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Marmalade

Re: Hello

Postby Marmalade » Fri Jun 16, 2017 9:24 pm

Dearest Vee,

I am so very sorry for your loss. You did such a good job and really and truly he had the best of care from you and you achieved his wish to pass at home, a good wife to the end. You have done your stuff and now the twilight time where there are things to organise and people around you and the sense that nothing is real. My dearest Vee, the only thing I can say is that many of us know this feeling and others that may follow and we are here as always, walking beside you. I send prayers for Allan that he, a good man, may rest in peace and that you may know comfort and have courage.

Much love Vee, Marmalade xxxx

Wife&Mum
Posts: 397
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:12 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Wife&Mum » Fri Jun 16, 2017 9:57 pm

Dear Vee
My thoughts are with you and I send you my sincere condolences for the loss of your dear Allan. Wishing you strength and comfort,
Much love, W&M xx

Veebee
Posts: 93
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:31 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Veebee » Sat Jun 17, 2017 7:38 am

Good morning friends....your words are a comfort. Marmalade, once again, your words are spot on. It is a twilight time and a perfect way to describe this feeling. Yesterday was a day of a houseful of relatives, weeping brothers, weeping daughters , my elder sister telling me what I'll feel, what I need to do and what I shouldn't do ( she's been widowed twice and feels she's an authority on the subject but I'm afraid I snapped and swore at her but, to her credit, she let it ride). She means well but she can be overbearing at times. The GP came with the form for the certificates and the DN came to log the controlled drugs before they go back to the chemist. Lots of phone calls, text messages and a houseful of people made it a strange day where I felt disconnected from it all. I was relieved when they'd all gone home....my sister wanted to stay but I insisted I needed to be alone to sit in the quiet and process everything. I took a sleeping tablet and slept for 10 hours and the tears have come this morning, as I thought they would. They can run all day for me , slow and steady. Tears for a man who would have been fishing today or we'd have had a walk and called into the local for a few drinks or we'd be gardening in the sun or we'd have been at his favourite spot on the East coast but this damned cancer made all this impossible and has done for too long and it turned him from a well built, healthy cheerful person into a frail old man who wanted to die. Thank you for listening. Your quiet support is a comfort. Writing how I feel to people I've never met is cathartic. Much love Vee xxx

Veema
Posts: 503
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Veema » Sat Jun 17, 2017 8:11 am

Nige's sister was my authority on 'what to do when ones husband dies' and 'how to be a widow'...best dealt with early on, so even though you swore...you did the right thing.

Take time for yourself and to cry for your man.

Vx

patrigib
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:53 pm

Re: Hello

Postby patrigib » Sat Jun 17, 2017 8:40 am

Sincere condoleances, very sorry for uou.

Proud Wife
Posts: 733
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Hello

Postby Proud Wife » Sat Jun 17, 2017 10:16 am

I am so very sorry to hear your news Vee. I am strangely at a loss for words. Allan's passing was very similar to my hubby's and I can relate exactly to the feeling of calm at the moment, probably because his suffering is no longer. Wishing you strength for the coming days and sending you masses of hugs.

Lots of love
PW xx

Elaine123
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2016 6:49 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Elaine123 » Sun Jun 18, 2017 11:12 pm

Dear Vee I came on to see if there was any posts from you only to find Allen has passed , no matter how we know the inevitable we cannot quite believe that the end will come. I also felt that calm coming over me , I think we take on full responsibility for their survival and try so hard to make them better and go about trying everything we can to prolong their life but once they are gone that 24/7 urgency is no longer needed and can only then allow ourselves to feel calm. I am glad you had the family with you and Vee I am so glad you shut down your sisters advice to you. Only you will know how you feel and what decisions you will make in the coming days. At the minute I can imagine everything is going on round about you and you probably feel that everything seems unreal. Like you the support from your forum friends seemed so comforting as I felt it was only them that really understood how I was feeling and the journey Pete and I had to get to that point in time. I will be thinking of you all over the coming days and please keep in touch Vee. Hugs X
Elaine
Xx

Marmalade

Re: Hello

Postby Marmalade » Mon Jun 19, 2017 7:59 am

Hello Vee,

I know that many come on here and revisit each post when their loved one dies. I think we think feeling the hurt is better than feeling nothing. Anyway, I thought it might be nice for you to find a fellow traveller here and thinking about you if you do drop by in the next few days.

There is no proper way to grieve, no time limit and no one can tell how another will react or cope so your response was absolutely ok.

I hope you are able to rest when you need it and that the sun shining strong will give you strength and comfort.

M xxx

Proud Wife
Posts: 733
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Hello

Postby Proud Wife » Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:33 am

What a lovely post Marmalade.

I'm here too Vee, thinking of you x

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Justamo » Mon Jun 19, 2017 6:29 pm

You just came into my mind Vee, and I've re-read a couple of your posts. In a strange way it's easier to pour your heart out to friends that you haven't met yet rather than kith and kin, no matter how expert they may be on the subject of grief.

I think that everyone who has offered an opinion has said that there is no formula to follow. You have a perfect right to feel how you like, when you like.

And if you want to swear at somebody go right ahead and do it. And if you want some new words I'll let you speak to Peter; he really is an expert.

Thinking of you (and others).
Much love
Mo

Veebee
Posts: 93
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:31 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Veebee » Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:32 am

Hello once again.....it's been a hectic week as you will realise. My daughters and son have transported me to the places we needed to go to make arrangements, drop off certificates and to sort out as far as we can most things that have to be done. Let me tell you what I did....Some of you may think it's penny pinching and some will agree with it..I know that Allan would have agreed. The local funeral home which took Allan is where I arranged the funeral. They are run by the Co-operative society. I hadn't been home long when a neighbour came with a card and she asked who was directing the funeral....she hesitated and told me that another funeral directors which is a family firm and in the locality were far cheaper. I made a phone call and they will do the very same funeral for £1200 less. I cancelled the first one, the new funeral director liaised with the original one and collected Allan and transported him to their chapel of rest. I'll lose some money but the saving will more than pay for the reception. It meant making arrangements twice but as it was cancelled within hours of arranging the first one the obituary hadn't been sent to the local paper. I'd be interested to hear your views on this. I have enough money because we have plenty of savings but it's still a substantial sum of money to me.

In myself I'm not too bad...just a very sad, heavy feeling and weeping on and off. I've made myself get up and go to the supermarket this morning for supplies of fresh food. The family continue to be stalwarts and have made lists etc for things still to be done, cooked meals and generally been here for me. I'm blessed to have such a good family and good friends and the wonderful people on this forum.

Much love Vee xxxx


ThankYou

Veema
Posts: 503
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Veema » Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:48 am

It doesn't matter how much money you have, £1200 is still £1200 and that is better in your pocket. I'd considered the Co-op for Nige's funeral, but went with a local family firm because they looked like the Adamms family on their website photo...I thought this was really funny, so chose them. They were fab...nothing was too much trouble...I'd wanted the co-op because they had silver cars...but my chap went out of his way and borrowed some silver cars (which were brand new) from a colleague. I'm sure Allan's funeral will be just perfect...and if he'd have agreed with the change, then that's all good too.

Your feelings will be all over the place Vee...you'll swing from being upbeat and getting on, to being totally and utterly bereft...and all that comes in between. I think the important thing to remember is that it's okay to feel however it is that you're feeling...that grief affects people in different ways. You come across as a sensible, get on with it, sort of lady...I think you'll be fine...and if you're not, you just have to shout.

Much love

Vx

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Justamo » Fri Jun 23, 2017 12:26 am

Vee , if saving £1200 is penny pinching then we're all penny pinchers !

Incidentally, my Dad always used to say that the person who sent the biggest wreath had the biggest conscience. On the morning of his funeral a huge mountain of flowers arrived from my sister in New Zealand (who hadn't even sent him a birthday card in 40 years) while i nipped out to the garden, picked some flowers, and tied them up with string. The floral art was disposed of, and the hand tied bunch of daisies with a card saying "Cheerio my Old China" accompanied the coffin. That's what he always called me.

I know which tribute he would have been most pleased with.

I think you have done the right thing. Good for you. Of course, you could always ask the sister who is an expert on grief . . .

Much love
Mo x

Veebee
Posts: 93
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:31 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Veebee » Tue Jun 27, 2017 10:25 am

Hello all....can I ask if anyone paid for a 2nd opinion before the final diagnosis? When Allan was ill at the beginning of last year he was diagnosed with bladder cancer but he still had upper abdominal pain which was investigated but nothing was found, so he was treated for vasculitis of the arteries in his abdomen. I've been reliving his illness, as I'm sure you've all done, and I wanted him to pay for a 2nd opinion last Spring but he refused. I'm now beating myself up because I'm thinking that if he'd have done what I wanted and not been so stubborn then the cancer may have been found sooner and would have been operable.

Love Vee xxx

Veema
Posts: 503
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Hello

Postby Veema » Tue Jun 27, 2017 12:13 pm

Oh Vee...

We didn't, but didn't need to, Nige was diagnosed quickly and he had the surgery...he still died.

You're going through a phase of wondering what you could have done to keep him with you longer...I bet we've all done it...I know I did...what if we hadn't gone on holiday...what if they had changed the chemo earlier...what if we hadn't had a load of locum oncologists...what if I'd prayed that little bit harder.

It may have made a difference if Allan had been diagnosed earlier, but the chances are it wouldn't have done, you'll never know. The thing you need to hold onto is that you did the very best you could with the information you had.

Try not to beat yourself up lovely...hard as it is, it doesn't change the here and now...it will just make you feel even morebloidy miserable than you already do.

Huge hugs...its so bloody hard isn't it.

Love Vx