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boa
Posts: 128
Joined: Thu Jul 09, 2015 12:13 pm

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby boa » Fri Jul 08, 2016 6:19 am

PW
It is almost six months since my husband died. I can tell you that your feelings are the same as most of us in your situation and many of us wonder why we are allowed to carry on when a loved one couldn't. But the other thing I can tell you is that in time the feelings get better and you adjust to what has happened. I'm so glad you have the support of your son. You say that you know your current feelings won't last forever and I think that this is an important aspect of the healing process so that we can look forward to time where things have changed and that we accept that our lives are now different. Please post when you can.
Catherine

Marmalade

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Marmalade » Fri Jul 08, 2016 12:59 pm

Hi PW,

So glad you are not far from us. Finding somewhere to live is a hugely stressful situation so no matter what the pressure, take your time. We've done very well buying and selling over the years but always have the same rule, sell yours first and move into rented it necessary - being a cash buyer who has already sold gives you the very best bargaining power.

Try not to beat yourself, it's part of the grieving process and it's horrible but it will pass. You had a wonderful husband who you miss terribly. You feel sad because it is a sad situation, you are not mad and you don't have to get over it. Time will make it bearable. Much love xx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Sun Jul 10, 2016 1:36 pm

Hey PW, I suspected you were still looking in on us and we know you are supportive even if you cannot post. You have a lot on your plate and as we have all said, you need to look after yourself and your son at this time.

How is the house hunting going? I do hope you find somewhere suitable soon so that it one less thing to worry about. We are moving on 20th August which will be a bit of a wrench. I live in the same village as my parents currently and we are moving to the city. I am not sure if it is the wrong or right time to be honest and I keep changing my mind. We will still only be 10 minutes away though.

I hope things have settled with having Hubby's ashes home. It must have been strange and hard to cope with. It is natural that you will yearn for him and physically ache to see him and also to keep going over things. Hubby would not want you to suffer and he wants you and your son to thrive and when you are ready, you can get the Counselling to help with this if you think that is right for you. There is no rush in these things, it is such early days in your grieving process.

It is amazing the personalities that shine though these times. People that you think would be useless turn out to brilliant and then people you thought would be there just can't cope with it the way we need them to. I think people touched by cancer also have such a different and supportive perspective on it that you just cannot get unless you have been through it.

I hope your son is continuing in being a tower of strength to you, it must be so hard for him also and you are right to be very proud of him. You have each other and that is a good thing and he has your hubby running through his veins and that must be of great comfort to you.

You won't feel lost forever and you will find the path again towards a different happiness.

Lots of love.

xx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Wed Jul 13, 2016 9:17 am

PW, I never know if it is the right thing to post on here and say again that I am thinking of you. But I am. You need to deal with things the way you need to deal with things but you are not forgotten, and neither do you need to post anything back. x

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Mon Jul 18, 2016 9:05 am

Hey PW, how is the house hunting going. I hope you and your son are coping. You know we are here for you if you need us. x

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Jul 24, 2016 3:00 pm

Please don't ask me about house hunting. I have yet to meet one single estate agent with an ounce of decency or the ability to tell the truth. Funny thing is I can see straight through their lies.

We are coping as well as can be expected thank you. I have found a coping strategy. I just imagine hubby away on business. At the moment, it's far too painful and raw to think about him dying or dead so I don't. I have photos everywhere and I talk to him as though he's in the house with me. Problem is, with my son back at work now, I talk to myself all day when at home and it's becoming a habit. I was out a few days ago and a lady said do you realise you are talking to yourself. I didn't. Not in public! I am not sure whether by refusing to accept he's died I am making the grieving process harder but it gets me through each day so that's what I shall do for now. On the odd occasion that I allow myself to consider what's happened, the pain is just to unbearable and after losing both my parents in the way that I did, I've learned how to block out things that hurt too much.

The hardest part of all for me to stomach is the thought that he wasn't ready to die. I remember him saying he wanted to do whatever was necessary to stay with my son and I for as long as possible (and this came from someone who prior to diagnosis never believed in chemo). It hurts so much that he won't be around (physically) to see my son marry and have children. Everyone else carries on with their lives but his was ended far too young. I would willingly give up my right to see him and live on my own for ever if it meant he could still be alive.

I think it will be a lot easier for me personally when we move home (this house has been so unlucky) and there are too many memories here. I know everyone is different but I think it will help for me to make a new home but take hubby with me if that makes sense? I also really don't like looking at his ashes. Hubby was such a brave strong intelligent man, I have trouble coming to terms with seeing his remains in a temporary casket in a cardboard box (I'm going back to funeral director next week to have some taken out for jewellery to me made and the rest to be put in a shattering tube). To me, it's just not dignified so the sooner I can carry out his final wish of scattering the ashes at sea from a cruise ship, the better!!

Anyhow, enough from me. To each and everyone of you on this unwelcome journey, much love xx

It's been 6 weeks today since my world was shattered

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Mon Jul 25, 2016 1:16 pm

Oh PW, you are doing great and I can't believe it has been 6 weeks already. It is nice to have you back although I do wish you never had to even be on this forum.

I am sorry the house hunting stuff is turning into a bit of a nightmare because it is the last thing you need but I am sure you will find the right place soon... don't let their scheming for commission wind you up.

I don't think most people are ready to die unless they make it into really old age PW so don't beat yourself up. I know what a bitter pill it is to have been given the PC diagnoses so young and it doesn't help but there are always those worse off. We have a woman at my sisters school who is early 30's with young daughter who has been given a terminal diagnoses. Cancer is just pants. My dad doesn't want to die... we have been cheated and we all know that. Life does carry on though and I can only imagine the pain of seeing it where you are now but the key is to remember the good times, enjoy your lovely son and don't let things become bitter. The best you can do to honour him is to live, find happiness (which will come eventually) and help your son become the man of his image that you are seeing more and more since this happened to you both. Every time I see people my dad's age smoking, drinking, overweight (not that there is anything wrong with it all or them) I can feel anger that my lovely healthy dad got this. He fought his whole life to be fit and healthy and to be there for my son. My son is 16 and my dad is his dad in every way. They are inseparable and he brought him up with me. I have the issue that my son is not given the same leeway and sympathy because it is seen as his grandad and it is hard.

And, you are not talking to yourself hun... I hope he is with you in spirit and listening to every word and laughing that you got caught chatting in public. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.... keep on chatting.

Sounds like booking that cruise would be a great idea for you. Where you thinking and can I come :)

Much love to you. x

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Mon Jul 25, 2016 7:49 pm

I totally agree with you DG. When I have really down and self pitying moments, I think about the 28 year old sister of a hairdresser I met who had been diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer at exactly the same as my hubby. She was given 1-2 years, hubby was given 3-6 months. She lasted only 8 months, hubby lasted 14 months so absolutely, there as so many others out there who have drawn an even shorter straw.

As to the cruise, I just don't know. My son now HATES cruising after taking so many voyages when he was younger plus of course there is no internet or telephone access whilst at sea - what 21 year old doesn't need their smart phone surgically removed! He's told me that he will come on a 2-3 night cruise but they only go as far as belgium and I'd imagined something a little bit more exciting such as the caribbean or monte carlo for example to send hubby off somewhere he'd love. So I have a dilemma, scatter ashes where I don't really want to scatter them or scatter them on my own. I don't know if it makes a difference where they are scattered as the sea will take them where the sea wants them but I'm scared I make the wrong decision and hubby won't approve.

Anyhow, there's no immediate rush and I'm sure I will find a solution. xxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Mon Jul 25, 2016 8:04 pm

Hubby will approve of anything you do because it will consider what he wanted balanced against the realities of life. I am not sure how your finances are but how about a friend for your lad to come along. Or perhaps a compromise with hubby that he would approve of.... You could book a nice holiday and often resorts do overnight or couple of night cruises to places. I think we were on the Greek islands and got a cruise that included Egypt for a few nights. If things were reversed and you gave you wishes to your husband would you mind if he adapted them slightly to achieve nearly the same thing? I am sure he just wants you both to be happy. I do think it is important your son is there and there is a middle ground... perhaps there are other options to suit you both and hubby. I would suggest, because I have done it myself before, that you go to a small independent travel agent because they are so great. Tell them what you want and why and take your son to say what he wants... their knowledge and solutions will likely inspire you. There are some still about.. I have used Advanced Travel in Stony Stratford before and they were amazing. It is a personalized service and they worked out cheaper than the big companies. x
Last edited by Dandygal76 on Tue Jul 26, 2016 1:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:07 am

I'm taking my son to LA in September as it's somewhere he's always wanted to visit and I think after what's happened, he deserves a decent holiday! When we couldn't agree on a suitable ash scattering cruise I mentioned about doing it in LA but hubby was very specific about doing it from a cruise ship that I just have to respect his wishes. In any event, I think it's a nice idea as the captain of the ship overseas this and will conduct a short religious service which I find quite comforting. It's all done very respectfully so I have to keep reminding myself it doesn't matter where, as the tide will take the ashes away anyhow and if it is done closer to home, then each time I cruise in the future, I will sail past "the drop off zone" for want of a better description!!

Thank you for your opinion on whether son should be present or not. I'm an independent person and I suppose a very capable person and would have done it alone if I had to - just didn't know what was the right thing to do, trying to keep hubby and son happy at the same time I suppose. I'm hoping an itinerary comes up that appeals to him but I'm probably being delusional!! I would have to book him his own cabin and on cruises you have to pay near on double for single occupancy so I would happily have him take someone with in his cabin but that's not the problem. It's not being able to access facebook, whatsapp, twitter etc whilst at sea. Apparently! I do agree to a certain extent, I hate not been able to access emails or surf the net in between ports but I hate flying so cruising from Southampton is such a winner for me.

You have however put my mind at rest that it doesn't really matter where the ashes are scattered as long as they are scattered.

Lots of love xxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:43 am

Hi PW

I did not mean to be too opinionated about your son and I know you are very independent. It is just at 21 they still don't really get it and I thought he may regret not doing it with you later. I just know in my life I did not really 'get it' and appreciate my parents until I had my own kids. But, I obviously do not know your son.

They are a nightmare around these electronics... I don't know how we coped in our youth. I also never realised you could not get signal from a cruise ship... but yes, I can see the issue now.

Whatever you choose will be okay and it will be beautiful.

X

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Fri Jul 29, 2016 8:50 am

How are you doing PW. Keep seeing you post for others but was wondering how things are your end. x

Marmalade

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Marmalade » Fri Jul 29, 2016 11:56 am

Hi PW,

I think LA will be wonderful and whatever you decided on where to scatter ashes will also be perfect! Hubby married you and lived with you and I am sure that plans you made together sometimes changed so I'm sure he would go along with whatever you decide, you will have done your best and that is all we can do.

Estate agents, yuk! I will have to see how I feel but I might try and do it myself when the time comes or use one of those companies like the one Sarah Beaney mentions. I will have to get a book….

Talking to yourself - I've been talking to myself for years as I often feel I am the only person who understands me. I have always chatted to my departed Dad when I am gardening, either out loud or in my head. It's not harming anyone else.

Thinking of you, M xx

Proud Wife
Posts: 727
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Proud Wife » Fri Jul 29, 2016 6:59 pm

I think I inadvertently answered your question DG on M and Louis' thread! I think I'm doing pretty good considering. I've stopped looking back at the last weeks, days and hours. I've stopped thinking about him laying there in his yellow submarine because it is just too painful. I think about hubby probably every minute of every day but I try to concentrate on the happier memories because he told me over and over and over again not to dwell on the negative but to focus on the positive. I just want to make him proud of me every day and to know that come bed time, I know he will think that I've done okay.

I still think I'm in denial, I don't think about him being dead but I just think about him. I've said it before but whether that's the right way to mourn I don't know but it works for me and I'll take that for the time being. It gets me through each day and I can't ask more than that during these early days.

Love amd strength to you all xxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

Postby Dandygal76 » Sun Jul 31, 2016 11:04 am

PW, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to mourn, we all have to do it our own way and I for one am amazed at how you are coping and hubby would be proud of you. If there is denial then that is also to be expected and the mourning process will work its way through all these things naturally so don't worry that it is not how you expected it. As you said on M's thread, there is no choice unfortunately and history has shown time and time again that people do come out the other side and find a different happiness.

I hope you are having a decent weekend considering all you are going through. I have been to my cousins wedding and stopped away which was lovely and dad enjoyed himself. I find typing on the forum on my phone difficult but I did keep an eye on things and would have responded if anyone was in desperate need. It seems the forum has been very quiet this weekend though and I hope this is because everyone on here is doing okay at the moment. x