A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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PCUK Nurse Jeni
Posts: 1019
Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:30 pm

Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby PCUK Nurse Jeni » Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:38 am

Welcome to this new forum. We hope this forum will be a space where you can support each other after the loss of a loved one.

mints
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:43 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby mints » Tue Aug 09, 2011 7:14 pm

Not sure if this is the right section to post this on, but I found this very moving.
A friend of mine wrote this in a card she sent me.
"When the sky is not so cloudy,and you start noticing the sunshine,then just you remember his smile,and then remember all the times you were the reason for it."

mints
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:43 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby mints » Mon Oct 24, 2011 11:03 am

It's been three months since I lost my lovely husband to PC, and I honestly don't know how I have reached this point.I've read other posts of anniversaries and I guess everyone is different, with some similarities.I've already had my birthday and our wedding anniversary, and I've volunteered to work for christmas.
I went back to work quite quickly,I cope because he wanted me to be ok and worried about me being so. I want to hit the next person who tells me I must be so strong,they don't see me break in half when I walk into an empty house,especially when I'm tired.
Losing my soulmate has literally cut me in half,some people don't find our love in a whole lifetime,we had 23 years,but wanted another 23+
He left me some messages on my laptop for the difficult days, but i'm trying not to watch them as I'll have nothing left,I have lots of memories I know,and I talk to him often, but on some days that's not enough.
I know I'm not the only person this is happening to but I could really do with some advice on how best to cope.

lynbo
Posts: 269
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:23 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby lynbo » Mon Oct 24, 2011 5:25 pm

Hi
It's been a year for me, tomorrow would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary but my second without Andy.
We were together 15 years, but being 34 and a widow I'm still struggling, time isn't healing, in fact, I can't even think too much about what happened because, when I do I feel like I may never stop crying.
Some days I feel like I'm coping, others I feel anger, tiredness, lost.
I can't sleep, can't concentrate, and when everyone else's lives carry on it hurts?
So, I guess, we're all in an exclusive club on here? One that no-one wants to be a member of.
We just plod on - try our best, and keep striving for survival ?
Xxxxxx

mints
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:43 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby mints » Mon Oct 24, 2011 6:46 pm

Lynbo,I think you summed it up completely.
Some days we cope, some days are truly difficult.
Like you I feel lost, angry at life itself,and tired. I've been told this is all part of the grieving prosess,but there are times I feel it's getting harder with time, not easier.
You've just confirmed for me that it does get even harder,and I too feel hurt when people go back to thier normal lives when ours will never be the same again.
I'm quite new to this club that no-one wants to be in,venting on here with a good cry seems to help temporarily,but I may need some help, I'm just not sure talking to a stranger who didn't know him will help me?
I hope you spend tomorrow as you need to.
Take care x

lynbo
Posts: 269
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:23 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby lynbo » Mon Oct 24, 2011 8:53 pm

Hi Mints
Well, I find counselling a help, but I know it's not for everyone.
It's easier for me because I'm an only child, and my parents truly loved Andy like a son.
So, for me to talk about how I feel is hard as they get upset.
Maybe you could try a few sessions?
Last year I went to the church where we got married, I'm not particularly religious, but I found it comforting, tomorrow I'm going to the crematorium to leave flowers, then to visit a friend, our bridesmaid, she lives in Switzerland now but has come home to see me xxx
I would love to tell you it all gets easier, but I suppose, it all depends on your circumstance/relationship?
We had no children, so it's just me now, and as Andy was diagnosed and passed away 7 weeks later we hardly got to grips with it all and he was gone.
I think you have done well going back to work, I haven't.
Take care
I'm thinking of you
Xxxxxx

louiepc
Posts: 238
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:38 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby louiepc » Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:37 pm

Hi Mints and Lyn

I am so very sorry for you both on losing your husbands. I am not in the same situation, it's my mum who is ill. She hasn't got very long left, we have been told weeks, not months. At the moment I cannot even imagine the pain of losing her and never having her to talk to, but I know the time will come in the not too distant future.

I honestly cannot comprehend the thought of losing Chris, my husband. He, like your husbands, is the love of my life. I know I cannot say anything that you haven't heard before, but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

louie xxxx

lynbo
Posts: 269
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:23 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby lynbo » Mon Oct 24, 2011 10:48 pm

Hi Louie
Thank you, it doesn't matter who are loved ones are, it's still awful, sad, upsetting and frustrating, as we want to do all we can.
It's good to speak with ppl who understand, as it's very hard unless you are living it or have experienced it
Xxxx

rachelqt
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 9:18 am

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby rachelqt » Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:02 am

Hi Mints & Lynne,

I wish I had words that would comfort you both, but I know there is none that can take the ache away. I really do hope you both find the strength to get through each day.

Lynne Im thinking of you today. Rachel xx

mints
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:43 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby mints » Tue Oct 25, 2011 1:36 pm

After I wrote on here yesterday I watched my messages from my hubby on my laptop,I cried my eyes out but, they were a comfort.
Lynne,I too am an only child, and I've always been happy with my own company, but this is just lonley, even if I see friends they feel distant.I'm close to my mother-in-law who at an early age lost her husband and now her son before his time. I know she recognises what I'm going through, but is in pain also.
I had a son before I met my hubby,they grew very close over the years, and he's been agreat comfort to me, but again has his own life to lead, he calls quite often. We didn't have any children together.
I'm back at work because I need to financially, maybe I'm not ready
However, I've made an app. with my g.p. to be refered for councelling.. fingers xxxx
Louie and rachel,thank you for your thoughts and prayers,I think it helps to know there are people out there who understand.

lynbo
Posts: 269
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:23 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby lynbo » Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:31 pm

Hi mints
Well an emotional day, but not as bad as last night, which was horrendous!
I totally agree, being an only child you kind of get used to yr own company, but this is very different.
My house does not feel like a home anymore, most nights the ticking of the clock makes me feel quite alone and isolated, just sat in silence?
I have many lovely friends, who I love dearly, but those little jokes, cuddles, chewing over the days events, it's not the same is it?
I'm glad you are going to go to counselling, proud of you, you can only try.
I hope the waiting list isn't too long?
The first session will be hard as you will have to tell 'your' story, but then, it should get easier?
Here's hoping so?
Today, I have a house full of flowers, and a head & heart full of happy memories xx

HelenF
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2011 1:06 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby HelenF » Wed Dec 07, 2011 3:45 pm

I have only just found this discussion forum for coping with loss. It has been 3 weeks since I lost my Dad. Nothing prepares you for this, it doesnt matter who the person is , not even when it was kind of expected. I am totally heartbroken, it seems to be getting worse some days. Some days I do nothing but think about him and how much I love him and miss him. Mornings and last thing at night are the worse. I wake up thinking about him and go to sleep thinking about him. Some nights I dont sleep at all, then I konk out I am so tired then I lie awake again and so the pattern repeats itself. I know he is in a better place but I miss him so much. I am grateful that I moved in with my Mum and Dad for the last 3 months to help look after him as I really cherish all the talking we did and I love my husband for being so understanding and letting me do that.
But now everything is so empty. I get angry at people laughing or having a good time and then I feel guilty as it's not their fault. All in all I am a bit of a mess. I am back at work, its a distraction if nothing else.
I may think about counselling at some point.
Thanks for letting me vent!

lynbo
Posts: 269
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:23 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby lynbo » Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:47 am

Helen F
Vent away, I'm finding this time of year rubbish, it is my second Christmas without Andy but I guess I was on autopilot last year? As this year feels ten times worse, I want to scream at Christmas adverts, and people fighting in queues in town, the meaning is not the same, I've no tree and no decorations, Andy loved all that, I've been in the loft looked at the boxes of decorations, cried and come down.
It's torture.
My grief has moved on, but to a level where I am making myself ill trying to remember our last Christmas, his voice, his touch, it's not a nice place.
Laying in our bed on a night just thinking, unless I have a sleeping tablet and be a zombie the next day?!
My parents are feeling it too, they haven't put a tree up, we are all totally shattered.
I'm donating what money I would have spent on cards to PCUK.
That's my bit to make good of the terrible situation
Xxxxx

dairylee
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2011 8:27 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby dairylee » Mon Dec 12, 2011 2:12 pm

Hi there,

I'm new to this as well. We lost our mum to PC on 27th December 2010. It was all so quick, she was admitted to hospital on 8th Dec, and before that had only been feeling ill for a few weeks.

We had less than 3 weeks to come to terms with the fact that our otherwise healthy mum had cancer and wasn't going to get better. We hadn't realised how close to the end she was, had hoped that she might at least have a few months so we could say goodbye. The day she died was also her 64th birthday. We are all finding it difficult as the anniversary approaches, but particularly my dad who has spent the last 12 months going through the motions but not finding any joy in life as his precious wife, who had been by his side for 43 years is no longer there. I still feel so bitter. My daughter was only 8 months old when my mum died and I feel robbed that she will never have the priviledge of knowing and having a relationship with my mum. That the version of my dad she will know will always be incomplete. I am comforted by my daughter as know that without her to distract me I probably wouldn't be coping as well as I have. My poor dad does not have that luxury.

I just wanted to share my story and let people know that as the difficult Xmas period approaches, my thoughts & prayers are with you all. It won't be easy and I'm sure many tears will be shed, but you'll get through it (this is the mantra that i'm hoping will carry me through :)

J.

mints
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:43 pm

Re: Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss

Postby mints » Mon Dec 12, 2011 6:00 pm

Hi Helen&Dairylee,

Seems we're all struggling at the moment,as xmas gets nearer.I can't wait for it to be over,I try to block out as much as possible, like Lynbo I haven't put up a tree or any decorations,not even sent a card,this is my first xmas without my husband
Helen it's tough for you as your loss is so recent.
Dairylee my heart goes out to you and your dad.
It's going to be difficult for all of us, but we will cope by trying to remember the best of times,shed a few tears, and maybe treasure those memories.

Look after yourself eveyone,

Mints