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Dandygal76
Posts: 736
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Dandygal76 » Thu Feb 01, 2018 11:38 pm

It is a very surreal time after the funeral Mo... I have been reading everything but we are wobbling coming up to dad's year anniversary and I don't want to say the wrong thing which I can do when a bit emotional.

It is humbling to see so many come to say goodbye and people you have not met. I also had the 'do not touch me' thing. My best friends came up to me as we went into the crematorium (no church service) and those were my exact words.

Sometimes you have moments of wanting to write and sometimes you just can't.. we have all been there but please know that we are with you the whole way as you wander the path back to some sort of normality.

Much love

xxx

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Mon Feb 05, 2018 6:00 pm

I have coped with nearly everything, including funeral, solicitor, clearing cupboards etc, but was totally defeated last night by a half-empty tube of Nivea, and had to stop being efficient for an hour while I sat and howled.

And today I went out to buy some bread and a few oranges and bought a car instead.

Will post properly soon. Love, Mo

patrigib
Posts: 38
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:53 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby patrigib » Mon Feb 05, 2018 7:05 pm

Mo,
You don't need to be "efficient", or a "soldier" anymore. You just have to be nice to yourself ( and Boris).
Howl whenever you need, spoil Boris and yourself. Hope the car is nice.
Hugs
Pat

Veema
Posts: 468
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Mon Feb 05, 2018 8:35 pm

It's funny what sets us off...but it's okay to howl. I went round all last week wearing Nige's aftershave that I found at the back of the bathroom cupboard when I was clearing out for my new bathroom being fitted...bet everyone thought I was a lesbian (his lesbian ex-wife used to wear aftershave). I did chuck out his pile cream though!

I bought a car after Nige died too...and so did my mum after my dad died...must be the thing to do! What did you get?

Huge hugs

Vx

Dandygal76
Posts: 736
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Dandygal76 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:26 pm

Yes V - it seems to be moving house or cars on the whole. For my mum she had posh paving put out the front. Whatever it takes to get us through.

I did not have the cream thing but I had emergency stashes of creon eveywhere... pockets, car, little pots in the cupboard. I even found some just weeks ago (I must clean more!). My mum cried a few weeks back as we sorted out the garage and shed for the sheer number of pencils we found (he always said we had moved them and could not find where he put them)

Whenever you are ready Mo. Can you believe it will be a year on the 9th Feb that we lost dad? Where does the time go.

Much love

xx

Quickasyoucan
Posts: 112
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2017 10:06 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Quickasyoucan » Thu Feb 08, 2018 9:31 am

Mo, I hope you are doing ok. I know the weather is bitter in Kent where we hail from so I hope you and B are not snowed in.
As DG says time goes fast 23 Feb is the day I lost Jake and 24 I flew to the uk to see Dad.
Life keeps going but I still miss them both every day.
When you feel ready would love news of Boris. Btw what colour is he just so I can picture him in his sleeping bag xx

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Thu Feb 08, 2018 9:57 pm

I was prepared for the huge gap in my life, and for the tiredness and misery of arranging the funeral and so on.

But nobody told me about the general incompetence of the major utility companies. I've been on the phone nearly all day talking about broadband, gas and electricity. I was tired of it after 15 minutes, but had to keep going. As soon as I sorted out a broadband deal and put the phone down, someone from the same company phoned me and completely contradicted what the first person had said. And don't even let me get started on energy companies.

I'm going to have a stiff drink and a little lie down now. If you don't hear from me again it's because the phone has been cut off and I'm living in the dark.

Would anybody like a stuffed meerkat?
Love, Mo

PS - Quickly, Boris is a red-and-white point Siamese, which means that he's creamy coloured all over, and red and white around the edges. If you want to join his fan club it's £1000 a year and you get a free photo on his birthday.

Quickasyoucan
Posts: 112
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2017 10:06 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Quickasyoucan » Fri Feb 09, 2018 9:04 am

Mo, if dad were alive he would regale you with tales of incompetent utilities after mum died. Even the funeral home stuffed up and sent the donations to the wrong charity and we had to ask for them back!!
How did I not know Boris was cat royalty? A siamese, all your tales fall into place now. He sounds v handsome. And a thousand pounds sounds like a steal! My pets currently consist of 2 'real' pleather dog doorstops. That's all the responsibility I can handle for now! Sending you courage in your administration battles xx

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Didge » Fri Feb 09, 2018 2:07 pm

Sounds familiar. All those years ago when First man died I phoned mortgage company and duly received suitable condolences and thanks for notifying etc and said they would write. They then proceeded to charge me an extra month because I hadn’t notified them and refused to back down. I finally tracked down the letter they’d written at our previous address. You’d think they’d know the address of the property they’d given the mortgage on! So yes sadly these things are a real battle and new methods of communication don’t seem to have made any inroads on stupidity! X

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Sat Feb 24, 2018 12:39 pm

It's not that I'm not speaking, it's just that I am trying to find a new normal. There must be a normal somewhere and I daresay it will take a couple of years to find it. Meantime I am dealing with things as they happen.

My new car is nice. It's small and white and buzzes about with me in it quite happily. It was a relief to trade in Peter's car; I didn't like driving it very much and it was very long, being an estate car. He'd has the rear windows tinted extra heavily because of carrying golf clubs around and reversing it was challenging and liable to attract an appreciative audience in Tesco's car park. A bit like squeezing the QE2 into a small parking space. Anyway, I traded it in, along with my little Citroen C1, and now I've got something a bit bigger than the C1 and a lot newer. Having worked in the motor trade for 50 years I can't really get enthusiastic about cars, but it goes and stops at more or less the right moments so that's alright.

Despite knowing that it's silly to make major decisions immediately after a bereavement I have decided that I must sell the house. I am waiting for the Will to be finalised (takes a while in Scotland, because no matter what you leave and to whom, the deceased's children are legally entitled to one third of the moveable estate. It's called Ad Legitim). So I'm not sure how much money I will have, and in any case this house is too big for one person. The garden, which I have lovingly tended for 40 years, is becoming a burden too. The utility bills are high (although they should get lower now that I have changed suppliers). Perhaps I read too many Women's Weeklies at the outpatients clinics, but I yearn for somewhere 'cosy'.

I've decided to remain on the Golf Tournament Committee for another year to see how it goes. Despite never having played golf in my life I was co-opted onto the Committee about 10 years ago because I could type (allegedly) and because I am very bossy and Get Things Done. It also means that the rest of the Committee can go off to the bar and talk about Important Golf Things and leave me in solitary splendour in the office to get on with the admin work. It was a struggle last year because Peter was poorly, but if I don't continue I think there is going to be a great big gap in my year.

I was advised not to refuse any invitations, so when I was asked out for supper by my last employer I went. It was nice to talk about past times, and dish the dirt on other staff and recall some of the more ridiculous things that happened during our time there. I've also managed swimming nearly every day, it's good to see the girls again and they are so kind and understanding. Several of them are widows too, so they know how I'm feeling.

I felt ready to clear Peter's room and get rid of lots of clothes, so that's what I did. I also gave the room a proper clean by moving out the furniture and getting into corners. Peter couldn't abide anybody 'fiddling about' while he was poorly - quite understandable. I have never been the house-wifey type, but I did get some satisfaction from a clean and tidy room and well-polished furniture. My step-son has taken all Peter's DVDs and CDs; Peter and I had very different tastes, so I'm happy about that. I also gave him Peter's photograph albums (mostly army, climbing and skiing) and his Dad's wedding ring and presentation gold watch for enduring the same employer for 30 years.

So I have continued the theme by unloading lots of bits and pieces that I don't want. It will make down-sizing easier, and while I'm in the mood why not ?

I think I experienced raw grief and anger when Peter was diagnosed. This is a different kind of grief.

It's good to touch base with Planet PC.

Love, Mo

Sandiemac
Posts: 66
Joined: Tue May 10, 2016 10:27 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Sandiemac » Sat Feb 24, 2018 3:28 pm

That's exactly it, Mo - the new normal. I am still establishing mine. I have been occupied doing admin too and have just received the Grant of Probate. I have also done 2 Powers of Attorney,
Health and Financial, so just some i-dotting and t-crossing and then I have to find something to
occupy myself, apart from going on holiday! It's an excellent idea to stay involved with the Golf
committee, something else to think about.

The grief thing hits at odd times and in funny ways. I don't think it will ever go away. I find the
evenings the worst and first thing in the morning when I wake up. I don't have a Boris - that's a
step much too far!

Please feel free to contact me via the office if you would like to.
Much love, Sandie

Veema
Posts: 468
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Sat Feb 24, 2018 10:14 pm

I too yearn for some cosy little cottage. Phoebe and I are rumbling around in a large 4 bed detached with a sizeable garden...but I just don't have it in me to uproot her, this is the only home she's ever known and it's paid for, so it'll do for now.

You sound as if you're bumbling along ok, Mo...

Vx

Veebee
Posts: 93
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:31 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veebee » Sun Feb 25, 2018 10:57 am

Hi Mo you seem to be doing OK adjusting to your new life. That's how I described it to a friend when Allan died...."a strange, new life". Not one we want but we have no choice in the matter. You've done well to keep exercising every day. I was like Snow White at first and cleaned and polished, rearranged furniture and painted the kitchen. Then I stopped and seemed to spend most of my days just sitting and thinking and only doing the bare minimum. I got very low and weepy and eventually went for anti depressants. I know they're not everyone's cup of tea and I've never had them before but they are helping. That awful heavy feeling has lifted somewhat. Anyway Mo, if you feel the need to have somewhere smaller and cosier, then do it. We don't have to live by the rule book.
Love Vee xxxx

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Sun Mar 04, 2018 1:51 pm

Yes, Veebee, it's a kind of Limbo time. I've almost cleared out his room, just a few clothes remaining. Every Christmas I used to buy him a flowery shirt, and I just couldn't make myself give them away or put them to a charity shop, so I've cut them up and will use the bits in some patchwork.

In fact, the whole duration of his illness felt like Limbo time. I knew what was coming; whether or not Peter knew was immaterial because for most of the time he steadfastly refused to acknowledge PC. It was almost as though it was me having to attend clinics, and he was accompanying me, instead of the other way round. On his way to the Hospice, in a fairly lucid moment, he asked me to do the agenda for a meeting which he was going to Chair in February.

I am still trying to find a routine; swimming from Monday to Friday is good, because otherwise I could go a whole week without speaking to anybody, and my friends at the pool couldn't be nicer. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to afford the membership, but Peter's pension scheme made a miniscule provision for me, so the subscription is covered and might even stretch to a season ticket for the big council-owned leisure centre as well, which offers classes in just about everything. Even line dancing (!). Or lap dancing, as an elderly friend used to say when asked what she did on Tuesday afternoons. My hard-working sewing machine has gone in for a much needed service, so I will be able to start doing alterations and stuff once it comes home again. I have had a couple of wall shrubs cut down by a young neighbour, and once the permafrost over the garden recedes a little I will need to ponce it up a bit for the sake of would-be purchasers once the house goes on the market.

Now I am shedding possessions at a fast rate of knots. With over 2000 books in my study it seemed sensible to cut them back a bit as my 'new' house (haven't even started looking yet, but it will be smaller) probably won't accommodate them. Lots of craft stuff has been advertised on Gumtree with varying levels of success. Peter's tools and equipment occupy a lot of space in the garage. I would prefer to shed them gradually rather than dump them because I'm forced to, so I've contacted a couple of local firms of electricians to see if they have apprentices who might like to come and take their pick.

I am so thankful that while Peter was feeling OK we did lots of things and re-visited all sorts of haunts from his youth. And because his activities as a youth were mostly outdoors (unlike mine, which were mostly ice rinks and shops) the mountains he climbed up or skied down are still there. And will continue to be there unless Kim Jong Thing gets an itchy finger and presses the button.

The major change so far has been to acknowledge that I'm on my own now. Except for Boris. Last night I tried to settle to watch TV and Boris spent the whole evening picking out toys from his toy box, bashing them up a bit, and depositing them in a large cardboard box on the other side of the room. It took a couple of hours. I need that box to post something in, so I'm hoping that tonight we can do the whole thing in reverse.

So I'll carry on marking time. It's odd not having anybody to look after.

Love, Mo

Veema
Posts: 468
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Sun Mar 04, 2018 2:21 pm

How strange...I was just about to email you and then up pops a post!

It's good to hear you are getting on with it. I wish I had half your motivation to declutter...my house is just full of rubbish. I got rid of Nige's stuff the week after he died, but my ability to hoard total rubbish is astounding. I'll be on one of those programmes soon, manically clasping an old bit of paper as if it were life itself!

Sounds like Boris is keeping you on your toes...I wish my dogs would put their toys in the box (any box) instead of covering the floor with them. My puppy is trying my patience somewhat, but is so flippin' cute I can't do anything but love him. The guinea pig has a huge growth on the side of his head (it's actually bigger than his head now), so there is an imminent trip to the vets to have him put to sleep...he's an old chap at 7 years (and a bit smelly too), but even though I know it's for the best, I just can't bring myself to do it.

Time goes on...it's 18 months this month since Nige died and it still feels like yesterday...but then it seems like a lifetime ago. I miss him more every day.

I'm off to sweep and mop the floors now (most boring job in the world, along with ironing, cooking, hoovering and well...just cleaning in general).

Chin up lovely...you're doing ok.

Vx