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Marmalade

Re: Ascites

Postby Marmalade » Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:00 am

V, tell the headteacher that you are still grieving but then your heightened emotional state has merely brought to a head some on going issues and made them more difficult to ignore! Get your speech in first and list your issues.

If you like the response and feel supported then stay, if you don't, and feel patronised don't respond. Say you need time to consider. Then start looking for a job, why not retrain as a teacher! At least then you would get paid the rate for what you are doing,

Brilliant job with phoebe! Perfect response to a difficult situation, xx

sandraW
Posts: 1033
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby sandraW » Sat Dec 17, 2016 12:42 pm

Veema I could not have put it better than Marmalade just has, its not all down to grief, and don't let them pass it off as such, I think when we have been though what you have it makes you feel as though you are just not going to put up with sh** anymore and some things are more important that just keeping the peace.
As for Phoebe, it upsets me that she feels that way bless her, but I suppose its only what we feel, she is certainly lucky to have you for her Mum, and at least she got it all out with a good cry, tears are so healing even though they are exhausting and give us a very red nose.
I hope your meeting goes well on Monday, and try not to punch anyone please!!! take care, love sandraxx

jay
Posts: 407
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 2:30 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby jay » Tue Dec 20, 2016 10:33 am

Hope the meeting with your Head went ok Veema. Massive hugs to you and Phoebe.
love Jayne
x

Veema
Posts: 503
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Tue Dec 20, 2016 3:25 pm

I'm on gardening leave until next term and then I'm going back in a different class in a different part of the school. She agrees that it isn't just my grief, although she does think that it's making me less tolerant of crap situations and where as I'd have just shrugged it off before I'm not putting up with it now. True enough.

She has spoken to the teacher in question who doesn't think she's done anything wrong, so now she has to do without a TA as no-one will work with her. Trouble is, she's an outstanding teacher, so nothing is really going to be done about her.

She also wants me to have bereavement counselling...it's all paid for by the school and is done in school time. I don't really want to have counselling...can't think of anything worse, but I've agreed to think about it.

Today, I've spent sorting out some photos from Nige's previous marriage that he had into albums for the lads...and I've also been through all my digital photos and copied all those of Nige onto USB sticks for them. We might have only had 12 years together, but they were 12 good years, packed full of memories...there are almost 2000 photos of him!

Vx

Marmalade

Re: Ascites

Postby Marmalade » Tue Dec 20, 2016 5:57 pm

Hi V,

I think the head came to the right conclusions and the solution appears to be equitable and fair. I hope a new class and teacher will give you a manageable challenge and make you feel better about your job.

I'm with you on the counselling, I get counselling, from friends and family and people who know me and Louis and who love me and can be open with me, some have lost partners themselves others are young and are excited about the future. Grief is normal and takes as long as it takes and the rest of society has to deal with something which is not instantly solved or alleviated. Mind you, if it's free, you could give it a go, if you get just one good thing from it it will have been worth it.

Personally, I am finding a lot of comfort, reduced washing up, and an easier shopping experience by eating a diet of biscuits. Not good for me but a new experience and, from some 'special' people on Facebook…

Huge hugs and best love,

M xx

Veema
Posts: 503
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:52 pm

That's exactly the reason I don't want it...why on earth do I want to talk to a total stranger about Nige when they don't know him...I don't even think I need counselling...I think I'm coping just fine and dandy. I'm just not putting up with any crap. The teacher in question sent me a text tonight saying 'thinking of you xx' with a bloody big smiley face emoticon thing...what planet does the woman live on???

Anyway...I've had an extra few days holidays, so all good.

Vx

Marmalade

Re: Ascites

Postby Marmalade » Tue Dec 20, 2016 10:26 pm

Exactly! Enjoy the few days off and try not to bother about these silly people. Lots of people make silly or inappropriate remarks and gestures or assumptions. They are not trying to be unkind, quite the reverse but they are emotionally immature and inexperienced.

Now relax and eat your biscuits/drink wine

M xx

Veema
Posts: 503
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Tue Dec 20, 2016 10:32 pm

The thing that really winds me up is this bloody teacher is supposedly a trained counsellor!!! I hope I don't get anyone like her!

Marmalade

Re: Ascites

Postby Marmalade » Tue Dec 20, 2016 10:53 pm

I have a cousin in Australia who is an eminent psychologist - she has been full of common sense and supportive of time and letting the tears come, mind you, her husband was killed in a car accident leaving her with 3 teenagers so she speaks from experience as well as theory. She did a degree, masters and PHD because she needed to support the kids!

Try and be open minded, some actually do know their business. You said this woman is a good teacher, pity she has so little self awareness. Let's hope this is something she will think about but you have to let it go now because the solution has been agreed and you certainly don't need other people's issues right now.

Nighty night xxx

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Ascites

Postby Didge » Wed Dec 21, 2016 8:38 am

I found bereavement counselling great after my first husband died although we didn't really talk about the bereavement as much as everything that was going on in my life. I felt it very helpful to be able to talk to a 'stranger' about my life and grew to look forward to it. Don't forget you are in control. If you want, you can just sit there and not talk about anything or just your job plans or whatever. You can vent your anger, safely and confidentially etc. You can use it as you wish. x

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Justamo » Thu Dec 22, 2016 2:41 pm

Hello V, I think your headteacher sounds like quite a sensible lady. I'm glad that your decision about leaving your job has been 'postponed' as it were. I think it's a mistake to make a fairly big decision about your future while you're still sorting out the immediate aftermath of Nige's death. A bit of breathing space is a good thing.

I've been offered counselling twice. Once when I was diagnosed with cancer, and I had one session with a lady with very hairy legs and wooden jewellery. She spoke entirely in jargon; I couldn't stand it and jacked it all in after only 20 minutes. The second time was before I had major heart surgery. That really was helpful, and I appreciated it. (Different lady, no jargon and plenty of common sense). So if you don't think that counselling is for you at the moment that's OK, but I wouldn't shut the door on the offer - see if you can rethink it in a few months time when you might be feeling quite different.

Take care of yourself, Hugs to Phoebe and Ughs to you.
Love Mo

Dandygal76
Posts: 754
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Ascites

Postby Dandygal76 » Wed Dec 28, 2016 12:07 pm

Hey V.. you could always ask to see how the next half term goes and then decide. If you are not ready for counselling then you will still keep your options open then. If you go nuts at the new teacher then it is a no brainer that you are struggling but if everything falls into place then perhaps no need for counselling. As for the text, just reply 'thanks' to everything and don't engage any further. That way you don't look like you are continuing things but at same time you give her no space in your mind as to weird ways. x

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Justamo » Tue Jan 17, 2017 9:38 pm

V, how are you and Phoebe ? Did you decide to go ahead with the counselling ? Or is there a 6-month waiting list ?

Tell us how you're getting on and how Phoebe is getting on at school after the Christmas holiday.

Love, Mo

Marmalade

Re: Ascites

Postby Marmalade » Tue Jan 17, 2017 10:21 pm

Mo darling,

You are going to have to bite the bullet and join FB where you will find us all. Do you know any small children who can help you set up the security so that you don't air everything on the interweb?

M xx

Veema
Posts: 503
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Tue Jan 17, 2017 11:00 pm

No...not doing the counselling...have moved into the juniors and feel much more comfortable. Phoebe is doing OK most of the time...has a few wobbles, but so do I. I put the caravan up for sale last week and cried for about 4 solid hours.

Found out yesterday that the mother of a little boy in my class (she also has a daughter in Phoebe's year group) has got some really rare stomach cancer...nothing they can do. The boy is 8 and the girl 10. It's just too sad, so I did a fair bit of crying for them yesterday.

I pick my new car up on Thursday, which is a bit exciting...but will then have to part with some of my inheritance...

Vx