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When no one understands


Guest Fifi
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I read on here people that have a lot of support and love from their partners, but what happens when you don't get that love and support?

I don't feel that I have that with my partner. He sighs when I mention my dad. He huffs and puffs when we go and visit him. He is unsupportive of how I feel. When I cry he says what now?

Both his parents are alive and well, so he has no idea how I feel. I just really don't know what to do. He is incredibly selfish anyway, but it is really showing right now.

I am absolutely heartbroken. I love my dad so very very much and I don't want this for him. I can't bare what he has. I can't bare what is going to happen to him and I can't bare that I'm going to lose him. I want to spend anytime I can with him. I shouldn't have to be worrying about what my boyfriend might say when I say I want to see my dad.

I want what so many people on here have. Wonderful, loving, supportive partners.

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Dear Fifi,

You post has made Paul and I so very sad. You are obviously a very lovely, giving person, and deserve lots of love in return. Do whatever you need to do now, and i really hope your boyfriend comes to his senses and is there for you.

Take care,

Nikki

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Thank you Nikki. It really angers me that I am even having to write this. If this was the other way round, I would do anything I could for both him and his parents. I couldn't imagine doing anything less.

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Hi Fifi


I'm sorry to hear this too. As Nikki says, just do what you need to do for your Dad. Can you get some support from elsewhere? I don't know why your boyfriend doesn't understand but I think some people just aren't good at standing in someone else's shoes. I imagine he is finding it difficult too and maybe might benefit from talking to someone himself.


Take care


Cathy


Xxx

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Thanks Cathy,


I think he just doesn't know what ti do with me, so he backs off, which then makes me angry. I guess I just want him to love me and let me talk about my dad 24/7. Which is what I want to do, maybe talking about him constantly is too much, but I just don't see it that way. There is nothing else I want to talk about or have interest in.


xx

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Of course all you want to talk about is your dad, this stuff consumes your life.


I don't know what the answer is but you really need someone you can rely for support through the hard times as well as the good times.


I hope he can come to realise how important your dad is to you and be the man you want him to be.


Love

Julia x

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Hi Fifi,


Really sorry to hear your partner is being so unsupportive. I lost my dad in Nov last year and saw him everyday from diagnosis until he sadly lost his battle, 11 weeks later. My advise to you is spend as much time with your dad as you can as you will never get this time back. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn't know what to say, I know my husband didn't but I don't think he realised that my dad had such little time left until he was given days/ weeks to live. Your relationship with your dad is very special so let the tears out and talk about him as much as you want, we are all on here to support each other. I still cry for my dad every day and can't accept that he's gone

Julie x

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Thank you Julie and Julia.


You are both so right. My dad and my boyfriend fell out about 4 years ago. It has been tough. They made up when my dad was in hospital. This was my worst nightmare. I do not want to lose anymore time with my dad. I absolutely adore him, he is the greatest man in my life and I love him with all my heart. I live 90 minutes away and I do not drive. I have thought about leaving my job and Paul and moving in with my dad.

Julie, I too suffer with anxiety and when I had the phone call to say my dad was being admitted, my legs gave way and my world crumbled right there. I have never had a normal conversation with my dad since. I think when my dad tries to be normal, I see his mind wandering off and when I do, well, I just feel so guilty and selfish.

I desperately love my dad and I seem to miss him more and more, and cannot wait until the next time I see him. My heart literally hurts from yearning to see him.

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Oh Fifi

Please just be there for your Dad my daughter came to every appointment with me and her Dad and all me and her wanted to do was talk about him,

my son handled the situation in a more quite mood so I suppose men are different , their Dad passed away 8 weeks after diagnose but I have to say my son -in - law and daughter-in-law really came into their own after my hubby passed away and were so helpful so don't be to hard on your BF perhaps he really don't know what to do or say

Stay strong

EmmaR x

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Thank you Emma,


Maybe you are right. He isn't used to my new found temper and outbursts, so guess he doesn't really know what to do with me.


xx

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Hi Fifi

I know this is a generalisation but men are 'fixers' and sometimes get very unsettled and frustrated when faced with their partner wanting to talk about an emotional time like the one you're going through. My advice, for what it's worth, would be to continue to see your dad as much as you can and stop talking to your bf about it. Talk to others. That will take the pressure off him and you'll perhaps get a bit of calm in your relationship if nothing else. You can take decisions about your relationship sometime in the future when life is not in such turmoil. Or maybe you can move in with your dad on a temporary basis (without the added factor of leaving your bf). Am thinking about you.

x

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Thank you Didge.


Very difficult. I don't feel that I should have to be worried about him at a time like this. He only takes me over to my dad once a fortnight. The rest of the time I go on the train. When we got back from my dads today, I thanked him for taking me and said are you still ok to keep taking me. He said " yes for now". What does for now mean? I went mad then. I really feel that he is waiting for the worse so he doesn't have to take me anymore. I'm so angry with him. He's so selfish it's unreal.


He got on so well with my dad today, they were laughing together like nothing was wrong. Thats good for my dad as I can't seem to do that.


I don't think I am asking too much of him to drive me over once every 2 week.

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Hi Fifi ,


I know it is hard not to vent at your bf. It's not unusual to vent anyway at those nearest to us. Are you worried about him? Or just angry? I know we women tend to analyse every word in relationships and you are picking up every perceived wrong word. You know they say we can never change others, only ourselves. If you can manage to try not to 'engage' with your bf for a while, be polite, don't read anything into his words like 'for now'. Just take everything at face value, be polite. Try it. You may well find he'll change the way he relates to you if you can do that. I do hope things improve. I know that often people talk about counselling and how so many of us say, rightly, 'we haven't time for that'. But if there is someone you can talk to who is out of the equation a bit, then use them.

x

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Morning Didge,


I'm angry at him. I expected him to be more supportive. He is all I have. My mum lives too far away and I don't have any friends or other family. Just Paul. Then he throws words out like that, at a time like this. I am incredibly angry. My dad means the world to me and I am struggling so much with what is happening. I'm not a strong person at the best of times.

Like my dad says, I'm still a little girl ( even at 35 )


Leila xx

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I know you're angry. But if you can just try not to vent at him it might make your life easier. If you can't, you can't! We are soon off for chemo today, my bf's dose has just been halved as he can't tolerate the normal dose so we'll have to see if he can take the new amount. But we are pretty stable otherwise so I do feel for you in your situation. I am thinking of you x

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I will try. I will give my mum a call this morning and vent at her instead!

Pleased you are with your boyfriend, I know it is difficult for you both to see each other. I hope he gets on ok with it. I know it can be distressing when you can't take the full amount, my dads was lowered by 25%and he found that tough at accept. Please let me know how you both get on today. Good luck.


xx

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Hi both,


I know it's hard when the chemo is reduced but from what I understand it really doesn't make much or any difference and far better to not feel so yucky by continuing to have a dose that might be too much.


Leila, I think it would be good for you to find someone independent to talk to, particularly as you don't feel your bf is being supportive and that you aren't surrounded by other people you can talk to. If nothing else it will help you verbalise how you feel and get things off your chest. Sometimes just writing things down can help. A thing some people suggest is to write a letter to someone to tell them how you feel but don't send the letter.


Best of luck both of you with the appointments today.


Cathy xxx

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Thanks Cathy. It was a wasted journey. They are proposing 50% dose but his blood wasn't good enough even for that. It has now been 3 weeks since chemo and will be 4 if they manage to restart next week. And good idea to write stuff down to vent. So many relationships break down in intolerable situations which is sad. If they need to go, they need to go, but so much better in a calmer more rational time than the times many of us here are going through. How are you coping now, Cathy? x

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Didge; Has your boyfriends tumour markers come down at all? I was told there was some kind of injection that they can have if the bloods don't right themselves. I don't know anything about it because they said it is only a last resort. Have this mentioned this to you?


Cathy; Thank you i do write a lot down in my diary. He has been better these last few days, I will see how he is nearer the time we go to my dads.


My dad was tested for VIPoma on Monday. Don't get the results for 3 to 4 week. His oncologist just keeps telling him to take more creon, my dad says he will soon be taking a bottle a day. He was able to have a reduced dose of chemo on Tuesday, and they also told him that they think he is on the real trial drug.


xx

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