A forum for family, friends and carers of pancreatic cancer patients

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I feel like a fraud posting

Postby Vikingv » Tue Nov 21, 2017 1:38 am

I suppose I’m suffering from survivors guilt......and that’s before we’ve lost hin. You see my Dad was diagnosed with this vicious disease two weeks ago and it’s terminal. I’m heartbroken. He’s survived two other types of cancer and it’s this one that will get him. The one that has virtually no symptoms, the one who’s survival rates haven’t changed in decades.
I’m angry, I’m lost but most of all I feel a fraud for feeling like this because it’s not happening to me it’s happening to him

I can’t even cry into the cat as another lady has done, as mine is at that unsociable teenage stage.....clearly I need a dog.

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Re: I feel like a fraud posting

Postby Dandygal76 » Tue Nov 21, 2017 10:10 am

I dare say you have come to the right place and we can compensate massively for moody cats - we have put up with Boris all this time!

You are not a fraud - that terminal diagnosis was (and still is) the most devastating moment in my life, way beyond anything that happened subsequently. It is not just happening to him (although I get what you mean), it is happening to all of you and it is a life changing event for everyone.

It will get easier and we have all gone through the anticipatory grief process way before we lose them. You do not say how long they have said or if treatment is offered? What I can tell you is we still had wonderful, lovely and funny times with dad after that terminal diagnoses that I treasure. To start with I didn't think any of us would smile again... but we did.

Obviously it is up to you but I am not sure a dog is the right decision now unless you have someone at home to be with him - I am glad I waited because they can be a tie and you need to be there for dad. I nearly did get one earlier though.

Much love.

DG x

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Re: I feel like a fraud posting

Postby Wife&Mum » Tue Nov 21, 2017 11:05 am

Welcome to the forum Vikingv but I’m so sorry that you find yourself here.

As DG says, there is nothing fraudulent about your feelings at this horrible time, you’re entitled to feel whatever you feel, and it won’t help you or your Dad if you beat yourself up about it. Easier said than done though.

Hoping you’re able to share many many lovely times ahead with your Dad, as DG did with hers.

W&M xx

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Re: I feel like a fraud posting

Postby Justamo » Tue Nov 21, 2017 7:37 pm

Dear Vik,

(a) You are not a fraud. This forum is for family, friends and carers. The clue is in the title. Welcome to Planet PC.

(b) None of us actually WANT to be eligible to post on this forum, but we are and we do. And it's been a lifesaver for most of us.

(c) All cats are permanently going through that awkward bolshie teenage stage even when they're 20. (Boris is 6 and a bit and has Attitude).

(d) Don't get a dog. Yet.

So sorry to hear about your Dad. Yes, it's a ghastly disease but there will be good days and before very long you will recognise them and enjoy them. Please feel completely free to have a rant on here any time you want - somebody is nearly always awake - and we are unshockable.

You are most welcome to this forum, and we look forward to hearing more from you. How old is Dad ? Do you have other family support apart from the stroppy cat ?

Best wishes Vik
Love from Mo

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Re: I feel like a fraud posting

Postby 9ham » Mon Dec 18, 2017 8:28 pm

I understand your fraudulent guilt-feeling. People tell me to 'let it go', or 'you deserve to feel like that'. But knowing that your loved-one feels worse makes you feel as if you should make your feelings insignificant. I think there's hope in finding an outlet for your early grief. Whether it's shouting at the trees, painting in only black or sobbing on a friend. I have no doubt that you are strong for your Dad at the moment. He will appreciate that, but I am sure he will also want to know that you're angry because you love him. If you can talk through your anger with him, I am sure that he will reassure you and you might feel a little better. Best wishes.