A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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Samelia
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Mar 12, 2015 11:42 pm

Proud not sad?

Postby Samelia » Mon Mar 23, 2015 12:23 am

As I posted earlier this week my dad peacefully passed away on Wednesday surrounded by his family at home.
Obviously at the time we were all in tears but my dads death was actually so lovely- if it ever can be? In his last moments his eyes opened, scanned the room and then two tears fell down his cheeks as though he was saying goodbye. He then closed his eyes.

As a man he was always petrified of anything medical e.g drs, dentists, hospitals. However, when we were given the awful news just 4 weeks ago, that there was no available treatment my dad decided not to found out. He was so so brave!
He never spoke about anything to any of us and never wanted a fuss. He even gave some family members visiting times that they could go upstairs and see him.

My dad was such a gentle soul who literally worked all his life. 70 and was still working 6 weeks ago. I don't think he could've coped with any treatments as it would've involved too many hospital visits.

Basically the purpose of this post is that I would like to ask is it normal that I do not feel devastated? Infact I feel a sense of relief that my dad can now be at peace and such a strong sense of pride for a man who was usually so scared. When I look at his pictures I can smile and say he was my dad!

Would I know if I was in shock?
Sarah x

sandraW
Posts: 1031
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Proud not sad?

Postby sandraW » Mon Mar 23, 2015 1:23 am

Hi Sarah, I understand how you feel, my mum died 3 and a half years ago, she was 96 years and one day, I too felt relief when she passed away peacefully in her own bed, it was the death I wanted for her, and I was so grateful for that. As I had looked after my mum for years all my friends and family waited for me to have some kind of breakdown, after her death, which I didn't, I still miss her but I didn't want her to suffer any longer.
I think we all manage grief in different ways, it still might hit you, that your dad has gone at a later date, so be ready for that. Also are you being brave for your mum and other members of the family, if so take time for yourself.
My dad died 50 years ago, but he died suddenly, and I was very young, but I still think of him very often, so you can be sure your dad will always be with you.
Take care and keep posting sandrax xx

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Proud not sad?

Postby Didge » Mon Mar 23, 2015 9:35 am

I have found with bereavement that there is often a sense of relief that the person is not suffering any more and also, that you yourself are not in the agony of waiting for the death of someone you love. However, after a while, you often start to mourn the healthy person you have lost (not the sick one of the last weeks/months) and that can be hard. In short, there are many stages of mourning and they are different for everyone. You just need to go with the flow. One thing I have always managed is to celebrate special dates (birthday, wedding anniversary, date of death in my case) with a special outing or meal to remember that person happily rather than mourn that they are not there. That works for me but not for everyone I know. The fact that your dad had such a peaceful death will help a lot too. Thinking of you xxx

J_T
Posts: 954
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:15 am

Re: Proud not sad?

Postby J_T » Mon Mar 23, 2015 9:55 pm

Perfect Didge, I agree.

Your dad sounds like he was a lovely man Samelia.

Take care
Julia x

jay
Posts: 407
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 2:30 pm

Re: Proud not sad?

Postby jay » Tue Mar 24, 2015 7:39 am

I totally understand Sarah, my husband 49, died 6 months ago.
The pain he was in at the end was unbelievable. Didge totally agree ,Jem said, "remember the good times and not the illness1" Take one day at a time Sarah
hugs Jayne
x

Sunshine
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2014 2:27 pm

Re: Proud not sad?

Postby Sunshine » Tue Mar 24, 2015 12:12 pm

My 52 year old husband, Jeremy, died 3 weeks ago. I have not posted on here before but have visited the forum many times.

I too feel very proud of him and his approach to this nightmare cancer and ultimately his death.

Someone said to me that grief is like the weather, how it affects you changes constantly, at times you might feel fine, bright and cheery, and then for no obvious reason you’re teary and vulnerable.

It seems there isn't any right way to feel though I think a sense of relief is very normal.

Sue xx
Last edited by Sunshine on Tue Mar 24, 2015 8:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jay
Posts: 407
Joined: Mon Feb 17, 2014 2:30 pm

Re: Proud not sad?

Postby jay » Tue Mar 24, 2015 12:21 pm

(((((a massive hug Sue )))))
love Jayne
x

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Proud not sad?

Postby Didge » Tue Mar 24, 2015 7:36 pm

So sorry to hear about your Jeremy Sue. xxxx

sandraW
Posts: 1031
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Proud not sad?

Postby sandraW » Tue Mar 24, 2015 8:26 pm

Hi Sue, sorry to hear you have lost your husband, Jeremy, sending you hugs too, take care sandrax

Sunshine
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2014 2:27 pm

Re: Proud not sad?

Postby Sunshine » Tue Mar 24, 2015 8:37 pm

Thank you all for your kind words to me.
Sarah - sorry, didn't mean to hijack your post.
Sue xx