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Veema
Posts: 498
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Tue Oct 25, 2016 8:22 pm

Thank you...I will await my warm and glowy feeling...and will look for the book.

Just perusing fancy cremation urns as he's currently in a black cardboard tube that's not really befitting of the man he was, but I think he will go bananas if I pay over £1000 for a bronze lotus flower urn...ha ha...may have to find something of a compromise, but then I've always had expensive taste.

Vx

Marmalade

Re: Ascites

Postby Marmalade » Wed Oct 26, 2016 9:39 am

Cursed with good taste my daughter says!

I think you are brave and have spurred me into asking for Louis ashes back which I have been resisting, not sure why..

M xx

Veema
Posts: 498
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Wed Oct 26, 2016 1:40 pm

I've bought a nice teardrop shaped thing, that is made of alluminium, but painted a pearlised whitish colour...it was much better value than the lotus flower, which I think was designed to be kept outside.

I may have to take him back to the funeral directors for them to transfer him...I'm a bit clumsy and can see him spilling all over the kitchen floor, being licked up by the dog and trodden trough the rest of the house if I attempt it.

I don't really have any feelings towards the ashes, I thought I would have, but feel quite detached from them. I think the vicar summed it up when he came to talk to us about the funeral...the last prayer of the service is commending them to God's safe keeping or something like that and the remains are just that, remains...nothing really. It was a bit like when I went to see him at the funeral directors, I felt quite detached from him there too, I think because I knew that wasn't the Nige that I knew and loved...

Vx

Marmalade

Re: Ascites

Postby Marmalade » Wed Oct 26, 2016 3:10 pm

Exactly. For me it's just the packaging and nothing to do with who Nige or Louis were.

Hope you are having a better day

M xx

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Justamo » Wed Oct 26, 2016 3:11 pm

I understand the detachment you feel towards the ashes; I felt that when I saw both my mother and my father after their deaths. Their bodies seemed to be empty boxes and like you, V, I felt quite detached from them. They had very little effect on me.

Other people will feel very different, of course, but for me the vital spark had gone. I felt overwrought at my mother's funeral because my father was so upset, but when he died I just felt numb.

Whatever you decide to do with the ashes is right. You can't own somebody's soul, but you can own their remains so just make the right decision for you and Phoebe. I took my father's ashes to County Kerry to scatter on my mother's grave because it felt right for me. If you want to keep Nige's ashes in a teardrop thingy that's perfect.

Hope today has been better than yesterday !
Love
Mo

Dandygal76
Posts: 746
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Ascites

Postby Dandygal76 » Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:26 pm

Hello our dear friend. It is difficult sometimes to decide whether we should respond to a quiet thread on this forum or whether we should shout very loudly to see if you are okay. I have chosen tonight to shout... WE ARE HERE FOR YOU LOVELY LOVELY LADY. I hope that is okay. x

Veema
Posts: 498
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:18 pm

Thank you...I'm still here and read every day, just don't have anything significant to post about us...we're soldiering on fairly well. Just been to the parents for the annual halloween party - the Magic Pumpkin comes and leaves presents in the garden for the children, they love it...my mum is bonkers and spends a fortune on them...I thought it would be difficult, but it was ok. I'm very lucky that everyone is willing to talk about Nige and I don't feel like I haven't to...we also deal with things in a black humour sort of way, which I know some people find inappropriate. I nearly took Nige up in his black tube (I haven't got the urn yet), with some fangs stuck on the front.

It's my birthday on Sunday and Phoebe has had a little panic about getting me something...both boys have offered to take her and so has my mum, so she's sorted, but she won't let me give her any money to get a present with even though I've told her Dad would just have used the money out of the bank had he been here...so she's using her pocket money...I shall just have to find extra things she's done around the house so I can transfer extra onto her Go Henry to cover it.

She's such a little star, I feel so sad for her. I have been looking through some old photos on the computer this afternoon whilst she was at my mum's sorting out the party...nearly all of them are her and her Dad...right up until this time last year and then she just didn't want much to do with him anymore, which made me feel sad at the time, but I think she was protecting herself from what she knew deep down was coming...detaching herself from him and becoming my shadow. She's having mini meltdowns about nothing, which I think is her way of getting it out, so instead of telling her not to cry, I just let her cry it out, even though what she purports to be crying about is downright pathetic.

I do miss Nige terribly, it's an odd feeling, I still can't get my head around the fact that he's not here anymore. Something happened the other day and I thought oooh, wait till I tell Nige...and then thought oh...I can't.

Anyway...need to go and scrub the halloween makeup off and brush the half a can of hairspray out of my hair.

Vx

Dandygal76
Posts: 746
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Ascites

Postby Dandygal76 » Tue Nov 01, 2016 9:30 am

Veema, the fangs comment made me spit out my cornflakes! I am on that dark humour page with you but I hope not inappropriately, I have no idea how I will react around my dad in the same position and do hope I will not become some zealous hypocrite but who knows, I surprise myself half the time with how I react to things and how intense I can be at times. Fangs though.. the thought is brilliant, the reality of keeping him home though was probably best.

We went to a Halloween thing of a friends. He had done his house out with all sorts (not sure if you watch Modern Family but it was like the Halloween scene from that). We didn't even get any benefits from being best mates... a 2 hour queue to get into the house only for Henry to be terrified and cry. Oh my youngest one is such a delicate little flower.... I thought at nearly 9 he would be like the rest of the family in loving horror but I fear he will always be the same. I shouldn't moan, he is truly a lovely boy.

It is good you are coping though around all these family things. It is good to talk and talk you must do. I have recently taken a very good friend through the loss of both parents very close together and one very sudden and unexpected. She, as you probably do, felt cheated. Her other half left her around the same time well. The point being, for months, we rattled around the same issues and now she would tell you that talking got her through. It is a process and it is healthy, not only for you but for phoebe as well. If you feel you do not have much to say on here I am sure our fellow forum family will join me in saying... come on here and prattle about nothing. It is good for the soul.

I hope you have a lovely birthday on Sunday. It is these little things we do not think about isn't it. My dad gives each of this kids a monthly pocket money equivalent to their age. Just simple things we take for granted. I am sure that nanny and the boys will have your birthday sorted. You do sound as though you have a great family surrounding you.

It is funny what you say about Phoebe withdrawing from her dad. I see it in my eldest as well. Almost like they want to get used to them not being around, whilst they are secure they are still around. I leave him to his own path mostly but I think it gives dad more comfort the more he strikes out independently and I hope it was the same for Nige so do think on the other perspective. It would have been grueling to have phoebe the complete opposite in sadness with him.

As for phoebe I am sure she will have many a meltdown but it sounds as though she has a good support system around her. Tricky age as the hormones start to kick in as well. There is no right or wrong answer to any of this... I would do the same. Let her have her mini meltdowns and cry it out. We all have our own ways of dealing with these things. They are resilient, I think I may have mentioned my cousin lost her mum at a similar age... it did not define her. She is a beautiful, wonderful and very well balanced adult. I think phoebe with the support network around her will be okay.

Of course you miss Nige terribly, my partner says the same about his dad. Just for a moment he will think I must call dad over that and his words are literally the same to me... oh, I can't.

Take one day at a time Veema, that is all you can do.

xx

Veema
Posts: 498
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Tue Nov 01, 2016 2:56 pm

Me and Phoebe have just had a right laugh transferring the ashes into the urn...as predicted it was everywhere...dog's had some...we've breathed it in...it's wafted around the kitchen (and I'd just cleaned too). But he's now safe and sound now, although missing a bit (which I've swept up and put in the garden).

Honestly...my child is amazing...she stood grasping the urn (which had to be filled from the bottom and is a teardrop shape, so couldn't be rested on the table) with the ashes wafting everywhere, laughing her head off. I didn't have a suitably sized funnel, so had to use an upended coke bottle with the bottom cut off...such a classy lady.

Perhaps need a blast on the inhaler now as I can't stop coughing...

Vx

Marmalade

Re: Ascites

Postby Marmalade » Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:03 pm

You are such a tonic V, so funny and so you and Nige. He would be so very proud of you and Phoebe.

Much love,

M xx

sandraW
Posts: 1032
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby sandraW » Thu Nov 03, 2016 2:06 pm

V, well! most of us have a piece of jewelry made but you have to go one better and inhale your lovely Nige's ashes, wonder if they will show up on an xray? I am not surprised you are coughing.
Good on Phoebe you are right she is ....amazing as are you, she's like she is because of you, you know that right, so take full credit. love sandrax xx

Veema
Posts: 498
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Sun Nov 13, 2016 7:04 pm

Feeling maudlin today. Phoebe has had a bad week culminating in her sobbing her heart out on the stage in church at the remembrance service on Friday morning. Church is part of the school building, very modern...Phoebe is a member of the school ethos council and as such delivers worships every Friday morning, sat on the stage where her Dad's coffin sat just a few weeks ago at his funeral, I'm surprised it's taken this long to be honest, but so pleased something is finally coming out. Luckily I work in the same school and was there and able to take her out and let her cry it out.

She's off on a residential a week tomorrow for a week...I'm dreading it...she's been out this afternoon watching her cousin play ice hockey and I'm sat here on my own and I hate it. The mums at school are fab and have arranged for me to do something for a couple of the nights, but I know I will really miss her. The only night we've spent apart is the night she was in intensive care after her heart surgery and I wasn't allowed to stay with her. Anyway...I'm hoping to finish her bear and sort out things for Christmas for her.

I still don't really know how I feel...it's been 7 weeks, which seems like an age, but then no time at all...in the main (and when I don't have PMT) I feel ok...coping well, getting on with stuff, but then have days of intense sadness, which I know is normal and OK and I just ride with it.

I'm not enjoying being back at work...everything annoys me, especially the business manager who I would like to thump, very hard, right in her face...she has to be the single most incompassionate piece of work I've ever come across...it was the tea money the other week and this week it transpires that she has deducted a days pay for the day Nige had his ascites drained. Needless to say, I have challenged this, got the money reimbursed and received an apology....but seriously...grrrrr!

Anyway...ironing won't do itself and the child needs her uniform for tomorrow...

Vx

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby Justamo » Sun Nov 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Quite a nasty bad patch V. You and Phoebe will go through all these patches but not necessarily at the same time. Which is good, in a way, because you could help her through her meltdown when she needed you.

Nice of the 'mums' to help keep you occupied while Phoebe is away. It's healthy for kids to do stuff on their own but must be terribly hard when you've never been apart. I feel really sorry for you and wish I could find comforting words. The next time she does something independently you will find it easier to cope - of course everything gets easier in time, but that's no consolation now, is it ?

Best love V, thinking of you and Phoebe.
Mo xxxx

Proud Wife
Posts: 729
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Ascites

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Nov 13, 2016 10:09 pm

You have every right to feel maudlin Veema. I can relate to that deep deep sense of sadness. As for the business manager....well, you'd think she'd have a little more sense, silly woman. Try not to think much farther than the next day ahead at this stage. Is there someone you could go stay with or have stay with you when Phoebe's away if being on your own will be too hard for you?

Much love xx

jay
Posts: 407
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 2:30 pm

Re: Ascites

Postby jay » Mon Nov 14, 2016 9:47 am

Sending you my love V, Hope this week goes quickly for you while Phoebe is away. Great your friends have arranged something.
love Jayne
xx