A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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Fifi

Re: She's gone

Postby Fifi » Fri May 30, 2014 7:55 pm

So sorry for your loss Sarah. You were a true warrior when it came to fighting your mums corner, and everyone else's corner, come to think of it. You went the extra mile. I bet your mum was so proud of you, just like we all are.

I imagine nothing makes you feel better right now. But I hope that in whatever time down the line, you can take comfort, from knowing how much you did for her, gave up for her, and stood by her. She'll be looking down on you with so much pride.

Please stay in touch here.

Leila xxx

InfoForMum
Posts: 332
Joined: Mon Aug 19, 2013 11:01 am

Re: She's gone

Postby InfoForMum » Sat May 31, 2014 10:22 am

Thank you so much for all the kind words folk. It really does help. Rob, I'm sorry I made you emotionally messy at work, it touched me how much you care for us, a bunch of strangers, but I shouldn't be surprised, because I feel so invested in your story and many others. At some point it would be good to get together and see for myself how well your man is doing and to offer some in-person hugs to some others living with and living without loved ones who also battle so hard.

The funeral was on Thursday. It was a lovely service. We, as a family, have faith, but not religion, but her sister and brother-in-law are very involved in the church. The minister trod that tightrope with great consideration and kindness, making everyone feel they could absorb and start to deal with Mum's loss in their own way.

We had "All things bright and beautiful" and "Morning has broken" as hymns and insisted they were played at the right tempo and not as a dirge. It took the congregation somewhat by surprise, but most caught up after a few lines. As always the key was iffy for Becky and I as we have pretty low voices so we flipped up and down an octave to suit ourselves and had fun doing it.

Both of us stood up and said our words. I had a gulp and pause at one point and Becky managed to get through hers tearfully, but clearly. I have copied hers below. Mine was a 10 minute run through of an amazing life with my deepest feelings at the end. Becky's, as you can see was a beautiful, brief and incredibly powerful window into how Mum stays in her heart:

.......................................................

How to describe my Mum? What a painfully impossible task, to sum up the woman who was there forever and now is gone.

I will try.

She was roller-skating in the car port, splashing in the paddling pool, dancing through garden sprinklers and hunts for frosted spider webs.

She was snowball fights and bike rides, tips to the beach and walks in the wood.

She was fabulous Birthday cakes, late night homemade Halloween costumes and lazy Saturday mornings.

She was arguments and cuddles, shouting matches and belly laughs. She was security and freedom, she was worry and trust.

She was red wine and cigarettes and putting the world to rights long into the night. She was family, she was solitude.

She was supportive yet realistic, she was silly and clever. She was business like and childlike.

She was fearful and brave, she was a true fighter yet so graceful in defeat.

She was my Mum…she was not perfect and for that reason she was also my friend.

I know each of you will have you own mental scrap book of Mum, some long, and some short; that was mine.

Over the last few days, each of these moments and many more have come to my mind, bringing with them equal measures of happiness and pain. In time I hope the pain will fade, but whilst it remains I will strive to accept it, as I hope each of you will as to ease the pain is to wish away the happy memories and those memories are a precious gift from my Mum, my friend.

Night Night God Bless

...................................................

My sis never ceases to amaze me and has made life livable through this. She is also leaving to go back home to Teesside this afternoon. We will see how I fare then.

Only a couple of days before the funeral we worked out the music Mum should exit to. "Let it be" by the Beatles. Mum was a great fan. Neither of us realised how utterly perfect that was until the opening bars chimed in, then we were lost. Just enough tissues to see us out of the church plus a grin at each other when she finally went through the door to the guitar solo.

Then everything turned a bit "Clarke-farce". Our family have always seemed to manage to get into unusual scrapes and today was no exception. We arrived at the small graveyard round the corner from the church. Other mourners queued to get through small gate behind us and the coffin, but as soon as we made it inside we realised something was wrong. Wordlessly Becky and I pointed to the green baize covering the dug grave, then pointed to the plot where my father WAS buried....

It only took a couple of seconds for Becky and I to work out nothing could reasonably be done so I turned to everyone and said "It appears they've dug the wrong hole, shall we all go back to the house and get a drink".

At this point the crowd was split. Becky and I, the younger crowd and Mum's closest friends were all trying to stifle a smile. Some of the older contingent, including her sister and brother-in-law were slack jawed and appalled.

The main and most important fact is that my father would have found it utterly hilarious and my Mum, after trying for an appropriate reaction, would have also laughed her socks off.

I had to put the awful fact they'd dug someone else's grave up to one side. It was in no way shape or form due to anything that was within our control.

It certainly made conversation at the house easier. Pretty much everyone except her sister thawed and had a chuckle and I did my best to comfort her.

At 5pm, 2 hours after the first attempt, we went back and the burial was no less meaningful because of the wait.

We were met afterwards by an exhausted and totally mortified grave digger, who we ended up hugging as you can bet it wasn't his fault either.

And so it's done. We have some lovely things written in memory books we put in the house. Everyone took and wore a purple ribbon and we gave all the right people a chance to say a proper goodbye. Not to mention the creation of a family legend, which I still can't quite believe really happened.

Take care all and no doubt I'll be back around soon.

Sarah
Last edited by InfoForMum on Sat May 31, 2014 11:13 am, edited 2 times in total.

Fifi

Re: She's gone

Postby Fifi » Sat May 31, 2014 10:51 am

Just wanted to say, Beckys poem was beautiful. Made me cry. Lovely. x

MSH
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Re: She's gone

Postby MSH » Mon Jun 02, 2014 10:17 pm

Sarah,

I'm just catching up with the forum after a few days away.

Just to say I'm very sorry for your loss, my condolences.

Mark

J_T
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Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:15 am

Re: She's gone

Postby J_T » Tue Jun 03, 2014 10:04 am

Just caught up with this thread and must say, lots of your OP resonate so much with me.

I am so, so sorry for your loss Sarah. Look after yourself.

Julia x

Dollysdaughter
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Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 4:14 pm

Re: She's gone

Postby Dollysdaughter » Tue Jun 10, 2014 12:00 pm

Hi Sarah, I haven't been on here for a while as going through a bit of a denial phase I think, but saw that you had lost your mum and just wanted to say how very sad I am for you. I hope some small shreds of normality are starting to form again for you and send you lots of love,
Sara xx

Amanda J
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Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 2:59 pm

Re: She's gone

Postby Amanda J » Tue Jun 10, 2014 4:21 pm

Sarah,

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. You fought every step of the way to help with your mom beat this thing you were amazing and should be very proud. Your sister's reading was just lovely. I am absolutely sure yours was equally as fantstic.

I wish you all the very best and hope as each day passes by with all the lovely memories you have it gets easier for you.

Love

Amanda

sandraW
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Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: She's gone

Postby sandraW » Sat Jun 21, 2014 10:42 pm

Sarah, sorry I have not replied before, we have been away, so so sorry to hear of the sad loss of your beloved Mum. You did everything possible to help your Mum in her brave fight against this terrible disease, you were absolutely amazing and you helped so many of us carry on believing.
It is not easy being there when a loved Mum dies, mine was 96 years and 1 day when she finally left us after a short 6 week illness, she too had a strong heart but left us peacefully, with my sister and I holding her hand.
I had to smile when I read about your hiccups at the funeral, you coped in your usual way,with a smile and more worried about the poor man who had dug the grave than yourselves.
Be kind to yourself, and take good care love to you and all your family, and when. and if. you are ready please pop back and give us your slant on our posts sandrax

InfoForMum
Posts: 332
Joined: Mon Aug 19, 2013 11:01 am

Re: She's gone

Postby InfoForMum » Tue Jun 24, 2014 1:01 am

Thank you everyone for being so kind and thoughtful. I'm back a little more often now and it's helping. The numbness has started to wear off a bit, which is making me notice stuff more, but making it harder to sort the stuff I notice out...if that makes sense.

Untangled some of my messy head into a poem (cringe! I know, but it's a habit I can't break :-)

The post blast pause, before the screaming starts
Not silence. Grief’s cacophony. It numbs then breaks your heart
Anguish fades to whimpers, hours stretch into days
Still the loss is shapeless, just in pain a million ways

A day becomes a week, then a week becomes yet more
Churning out the niceties, others’ grief a sapping chore
A different kind of quiet comes, dark and full of fear
Them-less house, map-less next, drowned in floods of tears

The month becomes another month and still it’s out of reach
Ambushed when you least expect. A stealthy vicious beast
Still crushing, but less often, a small unnoticed change
Inside your head their space is being gently rearranged

Then it happens, spotted later, as you're lying there in bed
Twenty four whole hours without them passing through your head
First arrives the awful guilt, the fight to not forget
While knowing deep inside that it’s a process to accept

At some point comes a future and it's mostly about you
Their memory informs each choice, but this is really new
Reclaiming things your love had made you compromise away
Using all they gifted you to build some better days
Last edited by InfoForMum on Tue Jun 24, 2014 9:27 am, edited 8 times in total.

Slewis7313
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Re: She's gone

Postby Slewis7313 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 6:50 am

What an amazing poem Sarah. It must be difficult to come to terms with your loss, but the manner in which you are still able to describe and continue to share the journey will no doubt reflect of other's experiences and be of support to those heading down that road. I particularly like the fact that your Mum will continue to influence your future life and decisions.... A sign of your love and respect for her.

Take care and thanks

Steve
X

EmmaR
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Joined: Fri Sep 20, 2013 10:06 pm

Re: She's gone

Postby EmmaR » Tue Jun 24, 2014 8:08 am

Sarah you have put everything I feel about the loss of my husband into such a lovely poem thank you for that it will help a lot of us on the forum to come to some kind of terms with our grief .
Take Care .
Emma xx

InfoForMum
Posts: 332
Joined: Mon Aug 19, 2013 11:01 am

Re: She's gone

Postby InfoForMum » Tue Jun 24, 2014 10:26 am

So glad it resonated with you Emma and didn't upset either of you and blown away by the compliments. I'm always hesitant about sharing poetry as it's such a personal thing. It's my last line of head-defugging defence as I'm forced to be so disciplined about words and rhymes, it's necessary to really poke hard at my feelings.

Also, a bit like being introduced to someone's new baby, it's so awkward for everyone if it's ugly!

Will take a break from navel gazing to catch up properly soon.

Sarah

Cathy
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Re: She's gone

Postby Cathy » Tue Jun 24, 2014 11:46 am

Hi Sarah

I just wanted to add to what Steve and Emma had written how much I'd enjoyed your poem. It gives hope in a time that feels quite bleak.

Thinking of you all

Cathy xx

brodders
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Joined: Fri Jun 20, 2014 6:51 pm

Re: She's gone

Postby brodders » Tue Jun 24, 2014 2:36 pm

I have been reading all the posts you have written and thank you for them. I lost my precious mum 9 weeks ago, just short of 11 weeks after she was diagnosed. It has been a truly terrible time. Nothing has prepared me for this. My mum was so amazingly brave. 5 weeks in hospital and then 5 and a bit at home, she was so very poorly in the end but so dignified. Your last poem means so much - thank you again. Going now I am crying !! Xx

sandraW
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Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: She's gone

Postby sandraW » Tue Jun 24, 2014 9:40 pm

Sarah, thanks so much for sharing your lovely words with us, you describe just what its like to lose a loved one, but your lovely Mum will live on in your heart forever remember that,take care sandrax