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Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2016 7:49 am
by boa
Hi Linda, I think it's very easy to question whether we could have done things differently or better and run them through our minds. But we all did our best I'm sure. These feelings will get less and less and we will remember the good times which lasted for longer. As Dandygirl says we will find ourselves again. Catherine

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:48 am
by PCUK Nurse Jeni
Hi all,

Here is the poem - thanks Sue for sharing about this.

"I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self."


Jeni,
Pancreatic cancer Nurse Specialist, Support team.

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2016 10:11 am
by Proud Wife
Thank you so much for posting that Jeni, amazingly true words.

The only way I coped with the loss of my parents was to read and re-read the following poem. If it's okay with everyone, I am going to copy and paste both of these and start a new thread to help anyone or for additional poems to be posted.

Here goes:-

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I did not die.

I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father
who knows him best.

When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I did not die.

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2016 10:31 am
by Proud Wife
Just started a new thread so that the poems can be easily found in future. I am a little concerned that the words "I did not die" in the version of the poem that I found may upset someone - if that is the case, just let me know and I will delete immediately xx

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2016 2:16 pm
by sandraW
Hi PW,
Those words don't upset me, I totally agree with the sentiments of the poem
Trevor is still here with me, in the silliest of tasks I do, I think what would he have said when I dropped the porridge oats and they went all over, he would have thought it was hilarious, and pulled my leg. They do die in the respect that the bodily person is no longer here but they live on in our hearts forever. I know with Trevor it is only nearly a year, but my Dad died over 50 years ago now, and I still feel him there with me and I can still hear him talk to me and still see his smile. sandrax xx

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:53 pm
by boa
I think any verse, poem, quote or whatever that helps people move forward is great. I have heard the one that you wrote PW but not Jeni's. They are very different. Jeni's is more about the grieving process which is interesting.
Catherine

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:20 pm
by Linda G
Hi All, I have heard PW's poem before but not Jenni's. It certainly makes one think about the grieving process. I had a terrible evening yesterday and cried for about five hours non stop. It was so hard to pull myself together. But when I went to sleep I seen Stewart in a dream. I don't recall what the dream was about but I could see my Stewart standing watching me from a distance. I would like to think that means he is somewhere watching out for me. Didn't cry at all today- until now. Has anyone else had an experience of any kind that made them feel like their loved one was nearby in some way? I wrote my own poem for Stewart's condolence book, I may add it to the new thread sometime.
Linda
xxxx

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2016 10:30 pm
by Didge
Yes, when my first husband died I got to a point when I demanded in a rage that I wanted him back. That night I had the strangest dream which was not like a dream at all. It lasted all night and we just walked together hand in hand by the sea. Which leads me to another bit of advice (sorry!). Spring is here and if you can, get out for a short walk now and again - and take him with you! Rather than tell yourself he is not around, tell yourself that he is! Talk to him (silently if in company!) and you will hear his responses that you know so well. I don't think it really matters whether you believe in an after life or not - at this stage is does no harm to give it the benefit of the doubt! I have never understood why people say 'I have to keep telling myself that he/she is no longer here'. My answer to that has always been 'why'? I hope you can find some comfort in feeling that he is near to you.
Didge x

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 4:19 pm
by Linda G
Thanks Didge, did your dream bring you some comfort? I do talk to him all the time. In my head (when necessary) and out loud at home. I always talked to myself anyway so its nothing new. I don't really feel that he is no longer here! not sure if that's because it hasn't quite sunk in yet or if I will always feel that way. Thanks for the advice about "taking him with me" when I go out. I always say "bye darling, just going to ........., wont't be long", he used to say "take as long as you like darling, I'll still be here when you get back" When I come back I always say "Hi darling, I'm back". From now on I'm taking him with me!. It might make it easier to go out and stay out longer, as sometimes I just want to get home quick to be where he was/is. Thanks for that.
xxxx

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 9:05 pm
by Sueoliver
Hi Linda I'm glad Jeni managed to post the poem! It certainly resonates with me!
I would love to see my Mum in a dream but I haven't. Someone said to me it is because you want to so it won't happen! We went to the crematorium today and her ashes were buried with her memorial. It was very surreal! Didn't really seem real!
Take care,
Love Sue x

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 10:43 pm
by Linda G
Hi Sue, Yes, I liked the poem too. It makes more sense that the grief is absorbed and accepted and endured, not something you can complete and move on. I was very surprised to see Stewart in my dream. I had heard/read that it takes a long time to dream about a lost loved one and its only 7 weeks for Stew. It will happen when you least expect it. I have Stewart's ashes at home with me. Today I filled 3 keepsake urns for me and my 2 adult stepchildren. That was also a bit surreal! I intend to scatter the rest in special places that he loved like his football team's stadium, parks, cycle tracks and our beach. I will be waiting for some better weather before I do that though - weather like today makes me want to stay home and hide under the duvet. Take care Sue.
xxxx

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2016 8:01 pm
by Proud Wife
How are you Linda?

I love the sound of what you have done with Stewart's ashes (that was really brave of you I think, if brave it the right word?).

Take care
xxx

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 1:23 pm
by Fifi
Hi Linda,

I think that is lovely what you have you done with the ashes. I have put some of Dad's in a bracelet, and also had some made into a Pandora clear charm, and I have that engraved, but wear it on a necklace mainly.

Leila xx

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 6:19 pm
by Linda G
Hi PW, Still struggling with my emotions but a little better than before I think. It was ok filling the little keepsake urns, I felt like I was doing something special for Stewart and his son and daughter. I have my little urn on my bedside table with a photograph. It brings me comfort. I just found out from Stewart's friend that the football stadium do a little ceremony every now and again and ashes are actually buried on the pitch- I like this idea and I know Stew would too. The stadium will let me know when the next ceremony is. His friends are also having his name inscribed on a brick in the wall of the stadium - he would like that too. He was a season ticket holder from a young boy and loved his team. Not sure if Im allowed to say which team on here?

How is your hubby doing at the minute and how are you coping? I think about you both often.
xxxxxx

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 6:26 pm
by Linda G
Hi Leila, it also sounds lovely what you have a had done with your Dad's. It's a comfort to have something near you isn't it? I will be thinking of you on Thursday.
Take care love and stay strong. You are extremely helpful to lots of people using the site and we need your strength.
xxxx
Linda