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Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Jul 31, 2016 2:48 pm

Wowza DG! Thank you! Hubby was the type of person that didn't have time for tears, tantrums or negativity - all of which I've been know to have! So now, I try to make the best of each day in his memory and as I said when I go to bed I ask myself did I do him proud. A friend told me recently that hubby had spoken to her and had told her he was only worried about how my son and I would cope afterwards, well I'm not giving him any reason to worry. I don't say this lightly, my heart breaks when I allow myself to think that I'm never going to see him this side of the divide ever again and I feel sick to my stomach but I have to find coping strategies. This might sound a bit weird but I do think hubby's guiding me mentally though because my outlook on life has changed and I'm doing things differently but I didn't consciously change anything - that gives me comfort because I truly believe hubby is helping me cope. The "old" me would have been even more emotional I think. I have my moments were life doesn't seem worth living but they are few and far between....thankfully.

And I think you are absolutely right, there will be a time when I will naturally have to face this head on but I'm not ready for that for a long while. I just need to get through each day with a half smile on my face, only because it's what hubby would want and expect from me. But oh my word, how I miss that special, special man - I can't put that into words, I just can't explain the sorrow and the hurt that we were not allowed to grow old together.

On a more positive note, I'm so pleased to see that you you and your dad were able to enjoy the wedding - was the sun shining on the bride, I hope so - it's been here on and off all day and when the suns out, I'm in the garden enjoying the rays deep in thought, talking to hubby in my head. I too keep popping on to see if anyone needs support. If I can help others going through the same, I'm happy.

Enjoy what's left of the weekend xxx

sandraW
Posts: 1027
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby sandraW » Sun Jul 31, 2016 3:25 pm

PW That's what has got me this far, its just over 15 months now since I lost Trevor, I try to keep going because I know he would want me too. I try not to be selfish and think why me, because its not only me, or you its happening every minute of every day to someone, and I know how lucky I am to have such special memories of him, to cherish. Its still hard though, sending you a hug love sandrax xx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Mon Aug 01, 2016 7:38 pm

PW. I just saw your post that you are struggling today. I don't think you will be off that roller-coaster for a while yet and I am thinking of you. You, with Marmalade, have shown tremendous grace and strength as you both encounter the other side of the great divide in this disease. Go to bed knowing that you are making hubby proud of you on this day, it is okay to grieve. x

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Mon Aug 01, 2016 9:36 pm

It was reading our lovely marmalade's description of Louis breathing that just brought everything back to me as it's exactly what happened to hubby in his final hours. Totally out the blue - I did not expect to react like that at all. Just shows how very good I am at blocking horrible memories.....most of the time. I know it's normal. Even now the tears are streaming so will say night night for now. I'm sure M won't read this as she has far more important matters to attend to but if you do my lovely, don't feel guilty it wasn't your fault! Xx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Tue Aug 02, 2016 7:18 am

PW I hope you are not considering that what has happened is in any way, shape or form your fault. You fought hard for hubby and hubby equally fought hard for you guys. I know you are second guessing things like chemo breaks etc but it is futile to do that. For a lot of people chemo breaks are great and give a good quality of life and then they fall back to the chemo routine without problems after that break. The decision was not a mistake, it was a legitimate decision that was required to be taken at the time and because of the circumstances at that time. Equally, the chances are the nasty PC disease would still have carried on regardless of no break - it is just the way the blasted things works. You don't know otherwise PW and we have seen this beast turn so quickly on other people with it - all of a sudden it just sticks 2 fingers up and carries on regardless. We can always second guess ourselves and our decisions but ultimately you must keep remembering that stage 4 PC does take most people in the end... it was not something you could control, it was always mostly inevitable that hubby would succumb - and quickly when you were not expecting it. You be proud that you got him well past the median of statistics, it was a gallant fight by you all. x

Marmalade

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Marmalade » Tue Aug 02, 2016 10:47 am

I am reading PW and am so very sorry to have given you pain. I think the waves of grief will keep coming for a while yet and it's perfectly fine for you to be emotional, it's natures way of getting the pain out and laying the foundations for healing.

I know you understand that I have to get my thoughts out and I love you for it, I have to do it for myself, for those who are holding my hand across the interweb and for those who fear caring for their loved one at home and the dying process itself. The writing gives comfort to me and may, one day give reassurance to another tortured soul facing the final fling, but you knew that didn't you? Bless you x

I hope that today will be easier to face and that when you chat to hubby you will feel reassured that you did good, that he is at peace and that you can look forward with confidence.

Much love M xx

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Fri Aug 05, 2016 11:13 am

Oh my goodness M, of course you must get your thoughts out. It's just very hard to explain in words that although we've never met and I don't know Louis from Adam, I really, really care about you both. Believe it or not, I take a lot of comfort and enjoyment from reading your posts and I think it's a most amazing selfless act to think about giving reassurance to someone else that they can care for a loved one at home, truly I do, so do not and I repeat, do not change your writing in any shape or form!!! The wobble I had and the wobbles that will follow will do me good because I don't let go of my emotions unless someone forces them out. I was shocked at how your post affected me only because I wasn't aware just how well I was blocking horrible thoughts out.

Today is a good day. Yesterday I took myself off to the hairdressers. Long story short, because time was so limited during the last few weeks of hubby's life I let someone I shouldn't cut my hair as it was convenient. OMG I have never had such a hair disaster ever in my life! Over the years I've struggled to find someone who can manage my unruly hair and many a time hubby said go and treat yourself and get your hair cut by a known stylist - only because if they can't do it right, nobody can. I resisted all my life as I didn't feel I could justify the cost but yesterday, feeling as I did, I gave in! Best decision of my life. My weight is very much an issue for me and clothes an even bigger struggle so I like to compensate by making sure my hair and nails look okay. I now feel loads better!

Better still, I was recommended to a hypnotherapist so I'm just about to make an appointment to help with weight loss. We shall see! I found this particular hairdresser by googling at 3 o'clock in the morning when I couldn't sleep - I'd like to think hubby influenced my decision to go to her because if I do manage to lose my weight, it will be a miracle hahahahaha!

Hubby was always the driver in our family and always wanted to drive me to wherever I needed to go so of course, that has all changed now. It might sound pathetic but I don't like driving to places I don't know but I found my way there and back without too many wrong turns! That in itself made me feel good as I have to be independent now.

Being totally honest, I think I am doing exceptionally well considering. Each morning I talk to hubby's photo, I tell him I love him, I miss him, my glass is half full (used to be half empty) and that I will make the best of the day. More I can't do at this stage but I am learning to accept there will be triggers that will set me back and if they didn't, I wouldn't be normal.

I'm taking it one day at a time and if, like today I can say it's a good day, I'll take that....with open arms.

Love and hugs to all of you xxx

Marmalade

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Marmalade » Fri Aug 05, 2016 6:08 pm

Atta girl PW,

I have unruly hair too! It really is freaky the things we have in common. I have asked admin to give you and the other regulars my email address. We definitely have to meet up one day.

I will be very interested to know if the hypnotherapist works - I'm done with diets.

Think you are doing well? Of course you are doing well, just as hubby would want you to.

Much love, M xx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Sat Aug 06, 2016 8:47 am

PW, wobbles are fine and letting your emotions go is fine. It is not only good for you but it also shows others that it is okay to come here and have wobbles and be supported. This is what we are here for isn't it? To support each other in the ups and downs and to be patient and to understand and then to give lots of cyber support.

I am glad you had a good day yesterday and had a lovely hair cut. In those times when you are down you need to hold onto that and know that with every passing week those moments will increase and you will forge a new and differently lovely life whilst remembering fondly how you got there.

A hypnotherapist for weight loss sounds a good a plan as any. I have just started running again to try and get mine under control but I only do it if I am up early or late enough that it is stealth and no one can see my tubby bits bouncing up and down as I go at 0.01 mile an hour. I always worry now. Because my nan on my mums side died early of bowel cancer and then my dad has PC and the gene mutations for both can be the same... I feel like I could also leave my kids far too early. I need to healthy up (not that it helped my dad!). Anyway, it really is great to do positives to make yourself feel good. You are empowered to influence what you can and it will give you some strength to carry on through the rest of it.

My dad is also the driver with my mum to everywhere. If it was a party as well he always drives and my mum drinks because he is not bothered. Our large family mainly lives in London and I should remind him today that he cannot go anywhere because I do not want to be designated driver! I would have to though.... to smooth the path for my mum and maintain some normality for her should the worst happen. Have you tried something simple like a decent SAT NAV for when you are driving? They are so great when you get used to the timing of the turns on them.

You are doing so so well hun. There will though be many bumps in this road and just know that when there are... we are right here for you.

xxx

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Sat Aug 06, 2016 9:32 am

Morning DG, see you are online, just reading your post!!

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Sat Aug 06, 2016 9:47 am

I would LOVE to meet up Marmalade. It would be great if there was a small group of us who could communicate/meet up outside of this forum. I think possibly it would do us all good but when the time is right.

Let's chat via email once admin do the necessary, I'd love to find out where everyone is from and then DG, I do my best to find the rendezvous. I do have a brilliant Sat Nav but I made the mistake of thinking that I knew better than it, so I spent that journey hearing "recalculating" "recalculating" "recalculating" hahahaha!

I'm afraid exercising (other than walking) is out for me, i have too many physical problems, plus I'd probably cause numerous accidents if I was seen jogging. I have a LOT of weight to lose but my diabetes medication makes me hungry (it's known for that) and because I'm not smoking anymore, it becomes harder and harder to lose weight. However, as a yoyo dieter my whole life, if I try a new means, I seem to succeed the first time and hypnosis is a first for me....you never know. At least it's something positive for me to do.

When hubby was first diagnosed, we had a film made where he was giving advice to my son and I for the future, that we could look back on after... Well I watched it a few days ago and one of the things he said to me was, "don't worry if you anyone comments that you are too fat, too thin...one ear in and one ear out" so by jove, I'm going to live by that one piece of advice!

Wishing everyone a lovely, peaceful weekend. My sunlounger awaits. xxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Sat Aug 06, 2016 9:54 am

I am just popping out but have you thought to try that bloody metformin I hate. It is supposed to be a great diabetic medication and one of the side effects is weight loss... a win win perhaps. A lot of people get on with it but not my dad so we all know I hate the stuff. x

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Sat Aug 06, 2016 10:02 am

That was the first medication I tried. OMG it made me feel sick, full of wind and unable to go out unless a toilet was within a distance of 1 foot. Not a pleasant experience at all! I was told to try the slow release version but they are the size of missiles and I find it difficult to swallow large tablets. I'm in the hater's club!! xxx

Judith16
Posts: 25
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2015 7:09 pm

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Judith16 » Tue Aug 09, 2016 6:29 pm

PW Glad to hear you had a good day, would love to have a meet up, would love to email chat with everyone to.

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Tue Aug 09, 2016 8:34 pm

Judith, I have tried to message you from facebook - I cant seem to work how to do it from group!

Check your messenger - we can chat more opening over there.

Hope things as well as they can be your end xx