A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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boa
Posts: 131
Joined: Thu Jul 09, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby boa » Tue Mar 29, 2016 5:35 pm

Linda
I remember going back to the hospice to thank them. Very difficult but I did it. It's not for everyone but my way of coping has been to have a plan for the following day. Often it's simple such as planning a shop or going somewhere for a coffee or meeting a friend or just getting my household papers in order or clearing the boot of my car of overflowing articles. That gives me a sense of purpose and then when I do it a sense of achievement. Sometimes when people ask how I'm doing I just say I have to carry on because there is no alternative. You are right we find strength from somewhere. I am determined not to define myself as a 'widow' and associate with widowed groups. I know they help some people but not for me. Mind you they may be more reliable than my young friend who forgot we were meeting for coffee today and stood me up!
Catherine

Dandygal76
Posts: 762
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Dandygal76 » Tue Mar 29, 2016 9:53 pm

How are you doing Linda? You will remember the good times and you will get through this. Remember the first meeting, remember the first time he said I love you, remember the first time you cuddled in bed. Get those photos out. You have so many good good memories. Don't let PC beat you on this last thing - you still own the good times. His smile, his laugh, his passion... it is all still with you. And talk and talk and talk. We are all strong. We can all do this, whatever stage we are at. People have done this... we are in a line of many many people before us. Sending so much love to you. x

Linda G
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:06 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Linda G » Wed Mar 30, 2016 7:25 pm

Hi Catherine, I felt I needed to visit the hospice, not quite sure why, other than to give the gifts and donations? Although it was very emotional it felt like the right thing to do. I do plan tasks for the next day otherwise I feel I have no purpose. Just routine, household stuff like yourself. I have not yet had the desire or courage to meet up with anyone outside of home. How long did it take you to feel strong enough and able to meet friends or family in a public place? I agree with you as I don't want to define myself as a "widow" either, or join any such groups - not my cup of tea. Ah don't be too hard on your friend- I bet she felt terrible when she realised! Take care.
xxx

Hello Dandygal, so - so today, thanks for asking. I know what you are saying - I suppose I just feel so sorry for myself right now. Your message made me cry (again!)but because for a fleeting moment I did recall those things. I will keep trying and talking and crying until the good memories return and bring pleasure instead of heartache. How is your dad feeling at the moment? And how are you coping?
Regards
Linda
xxx

sandraW
Posts: 1039
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby sandraW » Wed Mar 30, 2016 11:15 pm

Hi Linda,
Sorry I haven't replied to you before, I lost my husband Trevor almost a year ago now to this horrendous disease, after 20 months battling the beast. He had surgery then 6 months of chemotherapy, then 5 months summer 2014 without treatment, when he was amazingly well then another 5 months of chemotherapy, until about 6 weeks before he died.
He was very pragmatic, and had always said he wanted to die first as he wouldn't cope without me where as I would cope without him. I could hear him and still can, saying to me, you just have to get on with it you have no choice and of course I don't have any choice, its done.
Whether that has helped or not I don't know, but I have always made myself think of a happy time when those awful pictures of the end crowd in, and remember him smiling his cheeky smile.
Its truly awful loosing your special person, your soul mate, who knows you better than you know yourself, and was always there for you, but we have to do our best to cope, to honour them and their memory.
I hope you start to feel stronger soon, its very early days yet and every first thing you do without them is especially hard, but try to do them for him as I am sure he would want you to.
please take care, sending you a cyber (((hug))) sandrax xx
PS We were together 49 years 3 months and 9 days and married for over 46 years.

boa
Posts: 131
Joined: Thu Jul 09, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby boa » Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:14 am

Hi Linda
The friend who stood me up is a chap! I am a member of a Rotary Club and know him through that. But there was a bonus in that to make up he invited me yesterday to a family breakfast at his home with his wife and. 11 year old daughters. You asked how soon I went out in company again. In the last 20 years I have lost four significant people. An uncle who lived with us, my father and my mother and now nearly three months ago my husband. With each of them I tried to carry on my routine. The day after my husband died I went to my Rotary Club meeting. My sister in law who is very wise suggested that if I really wanted to go that I thought about arriving just in time and leaving just as it finished. So I did this and the young friend I mentioned above looked after me and made sure I was OK. But it's different for everyone. Take the time you need. Also, yesterday, for no reason I can explain I felt that I was turning a corner by accepting that I had to start a new life. I think this will happen to us all at different times. Just take things as they come but as you say planning simple things and achieving them helps us move on.
Catherine

Linda G
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:06 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Linda G » Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:13 pm

Hello Sandra, thank you. So sorry to hear you lost your husband Trevor. 20 months is a long time to fight PC and its great you had those good 5 months in 2014, I bet you made some memories then. I never thought Stewart would die before me - don't know why. We were only married 5 1/2 years so I feel very cheated. It was my first (and only) marriage at 55 yrs old. We were together 16 years. We only shared a home for nine years. I loved being his wife and doing "wifely" things, I love him and miss him so very much. I envy you your 49 yrs together. Thanks for your encouragement. Take care.xxxx

Linda G
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:06 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Linda G » Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:34 pm

Hi Catherine,
I bet a family breakfast was better than coffee in a cafe - worth being stood up for! You sound so brave and strong. The very thought of meeting anyone I haven't already seen since Stew died, reduces me to tears. Your strength has made me think about visiting a good friend of mine tomorrow (just think about it, but that's a start). I have not seen her since Stewart' diagnosis although we do speak on the phone a lot. He didnt like many visitors when he was poorly. I'm glad to hear you have reached a more positive place and wish you well. Thanks for sharing.
Take care. xxx
Linda G

boa
Posts: 131
Joined: Thu Jul 09, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby boa » Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:32 pm

Hi Linda
Yes the family breakfast was great fun. I am downsizing my possessions just now so I took along four teddy bears for them. The girls were delighted. How are you getting on today? Are you thinking of visiting your friend? My husband was much the same with visitors and we generally didn't say too much to people about what was going on.
Catherine

Linda G
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:06 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Linda G » Fri Apr 01, 2016 6:09 pm

Hi Catherine, I bet they were thrilled. No I didn't visit my friend, I just kept busy with housework all day. Kept wondering why I am bothering really but it passed the day. Cried on and off all day till Iv'e given myself a headache. I will try again tomorrow. Have a good weekend.
Linda

Proud Wife
Posts: 740
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Proud Wife » Sat Apr 09, 2016 4:28 pm

How are you doing Linda? Just wanted to touch base with you on your own thread to see how you are coping xx

Sueoliver
Posts: 519
Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 8:22 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Sueoliver » Sun Apr 10, 2016 9:25 am

Hi Linda,
I don't write on here so often now but I have read your post! I lost my Mum in January after a long 19 month fight against this disease. I supported her throughout the journey I am an only child and we were very close. I also recall the awful times at the moment and I think it is because the illness was so intense and so awful. The last 4 weeks were in the hospice and I can't get further than that. I carry on with my routines and chores and I go to work! On the outside I suppose I appear normal! I have had a session of counselling with the hospice and that helps. You can talk about anything and they don't judge you. I have heard that Cruse are very good have you contacted them?
If you can meet friends for coffee friends who know you that is good. I have some supportive friends who don't mind me talking about my Mum.
This isn't easy and it will take a long time to remember the good times but I am sure we will eventually. There is a poem called grief that sums it up well I will try and find it and copy it on here for you.
This forum is brilliant as well as people do understand how you feel.
Keep posting and look after yourself.
Love Sue x

Linda G
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:06 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Linda G » Sun Apr 10, 2016 12:19 pm

Hello PW, I am going through the motions of living day to day but I struggle to do more than that. I find I want to be on my own mostly. I know that's probably not healthy but I feel stressed and anxious if there is more than one person present. I will find a way eventually I suppose. I think about you and your hubby often and my heart goes out to you both. How are you both doing at the minute? It's a stupid question really because we all know what a massive nightmare the the whole thing is!
xxxx

Linda G
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:06 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Linda G » Sun Apr 10, 2016 12:40 pm

Hello Sue, nice of you to post. Goodness, 19 months is a long time! I hope you managed some better times during that journey. Being an only child must have made it so much harder (if that's possible). Stewart and I spent 24/7 together before he was ill, we didn't really need or want anyone else in our little world. I agree with you that the bad memories are hard to get past because they are so horrendous. Stewart was in the the hospice too for the last three weeks. For the last 12 days he was in a morphine induced coma (for want of a better description). He went in for symptom control but it was really difficult and he never got home again until the night before his funeral. I question myself all the time - could I have done more, sought other opinions/treatment in the beginning, should I have brought him home anyway as it was where he wanted to be? I stayed with him all the time he was in the hospice and I wonder if he even knew I was there during the last 12 days. I have a number for the hospice counsellor so I may get in touch. Sometimes I think this is the only place where people understand exactly how I feel and it does help to get it out. Thank you for your kind words. I will watch out for the poem. Take care.
Linda
xxx

Sueoliver
Posts: 519
Joined: Thu May 22, 2014 8:22 pm

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Sueoliver » Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:23 pm

The poem is grief by Gwen Flowers and it starts I had my own idea of grief....
I couldn't copy and paste it so hopefully you can google it. It certainly resonates with me! The chaplain read it for me at Mum's funeral as I felt it explained how I felt!
Sending you a hug.
Love Sue x

Dandygal76
Posts: 762
Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2016 9:49 am

Re: Finding it so hard to recall better times

Postby Dandygal76 » Mon Apr 11, 2016 4:09 am

Hey Linda, keep going sweetie. You will find yourself again. x