A forum for family, friends and carers of pancreatic cancer patients

Moderator: volmod

Forum rules
Please see the messages in our "Rules" section

The posts on this discussion board are made by members of the General Public and are not intended to constitute medical advice
Veema
Posts: 466
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Fri Jan 19, 2018 11:32 am

I agree...do what you please and get rid of stuff only if you want to and at your own pace. I got rid of Nige's stuff straight away (but his bedside table is exactly how he left it), but my mum hasn't touched any of my dad's stuff since he died in August.

Vx

patrigib
Posts: 38
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:53 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby patrigib » Fri Jan 19, 2018 2:02 pm

I agree with Veema and Sandiemac. Everything is around the patient and caregiving is sooo exhausting. You eat when he eats, sleeps whenever he lets you sleep, the worries, hospital, pain and all the stuff. Now it's high time to spoil yourself and don't put any more pressure on you for things being done.
Sorry for the relationship with your stepson. Same here, since my husband's son died one year ago, no contact anymore with the grandson and his mother. Hopefully I have a bunch of Boris-like cats :)
Love
Pat

Veebee
Posts: 93
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:31 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veebee » Fri Jan 19, 2018 4:09 pm

Hi Mo The clothes don't need feeding so leave them until you're ready to face them. I sorted Allan's in 2 phases and both lots were taken by his brother to give to a charity shop over 100 miles away. The last thing I wanted to see was anyone local wearing his clothes. I've kept his fishing jacket and a well worn Barbour waistcoat that was almost never off his back. He died 7 months ago and the last batch was taken last week.
My sleep pattern is still all over the place...I'm often up at 3am having a cup of tea. I found that I had loads of energy until after the funeral and then felt exhausted and lacking in strength but this seems to be improving now, thank goodness. Everything takes time Mo and it's very early days so look after yourself and Boris for now. Hibernate until the Spring if you feel like it and lick your wounds.
Love Vee xxxx

Justamo
Posts: 464
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Tue Jan 23, 2018 8:20 pm

OK. Tomorrow is the funeral. The rain is coming down in bucketloads and it's cold and there are gales forecast. Which is all good, because it means I won't have to stand about and speak to people. And it will match my mood.

I have done the Order of Service leaflets myself, because I've done loads for other people, and obviously I wanted to do this one. They had to be perfect: it's just like when Peter was first diagnosed, and I had the feeling that the more I knew and the harder I worked looking after him, the better he would be. Just like an Open University course. What nonsense, it just means I am putting myself under more and more stress which is unnecessary. I have spent hours and hours selecting passages from pieces of music and even found myself typing a list which included, "... and play the first 22 seconds of track 4 ....". Control freakery ? Probably, but that's about all that's holding me together.

It will get better. I know it will, because other people have been through this and have been able to pick themselves up and start over, and I will do the same. It will be good to get past this kind of limbo of waiting for the funeral, but on the other hand I am glad that there was enough time to organise things as I wanted. Bossy to the end.

I couldn't have asked for more support; e-mails pinging away sending love and e-hugs, I even had an e-Sympathy card from somebody today. And in case you're tempted to ever send one to somebody: Don't. It was horrible.

Boris had a long lie-in this morning because it was a bit chilly, so at hungry-time he scoffed his whole breakfast down practically in one gulp. Very soon afterwards it came back up. I was tempted to tell him to clean it up himself, so we had a bit of an atmosphere for a while. But all is lovey-dovey again. He's doing sleeping in his radiator bed and I'm doing typing this and then having an early night. The crematorium music is playing - as it has been for more than a week so that I can desensitise to it and not howl the minute it starts.

That's enough, I'll have you all in tears.
Night night, God Bless,
Love Mo

Veema
Posts: 466
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Tue Jan 23, 2018 8:48 pm

I will be thinking of you and Peter tomorrow Mo...I'm sure he'd be thrilled at the effort you have put in. You may surprise yourself and be really calm...I never shed a tear at either Nige's or my Dad's funeral, which I thought was odd considering I have, in the past, cried at many a passing hearse taking a total stranger on their final journey. Either way, it doesn't matter...howl the place down if that's how you feel...just make sure you're wearing waterproof mascara.

Lots of love and strength...

Vx

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Didge » Tue Jan 23, 2018 9:37 pm

Mo I will be thinking of you. Although Rob died in high summer my first man died 29 years ago today and I remember squelching through the London clay mud in Highgate cemetery in high heels apologising to everyone for the state of the ground. Sending lots of love as always xx

patrigib
Posts: 38
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:53 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby patrigib » Tue Jan 23, 2018 10:46 pm

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. The funeral will be perfect, either rainy or not.
Hugs

Quickasyoucan
Posts: 112
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2017 10:06 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Quickasyoucan » Tue Jan 23, 2018 11:23 pm

Thinking of you today Mo - sending hugs from a muggy Sydney. Xx

sandraW
Posts: 1026
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby sandraW » Wed Jan 24, 2018 8:36 am

Mo, as stupid as it seems that feeling of control is so good, I was much the same but didn't do the 22 second thing I must admit. As you say its the last thing you can do for your beloved Peter
and you want to send him off in great style.
Its so lovely that you have had lots of support, it is needed and you will get through today I am sure. I didn't cry at Trevor's funeral either, well just a few tears when the granddaughters got up to speak, and the desensitisation is the right way to go.
I will be thinking of you, and sending more love and ((hugs)) your way, I hope it all goes to plan, and that Peter has the most wonderful sendoff, take care love sandrax xx

Wife&Mum
Posts: 397
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:12 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Wife&Mum » Wed Jan 24, 2018 9:23 am

Thinking of you today Mo, and sending much love.
W&M xxx

Sandiemac
Posts: 66
Joined: Tue May 10, 2016 10:27 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Sandiemac » Wed Jan 24, 2018 11:55 am

I too am thinking of you as the rain continues and the wind blows. Get rid of everyone as soon as you can (except those you wish to be with you) and relax. You've finished the marathon.
Much love, Sandie xx

Justamo
Posts: 464
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Justamo » Thu Jan 25, 2018 8:09 pm

I overheard somebody say, at her husband's funeral, "Well, that's it then. All over". I remember thinking that it was only just starting.

I got through yesterday like a robot. My lovely friends at the pool cancelled their aquarobics class yesterday so that they could come to the funeral, and I was quite overwhelmed at the number of people who attended. The church was packed. Peter's nieces and one of his nephews took up residence in the family pew, so I wasn't quite as alone as I had expected, and although it was a shock to actually see the coffin (I didn't look at it while it was at the undertaker's) my flowers were lovely, and his medal, proudly polished by me, was on top of it. The eulogy was read by an old friend after the coffin was brought in, and before Mass actually started, and it was very appropriate. The priest is one of the old school "I'm in charge" types, exactly the sort of priest to say a Funeral Mass when you need a bit of stability, and he didn't drone on; he kept to the point and spoke about his last meeting with Peter on 29th December.

In case you're interested, the readings were Ecclesiastes 3: 1-11 (A time to weep etc), Psalm No 120, "I will lift up mine eyes to the hills", (Peter was a skier and climber), and the Gospel was St Matthew 20: 1-16, which is the Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard. The hymns were "Do not be afraid", "O the love of my Lord is the essence", "Be still my soul" and "Guide me, O thou great Redeemer".

I was advised that I should greet everybody on the way out which was quite an ordeal, but I got through it by saying "Please don't hug me" to people who were likely to, and, "How very nice of you to come" (just like our Dear Queen Mother) to people I didn't know or couldn't remember. All sorts of people appeared; one chap, obviously of pension age, came up and introduced himself as one of Peter's apprentices. I wasn't sure whether or not to believe him as I couldn't see any scars, but he assured me he was. Our lovely priest swatted the undertaker out of the way and took control and generally whisked people out into the rain (and it was POURING) and before I knew it I was in isolated splendour in the back of a big black car on the way to the crematorium. And my stepson was at the Crem waiting to greet his dad's coffin.

The music for the Crem was meant to be Benedictus (Karl Jenkins), the Intermezzo from Cavalleria Rusticana, the BBC Golf Theme music, Gabriel's Oboe from The Mission, and finishing off with a good cry to Time to Say Goodbye. I've no idea what happened, but Rusticana was playing as we walked in, the golf music didn't happen at all, and the rest was a bit of a jumble. So much for "the first 22 seconds ...". A golf club chap said a bit about Peter, and his 52 years as a member and his Presidency etc, and then our priest stood up, and firmly steered the service back on the straight and narrow and said the Rite of Farewell and Blessing. And then I shut my eyes while four of his friends closed the gates.

Raymond escorted me out, we got into the big black car again and off to the golf club for tea and sandwiches. I gave Raymond his Dad's medal to keep and he was shocked that there was a medal at all, he knew nothing about that part of his Dad's life. What a pity they didn't really know each other while Peter was still alive.

So that was it then. All over.

But it's not really. I'll have to lick my wounds for a while and then try to find a new normal.

X

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Didge » Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:33 pm

Welcome back Mo. You’re in safe hands. Xx

Quickasyoucan
Posts: 112
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2017 10:06 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Quickasyoucan » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:14 am

Mo I think it is a credit to the person when strangers turn up, as Peter has obviously touched their lives. At my uncles funeral a perfect stranger rushed in at the last minute and said he had been in the Coldstream Guards with my uncle when they were both young. He had brought his cornet (my uncle was a brass band man) and played the last post. A v fitting tribute to a man for whom music was his life. I hope you and Boo are recovering from the day x

Veema
Posts: 466
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

Postby Veema » Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:56 am

Well done Mo...sounds like it was a lovely service and even the best laid plans go awry sometimes, I'm sure Peter wouldn't have minded.

Don't be a stranger.

Vx