A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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Proud Wife
Posts: 720
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Sep 25, 2016 8:37 am

This all reminds me of a holiday in the south of france where we were staying in a friend's farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. My son was only around 7 or 8 at the time merrily kicking a football around the massive garden when we came across a hole in the ground housing an enormous wasp nest. Hubby thought it would be a good idea to pour barbecue lighter fuel down the hole and then ignite it to eradicate the little blighters. He was never able to wear those trousers again. His shoes didn't fare well either.

Happy Sunday xx

sandraW
Posts: 994
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby sandraW » Sun Sep 25, 2016 10:44 am

Good heavens I can't believe that I have finally found others that IRON their bed linen just like me, all my friends think I am totally crazy.
Trevor loved a "crispy bed" as he called it and said if he was rich he would have a crispy bed every day too MO.
His nickname for me was " Washy" as he said I drove him crazy, always washing, he used to tell everyone that when he used to come back home at the weekend from a week away, I met him on the door step saying "get your clothes off!! " but only because I wanted to get the washing done, and then the ironing, but he said when he was away and he was fed up, as soon as he got his clothes out he knew they were surrounded with love and he immediately felt better.
I like Egyptian cotton too Marmalade, and have always used a flat sheet as well, now a few friends have decided that that is actually a good idea. Mine don't have embroidery on them unfortunately, I gave up on fitted sheets a while ago as it used to drive me crazy ironing them, so its two flat sheets for me now, find it much easier.
We had a bumble bee's nest in our garage a couple of years ago, felt a bit intimidated for a start but we just left them alone and they didn't really bother us, they disappeared at the end of summer and never came back the next year, again all our friends said get rid of them, but we felt quite honoured to have them, but, I do not like wasps. take care and love to all sandrax xx

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Sun Sep 25, 2016 3:51 pm

Sadly I have to use the fitted sheets (hate them as you can't get them tight) because I broke my shoulder some years ago and have limited use and strength in my right arm. I find lifting the mattresses a bit of a challenge. Turning them over is quite a performance…

The hornet crawled out this morning and my friend killed it!

Am busy reading guidance notes for probate application and tax forms. I am determined not to pay huge fees for someone else to do them. I am a woman of average intelligence and competence so I am going to do it. I have found before that if you hoof up at you local tax office with forms someone will help you fill them in. Most stuff is on line these days. I am a bit cross that I need to do it but one, and only one, financial institution will not give up the money without it. All the others have coughed up and for much bigger sums because I am the wife and sole executor and have certified copies of the will and death certificate. It really is naughty of this company as it causes more work and expense and time. I may ring them and cry tomorrow, that sometimes works…

Hey ho, maybe we need another thread on dealing with bumf - my advice is don't do anything at all (death certificate excepted) until you are ready, certainly not until after the funeral, don't tell banks and the like until it suits you. They told us this on my hospice carers course and they were right!

Bit of gardening this morning and am now going to darn a teddybears nose. Hope everyone is on an even keel today. Much love M xx

Veema
Posts: 360
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby Veema » Sun Sep 25, 2016 4:49 pm

I feel utterly filthy now...ha ha ha...I have one set of nice bedding...it comes off, gets washed, ironed if I can be bothered (not often) and shoved back on! Even less chance of it being regularly changed now Nige isn't moaning on at me about it...luckily the dog doesn't care what the bedding is like!

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Wed Sep 28, 2016 3:08 am

Be yourself Veema my love, this is one place where you can thank goodness!

I think I've taken on a bit much this week. I don't feel very down just can't seem to get going. Since Louis died I've struggled with energy levels. The other thing I notice is that I have lost a lot of confidence. I make a decision then start worrying about it and change my mind. Not like me all. The tears are less now but still come unexpectedly, like now and they are tears of deep sorrow and hopelessness. He is not coming back and I must face an uncertain and solitary future. It seems too hard without him sometimes.

I know the future doesn't have to be bleak and that I will carve a life for myself eventually. My friends and family have been and are being brilliant. I am truly blessed and should be grateful but consolation seems very elusive tonight.

Tomorrow is another day and I have a haircut and a trip to the theatre to look forward to. A thought has just struck me, I wonder if those long periods of mourning that the Victorians had, where they stayed out of circulation for many months, were really to save everyone having to please other people and be good company, which is very wearing.

Too much thinking and weeping for one night I think! Louis would say " that's enough now chicken".

Hope we all have a better day when it dawns xxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 706
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Dandygal76 » Wed Sep 28, 2016 10:11 am

Dear Marmalade.

I am at work and just popped on for a quick look at what you are all up to and then I saw your 3am message. I hope you went back to bed and got some sleep!

I will message more later but just wanted to say that of course you feel lonely, sad and have taken a knock in your confidence. We are here for you my lovely and you doing just fine as can be expected and you just have to keep going and things will get better.

xxx

Proud Wife
Posts: 720
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Proud Wife » Wed Sep 28, 2016 1:57 pm

Hi Marmalade

You are struggling with energy levels because you must still be physically and emotionally exhausted. You are keeping yourself so busy with visitors, trips and making jam, you've not had a chance yet to let your body catch up.

I know exactly what you mean about lack of confidence. You are vulnerable. You have lost your life partner and the one person who's advice you could trust. Before hubby came along, I had my parents for that unconditional love. Then when they passed, I had hubby of course. Now I just have my son who I've noticed is becoming more and more unable to talk about his dad or look at photos (more of that over on my thread) so I tend now to make decisions myself and like you, I doubt whether I'm making the right choice.

However, you don't need to feel that YOU should be pleasing people or have to be good company - true friends and good family will take you as they find you. Let your feelings and those tears out, will do more harm otherwise my lovely. xxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 706
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Dandygal76 » Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:49 pm

Hey Marmalade,

I hate to think of you crying on your own at 3am in the morning. You are too hard on yourself, stress is the most exhausting thing and yet it never lets you sleep. Of course it is hard and you know it will be for a while and that there will always be moments in your life that has reflection on this point. I can remember when I went through a very stressful stage in my life and I used to say it was like the beautiful south song 'everybody's talking at me'. It is like a daze and of course you question everything. But like the song, you are going where the sun keeps shining through the pouring rain. We are here for you and this was never going to be easy.

Try and get some sleep my lovely. x
Last edited by Dandygal76 on Wed Sep 28, 2016 10:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Justamo
Posts: 385
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby Justamo » Wed Sep 28, 2016 10:09 pm

Thinking of you Marmalade.
xxxxxx

Dandygal76
Posts: 706
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Dandygal76 » Wed Sep 28, 2016 10:25 pm

Actually marmalade.. you may prefer the Harry Nilsson (Spelling?) Version thinking about it. X

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Fri Sep 30, 2016 2:47 pm

Hello lovely people, I am struggling to find words to post at the moment. I am in a holding pattern, resting, doing admin, popping into the shop for a few hours, actually I have done two whole days this week, but inside nothing has changed. I think of it in the same way as divorce, to begin with everyone is interested but after a while your story becomes boring for them. I am determined not to bore people so when they ask I say I am okay, not great but okay and talk about something else.

I feel very sorry for my business partner because I keep calling him Louis, he is a quiet young man who doesn't say much but is kind, he just smiles and says he doesn't mind being confused with a good guy.

I have a good friend coming this weekend, he is an Italian and always used to come to us when he was in the uk on business. Louis loved to practice his Italian. This friend did his best to help me take Louis to Italy, a wish I was not able to fulfil as he was just too poorly by the time the hospital finished messing him around and confirmed the diagnosis. I will not forgive them for that. We knew what it was in January but incompetence meant that the wrong scans were ordered which meant delays, rescans, waits for MDT meetings, wrong referrals and so it went on until the end of March. I find myself getting worked up about these things more now than at the time. I guess I just focus send on Louis and his wellbeing at the time.

My friend Sally has found us a holiday so it looks like we will be off to Cyprus to flop on a sun bed and have spa treatments for a week. Another wrench from the house but I have to leave it sometime, people won't always come to me. I'm excited but filled with angst.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

M xxx

jay
Posts: 407
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 2:30 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby jay » Fri Sep 30, 2016 4:05 pm

Just want to send you a hug Marmalade, holiday is a brill idea.
Its 2 years since Jem died and today someone asked did I still love my husband. It took my breath away and I felt the tears come to the surface.
Hope you have a good weekend with your friend. Always thinking of you
Jayne
x

Veema
Posts: 360
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby Veema » Fri Sep 30, 2016 4:48 pm

Gosh Jayne...some people say the most bizarre things!

I was talking to Phoebe about holidays last night...did she want to go to France again next year (as we have for the past 9 years) or on a plane to somewhere like Tenerife etc (which we used to do in October half term), but she doesn't want to do either of those things...she's asked if we can go to Cornwall or somewhere because those other places won't be the same without Dad.

I hope you enjoy it Marmalade, but understand how you're feeling. I just don't feel like going anywhere ever again, but know I'll have to. Cyprus is lovely though, we went last October to Paphos, still nice and warm, but dark by about 4.30!

Vx

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Sat Oct 01, 2016 2:21 pm

Heavens above Jayne, how crass can people be? I presume this person has not lost anyone close to them or they are a sociopath! Of course you cried, and I expect we will all cry at the loss of our soul mates forevermore. The loss continues but we get better at coping with it. Love is not something we can control or turn on and off, it is not some inanimate object we can bury, it exists and stays with us forever, in our hearts, our minds, the daily habits we shared, the children we created and every memory of our time together. It does not fade and is not conditional.

The world according to Marmalade ha ha ha

Be rested and feel loved all of you,

M xx

Proud Wife
Posts: 720
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Oct 02, 2016 6:07 am

Speechless Jayne, just speechless. What did he/she expect you to reply - no? For goodness sake. I am so sorry that someone can be that thoughtless and made you cry.

Marmalade, Cyprus will be just the tonic for you, I know that can't of been an easy decision for you. Can I come too?!!!!! xx