive this one day at a time!

Hope you have had a lighter few days, some sleep and rest. Xxxx

It’s lovely you two had so many years together you must have so many memories. You are strong you have made it this far.

I dropped off some bits to my sister in law today, some computer games for the kids Lewis’ shoe collection (he only wore them a few times but they were the flashy expensive shoes) it seemed a shame to have them all when they could be worn by his nephews and Lewis would love it, they are quite picky about labels and stuff so he would be thrilled to be down with the kids. I also gave his old tv to his niece I wanted her to have something I did not want her to feel left out. Prior to all of the stuff we were going to get rid of it anyway so it made her happy to have her uncle lu lu’s tv.

Had a proper flap last night, the broadband went tits up while cooking dinner, spaghetti bolognase, I tried to fix it while cooking ended up taking abit longer I ended up resetting the router so all the passwords Lewis set up were gone, I ended up fixing it and even managed to change the password to something easier for me, but my spaghetti was well overcooked. I cried for Lewis because it was hard and it was something I was dreading having to do. I barely ate the dinner and just ate ice cream.

One of the sisters is ringing me tomorrow to talk about returning to work I said hopefully a couple of weeks I need to chase up the drs about the certificate tomorrow, they are pretty useless on that front.

Hopefully you have a good sleep

My ward sister asked if I would consider going in for a sickness meeting, I said no. Not ready. Just focusing on me, and the children atm. Everything else can do one!

That was really nice of you! Make sure you keep things you want to and there is no rush with any of it. I’ve not moved a thing and don’t intend to atm. Took my sleeping tablet late as I forgot so still wide awakeFFS hoping I would be too long though as have school run in the morning them Max’s birthday at weekend. X

Oh yes I won’t give anything away that I want to keep. I’ve got the shoes he wore the most anyway.

I’ve moved things and tidied them as it was abit all over the shop I’m abit more organised than he was. I like all the collectibles in their genre groups I’m fussy that way. He also took some of his pop vinyl figures out of their boxes so I will put them back in their boxes, make sure they are safe there.

It’s my sons 9th birthday today. First without daddy. Whilst he has been pretty robust I feel it is a constant stab in the heart. Go through periods of thinking it is as it is he would want you to be strong..... to omg I can’t believe I will never see him again. Just feel wiped. Fed up. Sad. Lonely. Miss him.

All the firsts are just so hard it’s like a smack in the face with every one.

But you have managed to get through it and we will get through all these special days. I’ve been tearful on and off all week. Just for no reason just something I see on TV sets me off and I’m like I have no idea why I’m crying right now.

The loneliness is horrible I’ve been joining more zooms on the WAY groups just to see people and hear other voices, made a plan for going back to work to ease in slowly by the middle of march. Just for something to do really as being alone is getting to me as I’m starting to feel less away with the fairies.

Hiya. Been an ok few days, abit difficult yesterday as received an email from my mother in law that then made me anxious after two months of radio silence following there attack on 27/12. But I have walked off my anxious and decided I shall firmly yet politely reply with a it’s too little to late reply please leave me alone. Tonight’s fun! Finding thinks have got a little lighter but not sure about work as yet.

Today’s challenge is my first trip to the supermarket whixh I haven’t since as have just had delivered. Thought I might push the boat out. Thinking kid would be proud of me. Hope you are ok.

He would be very proud, it’s super hard shit were going through. Just managing to get up and dressed is a big thing, cooking proper meals i struggle with I do it sometimes, I’m getting better at it.

Sometimes when I am finding things super shit I think what would Lewis be doing if It was the other way around. I know he would struggle and take the easy way out. I know it, he told me so many times.

He always said I’ll be dead before I’m 40 and I will take the cancer so your safe. We would watch like stand up to cancer bake off, one in two will have cancer in their lifetimes it would say and he would say I hope it’s me. I would tell him off.

Try not to let the email play on your mind, people do crazy shit when their grieving and sometimes seeing other people’s reactions to grief is uncomfortable for them so they distract in any ways they can. I know I just shut myself away for I’m not sure how long, I didn’t want to see anybody or do anything.

Just forwarded my last sick note on, I’m really anxious about going back but I have a phased return and I’m supernumerary for a couple of weeks so I don’t have to worry. I have my revalidation to do, I was due last year but the NMC extended it due to the pandemic but I had all the paperwork ready but it might need a little updating. It will be nice to see other people again and have background noise rather than it just be me and my thoughts.

Supermarket was odd at first I had to write a list as I could not remember what I needed when I got there and then I forgot the list and then I forgot the bloody masks. I’m abit more organised now.

Having a bit of a ‘nothing’ morning, kids off school today and we are all doing nothing. Feels rubbish without kid. Yer, sounds like Lewis was a good bloke. Kid said the same to me at the hospital when I said I would swap places with him in a heartbeat, he said “I wouldn’t want you too, I’m so proud of my family”. Feels like forever since I’ve seen him. I don’t know if it’s acceptance or denial. The thought of work petrifies me and tbh I feel like I have lost my identity so I am going to take my time. Good for you making the decision though xx

Work petrified me too, but I’m at a point now where I feel like I’m more present in the day and I have on occasion felt bored with being at home.

Seeing family once a week is nice when I go down for dinner but I think seeing other people will help, it will also help me get abit more of a routine, I try but I’m lazy so if I can’t be arsed then I won’t do anything.

This is the longest I’ve ever not worked (apart from the 3 years of student nursing) since I was 18.

I’m going to meet his mum next week for a little catch up, I also ordered loads of photos of Lewis and his niece and nephews for his sister, I’m going to put them all in a proper photo album for her birthday on the 14th, I’ve also got his mum and little Mother’s Day present. I got these pin badges from Macmillan they were meant to be wedding favours but obviously did not get there but they are little guitars so I’m going to give them to his family if they wear them, I put one on my work lanyard.

Hope you have a restful day.

Do you open your eyes first thing in the morning sometimes and just for a fleeting second think..... this didn’t happen? Just when I think ‘I can’ ‘I must’ I feel deflated and sad and out of control. No choice but to live without him but don’t want too. I dunno, maybe it’s the rubbish weather again too and his family popping up for another kick!

There was only one morning, I woke up and I could hear noise and I thought it was the tv on in the lounge and I had this rush of excitement thinking Lewis was up and I was really excited to see him then I realised it was the boiler firing for the heating and that it was not Lewis. It really hit me then.

Or the other day I was getting in my car and I see some of the people who live in the flats opposite loading a fridge in their car. This made me chuckle as all last year these people would have multiple fridges arrive at their house and we were like what are they doing with them all. Any way I saw this fridge and I laughed and was like I’ll have to tell Lewis. Obviously can’t.

I think the weather does affect, that lovely sunny day last week I cleaned my whole flat and was like having a great day, now the weathers rubbish and I can’t be bothered to do anything.

I can’t be bothered to anything. Feeling sad. Can’t believe it has been four months. That the children will live their whole lives now without him.

Kids mum has been awful, selfish and self centred. She emailed me and I emailed back a big fu. I’ve told her to go away for good! Just so unnecessary. Wish kid was here he would have put her in her place. It’s a surreal reality how much life has changed in such a short space in time! When do you start to accept this unwanted life that is what I wonder? Your fridge story made me smile, I do that all the time as do the children- think about things they did or that remind them of kid, or want to tell him something but can’t. I wonder if there is an after? If they can watch over you?

I don’t know I’m in the spirituality group on Facebook and I know some of these mediums or physcics are questionable. But there are days when I’m having a shit time and I look up and there is a robin on the window, I’m crying on the phone to one of the ward sisters a robin flys and lands on my window. Lewis’ mum says if there was a way to get back to look in on us he would find a way.

I had a funny dream where I was at home and Lewis was there and he kept leaving socks all over the floor. He done this loads when he was here would take his socks off on the sofa after work and leave them there. Anyway in the dream I’m just running round picking up all these socks saying the house has been so much more tidy since you’ve been gone now I’m picking up all these bloody socks!

It’s funny that she emails you, very impersonal, she must know she has not been there for you.

Yer and after two months of not hearing from her she doesn’t apologise and signs the email kids mum and dad! What a witch. 15 years and I am the mother of her grandchildren! Anyway, I replied in full with basically do one, kids wife!!!!

Feels heavy though. I feel sick.

Not sure I believe in mediums etc either, but a friend of mine sees one and said hers told her to have a smear urgently and when she did it came back abnormal, so I dunno

I’d give anything for one contact with him.

I can imagine it must feel so heavy to have all of that on your mind and then dealing with the loss of your husband too. Im sure you are doing what you think is best for your family, if they are toxic just cut them out, you don’t need that in your life you only need people who will help and support you.

I would give anything too, one hug, one hand hold, even just to hear him laugh.

Just been for a walk with my family near the river bure 5K. Nice to get out in the sunshine. Feeling lighter than this morning, although have cracked the wine open early.... must be 5 o’clock in the world somewhere right? Now is when I really feel it..... this drag until bedtime and then it goes again. Hope you have had an ok day? X