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Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Fri Jan 12, 2018 9:57 pm

If you're sick of me skip this post because it's just one of those "and then I got up and had a shower and then I went shopping" efforts.

I went to register Peter's death today, and hadn't realised that the nice lady that I speak to most days when she takes her little dog Brodie for a walk past my garden is actually the Registrar. She enquired after Boris and then it dawned on her that I was her 11 o'clock appointment.

So the business was done, and then I had to take Form number 3 million and 7 up to the undertaker, and then I could take the rest of the day off. So I tootled around for a bit, had a snack in KFC to save cooking and then came home and finalised the music for the Crematorium bit of the service. Then I wrote a brief biography - how do you condense 85 years into a couple of sheets of A4 ? - so it's all coming together. I've asked a friend to read out this biography and to add a few twizzles of his own, and then I asked another friend who is a venerable member of the golf club to prepare a few words on Peter's golfing life. Yet another friend is going to do a reading during the Mass, and it's all going well, except that I can't actually confirm the date for everything yet.

Our crematorium is so busy that it's best to give them 6 weeks' notice of when you are going to die if you can manage it. The undertaker booked the first available slot for 24th January at 13.00 and we are shoe-horning everything in around it. Except that the Priest who I want to celebrate the Requiem Mass is away on a jolly somewhere and won't be back for a couple of days. I thought they were meant to take a vow of Poverty ? Or is that Buddhists ? He's probably playing golf in the sun somewhere. At least the church is booked, and there is another Priest who I like very much who might oblige. All a bit unsettling, I'm such a control freak that I would really like to say Mass myself, except that it wouldn't count. However, once I've knocked them all into shape I'll be able to relax. The Catholic Church is full of elderly cradle Catholics like me who know how things should be done, and have no truck with trendy guitar-playing Priests who need a hair cut. Poor things must dread facing a row of us making notes on Sunday morning, especially if they are trying to get away with using last week's sermon. Once I feel a bit better I'll nip over to Rome and sort the Vatican out.

Time for bed now, I see that I was boring you all to death at 5 o'clock this morning, so it's been a long day.

Night.
Mo

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Didge » Sat Jan 13, 2018 8:15 am

I didn’t actually arrange Rob’s funeral. It was his step brother. They’re all Catholics and I’m a lapsed Methodist (no drinking or gambling was never going to work for me). Rob had given prior warning, having spent his entire life being very rude about the church, that he was going to inflict a full requiem mass in an abbey church on us. But hey, guess what, the priest was also sunning himself on holiday so we had to wait 3 weeks for him to come back and the only time that was available was in the middle of my holiday and while it was very nice for me to relax with family the first week, I had to leave during the second week leaving friends who had never met each other. Then on the very long journey straight to the funeral I heard that a very close friend had died. So all in all I think you’re doing splendidly to make all this progress so soon!

Veema
Posts: 497
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:10 am

There you see the Anglican funeral is all so much less complicated...have a chat to the vicar about the dead person, he comes up with a eulogy, choose a few hymns and a suitable reading, a nice venue and what you want on your butties and Bob's your uncle! Seriously though, I got some pleasure and comfort arranging the funeral.

Mo, you'll never bore us...we understand how important doing 'normal' things are...its good to hear that you are doing stuff...but it's ok to have a wallowing sort of day too, but I found they tended to come later on when reality kicks in. I reread my thread the night Peter died...it made me cry for all of us that have lost our loved ones...but it showed me the progress I've made to get to today...I still have rubbish days, but in the main Phoebe and I bumble along ok.

Vx
Last edited by Veema on Sat Jan 13, 2018 5:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Veebee
Posts: 93
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:31 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veebee » Sat Jan 13, 2018 12:06 pm

Your posts are never boring, Mo. I don't have a faith and neither did Allan. I sometimes wish I did believe but I find it extremely difficult to fathom and have come to the conclusion that I must be the heathen that my Grandma used to accuse me of being when I didn't want to go to church as a child. Therefore, his funeral contained no references to God but was handled sensitively by the funeral director and the "celebrant". I don't like that word, I wasn't celebrating, but all went to plan and my sister, who had known Allan for over 50 years said a few words too.
We had to wait almost 3 weeks before Allan could have his funeral because one of the 2 crematoria in our area was closed for repairs so I can sympathise with your having to wait. It's a limbo time as Marmalade once said, I think.

You're doing great Mo, keep on keeping on. Love Vee xxxx

patrigib
Posts: 41
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:53 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby patrigib » Sat Jan 13, 2018 6:57 pm

Hope you and Boris are well.
Hugs
Pat

Dandygal76
Posts: 746
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Dandygal76 » Sun Jan 14, 2018 10:48 am

I think you are all mad - it has to be Yorkshire Tea. Just when I thought I knew you all... whatever next!

We had to wait 4 weeks for dad's funeral. He died on the 9th of February and was cremated on the 8th March. I am not sure what influence it had that the only input I had to his funeral was that it needs to be afternoon so we can all raise a toast and be hungry so we could have the Wake that way.

Mo... we have bored each other for a long time now and neither of us minds I hope (Joke!). We love you and want to help you through this crap time otherwise Boris will be all alone and having to deal with it. I have become quite fond of Boris and would not want to do that to him.

Condensing 85 years to sheets of paper I imagine is extremely hard - my sister did dad's eulogy. I pretty much had nothing to do with the funeral other than the timings of the wake and there were some discussion that we could clip clop in front or behind the coffin like the Knights who say Ni (dad loved Monty Python). And that was the end of my input which is exactly what I wanted.

I hope the plans are progressing as you intend.

Love you Mo.

xxx

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Sun Jan 14, 2018 8:27 pm

Thank you DG, and Pat, and Veebee, Veema, Didge, and all of you who have been so kind. And of course you understand exactly what's happening.

I'm doing music for the Crematorium at the moment. Two of Peter's favourites which I had to put onto his i-Pod: Vide Cor Meum from the Hannibal sound track. If you get a chance, PLEASE listen to it, especially the very end. To spoil it for you I will tell you that the heavenly music goes quiet, there is a short silence, and then Anthony Hopkins says "ta-ta, H", and then there is the most almighty clang. Peter thought that was perfect music for a crematorium especially if it could be synced to the gates closing on the coffin. Not in the best possible taste, perhaps, but why not if that's what he wanted ? The other one he loved was, gulp, Con Te Partiro (Time to Say Goodbye) sung by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Whatshername.

So that's two for the Crem. The others are Benedictus by Karl Jenkins, the Intermezzo from Cavalleria Rusticana, Gabriel's Oboe (from The Mission) and the BBC Golf theme tune (Chase Side Shoot Up) and perhaps Levi's I Believe sung by Andrea Bocelli if there's time. They are practically asking for barcodes on coffins so that they can scan them at our Crem because they are so busy, so there won't be time for lingering silences because the next party will be banging on the door wanting to be let in. There's one every hour at the moment.

I'm just back from Evening Mass and will be seeing the Priest tomorrow at 11am. He can do the funeral as I wanted; there was some doubt because he was away on a jolly when the undertaker tried to fix it. I've got the hymns all sorted, any time I consider that a hymn is just perfect I make a note of it in the back of my missal and there's a shortlist of about 6 which I can select from. This list has been in the making for some years, and has been written mostly during utterly boring sermons and hasn't really changed very much in 25 years or so.

In a totally mad moment today I fancied wearing scarlet shoes with my all-black outfit. I even went into town and tried some on, and then wasn't sure if they would go with black tights. I'm lucky anything still fits me; I've gained so much weight during this illness.

I'm playing the playlist for the Crem in a loop very loudly so that I can desensitise to it and it won't make me cry as soon as I hear the first few bars. The idea is that I will get so used to it that I won't really hear it any more. That's the idea, anyway.

Take care all you lovely people.
Mo

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Didge » Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:20 pm

Well you’ve certainly got enough to choose from there! When my first husband died being a bit of a traditionalist at times and having once been a classically trained musician I had a full rendition of Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor on the organ only for all his friends to comment “Good choice. The theme from Rollerball!” So if you manage to line up the sound effects at the end of Hannibal I’m sure it will be well received! X

Veema
Posts: 497
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Sun Jan 14, 2018 10:22 pm

I love Time to Say Goodbye...that would defo make me cry. I had Queen's You're my Best Friend...still makes me cry whenever I hear it now...we only get a 20 minute slot at the crem...and you leave via a back door, so that you don't clash with the next funeral waiting outside the front door!

I wanted to wear thigh high suede boots with a floaty tunic number...my mum thought 'whore's boots' weren't particularly appropriate, so smart black trousers and sensible shoes it was...I still wish I'd gone with the whore boots! Go with the scarlet shoes if it makes you happy.

Vx

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Sun Jan 14, 2018 11:41 pm

I seriously considered "Another one bites the dust" because he loved Queen.
I also thought about "Its all over now" by the Rolling Stones but he hated them.

And, Veema, you should know that you can't wear thigh boots with something floaty. You should wear them with hot pants. Even I know that, and I hate clothes do much that I think we should all wear uniforms.

X

Quickasyoucan
Posts: 112
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2017 10:06 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Quickasyoucan » Mon Jan 15, 2018 12:04 am

We had Cwm Rhondda at both dad and mums funeral as they were both proud welsh rugby addicts. I think Dad would have liked the Hannibal theme as he always had that black sense of humour about funerals. I also defy anyone not to cry at con te partiro. I feel teary typing it. Mo I'm with you re clothes. Uniforms should be mandatory preferably surgical scrubs for comfort and flat shoes!!

patrigib
Posts: 41
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:53 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby patrigib » Mon Jan 15, 2018 12:22 am

Vide Cor Meum is a lovely choice. Each time I listen to it, I feel moved. Go for whatever shoes you like as long as they are comfy, and........ I know what you mean whith putting on weigh. Sometimes Belgian beer is my best friend, as gin has been to you :oops: .
Hope the arrangements don't give you too much stress.
Hugs
Pat

Veema
Posts: 497
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Mon Jan 15, 2018 12:36 pm

I don't have the figure for hot pants unfortunately...

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Fri Jan 19, 2018 6:40 am

Only on Planet PC - going from solemn funeral arrangements to hot-pants in two moves.

I've finished doing the Order of Service leaflets and they look lovely, even though I say it myself, but if anybody finds a typing mistake and points it out to me I will never speak to them again. It covers the Funeral Mass, the Crematorium Service and includes several poems that Peter liked. I know the poems will wreck Peter's street-cred but even the most alpha-male can have a sensitive and introverted side. Peter's siblings have all pre deceased him, so the only family are some nephews and nieces who I hardly know (they weren't a close family). I have decreed no flowers, but I've gone to town on my own tribute - a sort of diamond shaped affair that's about 36" long.

My stepson has now agreed to make a guest appearance at the crematorium. As he didn't make a single enquiry or visit his dad over the past year I shall greet him with very mixed feelings, but I'll keep them to myself for the time being.

I have been inundated with cards. I didn't expect these, and they've filled every surface. Boris has taken a secret dislike to one of them; each morning I find one particular card on the floor, no matter where it was after the last time I picked it up and replaced it. What my furry boy doesn't realise is the imminent diet for both of us. He's too fat too, which comes from me plonking down three meals at once because I was off to the hospice each day and had no idea when I would be home again. He helpfully ate all three meals at once, and then formed an orderly queue for tea/lunch/supper/breakfast whenever in. And ate it, joyfully.

So we're still in limbo here, and I don't feel able to deal with clothes and other possessions until after the funeral. By the way, does anybody want a spare blood sugar meter ? I can let you have one and a hole heap of testing strips. Email the nurses and the will forward it on to me.

I am pretty tired, too, and recovering from 22 hour sessions at the hospice. I keep waking at stupid o'clock in the morning. I'm careful not to sit and snooze during the day so as spoil my night's sleep. It's not the sort of early morning waking which goes with depression, so I'm not worried about it. But as somebody once said, "things can only get better".

Love, Mo

Sandiemac
Posts: 67
Joined: Tue May 10, 2016 10:27 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Sandiemac » Fri Jan 19, 2018 11:25 am

Hello Mo
I found it took a while, after Stephen's death in September, for my sleeping pattern to adjust. I too would wake in the early hours, lay there for 2 hours, and then go back to sleep again for another couple of hours. It will pass. I now have regular sessions of 5/6 hours before waking.

It's a very personal thing as to what to do with possessions. It's whatever time feels right for you (by the sound of it you can entirely discount any preference of your stepson). I still have almost all of Stephen's clothes - my sons are entirely different shapes and anyway the clothes are not to their taste. Fortunately we have separate wardrobes so I am not faced with them whenever I get dressed myself.

Limbo is a very good way of describing it. I am amazed to find that five months have now passed but I have kept busy doing paperwork and dealing with probate etc. and turning out drawers. Very high on my agenda was a holiday - like you I was exhausted. Think seriously about having a fly and flop in the sunshine, if you can make arrangements for Boris that is!

Remember, it's all about YOU now and what's best for you. Bugger anyone and anything else.
Someone said to me "accept all invitations, even if you don't fancy it". By and large I have but again, everyone is different.

Much love, Sandie xx