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Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Thu Aug 11, 2016 3:51 pm

Worst day today by far. Went alone for a hospital appointment. Didn't have such a great time. Came home alone. Came home to an empty house. And here I've been all afternoon, alone, feeling terribly sad and probably sorry for myself. All I want is a hug and for hubby to tell me it will all be okay but that's never going to happen. Therefore the tears are flowing and will no doubt continue to flow today. He used to take me there. He used to park the car and wait for me. He used to bring me home and make me a cup of tea. I was the ill one, not him. Or so we thought. Silly little things that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself but oh boy do I want him to do them for me today. xxx

Marmalade

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Marmalade » Thu Aug 11, 2016 5:14 pm

Oh my poor PW,

How I wish I could come to you. In time I think you will organise to go with a friend or member of the family but this is all new isn't it? You have a good cry darling and then think of a treat for yourself, I sometimes look at last minute breaks or craft or activity breaks, I may never go but it is a diversion and who knows, maybe I will go one day.

I can't be with you but I am with you in spirit and will have you in my heart while I am keeping my vigil.

Much love M xx

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Thu Aug 11, 2016 7:39 pm

Thank you M xx

Oh my word. Great minds think alike. You won't believe what I've gone and done. Only booked myself a dream holiday. Something to look forward to. Heading over to your side now to see the latest on how Louis is doing.....see you in a mo xx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Fri Aug 12, 2016 9:57 pm

PW, I hope you are okay. I have not been on FB at all. I am moving out of our village and away from my dad this week and moving is stressful without leaving them alone. On top of dad scan on weds it is hard. I will get PCUK to send my e-mail address or ask them for it. x

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Sat Aug 13, 2016 9:58 am

DG, you concentrate on moving my lovely. I haven't even found somewhere yet but I know the stress! I'm here if you need me but don't worry about FB or coming on here, you've got enough on your plate. I will have fingers and toes crossed for your Dad that his scan on Wednesday is a great one.xxx

Marmalade

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Marmalade » Sat Aug 13, 2016 11:35 am

Ooh, so pleased you've chosen a break. I think I will do the same as all this emotion is exhausting. My daughter calls them fly and flop holidays, that's what I want, I can do culture another time. Big loves xx

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Sat Aug 13, 2016 2:21 pm

Or if you don't want to fly I have a wonderful alternative for you. However,that's chat for another day over on messenger! xxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Mon Aug 15, 2016 10:01 am

PW, how are things? I think a holiday would be great... have you booked that cruise? x

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Tue Aug 16, 2016 7:31 pm

Having problems shaking off such feelings of sadness. I can't describe how I miss him. It's like you wrote over on M's thread, you want that special person to make things right but it's the loss of that special person who's causing the hurt and you can't do a single thing about it.

Good luck for tomorrow DG, thinking of you xxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:04 pm

Pw.. I just wrote such a long message from this phone and lost it. I will message you on here or private tom. One day at a time
.. all you can do right now is keep putting one foot on front of the other x

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:40 pm

Happened to me so I know that feeling! Learned to keep messages brief when typing on phone which I'm doing now. All I wanted to say was concentrate on tomorrow first, there will be plenty of time to talk later on in the week. Your dad and his scan tomorrow is priority but bless you for caring. Thank you sweetheart. Xx

Sleep tight xx

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Tue Sep 13, 2016 11:35 am

Its been a month since I last posted here and thought I'd update whilst it's far too hot to sit in garden!

Generally, I'm amazed at how well I'm coping. As long as I keep myself busy and don't stop and think, I get by. Of course I have my moments and they can hit at any time and for any reason.

The thing I find hardest to deal with is when I do allow myself to think about hubby, all I think about is his dying hours and the two only occasions throughout this whole ordeal that hubby cried at his situation. Twice in 14 months is incredible. I can cry twice in 14 minutes. When these thoughts enter my head, I ask myself why am I thinking those thoughts, think of good memories because that's what he would want but I simply cannot stop myself. It's as though I'm trying to punish myself because he's dead and I'm still here.

Had a major breakdown last week though. Hubby's wishes were that I bury his ashes at sea from a cruise ship ASAP after his death. Now before he got ill and as his wife, I tried for years to find out his wishes "in case of", he always said feed me to the sharks. Eventually I squeezed "cremation" out of him. I don't know if ashes at sea was another flippant comment or not but it's given me a massive moral dilemma.

I want to respect his wishes and do exactly what he told me to do. When I first brought the ashes home, they FREAKED me out and was happy to do as he asked. Now, I get so much comfort from them. I feel as though he's still with my son and I, albeit in a different form but those ashes are literally all that remains of his physical body and I can't get rid. I talk to them, I stroke the box, I hold and look at the box. As I was ordering a biodegradable urn, I suddenly broke down in tears and could not stop crying for days. It suddenly dawned on me that I couldn't fulfill his wishes. Now I'm not sure if that is his way of saying keep them and don't take his comments literally - my reaction amazed me as I was quite pragmatic about how I was going to do it. Even if it's not him, I am torn. Do I keep them and keep myself happy or do I keep him happy by burying at sea and then be without the one thing that keeps me sane?

For now, I'm not going to do anything, after all it's only 3 months since he passed. I hope what I should do with them becomes clearer in the future.

Love to each and every one on this horrible, horrible journey, on both sides of the divide. xxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Tue Sep 13, 2016 11:49 am

I think it is wise to keep them for now, it is not something you can change your mind about later if you scatter them but this way round your choices remain open until you are in a better place to decide. Everything you have ever said about your lovely husband just portrays that he cares more about what you need right now to get through and I doubt very much that your actions would make him unhappy. I can't believe it has been 3 months already. x

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Tue Sep 13, 2016 11:55 am

Because he's not here to tell me "I love you" anymore, being an insecure type of person (believe it or not!) I need that reassurance. Something told me to go upstairs to a certain place and I found the anniversary card he gave me one month to the day before he died, that I'd put away for very safe keeping. I read those words over and over again until my eyes were so blurry, I couldn't read them any more. It gave me all the reassurance I needed. His last words were "Whatever happens in the future, I will be with you, wherever you are". I strongly believe he directed my upstairs.

I look at his photos and think it's been so long now since I saw you/spoke to you/felt you. I hope the immense feelings of sadness will fade in time. Until then, I just try to make the best of each day because that's what he would want me to do and 9 times of out 10 I succeed.

Much love x

Veema
Posts: 475
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Veema » Tue Sep 13, 2016 12:28 pm

PW...have you thought about ashes to glass? They take a teaspoon or so of them and put them into jewellery or a paperweight ir something...that way you could keep a little bit of him close to you and do what he wanted with the rest. I've looked at this and I think this is what I'll do.

Much love

Vx