A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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Veema
Posts: 352
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby Veema » Mon Sep 19, 2016 8:40 pm

I was once given a card with the words 'It doesn't rain for ever, the sun eventually shines through' or something like that. DGs last comment reminded me of it, so I'm holding that thought in my mind at the minute.

lots of love and strength.

Vx

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Mon Sep 19, 2016 9:15 pm

Another day over. I am often asked what I have been doing and it's quite hard to know. Daily tasks just seem to expand and contract to fill the available time.

I did sleep last night, I still wake every two hours but went back to sleep, although I had been physically busy in the garden which helps. It's quite sad that my garden, so long my love and my solace holds little enjoyment for me now. I recall an artist aunt who wasn't able to paint for about 18 months after her husband died, maybe it's a common syndrome.

Quite a bit of what I would call rubbish and what Louis would call useful woods off cuts has been cleared from the garage today. I have told him that I am sorry but I need to have a space to put the car in this winter and to act as a marshalling place for sorting things from the loft into charity, sell, keep and chuck. I know he will think I should make more effort to sell things and take more time but I haven't the heart for it. I am still wondering what to do with a large flat bed saw, an Underwood manual portable typewriter cica 1950, possibly earlier, fishing reels, and all manner of other curiosities. Another collection for auction maybe. I don't want all the hassle with eBay and people turning up to the house or backing out of the sales.

I may go to my sisters tomorrow. It would mean being away from the house for a night or two. I've booked a room in a nice B &B ( has anyone else noticed that they are now more expensive than an hotel? Why is that?) it will be a big deal for me if I do it. Might have a chat with Louis about it later.

About the tiger...Louis bought me a soft toy tiger many years ago. It holds a baby in its mouth and for years and years it sat on the chest of drawers in our room. It's called Tigsy. Latterly it sat in Louis room and he stroked it's head every evening, sometimes he talk to it, just nonsense. Anyway, Tigsy now sits at the foot of my bed on a footstool so he can watch over me. I touch his head where I know Louis fingers have been. I swear that tiger looks at me, I mean really looks at me.
I talk to him as if he were Louis, as if he were going to answer which of course it can't, being an inanimate object but it's warm and comforting and something to focus on.

Tigsy and I pray that this night you will all have peace and refreshing rest, especially those still caring for loved ones for whom the load is heavy. Xx

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Tue Sep 20, 2016 8:00 am

Look to this day,
For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

Sanskrit Proverb

Didge
Posts: 776
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Didge » Tue Sep 20, 2016 12:03 pm

Perhaps you could ask Louis' friends first. When I was widowed pre Internet a number of his friends turned up asking if they could borrow complicated sounding tools which I didn't know I had, never mind how to use them. I was very happy to donate them or I'd still have them cluttering up the place! X

Dandygal76
Posts: 687
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Dandygal76 » Wed Sep 21, 2016 8:17 pm

That is a lovely proverb Marmalade. I hope Tigsy is bringing you lots more comfort today and that you did get to see your sister. I can imagine how hard it must be to enjoy the things you have previously but it will come if you keep today well lived as the proverb says. One day at a time lovely lady.

It sounds like Louis has stored all manner of things! It must be bitter sweet to be sorting through it all and I hope you are managing to get through it all.

Much love to you. x

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Thu Sep 22, 2016 5:55 pm

Well, I have travelled northward to my family and returned two days later in one piece although incredibly tired. I don't seem to be able to shake off the exhaustion or the waking every two hours to check on my beautiful boy as I always called him.

He would laugh because he was no spring chicken but whenever I was away from home or from him the image I had was of him when I first met him and fell in love. I wish I could post the picture but I don't seem to be able to, its of us both, me in my denim pinafore dress with my hair in bunches (I was 17) and him in his designer brown suede jacket with narrow lapels and flairs ha ha ha. I think he has a cigarette in his hand but he never really smoked, he would just carry one to look "cool". I had a vespa and an Afghan coat in those days ha ha.

It was good to be with my sister, we had another good cry. Her husband developed schizophrenia in his mid 30s which was pretty awful for her and the children as well as for him. Sadly he developed a pulmonary embolism and just dropped dead one night going to the bathroom. We are now two middle-aged widows comforting each other. It was not all doom and gloom as we had our nails done and got a facial. Its a hoot as I refuse to get undressed and be massaged anywhere other than my face neck and head. I think its weird to have a facial and be asked to take clothes off so they can massage your shoulders and back, but that may just be me. My nails are clear gel with tiny glitter mixed in, some concoction of Clarins but they look lovely, subtle but not boring. We also had a fabulous meal out at a favourite authentic Italian restaurant that we both love. Seeing my brother was also lovely but tinged with sadness because his wife has advanced bowel cancer and they are both worried about the future. I'm a bit weary of reliving Louis death now.

The drive home was 3 hours and has left me exhausted but I've been all over the house since I got home and he has not gone, I still feel his spirit all around me, not in a jumping out of the wardrobe way but the smell of his toiletries, his dressing gown on the back of the door, his wallet on the night table and Tigsy, sitting at the end of the bed holding the baby and watching over me.

It's about 7pm and I am off to get a cup of tea, put my nightie on and get my feet up with Tigsy.

I wish you all a good evening and a restful night. Big hugs,

M xxx

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Fri Sep 23, 2016 7:31 pm

I had two nights away from the house and feel like I have climbed Everest. The effort to concentrate on the 3 hour drive each way and navigating round places which are nothing like I remember has been exhausting.

It was wonderful to see my sister and brother and I wish I could parcel them up and bring them home with me but I think we would end up squabbling just like we did when we were kids, better to have occasional trips and enjoy every minute.

Coming back to the house was like being wrapped in a security blanket. I won't be rushing into any more trips for a little while.

I only cried three times today so far, once in the drapers and once in the butchers and once for darling Veema, both shops were full of staff I know who are now used to ignoring me. I don't think I've mentioned my bedlinen fetish. I love beautiful bed linen and when I feel down I buy some more. Louis never cared and said it was cheaper than most habits and less fattening than most.

I feel Nige's death and Veema and Phoebe's sorrow raw against my aching heart and I weep for them, for all of you who have born this dreadful, hideous parting, and for me.

May the love that we have for each other sustain us all this night and bring us peace.

M xx

Proud Wife
Posts: 720
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Proud Wife » Sat Sep 24, 2016 1:21 pm

But you did it Marmalade and Louis would be really proud and relieved that you were able to. Small steps remember. We all find different things comforting and reassuring and your home is clearly your castle.

Tell us more about your bedlinen fetish. What do you tend to go for?

Oh and by the way, your postings are as caring and as beautiful as ever xx

Justamo
Posts: 355
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby Justamo » Sat Sep 24, 2016 1:57 pm

Collecting bedlinen ? Oh what a coincidence.

I have a huge collection, too. Trouble is it's all dirty, and languishing in a heap in the garage waiting to be washed.

M x

Dandygal76
Posts: 687
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Dandygal76 » Sat Sep 24, 2016 4:55 pm

I am also a bedlinen fanatic Marmalade and it has to smell just right on the bed. I put clean crisp lovely smelling linen on twice a week and my partner thinks I am nuts!

I am glad you got out and to your sisters and it must have been lovely to catch up although I can imagine the 3 hours is tiring. Perhaps a coach or train would ease the way and then you can relax and eat jelly babies or something (what am I on about??).

I am glad you feel comforted at home and I think only 3 times crying was pretty darn good considering.

I hope you can relax a bit tonight and I am also sending you lots of cyber hugs as well. xxx

Veema
Posts: 352
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby Veema » Sat Sep 24, 2016 7:06 pm

Nige always liked a clean fresh bed...I on the other hand, like a lived in bed.

Vx

Justamo
Posts: 355
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby Justamo » Sat Sep 24, 2016 10:09 pm

When I am very rich I am going to have million-count cotton sheets changed DAILY and somebody else will have to launder and iron them. And put the quilt cover on.

I come from the generation that thought you had to start married life a virgo intacta with at least a dozen pairs of sheets. I was a deprived wife and only had four pairs, much to my mother's horror. She was pretty horrified at my choice of husband too, but that's another story - and another marriage.

There is something absolutely lovely about an orderly linen cupboard with everything folded just so, and just a hint of lavender bag about the place. My linen (poly cotton actually) lives under the bed for which it is destined, in those useful pull-out drawer things. But, like I say, when I'm rich I will have the linen cupboard of my dreams . . . and pay somebody else to maintain it.

And thank you Lord for providing us with poly cotton so that changing a bed daily for a poorly person is not the burden it used to be . . .

Veema, it wasn't your bed that Tracey Emin exhibited at the Tate was it ?

Sorry to lower the tone, I'll get off your thread now Marmalade !

xx
Last edited by Justamo on Sun Sep 25, 2016 8:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Sat Sep 24, 2016 11:09 pm

You are all welcome on my thread. Funny how something simple like a bed linen fetish can get people going.

For the record, I like 600 plus thread count Egyptian cotton with long single strands. I iron all my bed linen including the fitted sheets where applicable, sometimes I iron the fitted sheets on the bed but mostly not. Folding a fitted sheet is an art, or is that "a pain in the art". Nearly all linen is white with limited white satin embroidery on the top sheet fold over (yes, I use top sheets so that duvet covers don't need changing every few days, its easier to wash and iron flat top sheet and it looks pretty folded over the duvet to show the embroidery. Occasionally I allow subtle embroidery in other colours such as a duck egg blue border highlight on the duvet cover in the guest room. I have gone a little off piste of late and bought a light grey/beige colour plain sheets and pillowcases for use with white duvet in a room that has white, blue and beige shades. No polycotton, no printed designs. Duvets are silk, pillows are silk or goosedown. I have two synthetic pillows for asthma sufferers.

Mo, you don't need poly cotton, you need more of the superior cotton so that you have plenty of spares for accidents. It the dirty pile gets too big send them to the laundry, they come back pressed.

Actually I really love Jelly Babies DG and used to take them to board meetings to calm everyone down if they got too fractious.

I think I would have to breath in and out of a paper bag if I had to sleep in a "lived in" bed Veema, I'm definitely in the Nige camp and Louis found smooth clean sheets a turn on so another good reason for having them. Gosh, this thread is in danger of becoming steamy ha ha ha.

Thank you all so very much for this little interlude, you are all beautiful people.

Rest well all of you if you can, if sleep eludes you then think about our little band and how good it is to have such lovely, crazy friend, Love to you all M xx

Marmalade

Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Sat Sep 24, 2016 11:45 pm

Have just come up to bed to find a hornet on the landing. As my house guests ( male friend and latest girlfriend) are already in bed I didn't want to crash about trying to kill it before it followed me into my room. I am allergic to insect stings.

I managed to squash it against the top of the airing cupboard door with a pamphlet about the twice in a lifetime invasions of Belgium issued by the Belgian office of public information circa 1948, then thought I could open the door and finish him off but the little devil managed to get into the sheets and towels and although I can hear him I can't see him. In hind sight this was a bad move as he could be hiding anywhere. I will have to take piriton before making the beds!

The hornets are making a nest in a bird box in the garden. Suzie tried to suck them out with the pond vac but they went mental and ended up with three stings. I decided to leave them until they die off in Autumn and then open the box and turf the queen out.

Ah well, at least the beastie is not in here!

Night night, sweet dreams xx

Justamo
Posts: 355
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:38 pm

Re: Carrying On

Postby Justamo » Sun Sep 25, 2016 7:00 am

Do you have a cordless baby Dyson or similar ? I keep one upstairs for dealing with spiders in the bath which reduce me to a gibbering idiot until A Man Deals With It. These days I am constantly reminded that there won't always be A Man To Deal With It . . . .
X