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Thank you...I will await my warm and glowy feeling...and will look for the book.


Just perusing fancy cremation urns as he's currently in a black cardboard tube that's not really befitting of the man he was, but I think he will go bananas if I pay over £1000 for a bronze lotus flower urn...ha ha...may have to find something of a compromise, but then I've always had expensive taste.


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I've bought a nice teardrop shaped thing, that is made of alluminium, but painted a pearlised whitish colour...it was much better value than the lotus flower, which I think was designed to be kept outside.


I may have to take him back to the funeral directors for them to transfer him...I'm a bit clumsy and can see him spilling all over the kitchen floor, being licked up by the dog and trodden trough the rest of the house if I attempt it.


I don't really have any feelings towards the ashes, I thought I would have, but feel quite detached from them. I think the vicar summed it up when he came to talk to us about the funeral...the last prayer of the service is commending them to God's safe keeping or something like that and the remains are just that, remains...nothing really. It was a bit like when I went to see him at the funeral directors, I felt quite detached from him there too, I think because I knew that wasn't the Nige that I knew and loved...


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I understand the detachment you feel towards the ashes; I felt that when I saw both my mother and my father after their deaths. Their bodies seemed to be empty boxes and like you, V, I felt quite detached from them. They had very little effect on me.


Other people will feel very different, of course, but for me the vital spark had gone. I felt overwrought at my mother's funeral because my father was so upset, but when he died I just felt numb.


Whatever you decide to do with the ashes is right. You can't own somebody's soul, but you can own their remains so just make the right decision for you and Phoebe. I took my father's ashes to County Kerry to scatter on my mother's grave because it felt right for me. If you want to keep Nige's ashes in a teardrop thingy that's perfect.


Hope today has been better than yesterday !

Love

Mo

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Hello our dear friend. It is difficult sometimes to decide whether we should respond to a quiet thread on this forum or whether we should shout very loudly to see if you are okay. I have chosen tonight to shout... WE ARE HERE FOR YOU LOVELY LOVELY LADY. I hope that is okay. x

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Thank you...I'm still here and read every day, just don't have anything significant to post about us...we're soldiering on fairly well. Just been to the parents for the annual halloween party - the Magic Pumpkin comes and leaves presents in the garden for the children, they love it...my mum is bonkers and spends a fortune on them...I thought it would be difficult, but it was ok. I'm very lucky that everyone is willing to talk about Nige and I don't feel like I haven't to...we also deal with things in a black humour sort of way, which I know some people find inappropriate. I nearly took Nige up in his black tube (I haven't got the urn yet), with some fangs stuck on the front.


It's my birthday on Sunday and Phoebe has had a little panic about getting me something...both boys have offered to take her and so has my mum, so she's sorted, but she won't let me give her any money to get a present with even though I've told her Dad would just have used the money out of the bank had he been here...so she's using her pocket money...I shall just have to find extra things she's done around the house so I can transfer extra onto her Go Henry to cover it.


She's such a little star, I feel so sad for her. I have been looking through some old photos on the computer this afternoon whilst she was at my mum's sorting out the party...nearly all of them are her and her Dad...right up until this time last year and then she just didn't want much to do with him anymore, which made me feel sad at the time, but I think she was protecting herself from what she knew deep down was coming...detaching herself from him and becoming my shadow. She's having mini meltdowns about nothing, which I think is her way of getting it out, so instead of telling her not to cry, I just let her cry it out, even though what she purports to be crying about is downright pathetic.


I do miss Nige terribly, it's an odd feeling, I still can't get my head around the fact that he's not here anymore. Something happened the other day and I thought oooh, wait till I tell Nige...and then thought oh...I can't.


Anyway...need to go and scrub the halloween makeup off and brush the half a can of hairspray out of my hair.


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Veema, the fangs comment made me spit out my cornflakes! I am on that dark humour page with you but I hope not inappropriately, I have no idea how I will react around my dad in the same position and do hope I will not become some zealous hypocrite but who knows, I surprise myself half the time with how I react to things and how intense I can be at times. Fangs though.. the thought is brilliant, the reality of keeping him home though was probably best.


We went to a Halloween thing of a friends. He had done his house out with all sorts (not sure if you watch Modern Family but it was like the Halloween scene from that). We didn't even get any benefits from being best mates... a 2 hour queue to get into the house only for Henry to be terrified and cry. Oh my youngest one is such a delicate little flower.... I thought at nearly 9 he would be like the rest of the family in loving horror but I fear he will always be the same. I shouldn't moan, he is truly a lovely boy.


It is good you are coping though around all these family things. It is good to talk and talk you must do. I have recently taken a very good friend through the loss of both parents very close together and one very sudden and unexpected. She, as you probably do, felt cheated. Her other half left her around the same time well. The point being, for months, we rattled around the same issues and now she would tell you that talking got her through. It is a process and it is healthy, not only for you but for phoebe as well. If you feel you do not have much to say on here I am sure our fellow forum family will join me in saying... come on here and prattle about nothing. It is good for the soul.


I hope you have a lovely birthday on Sunday. It is these little things we do not think about isn't it. My dad gives each of this kids a monthly pocket money equivalent to their age. Just simple things we take for granted. I am sure that nanny and the boys will have your birthday sorted. You do sound as though you have a great family surrounding you.


It is funny what you say about Phoebe withdrawing from her dad. I see it in my eldest as well. Almost like they want to get used to them not being around, whilst they are secure they are still around. I leave him to his own path mostly but I think it gives dad more comfort the more he strikes out independently and I hope it was the same for Nige so do think on the other perspective. It would have been grueling to have phoebe the complete opposite in sadness with him.


As for phoebe I am sure she will have many a meltdown but it sounds as though she has a good support system around her. Tricky age as the hormones start to kick in as well. There is no right or wrong answer to any of this... I would do the same. Let her have her mini meltdowns and cry it out. We all have our own ways of dealing with these things. They are resilient, I think I may have mentioned my cousin lost her mum at a similar age... it did not define her. She is a beautiful, wonderful and very well balanced adult. I think phoebe with the support network around her will be okay.


Of course you miss Nige terribly, my partner says the same about his dad. Just for a moment he will think I must call dad over that and his words are literally the same to me... oh, I can't.


Take one day at a time Veema, that is all you can do.


xx

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Me and Phoebe have just had a right laugh transferring the ashes into the urn...as predicted it was everywhere...dog's had some...we've breathed it in...it's wafted around the kitchen (and I'd just cleaned too). But he's now safe and sound now, although missing a bit (which I've swept up and put in the garden).


Honestly...my child is amazing...she stood grasping the urn (which had to be filled from the bottom and is a teardrop shape, so couldn't be rested on the table) with the ashes wafting everywhere, laughing her head off. I didn't have a suitably sized funnel, so had to use an upended coke bottle with the bottom cut off...such a classy lady.


Perhaps need a blast on the inhaler now as I can't stop coughing...


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V, well! most of us have a piece of jewelry made but you have to go one better and inhale your lovely Nige's ashes, wonder if they will show up on an xray? I am not surprised you are coughing.

Good on Phoebe you are right she is ....amazing as are you, she's like she is because of you, you know that right, so take full credit. love sandrax xx

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  • 2 weeks later...

Feeling maudlin today. Phoebe has had a bad week culminating in her sobbing her heart out on the stage in church at the remembrance service on Friday morning. Church is part of the school building, very modern...Phoebe is a member of the school ethos council and as such delivers worships every Friday morning, sat on the stage where her Dad's coffin sat just a few weeks ago at his funeral, I'm surprised it's taken this long to be honest, but so pleased something is finally coming out. Luckily I work in the same school and was there and able to take her out and let her cry it out.


She's off on a residential a week tomorrow for a week...I'm dreading it...she's been out this afternoon watching her cousin play ice hockey and I'm sat here on my own and I hate it. The mums at school are fab and have arranged for me to do something for a couple of the nights, but I know I will really miss her. The only night we've spent apart is the night she was in intensive care after her heart surgery and I wasn't allowed to stay with her. Anyway...I'm hoping to finish her bear and sort out things for Christmas for her.


I still don't really know how I feel...it's been 7 weeks, which seems like an age, but then no time at all...in the main (and when I don't have PMT) I feel ok...coping well, getting on with stuff, but then have days of intense sadness, which I know is normal and OK and I just ride with it.


I'm not enjoying being back at work...everything annoys me, especially the business manager who I would like to thump, very hard, right in her face...she has to be the single most incompassionate piece of work I've ever come across...it was the tea money the other week and this week it transpires that she has deducted a days pay for the day Nige had his ascites drained. Needless to say, I have challenged this, got the money reimbursed and received an apology....but seriously...grrrrr!


Anyway...ironing won't do itself and the child needs her uniform for tomorrow...


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Quite a nasty bad patch V. You and Phoebe will go through all these patches but not necessarily at the same time. Which is good, in a way, because you could help her through her meltdown when she needed you.


Nice of the 'mums' to help keep you occupied while Phoebe is away. It's healthy for kids to do stuff on their own but must be terribly hard when you've never been apart. I feel really sorry for you and wish I could find comforting words. The next time she does something independently you will find it easier to cope - of course everything gets easier in time, but that's no consolation now, is it ?


Best love V, thinking of you and Phoebe.

Mo xxxx

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You have every right to feel maudlin Veema. I can relate to that deep deep sense of sadness. As for the business manager....well, you'd think she'd have a little more sense, silly woman. Try not to think much farther than the next day ahead at this stage. Is there someone you could go stay with or have stay with you when Phoebe's away if being on your own will be too hard for you?


Much love xx

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Justamo, what are you like, give her a double dose that's what I say lol

V I hope Phoebe has a great time, and that its not too hard for you take care love sandrax xx

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Absolutely with you on the feeling dreadful yesterday V, serious weepathon for me again. It comes out of nowhere and simply will not stop. To be honest I can't be bothered trying to stop it. Hymns and particularly the words mean a lot to me ( I was a chorister for many years) and when O valiant hearts came up I was lost. All the weeping yesterday has given me a thunderous headache so I am popping paracetamol and, very unusually for me, a glass of sherry.


The sherry is in aid of my dear friend and elderly neighbour who died yesterday evening, (like I said, it was a horrible day) she enjoyed rather more gin and sherry than was good for her but then she did live to 93 so it can't have done her that much harm! The only good thing about yesterday was that I did see her. I was told that she was in a coma but she opened her eyes for me and we had a cuddle and said farewell so today I am toasting her with her favourite tipple and as my daughter says, "if you are going to dirty a glass…"


This manager woman needs taking aside and when your blood is up I think you are just the person to do it. It's not an acceptable way to communicate. I always enjoyed upward appraisals and consider it a very valuable exercise for all managers to have their subordinates appraise them. Of course I soon put a stop to it when I was in charge hahaha. Just think that this lady provides a nice focus for your anger on bad days :)


Now, what to do with you while Phoebe is away? Sounds like you could do with a DIY party, that way you get company and your shelves put up. Go and stay with a friend or get them round for a meal and sleep over. Do something different so you are not fretting all the time. Yes, finish the bear, how is he coming along? Most of all don't be lonely, we are all hanging around feeling a bit useless and will be here if you want us, and even if you don't.


Big loves darling V,


M xxxx

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It's next week she's away...I've just taken her and bought her a new computer...her laptop was so slow and old...I gave the lads some money and ordered myself a new car, so she deserved something...at least she's tidying her desk now, so every cloud has a silver lining and all that.


Bear is at the point where the joints need to go in, but the joints seem to be too big for it, but I've took the pattern off a kit bear a friend had and the joints were part of the kit so must be the right size...also think I'll have to finish the holes the joints go through so they don't fray? I don't like the eyes with the kit either, so need to get some others.


So sorry to hear about your neighbour Marmalade...I might have a sherry in her honour...I'm partial to a sherry.


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Veema, it is hard when they go away isn't it but we know it is good for them and phoebe will probably enjoy stepping away from it all. I have not had either of mine come back from a trip unhappy but I think it is a boy thing when they come back wearing the same clothes! (I have checked with other parents.. mine are not the only ones)


I am sorry Phoebe had a break down in emotions but I am sure it will not be the last time. Everything you write about her just tells us what an amazing lovely child she is and it was bound to happen. Life is rotten at times but life must (and will) go on. And going on the trip is part of her journey and you finding some other things to occupy your mind is part of yours. It sucks but the week will be gone before you know it and onward you will go.


You say about sitting on your own and hating it... have you looked at hobbies or courses beyond making bears? Something that gets you out of the house and with people. Your local Council should have some adult continuing education courses that range from pottery through to physics (and your local college). Perhaps there is something for you among that. I have been not only doing the couch to 5k (yes still more couch but let's not dwell) but there are some posh cookery courses in MK that I am about to dive into I hope. It is sort of nice now the kids are getting older to be able to do more of these things. I know your life plan was horribly quelled but perhaps dipping your toes into new things may give a different sense of purpose for you. You know I am an opinionated soul so just bat me away if I am annoying.


I think sorting out Christmas is another whole new ball game here for everyone on different fronts but yes, it must be sorted for phoebe. So many, like you, have to deal with that first Christmas without our love ones and so many wondering if it will be the last with ours. But the show must go on.


My partners mum died of cancer yesterday. How could cancer never have touched my life and now it is just bloody everywhere.


As for the business manager.. there are just a lot of not very nice people in the world. I am sure she was probably like this before but the feelings are exacerbated under the circumstances. Are you an LA school... perhaps raise a grievance?


Stay strong lovely...

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I used to do pottery classes with my mum...our local college has scaled back on recreational courses as they don't get funding anymore, so the courses are too expensive. I couldn't do it anyway as can't leave Phoebe...I've loads of craft projects on the go, but have little interest in anything at the minute...can't even follow a TV programme! I've been invited to the Ladies Circle craft evening, but just don't want to be around people I don't know, so think I'll give it a miss...I just want to be at home.


So sorry about your partners mum DG...I think the whole world seems to have cancer...it's everywhere. My Auntie started her chemo this week, but the GP receptionist annoyed her at the mention of Macmillan getting involved...I just hope she makes it to Christmas or it will be a nightmare.


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Nothing wrong with home V, it's where I feel least vulnerable too. DG is however right about going out and about a bit and doing new things, maybe just one new thing might be a start when you are ready.


This week has been awful, I don't know if it was the remembrance thing or just everything catching up and I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to go out and socialise, the slightest pressure sends me into a spin. We are just mourning, treading water while we recover and it will take as long as it takes.


I try and get lost in family history stuff which I have been doing for 20 years, ours and other peoples. It's a diversion but not very social so, when I am stronger I am thinking of volunteering at our local theatre (very small) as they always seem to want people to sell programmes or collect tickets or man the bar or tea stall. Only a few productions a year and all ages are involved. The big advantage is that they don't know me so we can talk about something other than the usual…


Love to you beautiful V xxx

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V's thread brings me down to earth with a bang. It's a reminder of why I am on this forum in the first place. I daresay it was carefully timed, but the Cancer Awareness Week and the Remembrance Ceremonies all coming at the same time are a bit much for me to handle.


Try Googling the Thomas Hood poem 'November'. It just about sums it all up.


BUT - once the days lengthen again, after what will be a very difficult Christmas, things may look up a little for you V. If they don't, ask for help. If stuffing a Teddy floats your boat, embrace it. If you want to try something new, do it. I did an OU short course on Law. Loved it, and passed well. There might be something on the OU syllabus you'd like to try. The only reason I'm not taking it further is that it's expensive, and it was a toss up between OU or Gym Membership, couldn't do both.


Pigging cancer is like a plague now. I was at the funeral of a 22 year old on Saturday. That really shakes your faith


Take care V, we share your sadness.

Love, Mo

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Nah...I don't want to do any more studying...I have more qualifications than you can shake a stick at...HND in Building Studies, degree in Quantity Surveying, City & Guilds AutoCAD, City & Guilds Photography, Cake Decorating levels 1, 2 & 3, Supporting Teaching & Learning levels 2 & 3, various recreational stuff, advanced ceramics...blah blah blah amongst the standard O and A levels.


I'm fine really...I've never been one for going out, it was always about family for us...I like messing around on my computer, doing a bit of crochet, that sort of stuff. I've felt a lot better today and Phoebe has been happier...she had a friend for tea tonight and quite proudly showed the girl her dad in the urn...ha ha...she's excited about going away for the week, I really hope she'll be OK...one of the other TAs is her group leader and he says he'll text me every night to let me know how she is and he says she can ring me if she wants to.


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V, I just saw that you crotchet, I have seen a crotchet reindeer in a shop window and fell in love with it, it makes me laugh because it's sitting and looks ever so slightly drunk (I was going to put another word but thought I may get edited) anyway, I went in only to find its a kit and I don't crochet!!!! Do you fancy it? Might keep you from fretting about your baby.


So pleased you are feeling better, ups and downs eh?


Love ya, M xx

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