A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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Dfarmer
Posts: 32
Joined: Sun Jan 20, 2013 4:53 pm

This time of year

Postby Dfarmer » Sun Dec 15, 2013 8:20 pm

Hi all
It's almost 4 months since mum died. I still check in every day and although haven't posted you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Still finding it really hard. I still expect to see her and I still hear her voice, which I don't want to change. It was a year ago Friday that mum had the ct scan and then had the phone call calling her back to the hospital on 21st December. At that point we had no idea pc. Christmas was hard last year as mum knew it wasn't going to be good news. She was down and was feeling sick. I am already worrying about Christmas day. My dad and brother are coming for the day and I know it's going to be emotional. Dad is finding things very tough at the moment, particularly this week. He broke down when we visited the cemetery yesterday, which I think was due to the headstone being on and it being just beautiful. He's also suffering with back pain which he thinks is due to his prostate cancer. He's got an appointment with his specialist nurse on Friday so will hopefully find out more. I can't even contemplate dad's cancer growing and spreading it breaks my heart that I may lose my dad in the same way as my mum.
I am 10 weeks pregnant and cried so hard when I found out because mum's not here. I'm hoping this new grandchild will give my dad something to focus on. If anyone has any tips on how to help my dad cope with his grief I would very much appreciate it.
Merry Christmas to all you fighters and all you carers
Dawn
Xx

cestrian
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:20 pm

Re: This time of year

Postby cestrian » Sun Dec 15, 2013 9:29 pm

Dear Dawn

To lose your soul mate as your Dad has done is always devastating and it takes time, love and support for the hurt and loss to become bearable. I dread how my own wife will cope when the time comes, hopefully well into the future but with PC you never know. Of course you and he have the added burden of his own illness to cope with which must magnify the difficulty several fold.

We all find our own ways of dealing with the loss of a loved one usually following a well charted path of denial, anger etc. Obviously our own faith or lack of it can make a huge difference to our approach to death. It is much easier if you believe, in some way, that the death of our body is not the end but the beginning of a new chapter in life that is very difficult to understand or, for many, to accept. I do think that your and your Dad's love of your Mum means that she will forever be with you in your hearts and minds but firstly you will need to grieve and come to terms with the loss of her physical presence - so very difficult for both of you but possibly more so for your Dad.

A year or so after we had nursed my wife's mother with cancer in the final months of her life we moved home yet again with my work and just after we moved in to our new home Jo had a very strong feeling of her Mum being there with her. I have no explanation but it was a huge comfort to her and confirmed that we had made the right decision moving back home to Cheshire from our beautiful place in Lincolnshire where her Mum had died.

My own mother lives on in my heart though I can't claim to have experienced the vivid feeling that my wife did but I do feel that Mum is with me in spirit. I find her a huge source of strength in my own situation though alas do not possess the profound faith that she enjoyed. Even as she approached 80 she would cycle to and from church a four mile round trip with two nasty hills each way!

I am sure others on here who have lost loved ones more recently will have other ideas about how to deal with coming to terms with their grief, it is all very personal and like this damned disease differs from person to person. May your own God(s) give you support and strength.

Love and Peace

Mike x