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Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Tue Sep 13, 2016 1:34 pm

He is with you and he loves you dearly. Whatever decision you make that is right for you will be right for him. You are doing amazingly well for you and your son, you have done him proud PW. x

Marmalade

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Marmalade » Tue Sep 13, 2016 3:40 pm

PW, I am with you, I feel what you feel, the insecurity, the confusion and fear and I miss the hugs and cuddles so very much. Be brave sweetie, we will be able to move forward in time and all will be well but for now just let those tears come xxx

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Wed Sep 28, 2016 2:38 pm

It seems this roller coaster of an experience still continues on the other side of the divide.

No sooner had I come to a decision regarding scattering of the ashes (Marmalade, typical example of loss of confidence) another issue causes concern and this one not solved quite so easily.

I've noticed over the past few week (maybe several - time goes by so quickly) my son can't talk about his dad anymore. Looking at photos is a no no and he runs a mile from my latest hobby - putting together photos into a video format that I can watch when I am feeling lonely.

Apart from the fact that I need to talk about him constantly (and I have no-one else that I can bore on my favourite subject for more than 5 minutes) I am really worried. I have kept the memory of my mum and dad alive for almost 20 years now by constantly talking about them and reminiscing. I feel - no, that's wrong - I want to do the same, if not more with hubby. I also can't share any stories from this forum with him, he can't cope with the sadness. I suppose his way of dealing with this is just to blank it out. I did that when my mum and dad died, just put up a wall and got on with life because I had to as a working mum with a young child. I didn't have time to mourn as such. I can see my son doing the same but he's 15 years younger than I when I lost my dad. We have very little family and he doesn't have the safety net of a spouse like I did at the time.

Has anyone had similar experience and if so, what should I do if anything? I've asked if he wants to see a counselor but he says no, he's just getting on with it. Of course in normal circumstances, I would have asked hubby what to do.....

Marmalade

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Marmalade » Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:52 pm

My lovely PW,

You got it right when you said we all grieve differently. In general I think women like to talk about their feelings and chaps don't. He needs a little space to grieve in his own way. It won't be forever but we are all like new Mums when they talk of nothing but babies.

You can't fix everything for everyone PW, just do your best xx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Thu Sep 29, 2016 5:29 am

I agree with Marmalade PW. My son is the same, I cannot get him to talk about my dad at all even now. He just gets busy busy and overcompensates on that busy front. He will come round after dealing with it on the path he has to tread. I am sorry I am not writing more but I am off to work and I will try later. I am doing about 90 hour weeks at the moment trying to stay on top... at least today starts with a 'workload' meeting with my bosses so hopefully it will calm down. xx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Thu Sep 29, 2016 10:43 am

Hey PW,

I am glad you reached a decision over the scattering of hubby's ashes. Whatever you do it will be a fitting tribute I am sure.

I think your son does need some space on things until he is ready to deal with it. Boys are funny things aren't they and they just want to pretend it is all not happening around them and just act like normal and like all is okay with the world. You doing your memory bits is lovely but he has to find his own path to tread through his ordeal and he will come back to you the lovely boy he is when he is good and ready, you know that. Perhaps do your bits whilst he is out and find a compromise. I am also a talker and I am grateful for my partner because my son hates it if I talk about it. I have to really curtail any cancer chat with him and pick my moments so I massively get it and I can really understand how hard it must be if there is not someone else you can chat to about hubby. If your son is anything like mine then what I do know is the push and want to chat the more they pull away.

You can always PM us for a chit chat. I know I have not been online much but I will keep an eye out for you.

xx

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Thu Sep 29, 2016 8:02 pm

Thank you both for your wise words. I suppose it's just my insecurities. Although he's now an adult, I still want to parent the right way and look out for him. I always had hubby to bounce off if I had any concerns and now I am sole parent. I think what you say makes perfect sense, I only hope that time will change him to a certain extent and that at some time in the future, he will be able to look fondly back at videos and photos and remember his dad for the amazingly colourful positive character that he most certainly was and not as a PC victim. xxx

Coxylewis
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 6:38 pm

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Coxylewis » Fri Sep 30, 2016 8:34 pm

Hi I'm so sorry to read of your loss. After losing my mum I came off the boards and have struggled daily. Only now able to come back on and see these posts. The good memories will always be with you and him in your heart forever. You sent me a lovely message after my mum died and it was appreciated.

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Oct 02, 2016 6:54 am

Thank you very much Coxylewis. By virtue to the fact that you have come back here, I hope that means that your struggling is a tiny little bit less. You will always be amongst friends here.

Lots of love to all xxx

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Sat Oct 08, 2016 2:11 pm

So, back home yesterday after having done the deed. Or mission accomplished.

My son and I took a 5 day cruise from Southampton - Amsterdam and Le Havre. Hubby and I loved to cruise so it felt a little weird to take him on his final voyage....this time in hand luggage. The only way I could cope was by referring to him as precious cargo and joking about it. DG understands how a warped sense of humour gets you through things that are just too painful otherwise so I hope no-one feels that I'm being disrespectful. Hubby would have joked the same way, only that he'd have needed a much bigger suitcase to carry my remains. I think I mentioned earlier that I could not part with all his ashes. I have some put aside in a lovely canister that has an image of a sun set at sea which will remind me of where we have laid him to rest. It's also a huggable shape and weird or not, I get a lot of comfort from that.

So back to the service. It was AMAZING. Thank you very much to a wonderful captain for such a respectful send off and to the security officer for ensuring I didn't follow in the sea after the ashes by accident. He held me tightly!

We did this on day 2 when we were halfway between UK and Amsterdam. Very fitting as hubby was Dutch. We were taken to a very low deck and a wide door was opened revealing a calm sea 3/4 feet below us (which is why said security guard needed to hold on to me!). The captain said a few prayers, I then emptied the urn gently into the sea followed by a scattering of yellow rose petals and then the urn itself which was biodegradable (I'd written my very last message to hubby on the lid so I wanted it to go with him.) Present were a few crew members who knew hubby from previous cruises and of course my son who stood with his arm around me throughout. At the end of the service, I gave the captain a card with a donation to a charity of his choice in my hubby's memory. He was shocked - he said no passenger had ever done that before - so I was really pleased I did because I was not charged for the ceremony.

The nicest part of all, we were presented with a beautiful certificate giving us the exact co-oridinates of the point where hubby was finally laid to rest so that on future cruises, I only need to tell the ship and I will be told when we are passing that point again. So.......I now have a valid excuse to book as many cruises as I wish!!!!!!

On that happy note, I too am going to close this thread. Well at least for now. I will continue to support my friends here but I know this chapter has to be closed. I need to try to come to terms with my loss. I am going to print off every page in this thread and add to my memory book as it's important for me to always keep his memory alive.

In order to try to do so, I need to tell the whole wide world one last time, how much I loved that man. How proud I am to have been his wife. How much I miss him and long to feel his arms around me again.

Sleep peacefully my darling. Wait for me upstairs and in the meantime, watch over our son and I and help guide us to make the right decisions in life.

I love you HUBBERGUND. I love you LOULOU. You were and are truly the BESTEST DADDA in the world.

Until we meet again.

YOUR EXCEPTIONALLY PROUD WIFE. xxx

Marmalade

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Marmalade » Sat Oct 08, 2016 3:05 pm

Perfect. Such love is everlasting xx

Veema
Posts: 475
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Veema » Sat Oct 08, 2016 4:33 pm

Well done PW...you've done what you promised.

I put a Winnie the Poo quotation in Nige's funeral order of service...'I am so lucky I have something that makes saying goodbye so hard' I'm sure all of us can relate to that.

Much love

Vx

Wife&Mum
Posts: 397
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:12 pm

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Wife&Mum » Sat Oct 08, 2016 6:48 pm

A wonderful send-off for a wonderful man. As M says, it sounds perfect.

Much love PW, and I very much hope you'll keep posting elsewhere on the forum...we need you!

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:12 pm

PW I would have started here but I was sure you was away further than Amsterdam - I am very single minded right now and did not see your lovely post which takes precedent over all my whinges! I would also have to keep a part of dad and you have done absolutely the right thing. I am sure it was me being being nosey down Marmalade's facebook that I saw a teddy she made from clothes of a beloved - I absolute loved that idea. A part of your beloved in a hug-able teddy bear. What I worry about re ashes and making jewelry is that my kids are truly crap and will lose it and be absolutely devastated. Nice bear with his clothes, attached with bear jewelry is where I will go. Your service was beautiful... you did an amazing send off. xx

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Justamo » Sun Oct 09, 2016 1:43 pm

That was beautiful, PW. I understand about closing the thread but you won't leave us altogether will you ?

Please stay on the forums, you're one of us after all. We've all benefitted from your experience and I want to know how your journey pans out from now.

Love and prayers
Mo