A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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lynbo
Posts: 269
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:23 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby lynbo » Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:35 am

Hi it's 2.30am
I've been laid 'thinking' again.
I don't think some people realise that Christmas isn't always such a happy occasion?
So, I too am thinking of you all and sending love.
One of my friends contacted me today to say that she too wants to donate to PCUK instead of sending Christmas cards.
I was touched
Xxxxxx

NiaD
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2011 10:24 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby NiaD » Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:08 pm

Hallo to everyone,
It's almost nine months since I lost my husband, Kevin. He was my soul-mate, my one and only and I am in despair. Christmas was awful without him and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am in work, sort of...having a few days off sick (not for the first time recently). I hate letting them down, but have been crying more and more. I do manage to sleep most nights, but not before my mind has gone over and over the last weeks that Kev and I spent together. He was diagnosed and gone within a month. I play it all over in my head so many times. It's heartbreaking and I keep coming up with more questions and blaming myself for not realising there was something wrong. I know that this is illogical. I know that I did all I could, but it doesn't stop me from thinking that I should have done more...
What a cruel world this can be.
I am sending good wishes to everyone suffering from this awful disease and all the family members left behind dealing with the awful aftermath. I had some counselling with Cruse and it WAS helpful. I am going to go back for some more and I urge anyone in this position to try it, it really can help. Best wishes to everyone. xxxx

LAURA81
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2012 6:01 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby LAURA81 » Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:05 pm

Hi everyone.I came across this site for information and advice a few months ago when my dad was diagnosed with pc.My dad passed away on the 7th of december and it was really sudden and unexpected. We knew that the cancer was termianal and that he only had a few months left but we thought he would be with us for xmas, which he was really looking forward to.aswell as my wedding next week. i have now postponed my wedding as its too soon and i cant imagine getting married now without my dad giving me away. it has been such a terrible time and he was in a lot of pain which was so hard to see. i keep telling myself that he is no longer suffering or in pain and is in a better place but nothing can take the pain away. When my dad first passed and on the day of his funeral and the days following i felt a strange kind of calm and strength. i felt my dad was keeping me strong. but i have had a bad few days recently where i feel so upset and angry. the hardest thing is not coping with my pain but seeing how upset my mum is. life really will never be the same for her. they were married for over 30 years and never spent a night apart.she said she wished she had died with him and that she has no future and will never be happy again.it hurts me so much to see her like this. i'm trying my best to comfort her and be there for her but there's nothing i can do to take her pain away and it kills me .

PCUK Nurse Jeni
Posts: 1014
Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:30 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby PCUK Nurse Jeni » Mon Jan 16, 2012 5:43 pm

Hi Nia and Laura81,

I am very sorry to hear about the pain you are both going through with the loss of a loved one to pancreatic cancer. It is a difficult disease, and very viscous the way it takes hold of a person so fast. Also, although there is never a good time, it is particularly difficult around the celebration season, as memories are never far away. Others seem busy going about their business, and it is difficult to make sense of what is happening around you.

I do hope you both find some peace soon, and remember, that the support line is always available for support, or a listening ear.

Kind regards,

Jeni.

sharrie
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:33 am

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby sharrie » Mon Aug 20, 2012 8:59 am

Hello,

This is the first time I´ve posted anything on any kind of forum. I´ve read what others have written and their words could have been written by me.

I lost my husband six months ago. He was diagnosed with PC two years ago but was able to have an operation to remove the tumour. He tolerated the after treatment extremely well, gained weight, was getting fitter. We really thought he´d been given a "second chance". But suddenly his health went into decline with various other complications and, shockingly, he died in March.

I feel part of me died with him. We met when I was 18 and have been together every day since, every day for 38 years. I feel so empty and lost and every morning when I awake the thought of the day stretching ahead of me without him, fills me with dread. Tears flow all to easily and too often. I´m so tired. I haven´t had a good night sleep since he died and the emotional turmoil is exhausting too.

I´ve just celebrated what would have been his 70th birthday by going to the Cathedral, lighting a candle and quietly reflecting on the wonderful life we had together. Next month would have been our 33 wedding anniversary. Then it´s my birthday, then Christmas. But every day is like an anniversary to me - a first day without him.

We didn´t have children so there is no-one to share my grief with. I have really good friends who have been wonderful and supportive but I´m aware they are getting on with their lives whilst my life, as I know it, is over. I just wish I could stop the pain.

Thank you for listening.

mints
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:43 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby mints » Mon Aug 20, 2012 12:14 pm

Hi Sharrie,

First of all,welcome.
There are many of us in this exclusive club that no-one wants to be in, but it can be a huge comfort, if only to know we are not alone.
The tears, tiredness, and the dread of each day does ease, I think, by doing little things that bring us comfort, like lighting a candle.
I went through our photo album and put a lot more photos of us around the house, birthdays and anniversaries, I stll put out old cards we sent each other.
Friends and family can be great but they're not always there for the very low moments, we generally choose to have those alone, don't we.
It's been just over a year since my husband died, and like you I feel a part of me has died also(and sometimes wishes it),sadly I don't think we can stop the pain, just learn to live with it.Time takes us into another era that is completely alien to us and out of our control.
I find the evenings the worst, I still chat to him, and imagine a reply, I'm sure if someone saw me they'd think I was bonkers.
There are days though, thats not enough, when I miss him so much I have what I call
" a bad day" Then I attempt to remember the laughter, his smile,and the memories that will stay forever.

Be kind to yourself Sharrie,

sharrie
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:33 am

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby sharrie » Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:42 am

Thank you, Mints, for your kind words.

I feel so alone. I want to talk about my husband all the time, try and figure out what actually happened and why he died. So many questions. Although his CA19 readings were very high, a PET scan came back clear - just a week before he died. The cardiologist had seen him a few days before and was happy and said she didn´t need to see him for another six months. I just don´t understand how this has happened.

I keep thinking I´m living in a bad dream and one day I´ll wake up and he´ll be there beside me, his hand reaching out for mine as it did every morning for so many years. I still can´t believe he´s gone. How does anyone get over this awful sense of despair?

A friend told me that the pain I´m feeling now is the price we pay for love and that every tear is worth a moment of a life shared. I´m sure you too have shed many tears and I am deeply sorry for your loss as I know what you are going through. I wouldn´t wish this pain on anyone. I too have looked through old photographs and have placed one in every room. And I like the idea of putting up cards we´ve sent to eachother - I´ve got quite a collection, 38 years worth in fact.

Thanks again, Mints. it´s comforting to know you´re there.

Sharrie x

mints
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:43 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby mints » Wed Aug 22, 2012 2:55 pm

Hi Sharrie,

Again, a similar story.
We saw a district nurse in the morning who said she would "flag up"when things got worse.
Later that day my husband collapsed and died, alone, while I was at the shops.
I remember spending days analysing coversations with health proffessionals, and tormenting myself with different senarios,but as they say, hindsight...
Just as you describe I can relate to waking up and taking a few minutes to realise it's true.
Like you I wanted to talk about my husband to friends and family but I think they got a little fed up with it.
I still find it hard to be in the company of couples,and some people even suggest I might meet somebody else, I know they mean well but,I guess they don't realise what we meant to each other.
I would love to offer you some advice to help heal the pain, but I think it's different for all of us, with some similarities.

Take care.

cally
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:04 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby cally » Sat Aug 25, 2012 4:42 pm

Hi everyone

I have not posted before and did not find the forum until quite recently. I don't want to depress anybody but I lost my only son Gavin to this evil c****r. After a major surgery in 2009 (he was 39), he was having problems which was attributed to IBS and the like. They removed his spleen part of his intestines that had twisted and died and part of his pancreas and fitted him with a colostomy bag, telling him when his intestines had had time to recover they would do a reversal. A week after leaving hospital he was readmitted with severe abdominal pain and went through a further surgery and went to ICU for a week. In all this time he had lost 3 stone in weight at 6ft 3ins it was not too obvious. He was told they would send him an appt. for December to have a scan and the reversal in the new year. When December came and he heard nothing he phoned and they said they had no record of him!!!! they finally gave him an appt for a scan in January in February he had a letter from Oncology for an appt. Needless to say I knew what this
meant but said nothing, we both sat at that appt to hear the consultant say "this is serious you have PC" to say we were gobsmacked is an understatement the surgeon the previous August had done a biopsy but chose not to tell us the results!!!! After a 3 month course of 3weeks on and 1 off of chemo he chose not to have (his words) any more of that poison pumped into him. He had several stints at the hospital and spent end of Oct & Nov 2010 in the [name removed - moderator] and Dec in [name removed -moderator](hospice) he only wanted to come home to his own flat that he bought in Dec 2008. We brought him home and I moved into his spare room and the district nurses called everyday. He passed peacefully on 10th January.
I am still in pieces, I tried to return to work but they made me redundant, I have had counselling, didn't think it was for me, but I do get a lot of support from another forum for bereaved parents. It is a very hard and lonely road, my partner tries I have been with him over 10 years and he is very fond of Gavin, communication with my daughter is very strained, I just feel so very empty and alone. Gavin stayed living at home until he was 35, [name removed -moderator] is very expensive to buy and he said he would rather give me board than go elsewhere. We had such a brilliant relationship and I miss him so much.

I am sorry if I have overstepped the mark but once I had started it was difficult to stop. My heart goes out to everyone walking this road with PC.

Best wishes
Gavin's mum, Catherine

louiepc
Posts: 238
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:38 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby louiepc » Sat Aug 25, 2012 7:40 pm

Dear Catherine

I am very sorry to hear of your Son's terrible ordeal. For me it is quite frightening reading this as I am very nearly your Son's age.

He was so young, and seems terribly unfair and unjust not only by that fact of having this hidious cancer but also by the lack of care/information from the doctors.

I lost my mum 8 months ago, and have a vague idea of what you are going through, but cannot really offer any help as the age difference and relationship is so far apart.

There are a few people on here who have lost children/husbands/wives in this age bracket. I hope that you get some help from this site, it is a very good informative site and I have made friends on here who know what you are going through.

Take care.

louie xxx

Ella50
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:14 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby Ella50 » Sat Aug 25, 2012 8:05 pm

Oh Catherine,
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your precious son Gavin.
The time they took to diagnose to the heartbreaking loss is surreal.
I lost my mam just over 6 weeks ago to PC ,she was diagnosed on the last day of April, the quickness of it was so so frightening, I still cant believe she has gone.
As Louie said, its so hard to imagine your loss, of your child.. Im 42yrs myself and have one daughter, 24yrs. I cannot begin to imagine what you must be going through.
Its great that you had an amazing relationship and spent so much time together at home, that must be a comfort to you.

My heart goes out to you Sharrie - and everyone who is suffering on here, ive read all your stories and cried buckets but also gives strength to know your not alone, and your feelings are normal - Seeing my dad suffer losing my mam after over 45 devoted yrs together, watching him so lost at times.. it breaks my heart..I really hope you find some strength on here, it helps me.. as we are all suffering through this awful disease.
I feel a physical pain of loss, and I know it can over whelm you.. Im getting worse as time goes on. We had a service Monday as my mams stone was ready.. and it has set me back. It helps that I talk to my mam every day.. Its the 'first' of everything without her is really hard, we seen eachother everyday, if not then we spoke on the phone, us, her family were her life and she doted on us.. got to remember how lucky I am to have had that, nothing can break that bond, your love or precious memories. Ive had some signs to tell me she is ok, is so comforting. Some days there is just nothing anyone can say or do to help you, its so hard.

Take care everyone, thinking of you all
Lots of love
Ella xxx

TRAC3Y16
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2012 1:42 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby TRAC3Y16 » Mon Oct 08, 2012 9:38 pm

Hi, I am new to your forum so before I post anything on a topic I wanted to know if there is anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one who are in the same frame of mind as myself.
Before I go into any detail I'd like to know if the subject of over-medication in pancreatic cancer is an acceptable subject to discuss ?.
I have so many things going through my mind in relation to my much loved & greatly missed Nanna's death who passed away 2 weeks ago today.

Thank you.
Tracey.

susikus
Posts: 188
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2012 11:01 am

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby susikus » Tue Oct 09, 2012 7:58 am

I'd be happy to discuss this Tracey, though I can't speak for others. I suggest you start a new thread though
hth
Sue

lynlee
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 10:53 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby lynlee » Tue Oct 16, 2012 12:21 am

My brother and I lost our beautiful mum on September 19th 2012, three months after she had developed jaundice, which lead us to discover that she had pancreatic cancer. We thought we had been given a lifeline when our mum was able to have the whipple procedure to remove the cancer, but in the weeks after the surgery the cancer hadn't gone and had spread. We were told that there was nothing else they could do for her on Sept 18th and she passed away peacefully the following night.
My mum blew me the biggest kiss that day and it's something I will never forget. Our mum was never in any pain, and always managed a smile everyday, even if it was just a little one. She has been the bravest lady ever, to go through everything that she went through in those three months.
I have not been in work since July, I'm due to return next month. I took time off to care for my mum, and I'm so glad that we shared so much time together, and she told me everyday how much of a good job I was doing.
My mum was 60 years old, and up until the last 3 months, worked full time, drove a car, she basically lived life to the full. We still can't believe that she has gone, because everything has happened so quickly it hasn't sunk in. We try to do normal things, but our mum is with us every second of every day.
She was and still is quite simply the best, and both my brother and I are thankful for the wonderful life that she gave us. Love you always mum xxxx

Lynsey and Lee xxxx

susikus
Posts: 188
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2012 11:01 am

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby susikus » Tue Oct 16, 2012 8:03 am

Lynsey and Lee, I am so sorry to read about your lovely mum. Three months is such a short time and now life must feel very strange without her. My husband is 58 so I am guessing that you might be similar ages to my girls (23 & 24). The sort of age when you feel like you ought to be grown up but you know you aren't. And losing your mother is one of life's hardest lessons of all. You will carry her with you, always, in your heart and in you, she lives on. Talk about her lots and go easy on yourselves, it will take a lot longer than three months for you to feel at peace. There will be ups and downs and you can come and talk to us whenever you want to. Thank you for posting and telling us about your beautiful mum.
With love
Sue
xxx